TODAY'S TOP FIVE:
Aren't You Impressed That We Haven't Even Mentioned Mel Gibson's Movie?
October Surprise Watch: Even on Weekends The US has announced that we will begin a "24 hour a day, seven days a week" search for Osama Bin Laden in the mountainous border region between Afghanistan and Pakistan. This prompts me to ask the natural question: Wait a fucking minute. You mean we haven't been searching for him around the clock until now? What the fuck have we been doing? If people call up on a Saturday and say, "Look, I know where Osama is," do they get a voicemail recording telling them to call back during business hours?
This Reminds Me of an Amusing Tale of a Small Dispute Between Elbridge Gerry and James Madison Over the Definition of "Executive." It Seems That... Okay, I'll interrupt my chucklesome reminiscence of the U.S. Constitution to bring you this message about the Iraqi Constitution: Not so fast. The document was supposed to be signed today, but the Shi'ites have balked at the insistance of Grand Ayatollah Al-Sistani. It seems the Shi'ites are pissed about some last-minute changes to the document that allows for Kurdish autonomy, and also about attempts to ensure that the presidency isn't dominated by them. Rest easy, though, America: Paul Bremer assures us that this is a mere "technical issue." Come home, Paul. Them people have done drove you crazy.
Today, Kafka Would be a Blogger, Because You Can't Make This Shit Up Jose Padilla, the suspect in the "dirty bombing" case, has been allowed to see his lawyers for the first time in nearly two years. Normally, attorney-client meetings are confidential, but in this case, the meeting was videotaped by the army and the lawyers' notes were all photocopied for use by the government. Keep in mind that Padilla has not actually been charged with a crime, although he has been designated as an "enemy combatant" by "President" Bush. Two courts have ruled that Padilla's treatment is unconstitutional, and the Supreme Court will hear oral arguments for the government's appeal on April 28. Keep watching that one: It could well be the most important Supreme Court case in 20 years.
Some of that Trademark Rove Genius Karl must be fucking high these days, because so far the Bushies are running a worse campaign than Barbara Kennelly. Their first ads (you know, the 9/11 Porn ones) are so offensive that today a bunch of 9/11 victims' families held a press conference in New York to denounce them. The ads pissed off the 265,000-strong International Association of Firefighters that the group has already passed a resolution calling on the campaign to stop running them. On TV, Bush strategist Karen Hughes put those fucking families and firefighters in their place: "With all due respect, I just completely disagree [with the families], and I believe the vast majority of the American people will as well." Yeah! Fuck those people and their grief! You go, Karen!
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No John Kerry, who has been running ahead of Bush in most polls, has now pullled even with him. What's the source of this? 6 percent of respondents say they'll vote for Nader. SIX FUCKING PERCENT. Words alone cannot describe how irresponsible this is. If Kerry ends up losing this election because of Ralph Nader, when all of us liberals are in the work camps, I will personally kick the asses of every single Nader voter I can find.
-Consider Arms
