TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Demand Satisfaction.

Zelltdown If you thought that "Democratic" Senator and former Lester Maddox chief of staff Zell Miller's keynote address at the GOP convention was a littly nutty, you should have seen him on CNN and Hardball. After facing a volley of tough questions (like: Why is there a speech by Miller praising John Kerry from two years ago still on Miller's web site?), Zell flipped out, screaming "Shut up! Shut up!" at Chris Matthews and actually wishing he could challenge Matthews to a duel. Finally, Miller, who was on Hardball via satellite link, kept saying he wished he could be in the studio with Matthews so "I could get all up in your face." Thanks for that, Method Man. (bonus: If you scroll down on this link, you'll see that Mick Huckabee, Republican governor of Arkansas, plays bass in a band called Capitol Offense)

When in Doubt, Make Shit Up The English language, unfortunately, is inadequate to express the depths of sleaze to which the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" have descended. Each day brings fresh evidence that these people have forfeited their status as humans, and have become mere marionettes for evil reptile brains. There is perhaps a word in Mongolian that roughly translates as "the skin on a lizard's balls when he scrapes against fresh shit left by a camel," but no matter. Today's lowpoint: As many as one quarter of all the 300 signatures of Swift Boat sailors appended to the group's ads blasting John Kerry are forgeries.

None Dare Call it Treason 2K4 Here's a fascinating story about an FBI probe into whether or not prominent neoconservatives serving in government posts - including Richard Perle, Douglas Feith, and Paul Wolfowitz - illegally passed classified information to pro-Israel lobbying groups, which in turn passed it on to the Israeli government. Apparently, it's part of a wider investigation into the leaking of military and technological information to Israel, which Israel has in turn sold to Russia and China, along with other countries.

Bush: We Must Surrender to Our New Islamic Masters I just couldn't resist pointing out how hilarious it is that Bush told Matt Lauer that we can't win the war on terror, and then a day later hastily announced that we will win it. He's like Samuel Beckett: We can't win, we must win, we will win. And they call Kerry a "flip-flopper"?

Calm Down, Damn It Joshua Marshall has a good post on the tendency among Democrats lately to panic about John Kerry and insist that there has to be "a major shakeup" before "it's too late." As Marshall points out, the race is still at a dead heat, where it's been for weeks. Plus, there are nine weeks until election day, which means three debates, etc. Relax, people.

-Consider Arms