Thursday, June 30, 2005

Waiting For Lil Antonin's Take On The SCOTUS Decisions...

Modern Art: Still A Steaming Pile Of Shit.
"San Francisco-based American artist Jill Miller is participating in Norwich Gallery's EAST 05 international exhibition, July 2 - August 20, 2005. Although she will exhibit a performance work, she will not appear in the gallery. At least not in the flesh. Miller's durational performance-installation, "Waiting for Bigfoot," will be located in a remote Northern California forest ("Bigfoot Country"). A live video feed will be delivered to the Norwich Gallery as real-time video via satellite uplink, 24 hours a day. The artist will live at the campsite, situated in the epicenter of Bigfoot sightings, for the duration of EAST 05."

Crash Course on the Downing Street Memos

At Least The Title Wasn't "Ghost Writer Haunts President..."
Bush lied about serving during Vietnam. Bush had predesignated the war against Iraq. Bush was lousy at business. Bush didn't actually fly a plane to the "Mission Accomplished" pep rally. Stop. I'm dying from the shock.

But Still I Get Shit For My Beard At EVERY Airport Security Scan
"On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States." Maybe they thought he was in the Misfits...

The Worst State Ever. "EAST PALATKA, Florida (AP) -- Federal agents raided a migrant farm labor camp where homeless men and women were kept in what labor officials called a version of modern-day slavery. Four people, including the camp's owner, Ronald Evans, face federal charges in a case that officials said is likely to grow. Investigators are looking into alleged environmental violations and drugs found at the camp in Friday's raid."

Marcus Marcus Update!

Keep Your Head Up, Or Just Keep It On A six-year-old girl was drowned and then two days later decapitated by her mother in northern California. While the events are horrifying and bizarre, the article barely mentions an even more bizarre fact. The mother "was a member of a cult that worships the late rap star Tupac Shukar."

-The Sikh Geek: Tanned, Rested and Ready

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Have You Forgotten?

Bush Speech Draws Mixed Response We can already see the public relations strategy for the coming months: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, oh, and by the way, 9/11. Bush mentioned the terrorist attacks of September 2001 five times in his 28-minute speech, which was ostensibly about the need to "stay the course" in Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.

Israeli Army Clashes With Settlers Over Gaza Pullout It's going to be a long, hot summer, folks.

Scandal-related Damage Control, Philippines-Style President Gloria Arroyo, mired in scandal since admitting to rigging an election last year, has hit upon the kind of leadership tactic that Hillary Clinton can only dream of: She is sending her husband, reeling from his own racketeering scandal, into exile.

Shi'ite Cleric Orders End to Celebratory Shootings After 3 Deaths You know all that news footage of people in the Middle East celebrating some election victory or suicide bombing by shooting their guns in the air? Did you ever wonder what happens when the bullets come down? Apparently, they kill people, as they did in Lebanon after the recent elections, hence the fatwa. In a truly awesome move, the top Shi'ite cleric in Lebanon called such displays both "annoying" and "retarded."

Redesigned Freedom Tower Unveiled, Now With 20 Percent More Freedom The new design is slightly less ridiculous than the previous one, but take heart, fans of childish gestures: the new building will still be 1,776 feet tall. About 400 feet of that will be in the form of a spire, like in the old design, but get this: In the new Freedom Tower, "The spire will emit light, to serve as a 'beacon of freedom,' according to the plans."

Poll: Majority of Californians Starting to Come to Their Senses The poll numbers continue to be grim for Gov. Embarrassment (R-Austria): Only 39 percent of Californian voters say they're inclined to accept a second term for the star of "Jingle All The Way," while 57 percent say they are not so inclined. The election is 17 months away, so let's not uncork the champagne yet, but this is fine evidence that the business of governing is turning out to be harder than the business of pretending to be a murderous robot from the future.

Connecticut Democrats Kill GOP Plan to Limit Eminent Domain First the conservatives on the Surpeme Court make the right call on the eminent domain case, and now the Republicans are blocked in their effort to limit the damage done by the majority ruling. Up is down. Night is day.

"The Indians Are Bastards Anyway" Every year around this time, the federal government releases more declassified Nixon tapes and documents. One of my favorite summer activities is reading about the bizarre inner life of Dick Nixon. Starting last year, the tapes increasingly depict Nixon as Lear and Kissinger as his fool, and this year's batch is no exception. The highlight seems to be Nixon's characterization of Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi. "We really slobbered over the old witch," he told Kissinger, who replied, statesmanly, "The Indians are bastards anyway."

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Stop All the Downloading!

Set Your TiVos To "Stunned": Bush to Address Nation While Surrounded by Soldiers Continuing the martial theme of his tenure, the only U.S. president to dress in military uniform while in office tonight will address the nation with a "stay the course" message about the war in Iraq from Fort Bragg, NC, surrounded by members of the 82nd Airborne. Meanwhile, Bush's approval ratings have fallen to their lowest level ever, with only 41 percent of the country saying he's doing a good job.

Iraqi Deputy, 4 Others Assassinated Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the bomb attack that took the life of Dhari Ali al-Fayadh, the first member of the Iraqi parliament to be assassinated since the body took office.

Italy Seeks Extradition of CIA Agents in Kidnapping Trial Lots of luck.

Mugabe Says Tony Blair 'Not Man Enough' to Come to Zimbabwe Also challenges Blair to meet him at the flag pole after recess for a slap fight.

Study: Losing Weight Increases Chance of Early Death Don't lose weight. Don't gain weight. Just. Don't. Do. Anything.

Psychiatrists Blast Cruise for Anti-Psychiatry Remarks "And you haven't been in a good movie since 'Magnolia,'" they add.

Bush I and Clinton Take Boating Trip Together It's like that movie where James Garner and Gene Hackman are both ex-presidents. If I recall correctly, this is a recipe for hilarious consequences!

Majority of Americans Believe Bush 'Intentionally Misled' Public About Iraq War And yet, I remember being called a traitor for suggesting precisely this in the long-gone spring of 2003. Does this mean it's okay for the Dixie Chicks to emerge from the witness protection program?

AFL-CIO On Verge of Split Over Strategic Disagreements Related: Grange Riven by Dispute Over Wisdom of Paper Money.

-Consider Arms

Monday, June 27, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Special "Stinging Dissent" Edition

Supreme Court, in 9-0 Decision, Rules that It's Not Ridiculous to Wear Robes to Work The Supreme Court decisions this term have been underwhelming. Or, if it's possible, merely whelming. The New London decision was a disaster; today's don't seem as earth-shaking. The court ruled that courthouses can't have displays of the 10 Commandments (but they can have friezes of Moses, if they're the Supreme Court), but that state capitols can. This is a decision that will please precisely no one. The court also ruled that file-sharing companies are liable for copyright infringement lawsuits, which is a decision that might have pleased King Canute. The court also ruled that Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller do not have the constitutional right not to name their sources before a grand jury, which sets up the delicious (but, in civil liberties terms, unhappy) prospect of Judith Miller going to prison.

Defeating Insurgency Could Take 12 Years, Rumsfeld Says Amidst New Iraqi Carnage Meanwhile, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East expressed frustration that his employers, the American public, are growing weary of this quagmire. "We don't need to fight this war looking over our shoulder worrying about the support back home," Gen. John Abizaid said, in response to polls showing that more than half the country now views the war as a mistake. Meanwhile, the violence has claimed the lives of more than 1,300 people since April 28, with the insurgents seemingly striking at will.

U.S. To Resume Production of Plutonium, First Time Since Cold War But when Iran does it, it's a matter of international concern.

California National Guard Identifies Your Mother As Terrorist Threat A special intelligence unit set up within the California National Guard to spy on citizens it believes could constitute a "terrorist threat" recently was exposed for spying on an anti-war Mother's Day celebration (Mother's Day, incidentally, was originally an anti-war holiday) sponsored by veterans' families and a group called the "Raging Grannies." Although this doesn't exactly strike fear into the depths of my soul, Lt. Stan Zezotarski told the San Jose Mercury News not to be fooled by the outward appearance of these deadly grandmothers: "Who knows who could infiltrate that type of group and try to stir something up? After all, we live in the age of terrorism, so who knows?" Indeed, leaked government reports indicate that there might already be grandmothers afoot in the Muslim world.

U.S. Military Confirms Talks With Iraqi Insurgents Whatever happened to the bankrupt, Ba'athist dead-enders who were on their last legs and feared democracy? Hmm, we must have killed all of them, because these insurgents are merely "representatives of the Sunni community" who seek "an active voice in the national dialogue." And instead of letters to the editor or petitions, they tend to use car bombs.

Life Can Be Tough For the Hitlers of Circleville, Ohio I say, good for them. Seriously: Why let one evil dictator screw up a perfectly good name for everybody else?

Veterans' Healthcare Budget Comes Up $1 Billion Short But the good news is, there's plenty of money for Hummer-related tax breaks!

GOP Senator Hagel: We're Losing the War in Iraq Nonsense. We won the war; it's the police action we're losing.

Cheney Says He Knows Where Bin Laden Is, But 'Weak Links' Forestall Capture "In the chain that you need to successfully wrap up the war on terror, we have some weak links," Vice President Destro said, ominously. "And I find that until we strengthen all the links, we're probably not going to be able to bring Mr. bin Laden to justice." Wait. Since when is he "Mr." Bin Laden? At any rate, if Destro knows where the Evil One is, maybe he can fill in Pervez Musharraf, who says he has "no idea" where Bin Laden is. After all, it's been, like, two weeks since the two of them last played squash together.

Billy Graham: Let Hillary Run the Country Hey, the Republicans got five Supreme Court justices to decide who runs the country; why not Billy Graham?

Schwarzenegger Seeks Truce With Democrats You certainly terminated them, all right, Governor National Shame.

- Consider Arms

Thursday, June 16, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror.

EU Ponders Putting Constitution on Hold Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.

Bush Criticizes Iranian Presidential Election Not enough disenfranchised black voters.

Five Marines Killed In Iraq Blast Since the elections, you see, everything there has been much calmer and more stable.

U.S. Ambassador: Osama Not in Afghanistan U.S. Public: Who's Osama again?

House of Representatives in 'Good Decision' Shocker The House voted to repeal the section of the ludicrously named USA PATRIOT Act that allows the FBI to examine library and bookstore records. However, President Bush is vowing to use his veto (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) if it passes the Senate. That's right; the guy has been president since January 2001, and he hasn't vetoed a single piece of legislation. What are we paying him for, again?

Democrats Use Downing Street Memo to Question Pre-War Actions of Administration And on the subject of the Downing Street Memo: it's sad when even the Monster Limo Weblog gets to a story before the Associated Press.

Jingle All the Way Back to Austria, You Steroidal Cretin Despite the fact that a tax hike is not on the ballot for this year's special election in California, Schwarzenegger continues to ignore the actual ballot initiatives, instead insisting that Democrats are trying to raise taxes. Recall, people: you did it once, you can do it again.

PBS Takes Steps to Shed Liberal Image Because in the United States in 2005, the way to achieve balance is to become conservative. Think about that, folks.

GM Warns Unions of Health Cuts GM plans to unilaterally reduce the healthcare benefits of United Auto Workers retirees, in addition to laying off 25,000 workers, unless the union agrees to concessions. Strike.

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Another Case of Preferential Treatment for a White Celebrity.

Now I can confidently purchase "Invincible" without feeling like a pervert.

Best Deep Throat Revelation Ever "According to originally confidential FBI documents — some written by Felt — that were obtained by The Nation from the FBI’s archives, Felt played another heretofore unknown part in the Watergate tale: He was, at heated moments during the scandal, in charge of finding the source of Woodward and Bernstein’s Watergate scoops. In a twist worthy of le CarrĂ©, Deep Throat was assigned the mission of unearthing — and stopping — Deep Throat."

20 Dead in Suicide Bombing in Northern Iraqi City of Kirkuk Meanwhile, a suicide bomber in Baghdad killed five police officers, and the police station in Kenaan was destroyed after a mortar attack.

Better Late Than Never The state of Mississippi is putting an 80-year-old Klansman on trial for the murders of civil rights activists James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner during the "Freedom Summer" of 1964. Bonus: the story is written by Emily Wagster Pettus, which is maybe the best reporter name ever.

Lawyer for CIA Terror Suspect Wants Trial Moved to Miami Say, do you think the guy accused of blowing up a Cuban airliner might get a sympathetic hearing in Miami?

U.S. Soldier Who Defected to North Korea in 1965 Prepares for First U.S. Visit in 40 Years "I'm a fucking retard," he confesses.

Flaws Discovered in Terror Watch List Among the major problems: 32,000 suspects classified as "armed and dangerous" are also given the lowest-level security rating, requiring no action by law enforcement. Oops!

-Consider Arms

Sunday, June 05, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: It'll take more than an ozone douche to keep the Sikh Geek out of the game.

Sadly, No One Is Able To Change His Name Back From "The Asshole Who Treid To Rename Fucking French Fries" The most ball-shattering act of jingoism in the lead-up to the Iraqi War was the attempt to rename "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries." (Long time MLWL viewers should recall our early article and MC No Shame's stunning graphic.) France didn't attack us and we weren't at war with the Gauls; we were just THAT pissed off at their refusal to support or unilateral, unprovoked, illegal war based on obviously false information. Now it seems that the public servant who led the charge (with, in his own words, "God's hand") against freedom-hating potato products has changed his mind and is now a vocal opponent against the war. Says Republican Walter Jones, "I wish it had never happened." Neither do we, douchebag.

STILL Pissed Off That He Didn't Get That Shiny Red Bike... An artist in Glasgow is getting heat for a 200 square foot billboard he designed that carries such slogans as "Stop Lying to Your Children About Santa Claus." The "artist" laments, "If you try and tell kids the truth about how they're being manipulated, you're the bad guy crushing their dreams." Well, yeah... Best line of the article? "Cullen's portfolio also includes a drawing of Santa saying 'I killed Jesus.'"

Because It's Either Al-Qaeda or The A.L.F. That Will Deliver The Next Terror Attack Remember when the Patriot Act was first being pitched and Americans were told that it would only be used to fight terrorists and not abused by fighting more minor, domestic crimes? Me neither.

None Dare Call It Monopoly, Or Really Sucky FM Radio A Clear Channel sponsored anti-Clear Channel station goes up against a real Clear Channel station to ultimately get more listeners to any of the Clear Channel stations. I think.

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Why it's a surveillance camera in the George Orwell Plaza!

-The Sikh Geek