Monday, March 29, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Hey! Democrats Can't Read the Bible!

Democracy vs. Democracy I love this Ayatollah Al-Sistani guy. He's sparked a grassroots resistance movement in Iraq to the bullshit constitution imposed by the American occupation authorities: newspapers, pamphlets, sermons, university lectures, but so far no demonstrations. Or violence. Now that's democracy in action: A huge group of people peacefully protesting an unjust imposition by an alien government.

Seeing "Mean Girls" Made Me Admit to Shooting Kennedy For the second time, "The Passion of the Christ" has inspired someone to come forward and confess to a crime: This time it's a Norwegian who admitted to firebombing anarchist squats in the 1990s.

We Must Halt Canadian Aggression Before It's Too Late Canada is planning to annex a small Caribbean archipelago, the Turks and Caicos. Although Canada's Conservative Party, which is behind the scheme, says the government of the islands is in favor of the move, you have to wonder if this is similar to Richard Perle's claim that the Iraqis would greet us with open arms. Could this be Canada's Vietnam? No.

Yo! MTV Supports the Junta In what can only be described as a "desperate gambit," the GOP has been trying to win over younger voters by driving a gigantic bus around the country that offers X Box consoles and Britney Spears songs. This campaign reached a surreal zenith late last week when Republican national Chairman Ed Gillespie appeared on Total Request Live as the guest of hardnosed interviewer and fan of cumbersome headwear Sway. Ed nailed home exactly how lame the Republicans are by declining to say whether he favored Clay Aiken or Usher, and Sway obliterated whatever street cred he had left by hailing his guest as "a nice guy" and "smart."

Age of Pericles Postponed by Fighting I saw Laura Bush at a GOP fund-raiser last week (don't ask), and she talked about how the liberated people of Afghanistan have fashioned a working democracy "since my husband had the courage to act." Well, it turns out that may a bit premature, as puppet leader Hamid "Diem2K" Karzai has announced that elections will be postponed until the fall because of, you know, the civil war. Don't worry, though, because Hamid sees a silver lining to this particular cloud: "Putting off the vote until September also means Afghanistan can run both the presidential and the parliamentary elections simultaneously, Karzai said." That should make the fraud so much more manageable, don't you think?

-Consider Arms