Sunday, July 17, 2005

The LAPD Shoots Babies, Don't They...?

The Worst State Ever. A man is on trial for beating his three-year old child to death, after an extended period of time in which he would force the toddler to box with him. Said the child's aunt, "(The father) was trying to teach him how to fight. He was concerned that the child might be gay." Of course this happened in Florida.

Performance Art Gets Great
If by great you mean "now included a douchebage who inflates his forehead and calls it art." Dude, sometimes when you're the "only person in the world" who does something, it's because the 6 billion other people on the planet are too smart to do what you're doing.

A 'We're Bigger Than Jesus' For Our Times Coldplay's Chris Martin first became a major douchebag when he started writing shit on his hands for magazine shoots like little "equality" signs (take note Eddie Vedder!) and blurbs about fair trade. Then he started wearing colored tape on his fingers for various causes and at this point I expect him to make a "statement" by wearing a monochromiatic clown suit and a diaper for his next Rolling Stone cover. Anyhoo, Martin described Live8 as "the greatest thing that's ever been organized, probably, in the history of the world" so I thought it might be nice to look back at the original Live Aid concerts and see what they created: a Stalinist-style resettlement project.

Time For A New Nickname Marcus Marcus Your current one has just been taken over by a soda brand...

The Logic of Suicide Terrorism put out by The American Conservative, Why The War In Iraq Has Made Us Less Safe put out by Time, and another article I am too lazy to write a clever link to.

Davis Rees, I Love You...

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-The Sikh Geek

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Rove Overboard?

"You're In A Bad Spot, Here, Scott..." Yes, the administration may or may not be in trouble over revelations that Karl Rove was the source for Bob "Furry Slug" Novak's column leaking Valerie Plame's name. But whether or not Rove's leaking was illegal, let's focus on the point we as Americans can all agree on: the transcript of the press corps suddenly grilling Scot McClellan like they're actual reporters is really, really awesome.

British Police Raid 5 Homes in Leeds in Wake of London Bombings Investigators say the action is "directly connected" to the investigation of the bombings, but there are no reported arrests yet.

ETA Bombs Spanish Power Plant; No Injuries It's unclear what this means for the Basque separatist group's stance on possible talks with the Spanish government, which Prime Minister Zapatero recently approved. Either ETA is rejecting the talks outright, or is planning to enter into talks from a position of strength.

New Monaco Monarch Assures Continued Survival Of 'Prince Albert In A Can' Jokes But, in a classless move, he didn't invite his illegitimate son to his coronation. If this were 13th century Scotland, that would be cause for a regicide.

Bush Meets With Top Senators on SCOTUS Nominees But the bipartisan group of senators came away from the meeting without a list of candidates to ponder; provoking speculation that Hamlet Bush has been politically paralyzed by Plamegate.

Hillary Compares Bush to MAD Magazine Mascot I really only included this link because of the headline on the Telegraph Story: "Bush is like comic book idiot, says Mrs. Clinton."

BTK Killer's Home Sold At Auction To Strip Club Owner More of those red state values we keep hearing so much about.

Phone Headsets In Cars Not Any Safer: Study Oh, the next thing you're going to tell me is that it's not safe to drive while drunk.

Weekly Reader Editor Arrested For Soliciting Sex With Minor Over Internet I knew all those Weekly Readers I read in elementary school were somehow...unwholesome.

Major U.S. Pullout From Iraq Expected To Begin In '06 Just in time for midterm elections, as it happens.

Poll: Bush Approval Ratings Up One Percent So much for the gain in support Fox News was predicting following the London attacks.

Reserve and National Guard Troop Levels Continue To Fall From a peak of 220,000 active duty reserves in 2003, there are now 138,000, as more and more reserves meet the 24-month maximum commitment created by the Bush administration.

- Consider Arms

Thursday, July 07, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: War is Declared, And Battle Come Down.

7 Blasts Hit London It's not in the story, but the latest AP update confirms 33 dead. A previously unheard-of Islamic organization has claimed credit, and has threatened similar attacks in Italy and Denmark.

Egyptian Ambassador to Iraq Executed The Al Qaeda group led by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi has announced that it executed Egypt's top envoy to Iraq, who was kidnapped in Baghdad on Saturday.

Arroyo Faces Increased Pressure to Resign The president of the Philippines, enmeshed in a vote fraud scandal, is now losing key allies. Meanwhile, a national poll shows that 60 percent of Filipinos want her to resign.

NY Times Reporter Jailed by Federal Prosecutor Judith Miller, one of the MLWL's least favorite reporters, has nonetheless done the decent thing and gone to jail to protect her source, unlike the weasely Matt Cooper, who agreed to testify before a grand jury.

Conan the Budgetarian Arnold Schwarzenegger, otherwise known as Governor Embarassment, has struck a deal with Democratic leaders in the California state legislature on a $90 billion budget, representing a growth of 10 percent over last year's budget. The man who promised to "trim the fat" from government and put "Collyforneeya's" fiscal house in order has presided over his first double digit budget growth, although last year's budget increased by more than 7 percent. Additionally, the budget is unbalanced, with a $6 billion deficit between revenues and expenditures. About $4.7 billion of that will be made up with one-time gimmicks, meaning that next year there will be a $5 billion hole in the budget before the first workshop is prepared. Collyforneeya should change its state motto to "Caveat Emptor."

Iraq and Iran Sign Military Pact; U.S. Mum The former enemies, who fought for nearly a decade in the bloodiest Mideast conflict of the 20th century, have signed an agreement in which Iran will provide military training and other, unspecified services. The pact is the first sign of a closer alliance between the Shi'ite theocracy and Iraq, with its Shi'ite-dominated government. A government minister replied to questions about how the U.S. might view such a deal with a member of "the axis of evil" by saying, "Nobody can dictate to Iraq its relations with other countries."

Feds Probe California National Guard Spy Unit The federal government has launched an investigation into whether the state of Collyforneeya broke the law when it created a special unit within the National Guard to spy on U.S. citizens considered "subversive." Gov. Jingles ordered the unit to spy on a Mother's Day anti-war demonstration organized by a group of senior citizens called the Raging Grannies. Despite this, the National Guard claims it did nothing wrong in setting up the unit.

Prescription Drug Abusers in U.S. Top 15 Million The number has more than doubled since 1992, with the rate of prescription drug abuse among teenagers tripling. My God, does this mean Tom Cruise was right?

-Consider Arms

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Judge Jeff Jones For Supreme Court.

Thousands March in Protest of G8 Summit Notably absent: Bono.

Bush Urges Civility in Supreme Court Vacancy Debate Because who knows more about civility than the guy who beat John McCain in South Carolina by suggesting he fathered an illegitimate non-white child, right? But seriously, Bush is more worried about the debate over the next Supreme Court nominee that will take place in his own party than he is about any petty Democratic roadblocking. If the Democrats are smart, they'll support a "moderate" candidate, like Alberto "Mr. Torture" Gonzalez. The prospect of that empty suit on the highest court in the land is unappealing, but let's face it; Bush is not going to nominate anyone who's appealing. By attacking the moderate, the Democrats essentially give the Republicans a reason to unite in his defense; by attacking the moderate, the Democrats help widen the gap between social and fiscal conservatives, weakening the party for the next round of elections. We're going to get a lousy judge out of this no matter what; we might as well try to at least sap the Republican's strength in the bargain. For more SCOTUS strategizing, click heeyah and heeyah.

Prosecutor: Plamegate Reporters Should Go To Jail Even though they didn't write stories about the leak, and even though the reporter who did write a story about it hasn't been called before the grand jury. Ahem.

Meth #1 Drug Problem For Small-town Law Enforcement A survey of sheriffs' departments around the country has found that police officers consider the skyrocketing use of methamphetamines the number one drug-related problem. In addition to the costs of incarceration and court, counties are also struggling with environmental costs of cleaning up toxic meth labs and caring for the children of meth-addicted parents. In some rural counties, as many as 8 out of 10 people in jail are there for meth-related crimes. Meanwhile, the White House reiterated this week that marijuana is still the most serious drug problem in America.

Military Extends Homeland Operations "The document acknowledges, for instance, plans to team military intelligence analysts with civilian law enforcement to identify and track suspected terrorists."

Chilean Court Strips Pinochet of Immunity You're never too old to stand trial for murder, generalissimo.

Sentencing Set For Lil Kim Careful observers of the criminal justice scene will note that Ken Lay remains at liberty.

British Foreign Minister Says Coalition Troops Will Leave Iraq If Asked Did you know that Jack Straw used to be a Trotskyite? Life is fucked up.

Vladimir Putin Denounces Robert Mugabe As a 'Dictator' In related news: Manny Ramirez characterizes Derek Jeter as a 'baseball player.'

-Consider Arms

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Waiting For Lil Antonin's Take On The SCOTUS Decisions...

Modern Art: Still A Steaming Pile Of Shit.
"San Francisco-based American artist Jill Miller is participating in Norwich Gallery's EAST 05 international exhibition, July 2 - August 20, 2005. Although she will exhibit a performance work, she will not appear in the gallery. At least not in the flesh. Miller's durational performance-installation, "Waiting for Bigfoot," will be located in a remote Northern California forest ("Bigfoot Country"). A live video feed will be delivered to the Norwich Gallery as real-time video via satellite uplink, 24 hours a day. The artist will live at the campsite, situated in the epicenter of Bigfoot sightings, for the duration of EAST 05."

Crash Course on the Downing Street Memos


At Least The Title Wasn't "Ghost Writer Haunts President..."
Bush lied about serving during Vietnam. Bush had predesignated the war against Iraq. Bush was lousy at business. Bush didn't actually fly a plane to the "Mission Accomplished" pep rally. Stop. I'm dying from the shock.

But Still I Get Shit For My Beard At EVERY Airport Security Scan
"On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States." Maybe they thought he was in the Misfits...

The Worst State Ever. "EAST PALATKA, Florida (AP) -- Federal agents raided a migrant farm labor camp where homeless men and women were kept in what labor officials called a version of modern-day slavery. Four people, including the camp's owner, Ronald Evans, face federal charges in a case that officials said is likely to grow. Investigators are looking into alleged environmental violations and drugs found at the camp in Friday's raid."

Marcus Marcus Update!

Keep Your Head Up, Or Just Keep It On A six-year-old girl was drowned and then two days later decapitated by her mother in northern California. While the events are horrifying and bizarre, the article barely mentions an even more bizarre fact. The mother "was a member of a cult that worships the late rap star Tupac Shukar."

-The Sikh Geek: Tanned, Rested and Ready

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Have You Forgotten?

Bush Speech Draws Mixed Response We can already see the public relations strategy for the coming months: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, oh, and by the way, 9/11. Bush mentioned the terrorist attacks of September 2001 five times in his 28-minute speech, which was ostensibly about the need to "stay the course" in Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.

Israeli Army Clashes With Settlers Over Gaza Pullout It's going to be a long, hot summer, folks.

Scandal-related Damage Control, Philippines-Style President Gloria Arroyo, mired in scandal since admitting to rigging an election last year, has hit upon the kind of leadership tactic that Hillary Clinton can only dream of: She is sending her husband, reeling from his own racketeering scandal, into exile.

Shi'ite Cleric Orders End to Celebratory Shootings After 3 Deaths You know all that news footage of people in the Middle East celebrating some election victory or suicide bombing by shooting their guns in the air? Did you ever wonder what happens when the bullets come down? Apparently, they kill people, as they did in Lebanon after the recent elections, hence the fatwa. In a truly awesome move, the top Shi'ite cleric in Lebanon called such displays both "annoying" and "retarded."

Redesigned Freedom Tower Unveiled, Now With 20 Percent More Freedom The new design is slightly less ridiculous than the previous one, but take heart, fans of childish gestures: the new building will still be 1,776 feet tall. About 400 feet of that will be in the form of a spire, like in the old design, but get this: In the new Freedom Tower, "The spire will emit light, to serve as a 'beacon of freedom,' according to the plans."

Poll: Majority of Californians Starting to Come to Their Senses The poll numbers continue to be grim for Gov. Embarrassment (R-Austria): Only 39 percent of Californian voters say they're inclined to accept a second term for the star of "Jingle All The Way," while 57 percent say they are not so inclined. The election is 17 months away, so let's not uncork the champagne yet, but this is fine evidence that the business of governing is turning out to be harder than the business of pretending to be a murderous robot from the future.

Connecticut Democrats Kill GOP Plan to Limit Eminent Domain First the conservatives on the Surpeme Court make the right call on the eminent domain case, and now the Republicans are blocked in their effort to limit the damage done by the majority ruling. Up is down. Night is day.

"The Indians Are Bastards Anyway" Every year around this time, the federal government releases more declassified Nixon tapes and documents. One of my favorite summer activities is reading about the bizarre inner life of Dick Nixon. Starting last year, the tapes increasingly depict Nixon as Lear and Kissinger as his fool, and this year's batch is no exception. The highlight seems to be Nixon's characterization of Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi. "We really slobbered over the old witch," he told Kissinger, who replied, statesmanly, "The Indians are bastards anyway."

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Stop All the Downloading!

Set Your TiVos To "Stunned": Bush to Address Nation While Surrounded by Soldiers Continuing the martial theme of his tenure, the only U.S. president to dress in military uniform while in office tonight will address the nation with a "stay the course" message about the war in Iraq from Fort Bragg, NC, surrounded by members of the 82nd Airborne. Meanwhile, Bush's approval ratings have fallen to their lowest level ever, with only 41 percent of the country saying he's doing a good job.

Iraqi Deputy, 4 Others Assassinated Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the bomb attack that took the life of Dhari Ali al-Fayadh, the first member of the Iraqi parliament to be assassinated since the body took office.

Italy Seeks Extradition of CIA Agents in Kidnapping Trial Lots of luck.

Mugabe Says Tony Blair 'Not Man Enough' to Come to Zimbabwe Also challenges Blair to meet him at the flag pole after recess for a slap fight.

Study: Losing Weight Increases Chance of Early Death Don't lose weight. Don't gain weight. Just. Don't. Do. Anything.

Psychiatrists Blast Cruise for Anti-Psychiatry Remarks "And you haven't been in a good movie since 'Magnolia,'" they add.

Bush I and Clinton Take Boating Trip Together It's like that movie where James Garner and Gene Hackman are both ex-presidents. If I recall correctly, this is a recipe for hilarious consequences!

Majority of Americans Believe Bush 'Intentionally Misled' Public About Iraq War And yet, I remember being called a traitor for suggesting precisely this in the long-gone spring of 2003. Does this mean it's okay for the Dixie Chicks to emerge from the witness protection program?

AFL-CIO On Verge of Split Over Strategic Disagreements Related: Grange Riven by Dispute Over Wisdom of Paper Money.

-Consider Arms

Monday, June 27, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Special "Stinging Dissent" Edition

Supreme Court, in 9-0 Decision, Rules that It's Not Ridiculous to Wear Robes to Work The Supreme Court decisions this term have been underwhelming. Or, if it's possible, merely whelming. The New London decision was a disaster; today's don't seem as earth-shaking. The court ruled that courthouses can't have displays of the 10 Commandments (but they can have friezes of Moses, if they're the Supreme Court), but that state capitols can. This is a decision that will please precisely no one. The court also ruled that file-sharing companies are liable for copyright infringement lawsuits, which is a decision that might have pleased King Canute. The court also ruled that Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller do not have the constitutional right not to name their sources before a grand jury, which sets up the delicious (but, in civil liberties terms, unhappy) prospect of Judith Miller going to prison.

Defeating Insurgency Could Take 12 Years, Rumsfeld Says Amidst New Iraqi Carnage Meanwhile, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East expressed frustration that his employers, the American public, are growing weary of this quagmire. "We don't need to fight this war looking over our shoulder worrying about the support back home," Gen. John Abizaid said, in response to polls showing that more than half the country now views the war as a mistake. Meanwhile, the violence has claimed the lives of more than 1,300 people since April 28, with the insurgents seemingly striking at will.

U.S. To Resume Production of Plutonium, First Time Since Cold War But when Iran does it, it's a matter of international concern.

California National Guard Identifies Your Mother As Terrorist Threat A special intelligence unit set up within the California National Guard to spy on citizens it believes could constitute a "terrorist threat" recently was exposed for spying on an anti-war Mother's Day celebration (Mother's Day, incidentally, was originally an anti-war holiday) sponsored by veterans' families and a group called the "Raging Grannies." Although this doesn't exactly strike fear into the depths of my soul, Lt. Stan Zezotarski told the San Jose Mercury News not to be fooled by the outward appearance of these deadly grandmothers: "Who knows who could infiltrate that type of group and try to stir something up? After all, we live in the age of terrorism, so who knows?" Indeed, leaked government reports indicate that there might already be grandmothers afoot in the Muslim world.

U.S. Military Confirms Talks With Iraqi Insurgents Whatever happened to the bankrupt, Ba'athist dead-enders who were on their last legs and feared democracy? Hmm, we must have killed all of them, because these insurgents are merely "representatives of the Sunni community" who seek "an active voice in the national dialogue." And instead of letters to the editor or petitions, they tend to use car bombs.

Life Can Be Tough For the Hitlers of Circleville, Ohio I say, good for them. Seriously: Why let one evil dictator screw up a perfectly good name for everybody else?

Veterans' Healthcare Budget Comes Up $1 Billion Short But the good news is, there's plenty of money for Hummer-related tax breaks!

GOP Senator Hagel: We're Losing the War in Iraq Nonsense. We won the war; it's the police action we're losing.

Cheney Says He Knows Where Bin Laden Is, But 'Weak Links' Forestall Capture "In the chain that you need to successfully wrap up the war on terror, we have some weak links," Vice President Destro said, ominously. "And I find that until we strengthen all the links, we're probably not going to be able to bring Mr. bin Laden to justice." Wait. Since when is he "Mr." Bin Laden? At any rate, if Destro knows where the Evil One is, maybe he can fill in Pervez Musharraf, who says he has "no idea" where Bin Laden is. After all, it's been, like, two weeks since the two of them last played squash together.

Billy Graham: Let Hillary Run the Country Hey, the Republicans got five Supreme Court justices to decide who runs the country; why not Billy Graham?

Schwarzenegger Seeks Truce With Democrats You certainly terminated them, all right, Governor National Shame.

- Consider Arms

Thursday, June 16, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror.

EU Ponders Putting Constitution on Hold Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.

Bush Criticizes Iranian Presidential Election Not enough disenfranchised black voters.

Five Marines Killed In Iraq Blast Since the elections, you see, everything there has been much calmer and more stable.

U.S. Ambassador: Osama Not in Afghanistan U.S. Public: Who's Osama again?

House of Representatives in 'Good Decision' Shocker The House voted to repeal the section of the ludicrously named USA PATRIOT Act that allows the FBI to examine library and bookstore records. However, President Bush is vowing to use his veto (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) if it passes the Senate. That's right; the guy has been president since January 2001, and he hasn't vetoed a single piece of legislation. What are we paying him for, again?

Democrats Use Downing Street Memo to Question Pre-War Actions of Administration And on the subject of the Downing Street Memo: it's sad when even the Monster Limo Weblog gets to a story before the Associated Press.

Jingle All the Way Back to Austria, You Steroidal Cretin Despite the fact that a tax hike is not on the ballot for this year's special election in California, Schwarzenegger continues to ignore the actual ballot initiatives, instead insisting that Democrats are trying to raise taxes. Recall, people: you did it once, you can do it again.

PBS Takes Steps to Shed Liberal Image Because in the United States in 2005, the way to achieve balance is to become conservative. Think about that, folks.

GM Warns Unions of Health Cuts GM plans to unilaterally reduce the healthcare benefits of United Auto Workers retirees, in addition to laying off 25,000 workers, unless the union agrees to concessions. Strike.

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Another Case of Preferential Treatment for a White Celebrity.


Now I can confidently purchase "Invincible" without feeling like a pervert.

Best Deep Throat Revelation Ever "According to originally confidential FBI documents — some written by Felt — that were obtained by The Nation from the FBI’s archives, Felt played another heretofore unknown part in the Watergate tale: He was, at heated moments during the scandal, in charge of finding the source of Woodward and Bernstein’s Watergate scoops. In a twist worthy of le CarrĂ©, Deep Throat was assigned the mission of unearthing — and stopping — Deep Throat."

20 Dead in Suicide Bombing in Northern Iraqi City of Kirkuk Meanwhile, a suicide bomber in Baghdad killed five police officers, and the police station in Kenaan was destroyed after a mortar attack.

Better Late Than Never The state of Mississippi is putting an 80-year-old Klansman on trial for the murders of civil rights activists James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner during the "Freedom Summer" of 1964. Bonus: the story is written by Emily Wagster Pettus, which is maybe the best reporter name ever.

Lawyer for CIA Terror Suspect Wants Trial Moved to Miami Say, do you think the guy accused of blowing up a Cuban airliner might get a sympathetic hearing in Miami?

U.S. Soldier Who Defected to North Korea in 1965 Prepares for First U.S. Visit in 40 Years "I'm a fucking retard," he confesses.

Flaws Discovered in Terror Watch List Among the major problems: 32,000 suspects classified as "armed and dangerous" are also given the lowest-level security rating, requiring no action by law enforcement. Oops!

-Consider Arms

Sunday, June 05, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: It'll take more than an ozone douche to keep the Sikh Geek out of the game.

Sadly, No One Is Able To Change His Name Back From "The Asshole Who Treid To Rename Fucking French Fries" The most ball-shattering act of jingoism in the lead-up to the Iraqi War was the attempt to rename "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries." (Long time MLWL viewers should recall our early article and MC No Shame's stunning graphic.) France didn't attack us and we weren't at war with the Gauls; we were just THAT pissed off at their refusal to support or unilateral, unprovoked, illegal war based on obviously false information. Now it seems that the public servant who led the charge (with, in his own words, "God's hand") against freedom-hating potato products has changed his mind and is now a vocal opponent against the war. Says Republican Walter Jones, "I wish it had never happened." Neither do we, douchebag.

STILL Pissed Off That He Didn't Get That Shiny Red Bike... An artist in Glasgow is getting heat for a 200 square foot billboard he designed that carries such slogans as "Stop Lying to Your Children About Santa Claus." The "artist" laments, "If you try and tell kids the truth about how they're being manipulated, you're the bad guy crushing their dreams." Well, yeah... Best line of the article? "Cullen's portfolio also includes a drawing of Santa saying 'I killed Jesus.'"

Because It's Either Al-Qaeda or The A.L.F. That Will Deliver The Next Terror Attack Remember when the Patriot Act was first being pitched and Americans were told that it would only be used to fight terrorists and not abused by fighting more minor, domestic crimes? Me neither.

None Dare Call It Monopoly, Or Really Sucky FM Radio A Clear Channel sponsored anti-Clear Channel station goes up against a real Clear Channel station to ultimately get more listeners to any of the Clear Channel stations. I think.

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Why it's a surveillance camera in the George Orwell Plaza!

-The Sikh Geek

Friday, May 27, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others.

If Knives Are Outlawed, Only 1950s Teen Delinquents Will Have Knives British lawmakers are considering heeding a call from a nationwide physicians' lobby to ban kitchen knives, which doctors say are used in half the stabbings in the country. To think, this wussiest of countries once conquered half the known world.

Movie Execs Fear Shrinking Attendance Could Be Permanent God, please let it be so.

Pentagon Confirms Koran 'Mishandling' Okay, so is Newsweek going to retract their retraction? Also, I'm still waiting for the FBI or the Pentagon to deny a single torture allegation. Anyone? Gentlemen?

Ohio GOP Fundraiser 'Lost' $12 Million in Public Investment Funds Invested in rare coins, no less. The people of Ohio are frankly lucky that the state pension plan wasn't sunk into magic beans.

Schwarzenegger Blasted For 'Product Placement' in Political Ads Some of the California governor's education ads have prominently featured Pepsi products; Pepsi is a major contributor to Schwarzenegger, and also one of the companies that would be affected if the governor ever made good on his threat to get junk food out of schools. Surprised, California? Well, you shouldn't be, because YOU ELECTED A MAN WHOSE PREVIOUS JOB WAS PRETENDING TO BE A MURDEROUS ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE.

France Set to Vote 'Non' This Weekend If French voters reject the new EU constitution, it could spell the end of Jacques Chirac's unpopular government and weaken the country's position in Europe.

Satirical Bush Posters Torn Down in California High School Posters promoting a school play that featured a caricature of the president with a Groucho Marx-style mustache and cigar were taken down after a single student complained. Officially, the school says the posters were removed because they "promoted smoking."

Americans Are Either Cynical or Retarded: Poll A USA Today/Gallup/CNN poll this week showed that George Bush's approval ratings, at around 46 percent, are the lowest since his "election" in 2000. Moreover, huge majorities disapprove of his positions on Iraq, the economy, Social Security, and foreign affairs. And yet fully 52 percent of the public thinks Bush "has the personality and leadership qualities a president should have." Either Americans are retards, or they are cynical to a extent no one has previously imagined.

-Consider Arms, Who Is Soon to Be Decamping from the Blue States to the Red States for a Much-Needed Vacation

Thursday, May 26, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Please Stop Flushing Books Down The Toilet.

Washington Post: Koran-Flushing May Have Happened After All The best part about this whole story is that no one denies that FBI agents tortured prisoners; the big question is whether they got a book wet.

Baghdad to be 'Locked Down' as Conflicting Reports Emerge on Fate of Zarqawi 40,000 troops will soon participate in a massive sweep through Iraq's capital, looking for weapons and insurgents. Light at the end of the tunnel? Turning the corner? A dwindling band of Baathist dead-enders? Etc.?

France Looks Set to Reject New EU Constitution Not enough gypsy-bashing.

Saudi Poet Jailed After Calling For Elections But in Iraq, he'd be a heroic advocate of freedom! Too bad he's a native of our ally, Saudi Arabia, where he's just a criminal.

Dems Ponder 'Compromise' On Social Security Dismantling We'll snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if it's the last thing we do.

From Red to Even Redder The Wall Street Journal has an interesting graphic showing what current census projections could mean for electoral politics. Based on census data, states which voted Bush in 2004 (Red states) are going to keep growing, while population in Blue states will decline. In 2004, the Red states accounted for 286 electoral votes. By 2032, those same states will have a total of 303 electoral votes. In the meantime, the Blue states were 252 electoral votes in 2004, and by 2032 that number will shrink to 235. This is obviously not to say that every state will continue to vote the way it did in 2004; but by 2032, the Republicans could lose Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa and still win the White House. Start breeding, Democrats.

Avert Your Eyes: Non-Catholics in Child-Abuse Scandal According to New Orleans police and the FBI, the Hosanna Church was a front for a Satanic cult that included a pastor and a police officer, which abused dozens of children. The FBI has recovered photos and videotapes of Satanic rituals being performed that also involve child abuse. Phew - I'm glad all that "Satanic cult" stuff in the 1980s was only make-believe!

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Saint Barbara, Don't Let Me Explode.

Filibuster 'Saved' in Bipartisan Deal But in order for the Republicans not to eliminate the filibuster, Democrats have to promise not to use it. Let's all just admit we were wrong and go back to a hereditary monarchy.

Anti-Syrian Lebanese Opposition Splits Along Religious Lines That didn't take long.

Socialist/Green Coalition Collapsing As Germany Faces Early Elections On the bright side, those elections might result in us getting to use the phrase "Chancellor Merkel."

Good Taste Continues to Threaten American Industry Despite the new Star Wars movie's record-setting weekend, overall box office receipts were still down from this time last year, for the 13th straight week.

13 American Soldiers, 49 Iraqis Killed in Bomb Blasts Light at the end of the tunnel, turning the corner, insurgents on the ropes, last gasp of Baathist dead-enders, progress, democracy, etc. etc.

Penn. Man Accused of Trying to Sell Bomb to Al Qaeda Um, don't they have their own?

Texas School Apologizes to Honors Student Identified Only as "Black Girl" in Yearbook Identification was not "meant to be malicious," says White Lawyer.

Medicaid Paying for Sex Offenders' Viagra: Audit I sense an endorsement deal...

Stop Drinking Coke You should stop anyway, but definitely don't drink any Coke products while the company's workers in California and Connecticut are on strike. Yes, Sikh Geek, this includes Sprite: Remix.

- Consider Arms

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Warning - May Blow Your Mind, Dude.

William Saletan on the Kansas Evolution Controversy "It's too bad liberals and scientists don't welcome this test. It's too bad they go around sneering, as censors of science often have, that the new theory is too radical, offensive, or embarrassing to be taken seriously. It's too bad they think good science consists of believing the right things."

Suicide Bombs Kill More Than 60 in Iraq; Bloodiest Day Since February Corner: turned. Light: at end of tunnel. Momentum: forward.

Judge Allows United to Default on Workers' Pension Guess who's going to have to pay for that pension fund? The taxpayers - and the workers are only going to get half of what they're owed. Another success for the magic of the free market!

NY Times Tries to Shed 'Liberal' Image Okay: done. What's step two?

4 Dead in Anti-American Protest in Afghanistan The protest was sparked by a Newsweek story about how American interrogators in Afghanistan have been desecrating the Koran. Hearts and minds, baby, hearts and minds.

Right-wing Airplane-bombing Terrorist Was Also CIA Agent Shocker.

'No Motive' in California Mass Murder/Suicide Whatever happened to "crazy"?

Bush-loving Baptist Pastor Resigns Amid Purge Scandal The Rev. Chan Chandler of the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has resigned in the wake of allegations that he booted nine members of his church for voting for John Kerry. Apparently, most of the young members of the church, who had been brought in by Chandler, left with him.

$82 Billion Spending War-related Spending Bill Heads to Bush That's $300 billion on war and terrorism since 2001. Meanwhile, how's your health plan?

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Nucular War.

World Exclusive: Elaine from Seinfeld Has Opinion Hey, everybody, it's Arianna Huffington's new "group blog" - featuring brilliant sentiments from noted thinkers like Danielle Crittenden, Larry Gelbart, Bill Maher, and Rob Reiner (an unintentionally hilarious piece called "Where Have You Gone Woodward & Bernstein?" that plumbs new depts in celebrity pseudo-solemnity). Wow, what a great addition to the marketplace of ideas. Was there really anyone in the world who thought, "What we need is another self-absorbed, semi-amusing 'riff' from Larry David"?

Hollywood Panics as Good Taste Runs Amok With two dud "blockbusters" in a row ("The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sci-Fi Shit I Didn't Care About Even When I Was 12" and "Swords!" or whatever with the elf from the hobbit movies), Hollywood is looking at its biggest slump in at least five years. Keep it up America; stop going to movies!

A Tale of Two Headlines: Bush Says Georgia Is an Example of Freedom to the World from today's Voice of America, and Georgia: Torture Still Goes Unpunished from an April 13 report by Human Rights Watch. Hey, they could still be an example of freedom to the world; a bad example, but an example nonetheless.

North Korea: U.S. Should Stop "Fussing" Over Possible Nuclear Weapons Test Reports that Kim Jong Il also urged America to stop "a-cussin' and a-feudin'," and to instead begin "a-huggin' and a-lovin'," could not be confirmed at press time.

U.S. 'Playing With Fire' On Drive to Revalue Yuan Maybe we shouldn't piss off the people who own $196.5 billion worth of Treasury securities, keeping interest rates artificially low. Because low interest rates and exuberant consumer spending aren't keeping the economy afloat or anything.

- Consider Arms

Friday, May 06, 2005

TODAY'S TOP NEWS: In Which The British People Reward Failure and Deception.

Jolly Good Show, Captain Fuck Up! Tony Blair has pulled off the unprecedented feat of steering the Labour Party to three successive electoral victories (in British history, only the dread Margaret Thatcher's Conservatives managed the same). This means, old boy, that the British people have given the thumbs-up to lying in order to embark on an illegal imperialist war. Old habits die hard, old chap! But this was no coronation: Labour's majority is down from 161 seats to about 60; they won 36 percent of the vote to the Tories' 33 percent, and the Liberal Democrats' 22 percent. In other words, 64 percent of the British people voted against Labour. But in the kooky, spooky, mysterious and ooky British electoral system, that still translates into an absolute majority in Parliament. And you thought the American electoral system was fucked up!

GOP Congressman Admits: We Went to War for Oil Then why the fuck am I paying $2.29 a gallon for regular gas? This administration is so incompetent that it can't even exploit other countries correctly!

Secret Blair Memo Admits: We Went to War Because We Fucking Felt Like It Oh, the UK is all in a tizzy because a secret memo from Blair's cabinet was leaked showing the war in Iraq was decided on in July 2002. Big deal. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy from Centcom tell an audience at UConn, proudly, that they started planning the invasion in January 2002. You limeys were late to the ballgame!

Insurgent Attacks Kill 33 in Iraq Corner turned, light at end of tunnel, tremendous improvement, etc. etc.

Al Qaeda's Number Three Man Caught! Bin Laden Sure to Follow! Unless you talk to the CIA, the Pakistani secret service, and indepedent scholars, who say this guy wasn't #3, that Bin Laden is no closer to being captured, and that there is no - repeat, THERE IS NOT - a tooth fairy. Spoilsports.

Kerry: Supporting Gay Marriage a Mistake for Dems And if any Democrat knows about making political mistakes...

Venezuela Demands Extradition of Terrorist Suspect from U.S. I believe you mean "freedom fighter," not "terrorist," you Communist wetback.

-Consider Arms

Monday, May 02, 2005

Today's Top News: Even Laura Bush Mocks Her Husband's Pronunciation of "Nuclear."

Blair Wants Billions to Build New Nuke Weapons There's an arms race with Wales, you see.

Speaking of Nukes: US Military Wants to Give Regional Commanders Authority to Carry Out 'Preemptive' Nuclear Strikes Doesn't the Cold War, with its lower risk of nuclear weapons use, actually seem kind of quaint nowadays?

At Least 30 Killed in Bombing at Kurd Pol's Funeral About 130 people have been killed in insurgent attacks in the last four days.

Ohio GOP Treasurer Investigated for Investing $50 Million in Public Funds in Rare Coins; Now Hundreds of the Coins Are Missing Insert your own "penny ante" joke here.

US Grants $500 Million Annually to Torture-prone Uzbekistan But the key here is that they're torturing the right people.

-Consider Arms

Friday, April 29, 2005

Today's Top News: Now Safe for Nerds.

Thatcher, frustrated at failure of Conservative Party, leaves Britain as election nears Back to Mordor, it seems.

Speaking of permanent minority parties... "Give 'em Heck" Harry Reid says it will take "a miracle" for the Democrats to recapture the Senate. That's the spirit!

Schwarzenegger praises vigilante "Minuteman" border patrols; says group has been effective in halting illegal border crossings Irony is apparently not a strong point for the man from Austria. Nor, after this, will be his popularity among Mexican voters in California.

Iraq car bombs kill at least 23, wound at least 80 At least four others killed in Baghdad mayhem today.

Munch masterpieces likely incinerated by thieves Wait, what was the point of this robbery, again?

Iraqi Vice President says Sunnis may withdraw from government First, though, they'll have to actually join the government.

Islamist Web site reports Bin Laden dead, then alive Let's compromise: He's undead, like Dracula.

Interesting read: How evangelical Christians are creating an alternative universe of faith-based news Or, as Jose Ortega y Gasset said, revolution is not the overthrow of the existing order, but the establishment of a contrary order.

-Consider Arms

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Today's Top News: The Filibuster Is Over! We're Back!

Security: Seize These Impudent Peasants! Things continue to look bad for Rep. Tom "The Bug Man" DeLay, R-Tex. Last night, the House voted to repeal new ethics rules it had adopted earlier this year specifically to protect the ethics-averse majority leader from facing prosecution for any acts committed while in office. DeLay, while stalking off in anger, told reporters looking for a quote, "You guys better get out of my way! Where's my security?"

Bigfoot Emerges to Defend Social Security Liquidation The press-shy President George W. Bush is planning his first press conference of the year for tonight at 8:30 p.m., specifically to focus on his plan to eliminate Social Security, a plan that has led to record-low approval ratings for the embattled chief exec. Also likely to come up: the top U.S. general in Iraq announcing this week that the insurgency remains undiminished in its capacity to wreak havoc, and has even gained ground.

Read the Secret Service's files on ace reporter/gay prostitute/softball player Jeff Gannon/J.D. Guckert. Nothing sexy, sadly, but a lot of interesting factoids like: Gannon would frequently be checked into the White House on days when no press events were scheduled.

Iraqi PM picks new cabinet; Sunnis slighted, but an old familiar face. Embezzler, Iranian spy, and longtime MLWL favorite, Ahmad "The Man of Cats" Chalabi is the new Iraqi Minister of Oil! Shut out: former interim PM Iyad Allawi's Sunni party, which got none of 37 Cabinet posts.

State Department releases new statisics on world terrorism: every indicator has increased. The number of attacks went from 175 in 2003 to 675 in 2004, and the number of people killed went from 651 to 1,907. Keep in mind that these numbers don't include insurgent activity in Iraq. Don't worry though, because "senior officials said the threefold increase was a result of changes in methodology and urged reporters at a hastily called briefing not to compare this year's terrorism numbers with previous ones."

Schwarzenegger approval ratings fall below Gray Davis' Quick! Recite another inane catchphrase from one of your stupid movies!

Motley Crue offers $10K reward for missing fan. What budget cuts hath wrought: We're now outsourcing police jobs to over-the-hill hair metal bands.

- Consider Arms

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Kerry in '08! Come on! Who's With Me?

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss While you were busy filling glass bottles with gasoline for your Terri Schiavo-related riot, there was a revolution in Kyrgyzstan. U.S. press coverage seems to link this revolution to the similarly bloodless affairs in Ukraine and Georgia, but there's a key difference: the Kyrgyz rebels are former Communist insiders, and the regime they toppled is that of a liberal, Western-style reformer.

Wrong Man, Right Mustache A letter signed by 59 former diplomats has been delivered to Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Indiana, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The signatories, including diplomats from every administration from Nixon to Clinton, urge Lugar to oppose the nomination of ivory-'stached neocon John Bolton to the post of ambassador to the UN. Personally, I think the idea of appointing a man who has vowed to destroy the UN to serve on its Security Council is one of President Bush's rare Dadaist touches.

Property: No Longer Theft We've all had a good chortle about the crass consumerism of Christian stores like Not Of This World, but what about the runaway shopaholism of those consummate state-smashers, the anarchists? At this year's annual Anarchist Book Fair in San Francisco, the intellectual descendants of Emma Goldman and Buenaventura Durutti came together to express their opposition to all forms of hierarchy by purchasing books, CDs, and t-shirts that say "Fuck Your Fascist Beauty Standards." As Joey Cain, the organizer of the book fair, puts it anarchistically: "A Bush election is very good for anarchist consumerism." You see? The president is getting the economy back on its feet.

The Triumphant Return of "Jeff Gannon," Ace Reporter! "Jeff Gannon," known to his parents and gay softball teammates as J.D. Guckert, has been invited to appear as a member of a National Press Club panel on issues involving blogging and journalism. "Jeff" is remarkably well-qualified to discuss this issue, since he posted GOP press releases on a blog called Talon News and was given a White House press pass in exchange. The fact that "Jeff" is not technically a journalist (and has, technically, been a male escort) does not seem to deter the National Press Club. The panel will also include phony reporter Ana Marie Cox of "Wonkette" fame, making this the first time in history that Cox will be in a room full of reporters and not be the least qualified person there.

Standing On the Shoulders of Giants The problem with the Left - liberals, progressives, populists, anarchists, what have you - is that it's no fun. The Left contains many well-meaning people (and many not-so-well-meaning people), but when it comes to cutting loose, you might as well be at a Young Americans For Freedom mixer in Indiana, circa 1963. The Left has far too many sacred cows to be effective at undermining the rapacious Bush administration and its allies, whose only sacred cow is Capital. Follow the above link for proof of this: A selection of Lefty writers desecrating the great work of Ambrose Bierce, one of America's most vile, embittered, and magnificent journalists. The well-meaning Lefties attempt a rewrite of Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," in which he spelled out the nihilist worldview in a way so witty and charming that even the people he attacks (that is, everybody) can't help but laugh along with him. Bierce had no friends or allies, and spares no one from his disdain: He not only goes after religion and politics, he goes after basic human relationships, as when, for example, he defines the word "Befriend" as "To make an ingrate." Bierce vanished in Mexico before World War I, and his masterpiece has long been in the public domain; indulge your wicked sense of cynicism here. But his successors have done a poor job matching the man's bile, because they only direct it at one source: Bierce recognized that all politicians and parties are equally contemptible, an insight the Left can't stomach (Bierce's definition of "Radicalism": "The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today"). Here's Arlie Hochschild, by contrast, breaking out the satire: "Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc." Nurse - please! My sides are splitting! Or, how about Tom Engelhardt defining "Patriotism": "How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better." A cutting insight, there, Tom. But contrast that with Bierce's definition of the same word: "Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyone ambitious enough to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first." The lesson: real satire has no friends, not even Naomi Klein.

-Consider Arms
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Kerry in '08! Come on! Who's With Me?

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss While you were busy filling glass bottles with gasoline for your Terri Schiavo-related riot, there was a revolution in Kyrgyzstan. U.S. press coverage seems to link this revolution to the similarly bloodless affairs in Ukraine and Georgia, but there's a key difference: the Kyrgyz rebels are former Communist insiders, and the regime they toppled is that of a liberal, Western-style reformer.

Wrong Man, Right Mustache A letter signed by 59 former diplomats has been delivered to Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Indiana, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The signatories, including diplomats from every administration from Nixon to Clinton, urge Lugar to oppose the nomination of ivory-'stached neocon John Bolton to the post of ambassador to the UN. Personally, I think the idea of appointing a man who has vowed to destroy the UN to serve on its Security Council is one of President Bush's rare Dadaist touches.

Property: No Longer Theft We've all had a good chortle about the crass consumerism of Christian stores like Not Of This World, but what about the runaway shopaholism of those consummate state-smashers, the anarchists? At this year's annual Anarchist Book Fair in San Francisco, the intellectual descendants of Emma Goldman and Buenaventura Durutti came together to express their opposition to all forms of hierarchy by purchasing books, CDs, and t-shirts that say "Fuck Your Fascist Beauty Standards." As Joey Cain, the organizer of the book fair, puts it anarchistically: "A Bush election is very good for anarchist consumerism." You see? The president is getting the economy back on its feet.

The Triumphant Return of "Jeff Gannon," Ace Reporter! "Jeff Gannon," known to his parents and gay softball teammates as J.D. Guckert, has been invited to appear as a member of a National Press Club panel on issues involving blogging and journalism. "Jeff" is remarkably well-qualified to discuss this issue, since he posted GOP press releases on a blog called Talon News and was given a White House press pass in exchange. The fact that "Jeff" is not technically a journalist (and has, technically, been a male escort) does not seem to deter the National Press Club. The panel will also include phony reporter Ana Marie Cox of "Wonkette" fame, making this the first time in history that Cox will be in a room full of reporters and not be the least qualified person there.

Standing On the Shoulders of Giants The problem with the Left - liberals, progressives, populists, anarchists, what have you - is that it's no fun. The Left contains many well-meaning people (and many not-so-well-meaning people), but when it comes to cutting loose, you might as well be at a Young Americans For Freedom mixer in Indiana, circa 1963. The Left has far too many sacred cows to be effective at undermining the rapacious Bush administration and its allies, whose only sacred cow is Capital. Follow the above link for proof of this: A selection of Lefty writers desecrating the great work of Ambrose Bierce, one of America's most vile, embittered, and magnificent journalists. The well-meaning Lefties attempt a rewrite of Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," in which he spelled out the nihilist worldview in a way so witty and charming that even the people he attacks (that is, everybody) can't help but laugh along with him. Bierce had no friends or allies, and spares no one from his disdain: He not only goes after religion and politics, he goes after basic human relationships, as when, for example, he defines the word "Befriend" as "To make an ingrate." Bierce vanished in Mexico before World War I, and his masterpiece has long been in the public domain; indulge your wicked sense of cynicism here. But his successors have done a poor job matching the man's bile, because they only direct it at one source: Bierce recognized that all politicians and parties are equally contemptible, an insight the Left can't stomach (Bierce's definition of "Radicalism": "The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today"). Here's Arlie Hochschild, by contrast, breaking out the satire: "Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc." Nurse - please! My sides are splitting! Or, how about Tom Engelhardt defining "Patriotism": "How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better." A cutting insight, there, Tom. But contrast that with Bierce's definition of the same word: "Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyone ambitious enough to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first." The lesson: real satire has no friends, not even Naomi Klein.

-Consider Arms

Monday, March 28, 2005

TODAY'S TOP ONE: Captain EO Is Innocent

In Slate today, there's a little notice about BJ, the "pudgy superfan" at the Michael Jackson trial who stands outside on a ladder and yells that Sony is behind the accusations against Jackson. I realize there are more important things to think about, but for the love of God I can't tear myself away from the Jackson trial coverage. It is simply the best courtroom circus of all time. From the article:

7:35 a.m.: BJ the pudgy superfan is here in front of the courthouse again, standing on his ladder and yelling. He waves around a DVD copy of Captain EO as he chants, "We love Captain EO! Captain EO is innocent!"

BJ's become a real fixture here. Everybody knows his name. And his story: He moved here from Tennessee during jury selection just so he could hang around the trial and offer his undying support to Michael. Sadly, yesterday—during one of the breaks—BJ got kicked out of the courthouse.


Easily the most astonishing thing about this passage is that Captain EO is out on DVD. How did that happen?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Are You Sure You Want To Side With The Likes Of Randell Terry?

[note: I assume this was posted by the SG, even though it is unsigned]

"The Left's gleeful, pro-death stance"? "Willful pursuit of a woman's death by starvation"? If Jeb Bush takes the crown in '08 it's because of statements like these. That's because the Right has mastered the technique of marshalling outrage over cultural and "moral" issues, to generate votes, while advancing policies that undermine every aspect of our lives, including how we end them. When you take away the ex post facto maneuvering of Congress, the subversion of the judicial system, and the political opportunism (this may be planet earth, but it still doesn't make it right), you know what you're left with? You're left with the legal guardian of an incurable woman attempting to carry out her wishes, which have been affirmed by 19 judges and whose ethical basis is agreed upon by the majority of Americans. So let's take this point-by-point:

1. She's not terminal, but she stated that she would not want to be kept alive by artificial means, and courts from the state to federal level consistently reaffirm this.

2. The state of Florida expanded their definition of life support in 1999 to include feeding tubes. Note that this link came from the Schiavo's own web site, so even they define a feeding tube as "life support."

3. "If we assume that those who advocate her death are correct, Schiavo is completely unaware of her situation and is thus incapable of suffering physically or emotionally." So does that mean we should force her to live via life support means?

4. Conservative talking points will get you no where. No court has found any evidence that due process was denied, that's why no court will overturn the earlier ruling.

5. Actually, that's the problem. Schiavo is being treated differently by conservatives in Congress who are coming dangerously close to creating bills of attainder, this is, legislation directed at a single individual. Again, 19 judges have upheld Terri's wish not to be kept on life support as advocated by her legal guardian, her husband.

6. Saying that the call for states rights in this case makes it analogous with segregation is absurd. Why do you think SCOTUS refused to hear this case? Again, because no constitutional rights were violated. What Congress is attempting to do is circumvent the state judicial system. Are you advocating that?

7. It's a tactic to obstruct the outcome of this case in an effort to pander to the Right, nothing more.

As this excellent opinion piece in Salon points out, this is bigger than the "haters", the "God-bashers". It's about whether we allow the emotional intensity of a single case to override, and ultimately erode, our objectivity as codified in our legal system. And when Schiavo finally does expire, the Right will most certainly be there to sanctimoniously proclaim their righteous indignation and chide the Left for it's ghoulishness. Despite the will of our laws and despite will of most Americans.

--MC No Shame
TODAY'S TOP ONE: Why Not? Another Terri Schiavo Post.

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend of mine in Nicaragua, who's working for a left wing newspaper and hanging out with old Sandinistas. A real Bush-supporter, in other words. He was asking if the American media was giving any play to a story about the U.S. stationing missiles in Nicaragua. Not really, I said. It's all Terri Schiavo and Michael Jackson up here. "Terri Schiavo?" my friend asked. "Isn't that the woman the liberals up there want to kill?"

Word to that. As much as it pains me to be on the same side of any issue as Tom DeLay and the Bush brothers, I've been completely alienated by the Left's gleeful pro-death stance on Terri Schiavo. I'm not arguing about which neurologist says she's in a permanent vegetative state and which doesn't; I'm talking about the willful pursuit of a woman's death by starvation. When you clear away all the talk about culture of life, judicial oversight, Republican cynicism, and congressional intervention, that's what we're talking about: whether a woman starves to death or not.

Serious subject, but the seventh graders who make up the American Left can't bring themselves to address it with any kind of solemnity. Here's popular Lefty blogger The Rude Pundit, whose screed was approvingly linked by Buzzflash:

As the Rude Pundit said last week, she must die, for her sake, for the sake of her family, and to demonstrate that God, Jesus, Allah, whoever, doesn't want her to live. (There you go, stupid fuckers praying outside the hospice, traveling from all over the country to screech and murmur to a negligent deity: if "God" wants her to live so fuckin' badly, why doesn't "He" heal her?)...Now we know why the enemy so absurdly "protects" the "rights" of those "who have no voice": the brain-damaged, the fetuses: because those can't tell the enemy that they're just fucking wrong....Correction: Last week, the Rude Pundit referred to Terri Schiavo's brain as a "rock." More properly, it should be called a "puddle" or a "soup."

http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2005/03/quorum-of-savages-notes-from-debate-of.html

For the first time ever, I'm glad that George W. Bush is president, because it means assholes like this will be impotently frustrated for at least another three and a half years. The inability to show compassion is an ugly deficiency; since it's so common to the Left these days (the Rude Pundit is by no means an unrepresentative sample), it's almost guaranteed that nauseating little haters like this will never, ever be able to convince a significant slice of the American public to vote for their candidates.

To all the people who are complaining that the Republicans are using this case to score political points: Welcome to planet fucking Earth. Are you aware that playing politics - to the extent of turning absolutely everything into a political cause - is what all politicians do all the time? The Republicans are smart; they're positioning themselves as compassionate on a key issue in a key state. Democrats can only natter pointlessly about court proceedings while their "progressive" allies shout: "When is that bitch gonna die?" (I comment I have heard) This is why Republicans run the country and will continue to run the country for the forseeable future: because Democrats and progressives are dumb as shit.

A few points to consider before painting up those "Let the bitch die" banners:

1. Schiavo is not terminally ill. She has lived in this state for 15 years. This is not a case about "end of life" decision-making or "the right to die." The question is whether her legal guardian has the right to force her to die by starvation and dehydration.

2. Schiavo is not dependent on life support. Her lungs, kidneys, heart, and digestive systems work fine. A feeding tube is a piece of adaptive technology, not some superhuman feet of preservation.

3. If we assume that those who advocate her death are correct, Schiavo is completely unaware of her situation and is thus incapable of suffering physically or emotionally. "Relieving her suffering" is therefore not a justification for bringing about her death.

4. Schiavo, like all people, has a federal, constitutional right not to be deprived of her life without due process of law.

5. Under the Americans With Disabilities Act, Schiavo has a statutory right not to be treated differently because of her disability. Florida law obviously does not allow a husband to starve his non-disabled wife to death; in this case, Schiavo's disability makes her exceptional in the eyes of the state courts. Under the ADA, the state has the burden of justifying the line it's drawing.

6. In other contexts, federal courts are available to make sure state courts uphold constitutionally protected rights. Hearing liberals cry about states' rights - the rallying call of segregation - is ugly.

7. The law passed in Congress did not require a feeding tube to be reinserted. It simply created a procedure under which the federal courts can decided whether Schiavo's federally-protected rights are being upheld.

As Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa), a friend of labor unions and liberal causes, said, "There are a lot of people in the shadows, all over this country, who are incapacitated because of a disability, and many times there is no one to speak for them, and it is hard to determine what their wishes really are or were. So I think there ought to be a broader type of a proceeding that would apply to people in similar circumstances who are incapacitated."

http://www.slate.com/id/2115208/

Keep up the hating, though, gang, and the God-bashing and the snide juvenile jokes. Not only will Republicans hold onto Congress, but on Inauguration Day 2009, you're going to be gritting your teeth and bitching on the Internet about President Jeb Bush.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Don't Get Used To This

The Right To Die Before You're Used As A Political Pawn
As if non-stop Martha coverage wasn't enough to send me to Costco for a 2 gallon bottle of Pepto-bismol, now I have to endure the ad hominem legislative antics of our "culture of life" supporters in Washington. Yes, I'm talking about the media and political frenzy around Terri Schiavo, a woman who's condition makes Stephen Hawking look like an Olympic athlete. Won't someone please let this poor woman die with at least a shred of dignity? While I empathize with her parents and their obstinate reluctance to let go of their child, no amount of "therapy" is going to bring back a brain damaged woman 15 years after the fact. And to allow Congressional Republicans (and Democrats), along with the president, to use the family tragedy as a cheap tool to placate Christian fundamentalists and pad their voting record is just repulsive. Constitutional scholars back me up here; isn't it illegal for Congress to pass a law directed at a single individual? I won't even get in to all the obvious contradictions of being against stem cell research, being for the death penalty, but claiming you're out to protect life. So I'm saying it loud and saying it proud; for the sake of the husband, the family, and our legislative process, but most of all for the woman herself, I want Terri Schiavo to die.

--MC No Shame

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Robert Blake Lives, Terry Schiavo Dies

Enough To Make Steroids In Baseball Seem Important Hats off to Rep. Al Edwards for fighting the good fight. The Texas legislator is attempting to put an end to sexually suggestive" cheerleaders. "It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down." And speaking of "breaking it down," isn't the Lone Star State always scraping the bottom in national standards of literacy and school performance? Way to pick your battles. P.S. The steroid is not entirely unimportant; seeing Mark McGuire cry like a child in front of members of Congress was priceless.

What Happened to Marcus-Marcus Anyways? Old-time fans of the MLWL have been wondering for awhile what has become the blog's co-creator and delightful poster of over a year. I wish I had good news to report, but currently he is looking for a new job...

The Hunter Becomes The Hunted The voice of The Fish on the air becomes the Fresh Fish in the jail. "Agents with the FBI's Violent Crimes Task Force arrested a Christian radio station personality as part of a child pornography investigation. Bureau agents began investigating Chris Ruleman, 40, a midday host for WFFI, 94FM The Fish, earlier this week after receiving information that he possessed child pornography."

A Thousand Flowers Of Parody Bloom Wow. Whiskey Bar does an amazing comparison between David Horowitz's anti-liberal academic crusade and the Maoist Cultural Revolution.
Image hosted by TinyPic.com

I Mean, What's REALLY Important About An Unqualified Gay Prostitute Gaining Questionable Access To The White House Press Room Under The Cover Of A GOP-Funded Pseudo-News Outlet For Two Years To Lob Softball Questions To The President And His Press Secretary? "The House Judiciary Committee voted against adopting a resolution demanding Bush agencies turn over all credentialing information related to James D. Guckert 21-10, the discredited conservative reporter and prostitute who wrote under the nom de guerre 'Jeff Gannon.'" Shocker.

That's What You Get For Referring To Consider Arms As "The Lowest of the Low" Bitch. Connecticut's biggest embarrassment (well, after Lieberman and that mayor who molested kids)is headed to prison for corruption. While the shitty Courant is quick to point out that Federal Prison Camp Devens isn't quite "Club Fed" we're dissapointingly sure that John Rowland won't have to beg for his life at the hands of scumbags like this.


A Cross-Country Tour Fit For The Band Jackyl

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The Decalogue is hitting the Southern states with awesome opening act and quixotic political aspirant Judge Roy Moore!

Until Chris Burke Becomes A Preacher, Religion In Hollywood Can't Get More Retarded "In its apparent never-ending thirst for increased cash flow the so-called “Kabbalah Centre,” run by the Philip Berg family of California and favored by Madonna, has launched a new energy drink. The “Kabbalah Energy Drink” is sold in a red; white and blue can and produced through the same company that puts out 7 Up. A Kabbalah spokesperson says, “It’s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water” reported MSNBC. “We’re going after the Red Bull market,” he also said."

-The Sikh Geek, Weekend Warrior

Thursday, March 17, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Happy St. Paddy's Day.

I've Saved Social Security! And I did it with fried Oreos: According to University of Illinois researchers, over the next 50 years, the average U.S. life expectancy (currently at 77 years) will drop by as much as five years, the first time in two centuries that life expectancy will decline in America. The reason? We're all too fat. On the bad side, this means an overall quality of life decline. On the bright side, it could have such significant impacts that the Social Security "crisis" currently being pimped by the Bush gang will solve itself, demographically speaking. So you see, every cloud does have a silver line. Eat up, fellow porkers - we're being fiscally responsible!

No Blood for Oil. Seriously Well, I guess the neocons were right: The Iraq War wasn't about getting that country's most lucrative natural resource. Yesterday, the price of a barrel of oil hit $57.24, nearly two dollars higher than the previous record, which was hit in October. Remember in 2003 when people went batshit because oil went over the $50 mark for the first time ever? Boy, I never thought I'd consider 2003 "the good old days."

Hey, Is That the Heroic Defender of Freedom Making Out With Stalin? No, it's just Australian billionaire Rupert Murdoch making nice with Communist Party officials; not American Communist Party officials, mind you, but the kind of Communist Party officials who actually kill people. This fawning report in the People's Daily, an organ of the Chinese Communist Party, details a recent visit Rupert had with party officials, who praised him for his "active efforts and strenuous work in advancing cooperation with China's news media." Rupert, for his part, vowed that he would "further strengthen cooperative ties with the Chinese media, and explore new areas with an even more positive attitude." I don't know about you, but I can't wait for Fox News' "even more positive attitude" regarding the persecution of religious groups and the murder of political dissidents.

Affirmative Action for the Stupid Bush can't stop promoting people who fail, can he? Airheaded Condoleeza Rice botches the national security intelligence leading up to the Iraq War; she's promoted to be Secretary of State. George "Slam Dunk" Tenet fucks up the pre-war intelligence; he's given a presidential medal of freedom. Johns Bolton and Negroponte both bungle their war assignments; Bolton is now the UN ambassador, and Negroponte is national intelligence director. The latest success in this parade of failure is Paul Wolfowitz, a man who uses his own spit to comb his hair. Wolfowitz is Bush's choice to head the World Bank; although Wolfowitz has no training as an economist, he did say that the occupation of Iraq would "pay for itself," which has turned out to be...insanely false. The only way the Europeans can save face on this is by making Michael Moore head of the IMF.

This Would Be a Great Way to Make 20 Grand In our 10-day hiatus from blogging, there's been a lot of important news: demonstrations in Lebanon, mounting evidence of corruption in Tom DeLay's office, the continuing unpopularity of Bush's Social Security program, the appointment of John Bolton to the UN. Instead of playing catch-up with any of that, though, we proudly present an offer for $20,000 in exchange for proof that ace reporter Jeff Gannon had sex with prominent Washington figures during his days as a male escort. Enjoy!

-Consider Arms

Monday, March 07, 2005

None Dare Call It Nihilism

"Jesus Christ was put on trial again last week in the United States Supreme Court."
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Yeah, it's true. Supreme Court Justice Pontius Pilate once again tried our Lord and Savior for claiming to be the Messiah. Oh wait, it was just a ruling about fringe dipshits trying to put stone idols in front of secular courthouses. (If they were REALLY Christ-centered wouldn't they want to put up copies of the Beattitudes instead? You know, perfecting the Law and all that?)

You Could Cut The Irony With A Tiananmen Square Tank "China issued a tit-for-tat report card Thursday on human rights in the United States that lambasted the Pentagon for "wanton slaughters" abroad, belittled American elections as awash in special-interest cash and accused U.S. courts of deep-seated racial bias. The Chinese government report, which portrayed the United States as gun-crazed and unfair to minorities, came three days after the State Department released its annual report on human rights abuses in countries around the world, including China. It marked the sixth straight year that China has countered the American report with one of its own, but this year's was particularly noteworthy because it condemned the United States for abuses by American soldiers at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq."

Finally, MC No Shame Will Get Laid...

Enemy Of "Fancy Big City Book-Learnin'" Nominated As Secretary of Education Or close enough to it. As you slwoly tread through this press-release filled CNN article, you may note between the paragraph long quotes from the White House that Bush has just nominated John Bolton as the ambassador to the UN, the same man who told a Federalist Society forum, "...there is no such thing as the United Nations" and "If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

-The Sikh Geek

Friday, March 04, 2005

Every Other Weekend I Have Trouble Breathing

That's What You Fucking Get For Giving A Cake To A Finger-Biting Monkey No really, that is what you do get. You know a news article is going to be GREAT when it begins, "A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic..." What a shitty way to lose your balls.

That's What You Fucking Get For Bringing A Curse Stone Into Town Who's brilliant idea was this in the first place? "A stone commissioned to mark the millennium may be destroyed after being blamed for bringing misfortunes of "biblical proportions" to a city. Since the Cursing Stone was placed in Carlisle, the city has suffered floods, foot-and-mouth disease, job losses and a goal famine for the football team. The 14-tonne granite artwork is carved with a 1,069-word 16th Century curse. Now city councillor Jim Tootle wants the stone destroyed and has tabled a motion to discuss it on 8 March."

That's What You Fucking Get For Being An Old Woman With A Heart Attack And Not A Deranged Child-Molesting Washed-Up Pop Star Who's Pretending To Be Sick To Get Out Of His Court Dates For His Child-Molesting Charges "A woman who had suffered a massive heart attack died after hospital personnel moved her out of a trauma room to accommodate a flu-stricken Michael Jackson, the patient's family said."

This One Goes Out To Consider Arms and HakujinJoe High school zinemakers and zombie fans the two of them. A high school junior in Kentucky was arrested for writing a short story about a high school overrun by zombies. The charges? "Making terrorist threats." (Hey, remember when a scared and traumatized United States passed through the Patriot Act on the open understanding that while we'd give up liberties, they would only be used to fight "terrorists"? Do you think short stories written by teenagers about fucking zombies was part of the understanding?) Extra points to the shit-for-brains judge for raising the kid's bond to $5,000 from $1,000 "citing the seriousness of the charge." And extra extra points to the kid's own grandparents who fucking sold their grandson down the river. If only that fucking school COULD get overrun by zombies... it just might get a little smarter.

-The Sikh Geek

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Hatred For The Past and Present

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ..." "House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said today there is no constitutional guarantee of separation of church and state as the Supreme Court prepared to take up a case challenging the display of the Ten Commandments on the Texas Capitol grounds." "I hope the Supreme Court will finally read the Constitution and see there's no such thing, or no mention, of separation of church and state in the Constitution." As the former governor of Connecticut John Rowland can attest to, bold grasps at religion are the desperate last moves of corrupt bastards.

A Word From Our Sponsor: Bad Idea Jeans Looking good Arizona! "The House of Representatives voted Tuesday to let people carry weapons - including guns, grenades, rockets, mines and sawed-off shotguns - into schools, polling places and nuclear plants if they claim they're only trying to protect themselves. The vote on the legislation came after Rep. Ben Miranda, D-Phoenix, pointed out it would bar prosecution of those who want to bring a weapon into the House or Senate. Despite that, lawmakers gave it preliminary approval on a 30-16 margin."

Pretty Vacant Indeed "The bass player and father of two, who co-wrote The Sex Pistols' biggest hits, Anarchy In The UK, God Save The Queen and Pretty Vacant, hates it when his children, now 11 and seven, hear obscenities on the radio or TV. "It's pathetic when people just swear for the sake of it," he said in a carefully pre-recorded interview to be broadcast this Sunday."



Well, I Guess It COULD Get Worse Buck up millions of American without health care! If you get sick, at least there will still be hospitals that will still exist to overcharge. No such luck for the residents of the most batshit country on the face of the earth, Turkmenistan. Their glorious leader has just shut down all of the hospitals save for one. Said President Niyazov, "Why do we need such hospitals?" He has also in the past ordered the construction of ice palaces in the middle of the desert, a giant revolving gold statue of himself and a national holiday to celebrate the muskmelon.

-The Sikh Geek
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: A Phony Reporter/Male Prostitute of Truth in a White House Press Corps of Lies.

If This Means No More Late Night Cinemax Porn, Then I Will Be Truly Radicalized Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) now says he wants laws applying decency standards for broadcast TV and radio to cable TV and satellite radio. "Cable is a much greater violator in the indecency area," Ted says. Now, I know what you're thinking: Congress doesn't have the power to regulate cable or satellite media, right? Apparently, that's in doubt. The "get government off our backs" Republicans are mulling a court challenge that would enable them to extend the same standards to cable and satellite that broadcasters have to abide by. But don't worry, because Ted assures us that "No one wants censorship." Well, I guess that takes care of my concerns.

You've Been Struck By a Smooth Criminal Here at the MLWL, we've held off from posting about the trial of Michael Jackson, but the "strong hints" coming from his lawyer that he's going to take the stand and testify on his own behalf have forced our hand. As annoying as celebrity show trials are, come on: that would be the most entertaining court testimony in years!

Journalism Ethics, Boston Globe-Style By the shores of Gitchee Gumee, by the shining big sea waters, strode the mighty Hiawatha and...his ethically-challenged blogging habits? That's Hiawatha Bray, thanks very much, technology reporter for the Boston Globe who apparently spent much of his free time in 2004 posting comments on web logs proclaiming his support for George Bush and trashing the "moronic" John Kerry. Ah, but who cares, right? I mean, he covered technology - indeed, he covered the ways in which technology affected the campaign, writing at least three major articles about Kerry and Bush while simultaneously proclaiming his love for Bush and hatred for Kerry. Newspaper reporters have been fired for less since the advent of blogging; such concerns are why people on this very blog use pseudonyms. Let's see if the Globe has the balls to fire Bray.

The Daily Mayhem: Iraq Edition Barwiz Mahmoud Marwani, one of 20 judges on the tribunal trying Saddam Hussein's case in Iraq, was assassinated outside his home in Baghdad on Tuesday. The judge and his son, a lawyer, were shot dead by gunmen as they left their home. Also on Tuesday, two separate car bomb attacks in the Iraqi capital killed 13 people. On Monday, a car bomb killed 125, the worst such attack since the fall of the regime two years ago.

Choking on the Rottenness of It All A federal panel of three judges has overturned a multi-million dollar verdict won by victims of torture in El Salvador. A previous federal jury had awarded more than $54 million to the three victims - a church worker, a doctor, and a professor - after they proved their case against former generals in the Salvadoran government who now live in the United States. The appellate court that overturned the ruling did not contest the claims of the victims - but said there were no "undue circumstances" preventing the victims from filing suit before the statute of limitations passed. Nice.

-Consider Arms