TODAY'S TOP FIVE:

An Oscar Ceremony of Truth boring a Huge TV Audience of Lies.

Blast Kills More than 100 at Shiite Shrines Looks like Al Qaeda's strategy of trying to provoke a civil war in Iraq is proceeding apace: Bombs went off at some of the holiest shrines in Shi'a Islam on the holiest day of their calendar, and the enraged crowds turned on US forces.

Say It Ain't So, You Gonzo, Musclebound, Juiced-Up Freak I am shocked - SHOCKED - that Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, and Jason Giambi were using illegal performance-enhancing steroids. Even more shocking is when home run king Bonds started using the drug: "The source told The Chronicle that the weight trainer had obtained steroids and human growth hormone for Bonds dating back to the 2001 season. That was the year the Giants outfielder broke baseball's storied single-season record for home runs -- hitting 73." Wait, you mean the year that Barry Bonds went from being 210 pounds and hitting 30 home runs to being 260 pounds and hitting 73 home runs is the year he started doing steroids? Holy cow! He sure fooled me!

Nothing Says "Bling Bling" and "Flossin'" Like Being Permanently Disabled by an Improvised Explosive Device The US Army is once again teaming up with that arbiter of urban cool, The Source magazine, to try and lure young blacks and Latinos into the ranks of dudes guarding banks in Baghdad and trying not to get shot. The next time The Source launches into another tiresome attack on Eminem for "exploiting our community," they should perhaps reflect on the salient point that, whatever Eminem has done to "the community," he has not helped light the way to dusty death for gullible young men and women.

Speaking of Massacres of Shi'ites At least 29 Shi'ite pilgrims were killed during a gun and bomb attack on a religious procession in Pakistan. Soon after, Shi'ites rioted, torching a Sunni mosque, television station, and shops, according to Pakistani police.

Gay-Loving Bush Loves the Gays Okay, maybe not, but Laura Bush assures us that the "President" has tons of gay friends: "Everyone does," she says. Not Fred Phelps! Anyway, the news here is that Bush apparently hates having to make a public statement on the gay marriage amendment: He was under duress from his evangelical Christian supporters, who have been threatening to stay home on Election Day. Bush apparently won't make any more comment on gay marriage, and plans to keep the subject out of his stump speech. That's no way to fight a culture war, Mr. "President."

-Consider Arms