Thursday, September 30, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Like Ike's Kid.

Return of the Bill of Rights U.S. District Judge Victor Marrero has struck down surveillance portions of the USA PATRIOT Act, ruling that it is unconstitutional for the FBI to seek confidential consumer records from communications companies and also to refuse those companies to disclose that the records had been requistioned. Attorney General Ashcroft, fresh from throwing sheets over statues and getting all greased up with Crisco, plans to appeal.

Even the Wackos Are Beginning to Make Sense Pat Buchanan, he of the yearned-for Great Wall of Mexico, has come out in favor of Kerry, saying that Kerry is "pummeling" Bush on "the great issue of the campaign": Iraq. Man, how nutty do you have to be as a right-winger to alienate Pat Buchanan? He invented nutty right wingerhood, fer cryin' out loud!

Draft Panic: We Were There First! Talk about re-instatement of the draft is now more mainstream than Nelly: there's a Rock the Vote commercial about it, and Ted Kennedy referred to it in his great speech this week. Also, Seymour Hersh (the great journalist who exposed My Lai and Abu Ghraib) says he thinks the draft will be reinstated after Bush steals another election. I'd like to point out two things: One, the MLWL has been warning about the draft for more than a year. Two, Hersh's advice for dealing with the coming bad times, "Sell short and buy some land in Tuscany," doesn't really help us broke-ass working stiffs.

The Daily Mayhem: Israel Edition 15 people were killed in fighting in the Gaza Strip one day after two Israeli children, ages 2 and 4, were killed by a rocket fired at their grandmother's home by Palestinian militants.

The Daily Mayhem: Iraq Edition More than 40 people were killed in coordinated car bombings in Western Iraq today, most of them children. One American soldier was killed and three were wounded. The number of attacks on American troops is now averaging 80 per day, up from 40 per day a month ago. The first presidential debate is tonight at 9 p.m.

-Consider Arms

Under MLWL Rule Emo Cuddle-Parties Will Be Banned And The Zend Avesta Will Become Forced Reading

Tony Blair, The Wisom of Solomon & The Strength of Atilla Well, not quite. Earlier in the week Blair's keynote speech to the Labour Party was disrupted on two seperate occasions by protestors who shouted "You have blood on your hands." Blair was descibed as being "clearly shaken." Now, Blair is shaping up to pay off hostage-takers like the Italians.

Well, The National Debate May Be Shit But At Least The Bumpers Are Making Sense Who WOULD Osama vote for? Kerry? Bush? Unless there is a fundamentalist, Wahabbist cleric on the ballot for the T.I.V.-Shar'ia Party, probably none of the above. Dipshits.

The Galluping Horse of Bullshit Really? Bush is up 23% as part of a "waning-moon, pre-election Godzilla bounce"? Lyndon LaRouche has a commanding lead in all 48 continental states?

The French Get Vichy On The Sikhs After telling Sikh children that they could cover their hair will head-coverings smaller than the traditional turban. Now against the government's own recommendations, the French are turning Sikh children away from school if they have any head covering on whatsoever. Ironically, by telling Sikh children to not cover their hear, France is forcing them to break French law by displaying a religious symbol (their uncut hair). Nice to know that the French aren't being bullied around by the UN's Declaration of Human Rights. Frog bastards.

Ain't No Party Like A Flip-Flop Party, Cause A Flip-Flop Party Don't Stop Letterman meets the Daily Kos in this CBS piece about Bush's top ten flip-flops. Witness the fitness.
"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories."(May 29, 2003)
"I recognize we didn't find the stockpiles [of weapons] we all thought were there." (Sept. 9, 2004)

End Of The World Watch While nuclear proliferation has been a steady favorite as the road to humanity's destruction, natural disasters have been making a comeback lately with hurricanes and Mt. Saint Helens. But as this MyWayNews article shows, you can't keep the bacteria down.

Hindsight is 20-20 And so is the pre-war intelligence that Bush read that in January 2003 "warned the war could prompt an insurgency in which rogue elements from Saddam Hussein's government would work with existing terrorist groups." For those visual learners of you out there...

I Laughed When They Told Me Mel Gibson Was To Direct "The Passion" But with Val Fucking Kilmer as Moses I want to cry.

-The Sikh Geek

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Dreading the Inevitable.

The Human Cost Tony Blair can rest assured: His place in history has been secured.

Paid Republican Operative Fails in Bid to Disrupt U.S. Election Or, Ralph Nader's effort to circumvent the democratic process by using the U.S. Supreme Court to get him on the ballot in Oregon has failed. He's also off the ballot in Ohio, but on the ballot in New Mexico. And, we presume, that level of political Hell reserved for turncoats.

Now, Watch Him Drink Water and Make the Dummy Talk at the Same Time Iraqi Prime Minister Hamid Karzai, er, sorry, Ngo Den Diem, er, my mistake - Iyad Allawi gave some rousing remarks last week about how stable and prospering his benighted country is. The trouble is, as the Washington Post found out, those remarks were an almost verbatim copy of a speech that Bush recently gave on the same subject. But I'm sure that Allawi, you know, totally agreed with those sentiments.

We Are Winning the War in Iraq, if by "Winning," You Mean "Not Winning" Oh, and what about the rosy talk of Iraq from Bush/Allawi last week? This week, Colin Powell announced that "We are fighting an intense insurgency. Yes, it's getting worse, and the reason it's getting worse is that they are determined to disrupt the election," while Rumsfeld said it may be more realistic to envision having that election in three-quarters or four-fifths of Iraq, rather than the whole country. Sen. Kerry, I hope I'll be hearing these comments in tomorrow's debate.

The Lawbreaker-in-Chief Another Bush violation of federal law, to add to the dozens of previous examples: "The Bush administration violated the law by allowing private insurers to limit choices of some patients in a small trial program of managed health care under Medicare, congressional investigators said." That "small trial program" includes more than 100,000 people in 19 states denied medical treatment because of the administration's reckless embrace of free market ideology.

-Consider Arms
Leave Maya Keyes Alone, Dicks.

W Getting Left Behind Like An Evangelical Novel Franchise Peter Cohan, a Wall Street strategist, is casting his lot for John Kerry this election believing the Democratic nominee will be better for the economy than W. Jeez, with a record deficit, an evaporated surplus and a tremendous loss of jobs who wouldn't stand behind our economy's past four years?

"No Chance That This Situation Will Get Better." The United States' equilivant of "Dude, I TOTALLY have black friends!" moderate King Abdullah of Jordan has come out and expressed his "profound pessimism" at the upcoming elections in Iraq.

They Aren't Eager To Get Their Limbs Blown Off By IEDs? "Fewer than two-thirds of the former soldiers being reactivated for duty in Iraq and elsewhere have reported on time, prompting the Army to threaten some with punishment for desertion. Of the 1,662 ready reservists ordered to report to Fort Jackson, S.C., by Sept. 22, only 1,038 had done so, the Army said Monday. About 500 of those who failed to report have requested exemptions on health or personal grounds."

We'd Expect No Less From A Country With Universal Health Care Cananda is nixing low-carb labelling on food, citing the lack of evidence that Atkins diets are actually healthy. Big-ups to you, sensible older sibling from the north.

Worst Political Ads Ever. EVER.It's hard to believe that these ads are not parody. Even more insane than the "latte-drinking, body-piercing freak show" anti-Howard Dean ads from the Club For Growth, are the ads attacking Rep. Marilyn Musgrave from Colorado Families First which portray Musgrave as stealing a watch from a corpse in a funeral home and literally picking the pocket of a US soldier (while fighting in combat!) You can view the ads here.

-The Sikh Geek

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Strategery.

More of That Hilarious Brooklyn Hipster Humor That We've All Come to Know and Barely Tolerate MC No Shame, this one's for you: You will no doubt be shocked to see that this story takes place in Park Slope.

Disenfranchised Thousands of people in Ohio who registered to vote this year have had their registrations rejected - because they weren't on the right kind of paper. Just before the deadline to register new voters, the Republican Secretary of State in Ohio announced that thousands of registrations were invalid and that the voters had to be notified by mail that they would have to re-register. Many of these notifications won't get out until after the deadline to register has passed; meanwhile, local voter registration boards are unable to deal with the volume of re-registration requests. Well, that's one way to make sure the Democrats don't win.

Good News, for a Change Tom Finneran has resigned as speaker of the House of Representatives in Massachusetts in the midst of a perjury investigation, following an 8-year reign of terror. Finneran was the speaker when I lived in Mass., and he deliberately kept my district without a representative for more than a year because he knew that whoever was elected from Northampton would be too liberal for his liking. I'm delighted to see this thug chased from office in disgrace.

Next, We Destroy Betamax The Senate is debating whether or not to launch the next losing battle in the lost war against file-sharing, by passing a law that would enable the Recording Industry Association of America to sue Kazaa and Limewire. Currently, the RIAA has been forced to sue children and grandmothers because the networks in question technically have no control over users' behavior. The Senate bill would change the law, and would also become a footnote in the yet-to-be-written history of how file-sharing triumphed over the music industry. As a bonus, under the current language of the law, the makers of iPods (and iPod ripoffs for PC) and photocopiers would also be liable to lawsuits. Awesome legislation, dudes!

What a Beautiful New Suit the Emperor is Wearing! Psyched for the debate on Thursday? Me neither! That's because, even if Bush staggers onstage 10 minutes late, vomits on his own shoes, and collapses in a twitching heap, he'll be proclaimed the winner by straight-faced TV commentators. Paul Krugman calls it right down the middle, like usual, in this excellent column.

-Consider Arms
Heal Me With Your Mystical, Japanese Fung-Shui Bullshit, Sir.

Recognize The Symbolic Milestones When You See Them, Bitches. The price of oil is now at a record high, just getting over $50 per barrel. This is only a few months after the constantly rising cost of crude pushed gas at the pump over $2 per gallon. The stock market is now under 10,000 points which was the mark of a strong market and healthy economy back in the salad days of Bill Clinton and the dotcom boom. Read the writing on the wall: run-away gas prices and hostages in the Middle East. Bush is 21st century Carter, just without the dignity or concern for human rights.

The Wrath Of The Facts Reuters factchecks Bush's rosey speech about Iraq. As shocking as it may seem to you dear reader, Bush has apparently misrepresented several, basic facts about Iraq. Wait, that's kinda what got us there, wasn't it?

Will You Fucking RELAX Dude?! We're GETTING To It...
"Since Sept. 11, 2001, more than 123,000 hours of audio in languages associated with terrorists still had not been reviewed as of April 2004, the audit found. In addition, more than 370,000 hours of audio associated with counterintelligence had not been reviewed. This backlog existed even though money for the FBI's language services had increased from $21.5 million in fiscal 2001 to about $70 million in fiscal 2004. The number of linguists had risen from 883 to 1,214 over that period."

The Cat's Got Claws Time aticle about the shady and weak info used to bring down imminent threat to humanity, Cat Stevens. I'd like to think that Ashcroft has a grudge list from the early seventies. Tommy Chong doing a year in jail for making glass pipes. Cat Stevens grunded mid-flight and forced out of the country. Dennis Hopper, watch your shit.

Fuck Betraying His Jihadi Brothers, The Sikh Geek Is Sweating Johnny Walker's Steez Behold this Time article about John Walker-Lindh, who in addition to singing like a songbird for the Man "has grown a beard down to his chest and covers his shaved head with a khaki skullcap to match his prison jumpsuit."

-The Sikh Geek

Monday, September 27, 2004

We're Sending Out The Search Party For MC No Shame, Hakujin Joe And L'il Antonin

It's Not A Tumor. It's An Hasta La Vista I'll Be Back Girlie Man Mess. I could comment on the Arnold mess in California and how he's pissed off the conservatives who got him into office, but I'm too busy giggling over the fact that Rev. Lou Sheldon believes a "drag-queen lobby" exists in the state. THAT would be a sight.

Why Be Pussies? Let's Take On The Planet Next!
I mean, Iraq has been going so well, why shouldn't we look ahead to our next uprovoked, unilateral and illegal war? Restart the "Iran War Watch" dudes, but split your bets between the Shi'ite stronghold and Syria.

Thirties Style Eugenics For Today! Now, I'm no expert on the details of the GOP's pro-life platform, but I'm pretty sure that sterilizing minors isn't a part of it. Someone should send the memo over to the office of Oklahoma Senate candidate Tom Coburn, who admits to sterilizing "lots" of underage girls as a doctor.

Just Go To The Other Side Already Joe Democratic Senator Leiberman, a candy and video-game fighting cross that Connecticut has had to bear for too long, has come out and told the press, "I don't find much difference between what (Kerry) is proposing (in Iraq) and what President Bush is doing." Way to play for your team dude.

It's Like A Horror Movie. A Lame, Senile And Overweight Horror Movie

-The Sikh Geek

Sunday, September 26, 2004

You Don't Give Top-Hats To Monkeys. Monkeys Don't Wear Top-Hats.

From The "Just 19 Men Armed With Box-Cutters" Department
It's frightening when our world of PDAs and WI-FI can be toppled with crude, lo-tech devices. A story last week revealed that Kryptonite bike locks were easily picked with a common, disposable Bic pen. Now it has come out that locking gun cabinets can be easily unlocked with the same 10-cent pens. Said one father in Iowa, "I had run home for lunch and was in a hurry... Within 30 seconds, I was into the safe with that pen."

Well, At Least Cat Fucking Stevens Won't Be On That Plane Next To The Smuggled Knives And Explosives This story might have slipped under the radar with all of the Cat Stevens hysteria. (Yes, hysteria. I heard radio "personalities" in the Midwest calling for his beheading.) During tests at 15 airports in 2003, undercover agents were able to successfully smuggle guns knives and boxcutters past airport security.

The Unintentional Political Metaphor of the Week Thanks to a lack of national health care, a disparity of wealth and a steady diet of Atkins and shitty junk food, Americans are shrinking. Literally. We're getting shorter (and simultaneously fatter) while our counterparts in Europe are chomping on Meuslix and getting taller.

We Call You Crazy Because You Are Crazy Sinead O'Conner who: spent the eighties and early ninteis with a shaved head, caused an uproar by rufusing to play a US concert date if the national anthem was played at it, ripped up a photograph of the Pope on national TV while calling him "the real enemy," publically gabbed about her claims of an abusive childhood, delared herself a priest named "Mother Bernadette Mary" through a break-away Catholic sect and came out to all of Ireland loudly carrying the banner for the national problem of head lice (while calling for a "national delousing day"). has now taken out a full-page ad in an Irish newspaper asking the people of Ireland to stop calling her crazy and weird.

Like The October Surprise, But Wih Lactose A senior economic advisor at the USDA is under fire for suggesting that milk prices be kept high through the election to gain votes for W in key dairy-producing midwestern swing states.

-The Sikh Geek

Saturday, September 25, 2004

And Just Like The Prodigal Son I've Returned

It's Like An Urban Legend, But Paid For And Promoted By A National Political Party
The GOP has admitted to sending out campaign literature to Arkansas and West Virginia voters that claims Liberals want to ban the Bible in addition to allowing same-sex marriage. An editorial in West Virginia's Charleton Gazette responed to the mailing with common sense. "Most Americans see morality more complexly," the editorial said. "Many think a higher morality is found in Christ's command to help the needy, prevent war and pursue other humanitarian goals. Churchgoers of this sort aren't likely to believe childish allegations that Democrats want to ban the Bible."

America Takes A Non-Stop Flight To Stupidtown On Tuesday Midwest Airlines cancelled the take off of a plane after a passenger found a note in Farsi inside the in-flight magazine. The plane was grounded, the passengers takn off the plane, all the luggage was checked and all of the passengers were put up in a hotel and left the next morning. Nothing was found, although a spokespeson for the airline divulged that the note was "something of a contemplative nature." Note to all werido foreigners: pray in English or you'll freak us out.

What Would Jesus Do? Go Fag-Bashing. Servant to God and friend to prostitutes, Jimmy Swaggart, apologized for saying during one of his televised worship services (WORSHIP SERVICE!) that he would kill any gay man that looked at him, you know, in THAT way. "I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I'm going to be blunt and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died." P.S. It's nice to know that while the Virgin Mary spoke to God through an angel and Moses did through a burning bush, Jimmy has a direct line to the Allmighty and can talk to Him directly about his homophobic murderous fantasies.

Buck Up Democrats! You Have The Trekkies On Your Side! "'On the home world, if there had been a contested election between Gore and Bush, the honorable thing would be for Gore to kill Bush,' explained Khraanik (Earth name: Jason Lewis), a 38-year-old from Southeast Portland. 'Or the other way around. And then ascend to the head of the High Council.'"

That Slavery Bullshit Is SO 19th Century
According to a report just released by the Human Rights Center, at any given time about 10,000 people are forced to work against their will in forced labor, mostly in prostitution.

-The Sikh Geek

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Used to Play Superscript V-Ball on the Nintendo.

A Class Act I've taken my share at John Kerry's lackluster campaign, but I have to give him props for this. Lynne Gobbell of Moulton, Alabama was fired from her job in a factory for putting a "Kerry Edwards" sticker on her car. Her boss is an enthusiastic Bush backer who included memos urging employees to vote for Bush in the pay envelopes. All the bad press this assfuck has gotten has made him have a phoney change of heart, and he offered Gobbell her job back, but now she has a better offer: John Kerry called her and told her she could have a job working for his campaign. Awesome.

Your Tax Dollars Secretly, Illegally at Work (Shhh!) Democratic Congressman Henry Waxman, valiant foe of all things Bush, has prepared a damning report showing that the Bush administration is on track to be the most secretive in U.S. history, both quantitatively and qualitatively. On the quality side, the Bush administration has so far refused to release documents regarding: Dick Cheney's slimy energy task force; the details of contracts between Halliburton and the Defense Department; a genuine cost estimate of the Republican Medicare "reform"; documents on prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib; and documents on pre-war WMD intelligence. On the quant side, the number of classified documents has increased 50 percent since Bush has been in office, while the number of so-called "derivative" classifications (classifying documents that restate or paraphrase from previously classified material) has increased an astonishing 95 percent. This report is crammed full of astonishing facts, like that the CIA operates secret jails around the world with an estimated 9,000 prisoners (note: It's a PDF file).

The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business George W. Bush, in his trademark resolute and steadfast manner, has been setting a standard for productivity that I think we can all admire: he hasn't spent a full work day in Washington, D.C. since August 2. In fact, since Memorial Day, he's spent a total of 10 days in Washington. Now, how can I get a job like that?

Break Out the Hammer-and-Sickle Banners Vladimir Putin is rejecting US criticism of constitutional reforms that will move Russia even closer to being a dictatorship. Among those changes: from now on, Putin gets to choose all of Russia's regional governors himself, and will have power over who gets nominated to stand in parliamentary elections. In response to criticism from Colin Powell, the Russian foreign minister tartly noted that Russia does not criticize the electoral system that allowed a man who won the popular vote to lose the White House, nor such post-9/11 changes as the Patriot Act. You know the country's in trouble when we're ceding the moral high ground to the former head of the KGB.

The Daily Mayhem: Iraq Edition A car bomb went off in Baghdad today, killing 47 people near a police station. In a city north of the capital, gunmen ambushed a minibus carrying recent recruits to the police force, killing 12. The insurgency shows no signs of abating, and in fact seems to be spreading.

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Batman Will Save Us!

The Big Bounce, Part 1 Lt. Gen. James T. Conway, lately the commander of the Marine Corps in Western Iraq, is leaving his job, but not before pointing out what a clusterfuck of a job we've done in that benighted country. Conway is especially scathing in his condemnation of the botched attack on Fallujah back in April. Conway, interestingly, said the dumbest thing in the world was to invade the city following the killing of four civilian military contractors, and that doing so essentially ensured Anbar province would go over to the insurgents. It will be interesting to see how the Republicans try to smear a Marine Corps general.

The Big Bounce, Part 2 As we mentioned last week, August was the worst month yet for American forces in Iraq, and this week's Newsweek devotes its cover story to the fact that the insurgency, far from dwindling away to nothing, is actually getting worse. "The few relief groups that remain in Iraq are talking seriously about leaving. U.S. forces have effectively ceded entire cities to the insurgents, and much of the country elsewhere is a battleground." But why would the media talk about this in the context of a presidential campaign? We're all too busy trying to find out whether fucking IBM Selectric typewriters in 1971 could make Superscript th's. A nation of chimps, the lot of us.

Hot New Worry: Old-Fashioned Vote Fraud While we're all justifiably terrified of the fraud possibilities inherent in electronic voting, we shouldn't forget another profitable avenue of democracy-wrecking: screwing around with absentee ballots. The new popularity of absentee voting (26 states no longer require absentee voters to have a reason for not going to the polls) means there are new opportunities for fraud: since 2000, the federal government has convicted people of absentee vote fraud in 15 different cases. In addition, the military has begun handling absentee ballots in a different way: You can now vote via telephone or email, but in order to do so you have to provide your name and Social Security number to the company running the service, thus eliminating the secret ballot that's a basic cornerstone of democracy. You will no doubt be stunned to learn that the company operating this service for the military is owned by a prominent Republican fundraiser.

They Say "Coincidence"...They Say "An Act of God" Ralph Nader is on the ballot in Florida, despite a court order postponing a decision on the matter, because the Reform Party doesn't actually qualify as a national party under Florida election law. Dawn Roberts, the Republican official in charge of elections in Florida, oddly says that Hurricane Ivan "forced my hand." She also says that since she's ruled, there's no need for the court to have a hearing on the matter, which is scheduled for Wednesday. Anyone familiar with our nation's system of checks and balances has already thrown up on their keyboard.

Iran Invasion Watch: Day 40 The US government has refused to rule out an attack on Iran, giving us all an exciting preview of what we can expect for spring 2006: Another Persian Gulf quagmire. Huzzah!

-Consider Arms

Monday, September 13, 2004

Teri ma ki bund mein chaarpai bichhake teri bhen ko chodun.

Saddam bin Whatever The "Less Filling or Tastes Great" debate of our time rages on. The Bush administration: "Devilishly Clever or Bumbling Stupid?" In a speech to the National Press Club on Friday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld confused Osama bin Laden with Saddam Hussein not once, but twice. "Saddam Hussein, if he's alive, is spending a whale of a lot of time trying to not get caught. And we've not seen him on a video since 2001."

Bedtime For Civility A Tennessee woman was fired from her job at a factory for having a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on her car and nothing else. Maybe instead of trying to force legal action to change the hyper-religious name of "Hot Cross Buns," suing Saint Paul Minnesota to change its name or whatever other bullshit they're doing, the ACLU should get on top of civil rights violations that matter, like this.

What The Fuck Is So Bad In Lithuania? Here's a pleasant factoid for the day. Suicide kills more people than war with at least one side every forty seconds, and 10-20 million attempts every year.

Rowboat Veterans For Truth

-The Sikh Geek will be gone for the next two weeks

Friday, September 10, 2004

Like A Donkey Eating A Waffle

Call It Karma, Bitch. A Florida (where the fuck else?) man was charged with felony animal cruelty after one of the seven puppies he was trying to shoot made a .38 revolver discharge, shooting him in the wrist.

Did You Count My Paper Route Mister Vice President? Don't worry America, despite lost jobs and a record deficit, the economy is doing better than we thought. Just ask Dick Cheney, who said in Ohio on Thursday that economic indicators don't count important factors, such as the people who make money on eBay from the sale of items like this. It's not often that the MLWL gets its sarcastic thunder stolen by US Senators, but boy wonder and vice presidential candidate John Edwards quickly responded to Cheney with the statement, "If we only included bake sales and how much money kids make at lemonade stands, this economy would really be cooking."

Damnit People! They Will Turn On Their Human Masters!

-The Sikh Geek, out of the underground bunker and briefly coming up for air

Thursday, September 09, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The Daily Wrangle With Blogger.

Body Dump August was the bloodiest month yet for the United States military in Iraq, with 66 Americans killed and more than 1,100 wounded. And yet, until the death toll went over the magical 1,000 number this month, you didn't hear a whole lot about that, nor about the fact that 14 Americans have already been killed this month. But hey, who cares about Iraq, right? It's much more important to discuss the Vietnam War and its implications for America.

The President of the World As Billy Bragg once pointed out, when Americans choose a president, they're really choosing a president for everyone else, since the decisions made in the White House have far-reaching implications for so many people in the world. Sadly, the rest of the world can't vote in our elections. But if they could, it's probably fair to say that they would make a better choice that the mayonnaise sandwich-eating yokels gearing up to vote for George W. Bush because "he ain't no queer": According to a poll in 35 countries, the rest of the world favors Kerry by a more than two-to-one margin.

This is Such a Bad Idea Hey, now there's a new nuclear terror on the Korean peninsula: Apparently South Korea is busily (and secretly) working on its own nuclear weapons program, although the government denies that experiments to enrich uranium four years ago were designed to produce bombs. Sure.

Thanks, Asshole! An Ohio family expressed their anger at "President" Bush following the death of a family member in Iraq by putting a sign on their lawn that says, "Thanks, Mr. Bush, for the Death of Our Son." Well, you see folks, the reason he had to die was because of the weapons of mass destruction, and, uh...tremendous threat to American security...ahem, and of course...terrible human rights violations...I'm just going to go now.

The Bush Doctrine, Russian-Style Following the slaughter of more than 350 at the Beslan school in North Ossetia, the Russian government is now announcing that it will carry out "pre-emptive strikes on terrorist bases anywhere in the world." Hey, wasn't this our terrible idea? Although I should say that I don't think Russia is going to invade Lebanon anytime soon, I would be pretty nervous if I were living in one of those former Soviet republics in Central Asia.

-Consider Arms

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Enough Vietnam, Already.

Vote for Bush or We Will Destroy You When the civil war in Sierra Leone ended in 2001, the RUF, which had ruthlessly prosecuted one of the most brutal wars in human history, turned into a political party and ran in the UN-supervised elections on the slogan "Only the RUF Can Guarantee Peace." The thinly-veiled subtext was, Vote for the RUF or we'll go back to fighting. With that in mind, here's a story about Vice-President Dick Cheney arguing that if John Kerry wins the election, America will be hit by terrorists even worse than on September 11.

Alan Keyes Gets a Big Endorsement Ah, to be a newspaper reporter in Illinois this year. Alan Keyes, the Maryland resident running against Barack Obama for Senate, has announced that Christ would not vote for Obama, were He a registered voter in the state of Illinois. He also called Obama "a socialist and a liar," and spent one news conference giving an in-depth examination of the word "spanking," somehow tying it in to slavery. This is perhaps the most fun in any Senate campaign in U.S. history.

The Moderate Face of the Republican Party Here's an interesting wrap-up of last week's big GOP hoedown, and the lengths the national media went to in order to portray it as a gathering of moderates. If there had been an equivalent at the Democratic National Convention of Donnie McClurkin, who said that "homosexuals are trying to kill our children," or Sherri Drew, who compared gay marriage to National Socialism (both of whom spoke at the RNC), what would the press have done? I'm guessing they would have collectively shit themselves and talked about how John Kerry was being used by extremists.

But the Saudis are Our Friends! Florida Senator Bob Graham is charging in a new book that the Bush administration covered up evidence that would have shown the Saudi government provided aid to at least two of the 19 hijackers from September 11. Graham is the former chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, so it seems like he's in a position to have credible information on the subject.

Hurray for Bad News! This is pretty hilarious. The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office reported yesterday that the federal budget deficit this year will be $422 billion, the highest it's ever been. But the White House actually says this is good news, because it's less than the $445 billion deficit they expected. That's right: The White House is celebrating news of the largest budget deficit in U.S. history. Weren't the Republicans the party of fiscal responsibility? Truly, we are through the looking-glass.

-Consider Arms

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Still Feeling the Zell-mania.

New York State of Mind: Petty, Cowardly In what this Knight-Ridder columnist calls "the most vile, the most despicable act of unsportsmanlike conduct ever committed by a professional sports franchise," the Yankees are asking the baseball commissioner's office to declare a forfeit because the Tampa Bay Devil Rays couldn't make it to New York yesterday for the first half of a doubleheader. Those astute Weather Channel fans among you might be able to imagine a reason why it would be difficult for anyone in Tampa Bay to make punctual travel arrangements. Those astute ESPN fans among you, meanwhile, might conclude that the reason the Yankees are crying like bitches in an effort to get a forfeiture is because their 10.5 game lead over the Red Sox has shrunk to 2.5 in two weeks.

The Mayhem Sweepstakes: Iraq Edition Seven Marines were killed Monday in a suicide bombing attack in Iraq, the largest death toll among U.S. forces in five months. People who talk about "the solution" to the Iraq crisis should take special note. This is "the solution": permanent U.S. occupation of the country, while American soldiers and Iraqi citizens are killed in a slow, steady accumulation.

The Mayhem Sweepstakes: Israel Edition Not to be outdone by senseless bloodshed in Iraq, Israeli airstrikes in Gaza killed at least 14 Palestinians identified as militants in retaliation for a Hamas suicide bombing that killed 16. The Palestinian Prime Minister (the moderate in this situation, remember) has said that "there will be retaliation, and it will be justified." At this rate, this is going to end only when the last Palestinian, a suicide bomber, and the last Israeli, a helicopter gunship pilot, manage to kill each other.

The Mayhem Sweepstakes: Russia Edition What happens if terrorism wins the War on Terrorism? In the wake of the hideous school hostage taking that left at least 335 dead, Russian President Vladimir Putin is ruling out talks with Chechen separatists, ensuring that more than 100,000 Russian troops will continue to occupy the country, which in turn ensures that there will be more terrorist outrages in Russia. Putin has turned this to shrewd political advantage: As he was originally elected on a pledge to end the war in Chechnya, by declining to end that war he can essentially run the same campaign again and again.

The Moronic Leading the Moronic And all this time, we thought we were condescending to HIM: According to White House Chief of Staff Andy Card (he of the "no new products in August" gaffe about the Iraq war), George Bush thinks of the United States "as we think of a 10-year-old child." Given all that Bush has done to this country both at home and overseas, does that make him a child molester?

-Consider Arms

Friday, September 03, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Four More Years! Four More Years!...Without the Olympics.

Weather Kicks Our Asses 2.5 million people have been asked to evacuate their homes in Florida as the state braces for the second category four hurricane in less than a month. It's hard to be a dick about something like a massive hurricane (the last one, the ineptly-spelled Hurricane Charley, killed 27 people), so I won't. If you're in Florida, I hope you're okay.

Voodoo Will Win This One, Even if Relief Pitching Doesn't This one is for Marcus-Marcus: Red Sox fans, consulting the inscrutable events of the world like a bunch of oracles at Delphi, belief that the dread Curse of the Bambino may have been broken this season in an odd coincidence. A teenager who lives at Babe Ruth's old house was attending a game at Fenway Park when he got beaned with a foul ball (and lost two teeth). Is this a sign from the baseball gods that the curse is over? I don't know, but I was just tickled pink to see the Yankees lose 22-0.

RNC Wrap-up Special #1: Zell Miller, Act Like a Bitch and Get Treated Like a Bitch What's the matter, Zell? Your new friends not as accomodating as you'd hoped? Miller, the "Democratic" Senator and former chief of staff for Lester Maddox (the axe-wielding last segregationist governor in America), gave a crazed performance at the keynote address on Wednesday. As I predicted, it has backfired: In the face of immediate criticism, the Bushies are now kicking Miller to the curb. The charge was led by dragon lady Laura Bush, who dissed Miller on TV early Thursday; by last night, Miller and his wife were quietly dropped from the list of people who would get to watch Bush's speech from the president's private VIP box. Now, the Republicans are saying that Miller "spoke only for himself." Really? The guy who delivered the keynote address at your convention spoke only for himself? That's certainly a novel way of doing things.

RNC Wrap-Up Special #2: At Least We Don't Have to Worry About a Jenna Bush Presidency The reviews are in: Everybody in America hated the Bush twins' speech on Tuesday as much as I did. Even Karl Rove: "Whoever approved this, I'm going to put on a slow boat to China," the Roveinator said. That would be longtime Bush aide Karen Hughes, who didn't only approve the performance, but actually wrote it herself, including cringe-inducing references to Sex & the City, Bono, and the president and first lady "shaking it like a Polaroid." I'm so glad that, if so much has changed in America, at least we can be relied upon to loathe spoiled rich people when they reveal themselves to us in all their hideousness.

RNC Wrap-Up Special #3: West, Toward All Darkness So Bush and Cheney have spoken, the protests have happened, the stories have been written, and still the most memorable thing about this convention is the intense, vitriolic hatred the Republicans expressed for America. They hate our stubbornness, our unwillingness to dream the great dreams of empire, and most of all they hate us for not being what they want us to be: docile, quiet servants of the ruling class. Gazing on the nihilist abyss that was the GOP convention, a New York Times columnist gets it right: "But the vitriol also reflects the fact that many of the people at that convention, for all their flag-waving, hate America. They want a controlled, monolithic society; they fear and loathe our nation's freedom, diversity and complexity." This election is about those of us who respect our nation, its laws, and its traditions, and those who despise those things and seek to wreck them. Want proof? Read the papers. Hell, read this story about how a Republican company is eliminating secret ballots for voters in the military, and refuses to submit to public scrutiny. "I will not allow the public to invade the privacy of the employees" of the company, the CEO - who has donated thousands to Bush - says. This is what Nov. 2 comes down to: "the public" - that is, the people, the citizens, the res publica - against the presumed ability of private companies to treat us like dopes, servants, and canon fodder. Don't let them.

-Consider Arms

Thursday, September 02, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Demand Satisfaction.

Zelltdown If you thought that "Democratic" Senator and former Lester Maddox chief of staff Zell Miller's keynote address at the GOP convention was a littly nutty, you should have seen him on CNN and Hardball. After facing a volley of tough questions (like: Why is there a speech by Miller praising John Kerry from two years ago still on Miller's web site?), Zell flipped out, screaming "Shut up! Shut up!" at Chris Matthews and actually wishing he could challenge Matthews to a duel. Finally, Miller, who was on Hardball via satellite link, kept saying he wished he could be in the studio with Matthews so "I could get all up in your face." Thanks for that, Method Man. (bonus: If you scroll down on this link, you'll see that Mick Huckabee, Republican governor of Arkansas, plays bass in a band called Capitol Offense)

When in Doubt, Make Shit Up The English language, unfortunately, is inadequate to express the depths of sleaze to which the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" have descended. Each day brings fresh evidence that these people have forfeited their status as humans, and have become mere marionettes for evil reptile brains. There is perhaps a word in Mongolian that roughly translates as "the skin on a lizard's balls when he scrapes against fresh shit left by a camel," but no matter. Today's lowpoint: As many as one quarter of all the 300 signatures of Swift Boat sailors appended to the group's ads blasting John Kerry are forgeries.

None Dare Call it Treason 2K4 Here's a fascinating story about an FBI probe into whether or not prominent neoconservatives serving in government posts - including Richard Perle, Douglas Feith, and Paul Wolfowitz - illegally passed classified information to pro-Israel lobbying groups, which in turn passed it on to the Israeli government. Apparently, it's part of a wider investigation into the leaking of military and technological information to Israel, which Israel has in turn sold to Russia and China, along with other countries.

Bush: We Must Surrender to Our New Islamic Masters I just couldn't resist pointing out how hilarious it is that Bush told Matt Lauer that we can't win the war on terror, and then a day later hastily announced that we will win it. He's like Samuel Beckett: We can't win, we must win, we will win. And they call Kerry a "flip-flopper"?

Calm Down, Damn It Joshua Marshall has a good post on the tendency among Democrats lately to panic about John Kerry and insist that there has to be "a major shakeup" before "it's too late." As Marshall points out, the race is still at a dead heat, where it's been for weeks. Plus, there are nine weeks until election day, which means three debates, etc. Relax, people.

-Consider Arms

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Can't Leave Blogging Alone, the Game Needs Me.

WHAT A FUCKING JOKE It was for this that the farmers of Lexington and Concord went out on the morning of April 19, 1775 to confront the armies of the king. It was for this that Col. Joshua Chamberlain and the men of the 20th Maine stood against the storm of Pickett's charge at Little Round Top. It was for this that the men of the United Auto Workers occupied the GM plants in Flint for the right to organize a union. So that an Austrian son of a Nazi could stand before a political convention at Madison Square Garden and call critics "girlie men." Still, on the bright side, this speech includes the first time in the history of human civilization that someone has compared hearing Richard Nixon speak to "a breath of fresh air."

Meanwhile, On Planet Earth... While Rudy "The Lisping Failure" Giuliani is busy comparing Bush to Churchill and Roosevelt (why not just compare him to Superman and Green Lantern?) and talking about how America has been made safe, the casualties in Bush's Iraq war are now approaching 1,000 dead and 7,000 wounded. During the Falklands War, Crass wrote a song about Margaret Thatcher called "How Does It Feel to Be the Mother of A Thousand Dead?" Last night, watching the Girls Gone Wild Bush twins giggle about being drunk bar sluts, I gained some insight on how it feels to be the daughter of a pampered yokel.

Your Name is a Curse on the Lips of Millions At least one good thing has come out of the Republican occupation of the NYC: hundreds of thousands of protesters have mobilized, reminding the Stetson-clad GOP storm troopers that they don't belong in the big city and aren't welcome. Compare the anemic show of lefty protest in Boston with the hundreds of thousands of marchers, demonstrators, legal observers, and pissed-off New Yorkers now expressing their outrage that the GOP has engendered by coronating King George in the Big Apple.

It Wasn't a Bad Year for Everyone The average pay of CEOs went up about 9 percent last year, according to Business Week - but not for CEOs who outsourced jobs. The pay of the CEOs at the 50 firms that outsourced the most jobs went up an astonishing 46 percent in 2003, compared to a 2 percent increase for the average American worker (I helped bring that number down by getting a 0.0 percent raise). Another awesome statistic from George Bush's America.

Wednesday's Theme: Hatred and Vilification of Our Enemies The GOP has been pulling a real bait-and-switch at the convention, putting moderates up to speak in prime time while allowing the real nutjobs three-minute slots during the day. Case in point: If you had watched last night and didn't know anything about the Republican Party, you'd think they were about civil rights, immigrants, and not blowing a fuse when your bar slut daughters get bounced from a Yale bar for using a fake ID. It's worth watching C-SPAN to see the other side, though. Like convention speaker Sheri Drew, who compares supporters of gay marriage to German supporters of Adolf Hitler before World War II. Drew says that "it may seem a bit extreme to imply a comparison between the atrocities of Hitler and what is happening in terms of contemporary threats against the family - but maybe not." Maybe not: the moderate face of the Republican Party.

-Consider Arms, apologies for the absence, but I had to tunnel my way out of a free speech zone