Every Other Weekend I Have Trouble Breathing

That's What You Fucking Get For Giving A Cake To A Finger-Biting Monkey No really, that is what you do get. You know a news article is going to be GREAT when it begins, "A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic..." What a shitty way to lose your balls.

That's What You Fucking Get For Bringing A Curse Stone Into Town Who's brilliant idea was this in the first place? "A stone commissioned to mark the millennium may be destroyed after being blamed for bringing misfortunes of "biblical proportions" to a city. Since the Cursing Stone was placed in Carlisle, the city has suffered floods, foot-and-mouth disease, job losses and a goal famine for the football team. The 14-tonne granite artwork is carved with a 1,069-word 16th Century curse. Now city councillor Jim Tootle wants the stone destroyed and has tabled a motion to discuss it on 8 March."

That's What You Fucking Get For Being An Old Woman With A Heart Attack And Not A Deranged Child-Molesting Washed-Up Pop Star Who's Pretending To Be Sick To Get Out Of His Court Dates For His Child-Molesting Charges "A woman who had suffered a massive heart attack died after hospital personnel moved her out of a trauma room to accommodate a flu-stricken Michael Jackson, the patient's family said."

This One Goes Out To Consider Arms and HakujinJoe High school zinemakers and zombie fans the two of them. A high school junior in Kentucky was arrested for writing a short story about a high school overrun by zombies. The charges? "Making terrorist threats." (Hey, remember when a scared and traumatized United States passed through the Patriot Act on the open understanding that while we'd give up liberties, they would only be used to fight "terrorists"? Do you think short stories written by teenagers about fucking zombies was part of the understanding?) Extra points to the shit-for-brains judge for raising the kid's bond to $5,000 from $1,000 "citing the seriousness of the charge." And extra extra points to the kid's own grandparents who fucking sold their grandson down the river. If only that fucking school COULD get overrun by zombies... it just might get a little smarter.

-The Sikh Geek