Thursday, March 17, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Happy St. Paddy's Day.

I've Saved Social Security! And I did it with fried Oreos: According to University of Illinois researchers, over the next 50 years, the average U.S. life expectancy (currently at 77 years) will drop by as much as five years, the first time in two centuries that life expectancy will decline in America. The reason? We're all too fat. On the bad side, this means an overall quality of life decline. On the bright side, it could have such significant impacts that the Social Security "crisis" currently being pimped by the Bush gang will solve itself, demographically speaking. So you see, every cloud does have a silver line. Eat up, fellow porkers - we're being fiscally responsible!

No Blood for Oil. Seriously Well, I guess the neocons were right: The Iraq War wasn't about getting that country's most lucrative natural resource. Yesterday, the price of a barrel of oil hit $57.24, nearly two dollars higher than the previous record, which was hit in October. Remember in 2003 when people went batshit because oil went over the $50 mark for the first time ever? Boy, I never thought I'd consider 2003 "the good old days."

Hey, Is That the Heroic Defender of Freedom Making Out With Stalin? No, it's just Australian billionaire Rupert Murdoch making nice with Communist Party officials; not American Communist Party officials, mind you, but the kind of Communist Party officials who actually kill people. This fawning report in the People's Daily, an organ of the Chinese Communist Party, details a recent visit Rupert had with party officials, who praised him for his "active efforts and strenuous work in advancing cooperation with China's news media." Rupert, for his part, vowed that he would "further strengthen cooperative ties with the Chinese media, and explore new areas with an even more positive attitude." I don't know about you, but I can't wait for Fox News' "even more positive attitude" regarding the persecution of religious groups and the murder of political dissidents.

Affirmative Action for the Stupid Bush can't stop promoting people who fail, can he? Airheaded Condoleeza Rice botches the national security intelligence leading up to the Iraq War; she's promoted to be Secretary of State. George "Slam Dunk" Tenet fucks up the pre-war intelligence; he's given a presidential medal of freedom. Johns Bolton and Negroponte both bungle their war assignments; Bolton is now the UN ambassador, and Negroponte is national intelligence director. The latest success in this parade of failure is Paul Wolfowitz, a man who uses his own spit to comb his hair. Wolfowitz is Bush's choice to head the World Bank; although Wolfowitz has no training as an economist, he did say that the occupation of Iraq would "pay for itself," which has turned out to be...insanely false. The only way the Europeans can save face on this is by making Michael Moore head of the IMF.

This Would Be a Great Way to Make 20 Grand In our 10-day hiatus from blogging, there's been a lot of important news: demonstrations in Lebanon, mounting evidence of corruption in Tom DeLay's office, the continuing unpopularity of Bush's Social Security program, the appointment of John Bolton to the UN. Instead of playing catch-up with any of that, though, we proudly present an offer for $20,000 in exchange for proof that ace reporter Jeff Gannon had sex with prominent Washington figures during his days as a male escort. Enjoy!

-Consider Arms