Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Condi Rice Is The New Barbara Bush

If You're Between The Ages of 18-34, And You're Having A Good Day, Don't Read This
In the NYC subway there are these great ads from the Freelancers Union that have these lines like, "You Went to College, You Work Full Time, You Can't Afford Health Insurance. Welcome to Middle Class Poverty." As if seeing those on my morning commute didn't provide enough depressing irony, now the Village Voice paints a perfect mise-en-scene of my economic life that is sure to drive me to pull a Spalding Gray.

Fake News Is The New Real News
A recent poll found that "21 percent of people aged 18 to 29 cited 'The Daily Show' and 'Saturday Night Live' as a place where they regularly learned presidential campaign news." This incisive piece from the NY Times (notice it's in the "Arts" section) discusses the increasingly blurred lines between news and entertainment programming that references, among others, the Bush administration's faux "news" reports on Medicare that actually aired on some stations.

--MC No Shame, still waiting for my trust fund to kick in
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Michael Jackson in Congress is a Dream Come True.

Mogadishu Redux Two convoys were attacked by guerrillas in the so-called Sunni Triangle today. Five American soldiers were killed in one attack, while in the other, the charred bodies of the victims - at least one woman and one American - were dragged through the streets of Fallujah by jubilant crowds and hung on a bridge over the Euphrates River. I sure hope this means we'll get to hear more in the campaign about important issues, like John Kerry's snowboarding.

The Universe Is Righting Itself Prince is back on tour, playing the hits: "Controversy," "DMSR," "You Got the Look," "Purple Rain," "When Doves Cry," even "Sign O' the Times" (but where's "Little Red Corvette"? You better play that, you little weirdo). When he comes to Boston on August 18, expect to see Consider Arms front and center. I won't even mind if he plays "Batdance."

Focus of Weapons Hunt to Shift to Whether Saddam Had a Moustache So it's come to this. The hunt for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq - weapons we were told existed in abundance - has now officially switched to a hunt for signs of "intent" - that is, we are now "hunting" for evidence that Saddam Hussein intended to develop such weapons. Watch as the new head weapons hunter gets all postmodern on us: "Ultimately what we want is a comprehensive picture, not just simply answering questions -- were there weapons, were there not weapons?" Charles Duelfer says. Ah, I see: Apparently, instead of going to war to disarm Saddam, we really went to war to disprove hegemonic notions of "right" or "wrong," exposing them for the arbitrary constructions they are. We are not engaged in a hunt for weapons, people, but in the fashioning of a narrative.

Brit Hume to Holocaust Survivors: Are You Still Going On About That? Okay, so the Fox News anchortwinkie hasn't yet insulted people who survived the Holocaust, but he has told the families of American soldiers killed in Iraq to "just get over it." You see, if there's one thing that makes Brit hopping mad, it's when people whine about their trivial, insignificant problems, like losing a loved one in a guerrilla war: "We have a society in which one of the greatest things you can do is a platform to see victim status, and one of the qualifications for that is that you have these exquisitely tender feelings about things and sensibilities which are easily offended." Yeah, that's what I hate about people who are widowed and orphaned by war . . . their fucking tender sensibilities. Thanks, Brit, for making it okay to be an asshole!

Happy Anniversary! March 31, 1990 was the day that the riots against the proposed poll tax in London led to the eventual toppling of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. 14 years later, Britain has another prime minister who promised national renewal but turned out to be just another stooge for American interests: this puppet leader, unlike Thatcher, has embroiled Britain in an unwinnable war. Is it too much to hope that the black flags might once again flutter over London?

-Consider Arms
Is It Juvenile For Me To Laugh At A Story On Oil Production Entitled "Bush's Gas Attack"?

Conspiracy Theorists Will Freak Out On This For Decades According to a speech by Philip Zelikow, now a director of the 9-11 commission, the invasion of Iraq was an attempt to eliminate the Iraqi threat to Israel. As he told a UVA crowd in September of 2002, "Why would Iraq attack America or use nuclear weapons against us? I'll tell you what I think the real threat (is) and actually has been since 1990 -- it's the threat against Israel. And this is the threat that dare not speak its name, because the Europeans don't care deeply about that threat, I will tell you frankly. And the American government doesn't want to lean too hard on it rhetorically, because it is not a popular sell."

Now I'm no financial planner, but I know that video poker certainly is not a valid "investment." A casino in New Mexico pulled a TV ad that promoted gambling as a financial solution to people low on cash or in debt. This is probably from the same ad agency that ran the "Morbidly Depressed? Try Drinking More!" ads...

Bush Is Collecting Campaign Funds At The Rate of $25,000 An Hour This and other political campaign contribution facts (Kerry STILL hasn't raised more $$$ than Dean?!) can be found over at In more troubling fundraising news, Rolling Stone has just done an article on Bush's fundraising efforts and its huge list of Rangers, Pioneers, Explorers, Mousekateers and Super Special Money-Hungry Fuckfaces.

For the Last Freaking Time People, THEY WILL TURN ON THEIR HUMAN MASTERS!

Appetite for Self-Humiliation Guns 'N Roses, the hard rock dinosaur from a time long, long ago is still be dragged along by lead singer/only remaining original member/Ahab Axl Rose. His bizarre attempts to reunite the band and tour have been an epic tragi-comedy of errors with the latest chapter being a cancellation of a Libson concert due to the departure of guitarist Buckethead, a man "who's never seen in public unmasked or without a KFC bucket over his head." Axl released a massive and clumsy press release about Buckethead's departure which quickly won the title of Worst Press Release of the Week by the blog Gawker (read the press release here). The good news? Axl has proclaimed that the departure of Buckethead will not cockblock the release of Chinese Democracy, the as-yet-unheard album that has seen dozens of lineup changes, delayed release dates and a budget of over $10 million. I'm sure it sucks.

Dumber Than PunkVoter, More Frightening than ConservativePunk is HeadCount, the Dead Head/jam band voter registration group that is looking for hippies at shows to stop staring at the tracers coming from their hands long enough to sign up to vote. Like they won't be too stoned to make it to the polls in November anyway... And speaking of retarded ways to get out the vote, meet Reggie the Voter Registration Rig, otherwise known as "a desperate way for the GOP to try to get the young vote and the NASCAR vote at the same time." Check out Reggie's massive celebrity guestbook! It is full with both Rusty Wallace AND Ed Gillespie!

-The Sikh Geek

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: What the Hell is Froogle?

White House Caves In After sustaining serious political damage for their bizarre refusal to allow National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice (she of the blissful ignorance about Al Qaida's existence until 2001) to testify before the 9/11 panel in public, the White House has caved in to the pressure and said, "Go ahead! Have her testify! We don't care!" This will give us all an opportunity to see, exactly, what they are so afraid of: Perhaps Condoleeza Rice will inadvertently say something like, "We are an administration of total fuckheads who used the largest terrorist attack in American history to justify an expansionist foreign policy that we had in place even before the election." Perhaps not.

This Looks Like a Case, Ironically, for the FBI Actually, Encyclopedia Brown could probably solve this: the declassified FBI files about their early 1970s investigation of John Kerry have been stolen from the historian who spent 11 years getting the damn things from the government. According to police, the burglars didn't break any glass, didn't take any of the expensive camera equipment near the files, and knew what they were looking for. Gosh. Who could possibly want to dig up dirt on the Democratic presidential nominee?

I Will Gladly Die to Protect the Kaliningrad Region from Aggression Hey, remember NATO? That's the organization that was founded by Western states after World War II ostensibly to defend European countries from Communism. Now that Europe is largely safe from the menace of Soviet aggression, you'd think that the rationale behind NATO would mandate the organization roll up the sidewalks and disband. Instead, this month 7 new countries will join the alliance, which means that, under the terms of the treaty, we are compelled to respond to an invasion of Slovenia in the same way we would respond to an invasion of Minnesota. Russia, predictably, is not amused.

Hitler: The Most Bored Man Ever Two Washington State teenagers charged with burning a cross on a black pastor's lawn say it wasn't an act of hate, merely a "prank" fueled by boredom. Although both teens apparently have a history of racial antagonism, their defense raises some fascinating historical possibilities. Maybe all those lynches mobs, Klansmen, and racist cops needed nothing more than some organized, community softball, and perhaps our country's troubled history of racial violence would have turned out much differently.

Damn the Private Economy to Hell! In this war on terrorism we've been told, and it seems logical to assume, that special forces personnel such as Green Berets and Navy SEALs will be much more important than before, since our enemy isn't a nation-state but a vast multinational conspiracy. There's one problem: top level special forces folks, who make about $50,000 a year in the military, are defecting to private security companies, who pay them between $100,000 and $200,000 annually. Yes, but do private security companies offer the opportunity to be shot to death?

-Consider Arms
As Karl Rove Quickly Installs A Fence...

Like Steven King, But Actually Frightening Since 1990, the number of "dead zones" in the world's oceans has doubled. Dead zones are large areas of ocean in which sewage, pollutants and fertilizer run-off have killed off oxygen-consuming algae, suffocating and killing off the fish in that area. There are almost 150 dead zones spread out over the entire planet, some with sizes of 27,000 square miles. Last week someone said n TV that mercury in tuna will be a major presidential campaign issue. I thought the comment was a joke until I read about the possibility of humanity killing the fucking ocean.

I Am Shocked Undercover police in Michigan were sent to monitor anti-war meetings and rallies last year when opposition to the Iraqi War was mounting. According to the AP, "the officers were assigned to the demonstrations because authorities had received information that activists planned illegal measures such as blocking downtown traffic." I wonder if they would have launched targeted assassinations if there were murmurs of jaywalking.

FactCheck Acts As Our Campaign Ad Bullshit Filter

India Tries to Recapture Some of That Rushdie-Fatwa Magic... Indian officials are seeking the arrest of an American scholar, claiming that he has smeared a 17th century warrior named Shivaji in his recent book. Prime Minister Atal Vajpayee is looking to extend the ban of the book "Shivaji: The Hindu king in Islamic India" to all of India saying at a campaign rally, "We not only condemn it, but also warn the foreign author not to play with our national pride." The author, James Laine, a professor of religious studies at Macalester College in Minnesota said, "It is obvious that the politicians who are behind this are doing it to make political capital." I think Professor Laine needs to include the possibility that BJP and other Hindu nationalists are just fucking nuts. They are also trying to ban a book written 60 years ago by Jawaharlal Nehru, the first fucking prime minister of India.

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-The Sikh Geek is shocked that Areva would use "Funkytown" for its ad

Monday, March 29, 2004

Pope John Paul, Enemy Of The Weekend

--MC No Shame
A Beefcake Of Vice Writing A Tell-All Book About A Dead Kennedy Of Virtue

And You STILL Felt The Need To Gouge Oil Prices? Damn...
Halliburton's spent $1.2 million in lobbying costs during the last two years of the Clinton administration. But in the first two years of the Bush administration that figure dropped to $600,000. Also, under the Clinton administration Halliburton's federal contracts never exceeded $1 billion. But under the Bush administration Halliburton has increased the value of it's contracts to $8 billion. I'm positive this is purely coincidental.

I Would Have Flashed The "Bloods" Sign
Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, who along with ex-Tyco CFO Mark Swartz is accused of looting the company piggy bank to the tune of $600 million, might actually get a mistrial in what should be a no-brainer case. After jurors reported a "poisonous" deliberation room atmosphere to the judge, things got even wackier when Juror #4 (go read the NY Post if you want her name) flashed the "OK" sign towards Koz and the gang on Friday. What the fuck does that mean!? "I got your note about the new Corvette. Sounds like a deal to me"?? Why didn't Martha think of this? All I know is that greedy bastard should get nailed for spending $2 million on the lamest party I've ever seen.

You Gotta Admit It Does Have A Nice, Old Testament Ring To It

--MC No Shame
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Hey! Democrats Can't Read the Bible!

Democracy vs. Democracy I love this Ayatollah Al-Sistani guy. He's sparked a grassroots resistance movement in Iraq to the bullshit constitution imposed by the American occupation authorities: newspapers, pamphlets, sermons, university lectures, but so far no demonstrations. Or violence. Now that's democracy in action: A huge group of people peacefully protesting an unjust imposition by an alien government.

Seeing "Mean Girls" Made Me Admit to Shooting Kennedy For the second time, "The Passion of the Christ" has inspired someone to come forward and confess to a crime: This time it's a Norwegian who admitted to firebombing anarchist squats in the 1990s.

We Must Halt Canadian Aggression Before It's Too Late Canada is planning to annex a small Caribbean archipelago, the Turks and Caicos. Although Canada's Conservative Party, which is behind the scheme, says the government of the islands is in favor of the move, you have to wonder if this is similar to Richard Perle's claim that the Iraqis would greet us with open arms. Could this be Canada's Vietnam? No.

Yo! MTV Supports the Junta In what can only be described as a "desperate gambit," the GOP has been trying to win over younger voters by driving a gigantic bus around the country that offers X Box consoles and Britney Spears songs. This campaign reached a surreal zenith late last week when Republican national Chairman Ed Gillespie appeared on Total Request Live as the guest of hardnosed interviewer and fan of cumbersome headwear Sway. Ed nailed home exactly how lame the Republicans are by declining to say whether he favored Clay Aiken or Usher, and Sway obliterated whatever street cred he had left by hailing his guest as "a nice guy" and "smart."

Age of Pericles Postponed by Fighting I saw Laura Bush at a GOP fund-raiser last week (don't ask), and she talked about how the liberated people of Afghanistan have fashioned a working democracy "since my husband had the courage to act." Well, it turns out that may a bit premature, as puppet leader Hamid "Diem2K" Karzai has announced that elections will be postponed until the fall because of, you know, the civil war. Don't worry, though, because Hamid sees a silver lining to this particular cloud: "Putting off the vote until September also means Afghanistan can run both the presidential and the parliamentary elections simultaneously, Karzai said." That should make the fraud so much more manageable, don't you think?

-Consider Arms
Condi Rice Looked Like A Nervous Child

Throwing Stones in the Glass House The Bush team went into a tizzy Sunday after John Kerry used a quote from the Bible in a political speech and asked "where are the works of compassion (in America today)?" Bush campaign spokesman Steve Schmidt said Kerry's comment "was beyond the bounds of acceptable discourse and a sad exploitation of Scripture for a political attack." Not unlike saying Jesus is your most admired political figure in a national debate. Not like making coded references to Baptist hymns in speeches to give a cutsie wink to the religious right. Not like claiming your foreign policy is the will of God.

Shut Up and Enjoy Your Democracy
Several thousand Iraqis protested after US forces shut down the newspaper Al Hawsa, claiming the paper was inciting violence against US troops. Geez, if we had to shut down every paper that wrongly influenced Americans into war, I think we'd

Stop Making Illegal Weapons So We Can Legally Sell You Weapons It seems that soon after Libya was allowed back to the diplomatic kid's table, Britain was making plans to sell the country arms. You would think after the mess with Saddam we wouldn't be so giddy to sell lots of missles and jets to a known sponsor of terrorism.

Are You On Friendster?
Meet Up With Other MLWL Dudes & Dudettes!
First Name= Monster Limo, Last Name= Weblog.

-The Sikh Geek

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Probably Because You Can't Perjure Yourself on 60 Minutes...

We Have Devolved Into A Nation of Children... An American Airlines flight was cancelled in Florida on Friday due to a self-described psychic who called the TSA and said that a bomb might be on the plane. Are "bad vibes" also a legitimate criteria for grounding a plane?

Senators Yield to Their Ponytailed Hollywood Masters A draft bill, hoped to be proposed by Lamar Smith, is being circulated among House members would make it much easier for the Justice Department to prosecute file sharers by lowering the burden of proof and would also seek fines and prison terms of up to ten years for file sharers. In addition, Sen. Orin Hatch (you might remember him as the man who wanted to "blow up" file sharers' computers remotely) and Sen. Patrick Leahy have introduced the PIRATE Act that would allow the Justice Department to pursue civil prosecutions against 14 year-old boys using KaZaa. Leahy has received $178,000 in contributions from the entertainment industry, Hatch has received over $150,000 and Smith has received almost $25,000 from them this year alone.

Nope, Veritas Omnia Vincit As the trial of the second Oklahoma City bombing suspect begins, many are hoping that facts will be unearthered to answer many lingering questions about the domestic act of terrorism that claimed over 160 lives, including the involvement of a white-supremacist bank-robbery gang and possibly some Iraqis. As this article from The Independent points out, there is also reason to believe that there might have been an al-Qaida link to the Oklahoma bombing. Richard Clarke's new book is raising the possibility (among lots of others interesting points raised) that Terry Nichols might have received explosives training from Ramzi Yousef, the mastermind behind the first World Trade Center bombing in 1993, during his many trips to the Philippines during the years leading up to the bombing.

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Rights Anyway In an earthshattering court decision, police officers in Louisiana no longer need a search warrant or arrest warrant to conduct a brief search of your home or business. A spokesman for the New Orleans Police Department said that the new power won't be abused, which is reassuring coming from a police department that was so corrupt that about a third of the entire force was fired at the same time. Two dissenting judges in the case called the ruling "the road to Hell."

Damnit People, They Will Turn on Their Human Masters!

-The Sikh Geek

Saturday, March 27, 2004

The Cincinnati Reds Have a Plan as Well
Ok, so i know i wasn't asked to post here for my astute baseball analysis, but Spring Training is one of my favorite times of year and i spend more time checking out baseball news than political stuff at this time. Call me apathetic. The Red Sox may have Jesus, but my Cincinnati Reds have a plan as well. Check out this headline.

-Lil' Antonin

Friday, March 26, 2004

The Red Sox Try a New Tactic
We all love to watch the Red Sox and the Cubs lose year after year. This past season was especially sweet with the way both teams were knocked out of the playoffs. The Red Sox have tried to pull Babe Ruth's piano out of the river to lift the "Curse," and the Cubbies just blew up that ball that the fan grabbed to become the most hated man in Chicago. But the Sox have a new plan. Jesus now plays centerfield for them. Hope that works out. My guess though, is that not even Jesus can overcome the "Curse."

-Lil' Antonin
NYPD To Rappers: We Got Your Back
Monster Limo follow-up report, HOOOOOOOOO! Loyal readers may remember my post about the Miami police department receiving training from the NYPD on intelligence gathering tactics directed towards rappers. A retired NYPD detective now admits that not only does a "Hiphop Task Force" exist in the NYPD, he started it. Derrick Parker says that the squad wasn't created to harass rappers but to keep tabs on them and their crews to prevent crimes from being committed against them. Everyone who buys that please send me $5.

--MC No Shame
That Tyco Trial Juror Is Trippin'

Screw The Mother, Save That Blob Of Cells!
LL Cool MLWL, and that's why I'm posting this: Wondering what that sound is? It's the Religious Right popping corks over their latest victory in the fight to roll back Roe vs. Wade like the price of BVD's at Wal-Mart. A 61-38 vote in the Senate for the Unborn Victims of Violence Act (who names these things? Former NY Post headline writers?) means that the act will head to the White House next for 'president' Bush's signature. The act makes it a separate crime to harm a fetus during commission of a violent federal crime. Supporters, like Bill Frist and legislative director of the National Right to Life Committee Douglas Johnson, claim it has nothing to do with abortion, but the act could set a precedent for future legal attacks against Roe vs. Wade with it's classification of the fetus as a separate entity from the mother. Speaking of the mother, are you wondering where she fits in here? Well Sen. Patty Murray (D-Wash.) added language to the act that "would require employers to give unpaid leave, and states to pay unemployment benefits, to women when they or family members are victims of domestic or sexual violence." Guess what happened to that amendment? Bingo! It was defeated. The Christian Coalition of America announced that votes for the Murray amendment would count as a "negative vote" on their annual congressional scorecard of lawmakers. So let's review: harm to fetus = federal crime. Domestic or sexual violence against the mother = whatever. So the next time you decide to smack around your pregnant wife remember to aim for the head, not the belly, and you'll be all set. Once again the phrase "right to life" proves itself to be ironic than the phrase "McDonald's new healthy menu."

Speaking Of Knocking Around Your Wife...
Bobby "Don't Be Cruel" Brown was released from a jail in DeKalb County, Ga only to be jailed in Dedham, MA on charges of failing to pay $63,500 in child support to a Stoughton woman. Brown called the matter a "misunderstanding" saying that he thought he already paid it. Funny, that's what I tell the Dept. of Education about my student loans every month and they don't buy it either. I feel ya Bobby!

News Flash: People Still Die In Wars
Bush should be forced to make this his home page.

--MC No Shame
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Getting Slapped by Richard Simmons is the New Getting Slapped by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Two If By Sea I realize that I'm setting myself to look like a total ass (so what else is new?), but have you noticed that the "gates of Hell"-style reprisal for the killing of Hamas founder Ahmed Yassin has been pretty pathetic so far? I mean, the Palestinians have lobbed some useless mortar rounds at Israel, tried and failed to induce a teenager to become a body bomb, and now have launched an abortive "sea attack." In a move oddly reminiscent of something Cobra would do, "Armed Palestinians in wetsuits and flippers emerged from the Mediterranean and fired toward a beachfront Israeli settlement in the Gaza Strip." Hamas, which claimed responsibility for dispatching the frogmen, promise it is just a taste of "earthshaking operations to come": Watch out, Israel, they've acquired an Acme Products catalogue and are ordering a giant catapult!

I'm Sure We Can Get Answers from the New, Murderous, Voodoo Government 15 Caribbean nations are demanding that the U.S. explain itself in light of former Haitian leader Jean Aristide's charges that he was forced from power by American manipulation. While I share the nations' desire to get to the bottom of this sordid episode, I also suspect that a forthright U.S. response is about as likely as Beyonce answering one of my many letters. In other words: A just universe demands that it should happen, but it probably won't.

Gasp! (Thud) (Faints from Surprise) I hope you don't have a heart condition, because here's a potentially lethal shocker: "With fewer than 100 days to go before Iraq resumes its sovereignty, American officials say they believe they have found a legal basis for American troops to continue their military control over the security situation in Iraq." Would that "legal basis" be something along the lines of "we have a big fucking army in the country, and what are you going to do about it"? The real surprise here is that people are still maintaining the transparent fiction that Iraq will "resume its sovereignty" in July. If by "resume its sovereignty" you mean "continue to take orders from Paul Bremer as if nothing has changed," you're dead on, Pedro.

That's So Funny I Forgot to Stop Bleeding to Death Here at the MLWL, we have always hated those stupid dinner events for the Washington press corps and politicians where everyone gets together, yuks it up, and gets the message across that, despite appearances of partisan rancor, We're All in the Same Boat (they are: They're rich, you're poor, they know it, you don't seem to). It's my opinion that if one of these things was suddenly vaporized along with everyone in it, the net effect on our public discourse would be an immeasurable improvement. Not David Corn, though; the liberal author of "Bush Lies" was at a recent dinner where the current occupant of the White House spoke, and Corn wants us to know that, as a rich dude in the national press corps, he normally loves these things. Not this time, though. You see, at this dinner, George W. Bush showed a side-splittingly hilarious slide show of him "searching" for weapons of mass destruction in the White House. Ha! Ha! Thousands of people are dead, and now it's a funny joke for the insider class! Unlike others at the dinner, Corn was so outraged it nearly spoiled his entree: "Disapproval must have registered upon my face, for one of my tablemates said, 'Come on, David, this is funny.' I wanted to reply, Over 500 Americans and literally countless Iraqis are dead because of a war that was supposedly fought to find weapons of mass destruction, and Bush is joking about it. Instead, I took a long drink of the lovely white wine that had come with our dinner." You see that? He was so mad he took a long drink of lovely white wine; everyone knows you're supposed to sip it! If Corn was really thinking about this, he would realize that all these dinners are obscene in precisely the same way: they turn real politics into in-jokes for the in-crowd, while for those of us who won't ever be on the guest list the issues at hand are never funny.

This Week's "Thank God It's Friday" Special From the folks at Defective Yeti, here's a handy, labor-saving diagram that absolves you of the need to pay attention to the 9/11 hearings from here on out:

An Effeminate Fitness Guru of Truth Bitch-Slapping A Cage Wrestler of Falsehood

Your Choice This November: Bush or Osama What do you do if you're George Bush and you're trying to get re-elected? Can't run on the economy or the Iraqi War. Victims' families will get all uptight if you use dead bodies from 9-11 in your ads. The looming threat of gay marriage won't tear the country apart like you hoped. The only choice is to pull the ultimate Jedi mind trick and deny that you're running against John Kerry, and instead run in an election you can win: George Bush vs. Osama! If the election in Spain (where a president who acting against the wishes of 90% of the populace was voted out) could be smeared as terror-appeasement, the same will be done here. FBI Director Robert Mueller said Thursday that, "In the wake of what happened in Madrid we have to be concerned about the possibility of terrorists attempting to influence elections in the United States by committing a terrorist act." Basically, if terrorists attack anywhere, anytime near the election, a vote for Kerry will be a vote against America and for Osama bin Laden.

And You Thought the Awesome Blossom Was a Dietary Disaster... It's just sad that Elvis isn't around to enjoy this.

And Soon the Mama Cass Re-issue "Choke to Death on a Ham Sandwich You Big Fat Bastard"... An Italian record company is backpeddling after trying to release a Great White album of cover songs with the title "Burning House of Love" almost a year after 100 Great White fans died in a nightclub fire in Rhode Island.

Making Bill O'Reilly Look Like He Has His Finger on the Pulse of Young America Right on the heels of Bill O'Reilly congratulating himself for cock-blocking Ludacris' deal with Budweiser, our favorite right-wing wackos at WorldNetDaily are claiming that recent Democratic Party fundraisers Outkast is a "gun-toting rapper." Dude, there are like TWO rappers in that band... I guess the GOP will forever be depressed and confused as they wonder across the world of hip-hop without their old pal Eazy-E.

Sign of the Times Photos of confiscated items from the Sacramento airport. It's weird that a box overflowing with nail clippers can capture my political anxiety for the past two and a half years so well.

-The Sikh Geek

Thursday, March 25, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Saw Laura Bush Yesterday.

"I Failed You" How come Reagan appointee Richard Clarke is the only government official to say that so far? How come George Tenet still has his job? How come nobody before yesterday stepped forward and said of 9/11, "your government failed you"? Just wondering.

Calling all Thetans! A fascinating court case is going on in Los Angeles right now that could once and for all end the tax-exempt status for the phoney-baloney "religion" of Scientology. At issue is the fact that, under the terms of a secret 1993 agreement with the IRS, the Scientologists are allowed to get tax deductions for their "auditing" (you know, the process that allows them to ascend to..."the level above human"). Currently, Scientologists are the only "religious group" allowed to deduct the cost of religious education from their taxes. A Jewish couple is suing to have the cost of their kids' yeshiva studies deducted from their taxes, claiming that the L. Ron Hubbard cult is getting unconstitutional preferential treatment. This should be a hoot.

Chronology: Foe of Tyranny One of the interesting revelations to come out of the 9/11 panel's public hearings has been this one: the Bush administration approved a plan to overthrow the Taliban on September 10, 2001. Hey, but I thought we only went to Afghanistan because of the attacks on September 11? Surely this won't add more evidence to the argument that the US planned to topple the Taliban to make Unocal's gas pipeline in Central Asia a reality?

Lousy Mooching Wounded Veterans After allegedly being settled, Donald Rumsfeld's Department of Defense is once again charging wounded soldiers for the meals they eat while recuperating in the hospital. The Pentagon says this is because it's too hard to distinguish between wounded soldiers in the hospital and regular sick soldiers in the hospital. Personally, I would feel a lot more confident about our chances of vanquishing evil if we could get our hospital meal billing system worked out.

Santo Cielo! Here's a bizarre story for you: A group of British soldiers training in a vast underground cave complex in Mexico has become trapped by rising waters, but are refusing help from the Mexican government, preferring to wait until the British government sends somebody to help. The wrinkle: Mexico has no idea why there are British soldiers training within its borders. Mexico does not permit foreign military exercises on its soil, and had no knowledge that the British were there. The British response? The soldiers' mission was "purely scientific." Oh, OK then.

-Consider Arms
A Sarcastic Critic of Truth Unwittingly Flipping the Bird of Sarcasm to a National Audience of Falsehood

Kerry Smear Watch John Kerry went to mass in a ski suit! John Kerry plotted the assassination of several US Senators! Kerry voted over 350 times to raise taxes! John Kerry hates puppy dogs and Christmas!

Up Yours Christopher Hitchens If 90% of the Spanish population was against going to war in Iraq and the government went ahead anyways, what would you call Aznar getting voted out of office? Logical democratic action, or an entire European nation siding with Osama bin Laden and evil?

The FCC IS Being Run By My Old High School's Vice Principal The latest moral scandal to rock our nation after Boobgate! Did Simon from American Idol scratch his forehead, or was he giving the bird?! Don't worry an already fragile America, journalistic superhero Matt Drudge is already on the case.

Back in college I took a class called "Political Propaganda and the Cinema." As part of the class we had to watch a documentary entitled "Australia is Like This," a cultural primer for US GIs heading out to the land down under during WWII. It was like a 40 minute black & white Foster's commercial, and so skewed my view of the former continent-sized prison colony, that I assume that this is normal in Australia.

-The Sikh Geek

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Where are you when we need you Bill Cooper?

Diebold? No, you DIE-NOW! What a kwinky-dink! Athan Gibbs, a vocal opponent of Diebold voting systems and the inventor of the TruVote voting system (with verifiable paper receipts) mysteriously died almost two weeks ago when an 18-wheeler collided with his Chevy Blazer and rolled it several times before pushing it over the highway retaining wall.

Holy Living Fuck! Could Rick Santorum Be Right?! I laughed when he said that legalizing gay marriage would open the doors to legal incest and beastiality, but the state of Massachusetts' Supreme Judicial Court ruled yesterday that a state law against incest doesn't apply to step-parents and that it was up to the Legislature to change it. The case involved a 60-year old Dorchester man accused of having sex with his 15-year old stepdaughter. I feel sick. Thanks Massachusetts for putting me on the same side of offended with fucking Pat Robertson.

It's Back On Philly Peeps! Get Ready To Launch Your Drinks at Reality TV Fuckers. After a deal brokered by the mayor of Philadelphia and the Governor of Pennsylvania, MTV was convinced to bring The Real World back to the city of brotherly love. Speaking of bastards in Philly, Urban Outfitters is in trouble again, this time for stocking a "dress up Jesus" item in it's overpriced McHipster stores. The magnetic messiah can be dressed up in a hula skirt or a devil costume, and the sign above the cross can be changed to read "Hang in There!" or "TGIF." I'm now convinced that half the stock carried there is just a ploy by the UO PR department to get free publicity.

I Don't Feel Tardy A five-year old (in what state? Florida!) brings a bag of pot into school and sprinkles it on a classmate's lasagne. He immediately gets played out when a 4-year old from Indianapolis gets busted for bringing in $10,000 worth of crack into his preschool.

Check Out The MLWL Photo Gallery!

-The Sikh Geek, The Most High and Sovereign Grand Cosmic Overlord of the Way Way Back Machine

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Special, "Too Black, Too Strong" Edition

How Soon We Forget
Back before punk was Good Charlotte and emo was anything that wasn't rap, Born Against once sang, "See the white wreckage the ones who couldn't afford to leave, the white pride working poor who are really live and work with the ones we all hate, who can remember when their neighborhood looked brighter but somehow forget that Italians used to be niggers and the Irish were the spics." The point, never lost on MCNS, is that when traditionally discriminated and marginalized ethnic groups finally gain a degree of economic, political, and cultural legitimacy, they suddenly and completely forget what it was like to be on the bottom. Case in point: in Atlanta over two dozen black pastors voiced their opposition to gay marriage, making a point to refute the often implied parallels between the Gay Rights and Civil Rights movements. African-American studies professor Rev. Clarence James said, "When the homosexual compares himself to the black community, he doesn't know what suffering is." The 29 pastors also signed a declaration, to be given to state law makers who are currently considering a Constitutional ban, stating that "same-sex marriage is not a civil right, and marriage between a man and a woman is important because it's necessary for the upbringing of children." The statement goes on to say, "To equate a lifestyle choice to racism demeans the work of the entire civil rights movement." If I could step into the Way, Way Back Machine for a second here I do believe that the civil rights movement was sparked by a minority group who actively protested the stereotypes, institutionalized bias, fear, and hatred of American society at-large, often enduring beatings, rape, humiliating slurs, and death as a result. Now tell me again how that's any different from the Gay Rights movement. Oh, my bad. This is their CHOICE. Right...

Who Shot Ya?
Seven years after the fact the FBI is finally pursuing former LAPD Det. Russell Poole's (the detective originally assigned to the case) theories into the Notorious B.I.G.'s murder. Poole, who resigned from the force after disputes with LAPD superiors over their handling of the case, believes that history's greatest monster, former Death Row records head Marion "Suge" Knight, orchestrated the killing as a cover-up for his murder of Tupac. According to Poole, Knight wacked Tupac for threatening to leave the label and take his back catalog with him. He then had Biggie offed in an attempt to make the killings look like the result of East coast-West coast rap rivalries (remember that shit?). Guess somebody over at the FBI finally rented that Nick Broomfield documentary.

No Comment Necessary

-- MC No Shame
god's an astronaut, oz is over the rainbow, and midian is where the monsters live

street by street! block by block!!!so smoking, beyond making you stink like hell and turning you're teeth and unattractive shade of yellow, is unhealthy in an all new way now. No, i'm not talking about the old news of smoking gives you lung cancer or something like that, I'm talking about how smoking makes your brain rot. Apparently a smoker loses his mental facilities at a 5 times faster rate than that of a non-smoker in their elderly years. That's why all those old people at Dunkin Donuts in the morning are all creepy isn't it?

Brazillians: fiesty and clever!! at a recent war protest in Brazil, protesters released the greatest tool ever in the war against the war on terror: The "deception dollar". Basically it's a one dollar bill modeled item with bush on it and it refers to 9-11. Check out the pictures!!

Election Fraud and a long, drawn out recount? hmmm, sounds familiar. So it seems, Taiwan is having some troubles. The president is shot and then wins the election by a mere 30,000 votes which the opposition party claims is based on vote fraud. Over 300,000 votes were declared invalid in the election so who really knows. The opposition calls for a recount but it appears they will stall this one out until it goes away. Hmmm, apparently someone is taking cues from America on elections now. Now all Taiwan needs to do is illegally invade some country for no reason, YAY!!!!!

Me too dudes, me too. Here is a story from the UK that tells of a family leaving the country after their son died in the war against Iraq. Now this is a line of thinking i can understand. Look for me in my next appearance in Japan right after the impending 2nd Reign of Bush II.

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Lord, Do They Love That Sheikh.

Our Long National Nightmare: A Fond Look Back A researcher has discovered that J. Edgar Hoover's FBI kept a dossier on John Kerry during his anti-war days (the researcher discovered this after eleven years of waiting for his FOI request to be processed). Perhaps the ultimate compliment for a Democratic politician: H.R. Haldeman said he acted like a Kennedy, and Dick Nixon himself called Kerry a "phoney."

Ariel Sharon, Wearing the Bad Idea Jeans Apparently, your faithful servant at the MLWL isn't the only one who thinks assassinating Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin was a bad idea. Israel's intelligence chief, Avi Dichter, also argued against the assassination, saying the costs outweighed the benefits. Sharon went ahead with it anyway: After all, I can't think of any recent examples where the leader of a country has ignored the advice of his intelligence services and made a decision that backfired horribly, can you?

Welcome Home. Don't Call Us 23 active duty personnel in Iraq have committed suicide over the last year, and six soldiers have killed themselves after coming home. The latest was a Green Beret in Colorado, who blew his brains out in front of police officers called to his home during an argument with his wife. The army is supposed to provide seven hours of counseling for every soldier returning from combat, but veterans' groups say even this minimal level of care is being neglected.

The Coalition of the Willing to Vote These Jerks Out of Office First it was Aznar's turn; will it be Koizumi's next? Public opinion in Japan is still split down the middle over the deployment of 350 troops to Iraq, and Koizumi's popularity continues to hover and around 49 percent. However, Koizumi has a lot staked on the war: his spokesman, sounding more confident than anyone in the Bush administration these days, says there's a "strong possibility" we'll still find Saddam's nukes, ocean-liners of anthrax, etc.: "It is impossible that there are none," he says. We should all pay close attention to the upper house elections in July: If Koizumi's party gets punished there, it's a good sign that yet another Bush ally is headed for the scrapheap.

Presenting Our "Day Late, Dollar Short" Special Houston Chronicle reporter Harvey Rice offers a mea culpa that I think is shared by most of the national press corps who covered Iraq and who aren't named Judith Miller: "I was a witness to, and in a sense a participant in, the most concerted, successful attempt by our government to control war coverage in our history." Yes, Harvey. "In a sense" you were a participant - in the same sense that the getaway driver is a participant in a bank robbery. Rice nonetheless paints this pictures of the yahoo who stage-managed this operation for the Right: "The entire anti-information campaign was run by a Texan named Jim Wilkinson, a Republican political operative who once worked for former U.S. Rep. Dick Armey. Wilkinson, now communications deputy for National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, was one of a score of Republican operatives who descended on Florida during the balloting recount in the 2000 presidential campaign. Wilkinson also helped sell the impression that Al Gore claimed to have 'invented the Internet.' Despite his penchant for desert camouflage uniforms and military jargon, Wilkinson, a civilian, was essentially a political commissar who controlled information about the war as if he were running an election campaign." Why is the first mention of all this hitting the papers one year after the war started?

-Consider Arms
And in a few million years it would start up again, probably with the bees...

And If This Upsets Your View Of USA Today As A Worthy Newsource, Then You REALLY Have Problems. USA Today is the latest newspaper to fall in with the latest journalistic trend: making shit up. McNews' Jack Kelly was recently discovered to have made at least eight (according to USA Today's own count) stories up. Kelly, who was recently listed as faculty for the World Journalism Institute, which trains Christians to be journalists, has been quoted as saying, "I feel God's pleasure when I write and report. It isn't because of the glory, but because God has called me to proclaim truth, and to worship him and serve through other people." Apparantly God called on Kelly to make up a Pakistani youth who held up a photo of the Sears Tower and sneered "This one is mine," and a Jewish settler who declared war on the "sons of Arab whores" before firing into a Palestinian taxi cab. I'm sure he'll inhabit the same ring of the inferno with the PR firm who made up the Kuwati infant incubator story. With the state of the media as it is, it might not be entirely ridiculous to suggest that the average person would be more informed by not watching or reading any news.

Low-Carb Diets: A Threat To The Unborn And Stupid The director of the Motherisk program at a Toronto hospital has warned that the trend of low-carb diets like Atkins and South Beach could lead to a surge in devestating birth defects and childhood cancers. Bread, pasta, cereal and orange juice, history's greatest monster in low-carb world, are essential sources of folic acid, a micronutrient key to fetal neurological development. My God, while in an ocean of convenience, plenty and opulance and we are having a resurgance of third-world and 18th century deficiancies because people are too lazy to eat less or exercise more. Since when did orange juice become unhealthy?

Is This Why All Those Palestinians Are So Uptight? An article from the UK Guardian details the forced eviction of a Palestinian family at the hands of armed Jewish settlers. If I may quote my Israeli-expatriate friend Yuval, "They're all fucking crazy there."

-The Sikh Geek

Monday, March 22, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Some Things Are Too Scary to Even Think About.

War Is Over, If You Want It...Obviously, Though, You Don't After years of effort, Israel has succeeded in killing Ahmed Yassin, the founder of Hamas. This has, predictably, brought threats of unprecedented reprisal against Israel from Hamas. Interesting historical factoid: In the 1970s, Israel actually diverted funds to the Muslim Brotherhood splinter group that became Hamas in the naive belief that if Palestinian Muslims could focus on religion instead of the secular nationalism of Yasser Arafat, terrorism against the Israeli state would eventually cease. How'd that work out, by the way?

Hugo - Send Some More Books! Hurry! Richard Clarke, George W. Bush's former counterterrorism chief, is scathingly critical of the administration's handling of the war in a new book that will be released today. How critical? According to Clarke, when Condi Rice was briefed about the threat from Al Qaida in early 2001, she apparently had never heard of the group. Shit. The national terror color chart should be raised to orange just on the basis of that.

That's No Way to Conduct a Witch Hunt, General Remember James Yee, the Muslim army chaplain at the Guantanamo prison camp who was charged with being part of a sinister jihadi espionage network? Oh, how the Right wing bayed for the blood of Yee, saying this proved that Muslim sympathies trumped national ones, and that no one in America was save from Islamic perfidy! Well, guess what: the Army has dropped all charges against Yee except for the charge of adultery. Yes, "adultery." If convicted, Yee will still be able to return to his post in Washington State. Nice one, dudes.

Just Like the Federalist Papers Those heroes of constitutional government, the Loya Jirga (that means "Congress"!) of Afghanistan, seems to be going through one of those inevitable "bumpy" periods that accompany the birth of a new democracy. Specifically, they are massacring each other: the latest to die was the "second aviation minister" (thank God the first aviation minister is unharmed!), who was killed by an associate of the defense minister. That assassination touched off a firefight that has so far killed more than 100 people in the city of Herat. Now, before you go imposing your Western standards of legality and not shooting people on this country, think how much cooler American history would be if Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were constantly trying to assassinate each other.

Good News in Malaysia You don't see that headline every day, do you? But it's true: the voters of Malaysia have swept the radical Muslim governing party out of power in favor of a socially and economically liberal party. This calms fears that Malaysia was starting to go the way of other Muslim countries in embracing political radicalism. All together now: Long live Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi!

-Consider Arms
Utah Is The Florida Of The West.

Clear Channel Gives Yet Another Reason To Hate Them An Anaheim-based radio station is in a bit of trouble with SoCal's Muslim community after talk station KFI-AM's March 10th skit mocking the new Iraqi constitution. The skit had a mock-Muslim read from a spoof of the Iraqi constitution with a heavy accent saying that it would ban such western teaching as "bathing on a regular basis" and would allow Iraqis consentual relationships with "loving camels and goats." Hey KFI-AM, mock it like a middle schooler as much as you want, I'm still waiting for my government to classify health care as a right.

I Don't Know What It Means, But It's Still A Little Freaky... Yes, exactly 911 days did pass between the attacks on September 11th and the bombings in Madrid.

This Is A Shout-Out To All My Moronic Friends Who Support Racial Profiling Because "We Know Who To Look Out For..." An excellent piece from The UK's Guardian about a story we posted earlier; two white dudes (well, one dude and one dudette) from Texas were found to have a gigantic arsenal of guns and chemical weapons. The perpetrator of the anthrax attacks two years ago is thought to be an American, not a Muslim or an Arab. Where the FBI and other agencies were caught sleeping when they ignored the threat of international Muslim terrorists before 9-11, it looks like they might now be caught napping on the domestic threat posed by militia group and white supremacists. For more, read today's story on the fantastic blog for the Memory Hole.

Fuck The Richard Clark Interview, THIS Was The Big Security Failure Those of us at the MLWL have been watching in stunned disbelief (well, very jaded and sarcastic belief) as the Right throws all kinds of political mud at John Kerry: doctored photos of him with Hanoi Jane and Anton LaVey, 36 pt headlines on the Drudge report about Kerry saying "son of a bitch", the fabricated intern scandal and the endless Botox speculation. This article from WorldNetDaily has to take the cake. It accuses Kerry of fumbling a pre-September 11th security tip that weakened Logan airport and allowed the hijackers to get through and cause the worst terrorist attack in US history and cause Osama Bin Laden to become buddies with Kerry and causing a vote for the later to be the same as a vote for the former.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About A Dirty Bomb, But Were Too Close To An Information-Overload, News Fueled Nervous Collapse To Ask For

-The Sikh Geek

Friday, March 19, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The President's Brain is Missing.

Chill: The President of Taiwan is OK The President of Taiwan was shot while campaigning on the eve of an election, but is apparently a tough bastard: Despite a gut shot, he left the hospital the same day. This week, China has been unusually vocal in their threats against Taiwanese moves toward independence and, coincidence of coincidences!, the president is the island's leading advocate of unilateral independence from Chian. My goodness, who could have done such a thing?

Made With Pride in a Brutal Narco-Dictatorship What cruel irony: The Bush campaign is selling Bush/Cheney merchandise that is made in Burma, a country that Bush slapped sanctions on last year to punish them for their many, many human rights violations. Upon doing so last year, he said, "The United States will not waver from its commitment to the cause of democracy and human rights in Burma." Apparently, there was a mixup: His speech should have read, "...its commitment to inexpensive, high-quality active-wear."

Get Orf My Moon Land! A group of rural Germans is warning President Bush to be less ambitious about his plans for a moonbase: He could be trespassing on lunar real estate that they collectively own. I want you to read that sentence again, note its accuracy, and be glad we lived to see such times.

The Coalition of the Increasingly-Less-Willing First Spain decides to pull its troops out of our Iraq quagmire, and now Poland is talking about leaving early, while South Korea refuses to deploy its troops to the place Bush wants them deployed. Okay, fine, losers, it's time to bring in the big guns: Send in the Solomon Islands!

For Your "Thank God It's Friday" Special: We are very proud to present this link to "Sisters," Lynne Cheney's 1980s potboiler novel about pioneer women, with its many discreet intimations of love of the sapphic persuasion. You're welcome.

MLWL Refuses The Endorsement of New England Separatists

Next Time, If You Want To Help, Don't Former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix, while speaking to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations, said that the war in Iraq has worsened the "war on terror" listing the following consequences: polarized societies in the Middle East, a rift in NATO, damage to the U.N. Security Council, and no easing in the threat of terrorism. But dude, did you SEE when we totally had Saddam dragged out of that hole?

End Of The World Watch A huge British study of birds, butterflies and wildflowers has given strong evidence that the planet is undergoing its sixth mass extinction in the history of life on Earth. According to an article in the UK's Independent, "human activity is systematically stripping the planet of its rich biodiversity." Congrats humanity, we have become a gigantic, catastrophic asteroid of cheeseburgers and fossil fuels!

Hitler Throws His Support Behind Kucinich! From the right-wing wackjobs at NewsMax comes this story of Malaysia's "Jew-Hating" prime minister, who has vocalized his support of John Kerry. Apparently he didn't get the memo about Kerry's Jewish grandfather. Regardless, it looks like come November the Bush campaign will thrown $100 million into a "Voting For John Kerry Is Like French Kissing Osama" campaign. Witness the first paragraph from the NewsMax article, "It turns out that Spain's new soft-on-terror socialist leader, North Korea's communist terrorist dictator, the Arab propagandists of Al Jazeera and the cowardly French aren't the only dubious foreign supporters of John Kerry's presidential campaign."

-The Sikh Geek

Thursday, March 18, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Can You Think of a World Leader Who Doesn't Want to See Bush Lose the Election?

High Noon at Hanukkah Fresh on the heels of what may become the highest-grossing film of all time, Mel Gibson is planning to make a movie about another Biblical story: Chanukah (it's in the Book of Maccabees, my Protestant brothers). Perhaps alarmingly, Gibson says the story of Jewish resistance to the apostate Hellenist emperor Antiochus is "like a Western," but I have to admit: I would love to see a Chanukah movie. Also note Gibson's Bush-bashing comments: I don't think his right wing admirers are going to be so happy about that.

The Internet: Continuing to Justify its Existence With Stuff Like This From Democratic Rep. Henry Waxman, here's something you will soon be unable to live without: a searchable database of key Bush administration figures' misleading statements and lies about the Iraq war. Want to see what Don Rumsfeld said about Saddam's nuclear program on May 29, 2003? ("We believed then, and we believe now, that the Iraqis . . . had a program to develop nuclear weapons, but did not have nuclear weapons. That is what the United Kingdom's intelligence suggested as well. We still believe that.") It's on there! Trying to remember whether Condi Rice ever said that an Al Qaeda "poisons network" operating in Baghdad was "spreading poison" in Europe and Russia? (She did, on Feb. 16 last year) It's on there! Go to town, kids.

The Terrorists Have Already Won. Wait, No They Haven't A grotesque spectacle presents itself for your delectation: Christopher Hitchens, who began his public life as a slim, witty Trotskyite, looks up from his six martini lunch long enough to bewail the election of a Socialist government in Spain. Why? The script currently being read by Right wingers all over America - that Zapatero's victory on Sunday was an example of the Spanish people "giving in to terror." This article pretty convincingly refutes that. The election, which was always close, was won by the Socialists not because Spaniards are afraid of terrorism (lest we forget, Spain has more experience with terrorists than we do: The Basque ETA does plant bombs, even if they didn't plant these bombs), but because they were mad the Spanish government lied to them.

Kay: Iraq Wasn't Worth It In my dedication to you, the MLWL faithful, I even do things like read the Arms Control Today web site. These oft-dull back alleys occasionally produce the odd pearl, though, like this story in which David Kay says bluntly of the Iraq war, "It wasn't worth it." Kay, who (remember?) was once touted by the Right wing as the answer to their WMD prayers, now says: "Most intelligence reports from around the world said that the Iraqi chemical and biological programs had already been restarted and that they had weapons. Turns out, I think, those reports were wrong, and now we know they were wrong because inspections were more of a hindrance, and [the Iraqis] feared them more in the mid-90s than we anticipated."

Was What Worth It? Some perspective, from today's BBC: "A car bomb has exploded in Basra as violence in Iraq shows no sign of letting up a day after a big car bomb destroyed a Baghdad hotel. The explosion, which happened as a UK military patrol was passing, killed four civilians but it is not clear if one was the bomber. Mortar attacks, one near the Syrian border and another at a base north of Baghdad, killed three US troops. The US Army now says seven people died in Wednesday's Baghdad hotel blast. On Thursday, three people also died in an attack on staff at a US-funded TV station in Baquba, north of Baghdad."

-Consider Arms
MLWL Is A Pimp! Ask Your Sister!

For A Good Time, Call Paul Bremer 555-1212 An excellent article from Slate (imagine that!) about the current state of grafitti in Iraq, complete with a huge and fascinating list of examples. My favorites: SADDAM THE DISGRACE! YOUR END IS TO BE LED LIKE A DOG BY A BLACK FEMALE SOLDIER!, BAATHISTS ARE THE MICROBES OF THE WORLD AND BUSH IS THE MICROBE KILLER, SADDAM CRAPPED IN HIS TROUSERS, WOE FOR THE WINE SELLERS AND THE VENDORS OF NUDISM AND LIBERTINISM, and DOWN WITH AHMAD CHALABI, MAN OF CATS!

The 19th Century Stands Strong Below The Mason-Dixon From the same morons that brought you the Scopes Trial comes another furious flash of genius from Rhea County, Tennesee. The county voted 8-0 to approve a request to amend state law so that homosexuals can be charged with crimes against nature. One of the commisioners also asked to find a way to enact an ordinance to ban gays from living in the county adding, "We need to keep them out of here."

Al Qaeda Backs Bush Well, maybe Bush and Rove were right, maybe Kerry doesn't have the support of all the foreign leaders he claimed.

As If Airline Security Didn't Suck Enough While unpacking in Israel after a trip to Germany, an El Al passanger discovered a de-activated handgun in his luggage. Apparantly the piece was part of a security drill used by the airline to keep baggage checkers on their toes, and after a gun slipping through their hands they probably need to be. "El Al uses different tactics to ensure the safety of its passengers," said a spokeswoman. "We won't detail our tactics."

Normally I Would Prefer A Thrown Pie

The Scab-Filled Real World MTV pulled its production of the 15th season of the Real World from Philadelphia, after local unions went into a post-shaft-receiving uproar. It seems that Bunim/Murray Productions has a long held policy of using non-union labor to fix up buildings and create sets for their production of drunken, college-aged veal calves in tank tops. After B/M went ahead with non-union labor the Teamsters picketed the work site, raising fear that the production company would have to set a precedent of (gasp!) hiring union labor or would see protests by union members during the show's filming. Date rapes in the Real World house? Fine. Minor physical assualts every season? Fine. Binge drinking? Fine. A picket sign? Never. Joe Hill, slam your tequilla shot and take off your Abercrombie shirt. There's a hot abs contest on the deck that's waiting for you.

-The Sikh Geek

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Pogue Mahone, You Drunken Bastards.

Spanish Coverup Autopsy Man, in the last week, I've learned more about contemporary Spanish politics than I ever thought I'd know. Here's James Ridgeway's post-mortem on what seems to be a pretty clear government coverup: Aznar's Popular Party immediately began trying to pin last week's bombing on the Basque ETA, arm-twisting journalists and the diplomatic corps even though the country's intelligence agency knew almost immediately the Basques had nothing to do with it (for instance: the Basques still use dynamite when blowing things up, not explosives triggered by cell phones). We here at the MLWL have always had love for our little Basque buddies, and knew they were innocent from the start: After all, could the people who brought us jai alai ever commit such an atrocity?

Someone Needs to Show U.S. Intelligence that Ridgeway Story The Spanish government has identified six suspects in the bombings: All are Moroccan and only one, Jamal Zougam, is in custody. According to the inimitable Juan Cole, Zougam "is close to both Imad Yarkas and a Moroccan religious leader called Fizazi, who head the Salafiyah Jihadiyah organization. It is suspected in last year's bombings in Casablanca" (see? This is why I love Juan Cole. Did you know half that shit?). Zougam, Yarkas, Fizazi: Those ain't Basque names, but U.S. intelligence is still tripping. According to this CNN report, U.S. intelligence is considering the possibility that the bombings were the work of Al Qaeda and ETA together, sort of like when the Joker would team up with Lex Luthor.

US to Spain: We Don't Want Your Crappy Loser Troops Anyway! An American general and an occupation official say it "won't hurt the coalition" to lose the 1,300 Spanish troops in Iraq (nb: It's worth remembering that Zapatero isn't going to pull troops out unilaterally, but only if there's not a new UN resolution taking control of the peacekeeping effort). Other folks arent' so sure: Australia is pleading with the Spanish not to leave. This is in part because, while the military operation may not be affected, the defection of key "coalition of the willing" members could spell political doom for the occupation. Juan Cole says we should keep our eyes on Japan: Apparently Koizumi's majority depends in part on a Buddhist pacifist party that has gotten cold feet over the use of Japanese troops in Iraq.

Bush: Worse Than Reagan? Timothy Noah thinks so, and this column makes a pretty convincing case, at least in terms of how the two administrations handle information that undercuts their arguments: Reagan ignored it while Bush suppresses it. For our younger readers who may not remember, Ronald Reagan was an old man who pretended to be President many years ago when, instead of Osama Bin Laden, our arch enemy was Daniel Ortega, and hardcore bands wrote songs about politics instead of their girlfriends.

The Irish Contribution to a Healthy Diet It's Saint Patrick's Day, and as a lifelong Paddy, I would be a disgrace to my drunken ancestors if I didn't include a link to a story about the glue that holds Irish civilization together: Alcohol. Specifically, Guinness Stout. But it's not just good for drinking until you puke: According to this fascinating story, the slogan "Guinness is Good for You" may be close to the truth. Specifically, when compared with other beers, Guinness boasts "less alcohol, fewer calories, fewer carbohydrates and, to top it off, protection against heart attacks, blindness and maybe even impotence." The article notes that cardiologists actually prescribe Guinness to some patients and that a pint of the black stuff has fewer calories than a glass of orange juice. If that weren't enough, the story quotes a guy named Mick Foley who hails from Castlemaine, Co. Kerry, which just happens to be the same village that Consider Arms' great-grandparents hailed from. I'm getting misty-eyed and emotional just thinking about it: Drinking 'til you're shitfaced and the Ould Sod. If that isn't St. Patrick's Day in a nutshell, I don't know what is.

-Consider O'Arms
So Angry I Threw The Remote At The TV

Throwing Stones in a White Glass House Like a fat kid finding a Snickers bar, Bush is jumping all over Kerry's claim that he has the support of foreign leaders (which is pointless to demand names and sources over, because he obviously has the support of most of "Old Europe"). Besides, what about naming names and sources over your claims for Iraqi uranium and WMDs? I mean, doesn't an unprovoked war that has killed thousands make more of a statement about credibility?

Bush Needs PR for his PR Did John Kerry vote against body armor for American troops as per the latest Bush smear ad? Um... not really. As this piece from FactCheck shows, Kerry voted against a huge bill of which the armor was a small part. The ad also fails to mention that under Bush the military was sent into combat without the armor in the first place.

Travel The World. Meet Interesting People. And Kill Them. Jennifer Garner, star of the TV show Alias is fronting a recruitment drive for the CIA which is appropriate since the former star of "Dude, Where's My Car?" plays a CIA agent on TV. Says Garner during the ad, "Right now, the CIA has important, exciting jobs for US citizens, especially those with foreign language skills." Maybe on the follow-up ads she can detail those exciting jobs: deposing legitimate foreign leaders, training Central American death squads, torture classes at the School of the Americas, etc. Go Liberal Hollywood!

And The Animals Are PISSED OFF! When people mention Australia, this is exactly what I imagine the continent-sized former prison to be like. A kangaroo kicked the ass of a 48 year-old Queensland woman. As she told a local paper, "I can still see his big, beady eyes, like you see in a Martian video. He had so much hate in his eyes. I always thought they were cute animals, [but] now I want them culled." She also ironically asked a la Dr. Suess, "But what am I going to do? Sue a kangaroo?" Ironic because she works for an attorney who specializes in personal injury claims. In other angry animal news, a Virginia woman was bitten by a bobcat in her basement.

Why Does Every Freak Who Gets Arrested Rock A Beard!? Osama bin Laden, captured Saddam, Unabomber, Eliabeth Smart kidnapper, shoe-bomber, John Walker Lindh, et al. You're not helping the Sikh Geek's steeze.

-The Sikh Geek

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Special "What The Fuck Is Wrong With Fresno?" Edition

Fucking Fresno From the same town that brought you the dreadlocked, incestuous killer of 9, comes a heartwarming tale of moronic bigotry. A Sikh Gudwara is Fresno was vandalized with hate graffiti over the weekend with such messages as "Rags Go Home" and "It's Not Your Country." Last year the Gudwara faced similiar acts of vandalizism, including a five-night spree of graffiti and a small fire. If only there was a Punjabi translation of "I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free..."

Even More Bizarre Than Gregory Dark Directing That Britney Spears Video An adult film director does a commercial featuring Pete the Porno Puppet for, an anti-porn Christian ministry. Watch the clip and get even more confused.

Break Yourself, Buffy A born-again Christian man in Jacksonville, Florida (what other state would you expect?) who believed himself to be a "vampire killer" shot his Domino's Pizza co-worker in the face because he believed the man to be a vampire.

The Wrath of the Math What's more disturbing/suspect? The figure that 1 in 8 UK Muslims support terrorist attacks? Or that Nader is rocking a horrifying 7% in a CBS poll?

I'd Like To Think That It's A Polite and Scientific Way of Calling Him A Big, Floppy Retard

-The Sikh "Not My Country" Geek

Monday, March 15, 2004

We all float down here Georgie.

These are not paid actors! OK, but by not paid actors we mean, we paid them to act. The administration apparently made a whole bunch of crap up again, this time by hiring actors to pose as journalists and support new medicare laws. Even the administration lawyers say there are "notable omissions and other weaknesses" in these ads. Great job guys!!

American cluture already taking over Iraq!! In a South Central influenced hit, 3 US civilians were shot and killed in Iraq by a drive-by. The news that the killers were blaring Tu-Pac songs was unconfirmed at press time.

China waves its finger at Taiwan. Nobody pays attention. In a relatively unintersting story. China once again warns Taiwan that it shouldn't try for independance. OK, now lets think about this situation. Taiwan is self governed and has been for 50 years. They have their own currency and passports. To go to mainland china they require a passport. Think about, even China treats them like a seperate country except for their whole renegade province line. Just let it go China.

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Viva Zapatero!

I'm in Love With Spanish Voters Could this weekend have been any better? On Saturday, UConn wins the Big East tournament despite Okafor being less than 100 percent and Villenueve having a twisted ankle, and on Sunday the people of Spain put the Socialist Workers into power. Spain's new prime minister vows that he will make good on his campaign pledge to bring home the country's 1,300 troops in Iraq. Hey, Blair and Berlusconi: You hear those footsteps?

Now, Why Would Spain Want to Bring Its Troops Home? Here's a possibility: Seven American troops were killed in Iraq over the weekend in bomb attacks. Since March 10, nine US soldiers have been killed in improvised explosive device attacks in Iraq.

If You Thought Texas Had a Death Penalty Problem... According to a Chinese Communist Party official, China executes about 10,000 people a year (actually, he said there are 10,000 "immediate executions" in China, meaning that there could be other executions that aren't immediate). This, believe it or not, is way above what even the highest estimate had been from human rights groups. Now, don't I remember reading something in the papers a while back about us invading Iraq because of all the human rights violations under Saddam? Must be my imagination.

That Computer Science Degree Doesn't Seem Like Such a Good Idea Now, Does It, Genius? Like many younger folk, I have been following the mounting evidence of a military draft with unease: This story, though, has reassured me. It seems that the government is taking steps to implement a "special skills" draft that would target Americans with proficiency in computers and foreign languages. "Talking to the manpower folks at the Department of Defense and others, what came up was that nobody foresees a need for a large conventional draft such as we had in Vietnam," says Richard Flahavan, a spokesman for the Selective Service System. "But they thought that if we have any kind of a draft, it will probably be a special skills draft." That unmarketable liberal arts degree, coupled with taking Latin, suddenly seem like two of the wisest decisions I ever made.

Bangalore: Land of Opportunity Here's something you don't see every day: Whereas in past decades and centuries, people immigrated to America for (among other things) the chance to work and earn a decent living, now Americans are immigrating to India for the same chance. With all the dotcom jobs that are being "outsourced" to the sub-continent, white-collar American workers are apparently starting to follow them. Note to India: Consider restricting the immigration of Americans. Those people are a plague.

-Consider Arms
How Do You Say "Mass Outbreak Of Common Sense" In Spanish?

Powell Talks Shit With His Pants Aflame On Fox News this Sunday, Colin Powell said that John Kerry should back up his claims of support from foreign leaders with a list of names, saying "if he feels it is that important an assertion to make, he ought to list some names. If he can't list names, then perhaps he should find something else to talk about." Funny, but Powell had no problems holding up a plagerized and fraudulent dossier to the UN to justify an unprovoked war that his killed and maimed thousands of US soldiers. Where were your footnotes on that one dude? Undeterred from looking like a war-mongering liar on the world stage the first time, Powell also took his time on Fox News to push for vague "action" to be taken against Iran. Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice...

Like A Tobacco Lobbyist For The Right This Salon piece profiles Bush's ad-man Alex Castellanos, a GOP media consultant who is famous for his nasty and misleading attack ads. Remember the subliminal "RATS" planted in anti-Gore ads in 2000? Remember the Jesse Helms "White Hands" ad? Remember Jeb Bush's 1994 campaign in which one of his ads accused the then governor of refusing to execute the murderer of a 10 year-old girl because he was too liberal (when the Florida courts was still hearing the killer's appeal)? Castellanos was behind all of them. With a fake 9-11 body, fake firefighters and fake statistics already in W's ads, the ads until November will be real ugly...

As If Prison Itself Didn't Suck Enough... A man who was wrongly imprisoned for 16 on charges of being an IRA bomber is now being charged 370,000 pounds for living expenses he incurred while in Her Majesty's prisons. The Labour Home Secretary David Blunkett is defending the fees, calling them "Saved Living Expenses" and claiming the man shouldn't have been eating the prison's food or sleeping on their cots in the first place. Naturally, people with half a brain are calling the fees 'morally repugnant" and "the sickest of sick jokes."

-The Sikh Geek

Sunday, March 14, 2004

CNN Has A Program Entitled "Extreme Baby Making." I Don't Even Want To Know...

Finally, A Government Is Cracking Down On The Threat Of Necromancers In a rare release to the press, the General Staff of Turkey's military has confirmed that it has asked local authorities for individuals who could undermine the state in order to "gather intelligence because it was necessary to makes plans to take effective measures against incidents that could arise.". Who are the Turkish powers worried about? Foreigners living in Turkey, ethnic minorities like Albanians and Gypsies, Satanists, Freemasons, supporters of the US and EU, Klu Klux Klan members (how many of THEM are living in Turkey?), "writers and thinkers who are working against Turkey," artistic groups, children of wealthy families, groups who congregate over the Internet, people who meditate, magicians, sorcerers and necromancers. I'm going to go out on a limb, but a public crackdown on magicians who conjure up the spirits of the dead is not going to help Turkey's entry into the EU.

Are You Cold Too? I Feel A Draft... The Department of Defense has begun the preliminary stages of targeted military draft of Americans with lunguistic and computer skills. A spokesman for Selective Service says that the specialist draft is only in the planning stages and could take two years to "work out the kinks." Keep delivering the vote to the GOP college Republicans! Soon you'll be fighting liberal bias in Afghanistan's bombed out schools.

-The Sikh Geek

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Does Anyone Else Find It Weird That The Madrid Bombings Happened A Few Days Before The Elections?

Three Cheers For The Power Of Sarcastic Blogs! It seems that the Bush/Cheney sloganator has been taken down as fast as it was put up thanks to the junior-high efforts of sarcastic weblogs such as Monster Limo and Wonkette. Who says over-read losers with computers can't change anything?

THIS Is Who Would Be On An article on Johnny Ramone: old man, retired punk rocker, and Republican. Johnny fondly reminices on his years with the Ramones ("It was a job, and I was just doing my job."), his acceptance speech at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ("God bless President Bush, and God bless America.") and his famous Republican wingnut friends like Vincent Gallo ("What's radical about saying you are for the poor?"). Punk rock! I want to eBay my 7"s and cry.

Take Backo The Charges Against Wacko Jacko? Turns out that the family of the boy who is accusing Michael Jackson of molesting him is wicked shady and a big flag is being raised on the case. Five years before accusing Jacko the family won $137,000 in a lawsuit against J.C. Penny under suspicious allegations. Said Attorney Tom Griffin, “It became readily apparent that this was an incident, in my opinion, a scam, to extract money from J.C. Penny."

If We're Going To Interpret The Bible Literally, Let's Do It For Real... If according to "Rev." Fred Phelps, "God Hates Fags", then he must hate shrimp in the same fire and brimstone manner, at least if you believe your Bible.

-The Sikh Geek

Friday, March 12, 2004

It's absurd! Unthinkable! Why? Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room it goes to the fudge room!

Those wacky Koreans are at it again. No, not the North Koreans having presidential problems for once but the South Koreans. Who have for about a year been struggling with their somewhat inept and often waffling president have finally broken down and impeached him. Now the actual impeachment charge is strange but it stems from other corruption charges. Ah well, at least their president does something stupid they actually move to do something about it. Now if only Americans were half as fiesty.

This one's for my homies on lockdown and this one's for my people on the street. Conspiracy readers rejoice or cringe in horror, whatever. This collection of news articles point towards camps for political dissenters. Now, in general people would think automatically that this is crazy but think of this article from the LA times where John Ashcroft actually reccommends this very thing,here. Think of all the "enemy combatants" there could be under these terms!

The world's end, quickly moving forward. So anyone who has ever had a Krispy Kreme donut will know that if you had a low sugar donut there it wouldn't be right. Also, if you're trying to be healthy and maybe lose some weight, do you think that Krispy Kreme is the place you think of automatically. How about you get off you're trendy diet and hit the gym tubby.

When will we learn? Robots ALWAYS turn on their human masters. Toyota showed off it's new humanoid robot this week! That puts it up with Honda and Sony as making new and technologically interesting interesting robots. Japan seems pretty much set on making us do battle in the future with a horde of robotic mercenaries. I must admit though, i applaud the inovativeness of this as do many nerds who are currently building their perfect robot woman in their basement out of radio shack parts!

-HakujinJoe, internment camp number 9823
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: You Lived to See It - "Britney Spears' Video Suicide" is a Real Headline

Mourning in Spain A day after the worst terrorist attacks in Spanish history, nobody is sure who did it: Was it the Basque ETA? I think that's unlikely. ETA usually operates on a much smaller scale, and tries to minimize civilian casualties. Also, the way that Aznar's Popular Party has been so quick to pin the blame on ETA is suspicious: One of the central issues in the general elections next week is greater autonomy for the Basque and Catalan regions. If it turns out ETA did the bombing, that would totally discredit the drive for more independence, an outcome fervently hoped-for by the Popular Party. If, on the other hand, this bombing is the work of a jihadi group in response to Spain's support for the Iraq war, that could seriously hurt Aznar's fortunes in the elections.

Entrepreneurial Enterprise, Iraq-Style One of the many underreported stories in the U.S. is the wave of kidnappings in Iraq since the fall of Saddam: Apparently, this is how people in Baghdad make money. There are now two kidnappings a day on average in Baghdad, with the average ransom being about $25,000. One reason that you probably haven't heard about this? So far, criminal gangs are only kidnapping Arabs. Don't worry, though: The Interim Administration is on top of it. "Kidnapping [of] a westerner is our biggest fear," says Jerry Burke, the United States special adviser to Baghdad's police.

Alger Hiss You Ain't Knowing my fair share of news reporters and Congressional press secretaries, I wasn't surprised by the news that a former news reporter and press secretary has been arrested and charged with spying for Saddam. You know why I wasn't surprised? Because the government contends that, from 1999 to 2002, Saddam only paid the alleged spy $10,000. Ten grand! Yep, that's truly someone who has had to live on newspaper and press secretary salaries before.

The Greatest Threat to Freedom Since Saddam: Tortured American POWs In a move that can only be called "borderline insane," George W. Bush is blocking the release of compensation for American troops who were tortured by Iraqi forces during the first Gulf War. It's a complicated story, but a court awarded the troops the money from Iraq's assets; now that we have access to those assets, though, Bush refuses to allow them to be used, and has even utilized portions of the USA PATRIOT Act against the former prisoners of war. "I terrifically sympathize with their personal situation and what they went through," a Justice Department lawyer says, "but the use of the courts and damages remedies interferes with the president's conduct of foreign policy."

Terror Alerts: Another Thing the Administration Can't Do Right According to a preliminary report obtained by the Associated Press, many state and local agencies have been finding out about changes in the terror alert level (you know, the rainbow of terror colors) from the press. This came out on Wednesday; a day later, the bombing in Spain happened. Amtrak found out about it not from the Department of Homeland Security, but from the news radio. Just in case you want to beef up security on American trains, dudes.

-Consider Arms