You Don't Give Top-Hats To Monkeys. Monkeys Don't Wear Top-Hats.

From The "Just 19 Men Armed With Box-Cutters" Department It's frightening when our world of PDAs and WI-FI can be toppled with crude, lo-tech devices. A story last week revealed that Kryptonite bike locks were easily picked with a common, disposable Bic pen. Now it has come out that locking gun cabinets can be easily unlocked with the same 10-cent pens. Said one father in Iowa, "I had run home for lunch and was in a hurry... Within 30 seconds, I was into the safe with that pen."

Well, At Least Cat Fucking Stevens Won't Be On That Plane Next To The Smuggled Knives And Explosives This story might have slipped under the radar with all of the Cat Stevens hysteria. (Yes, hysteria. I heard radio "personalities" in the Midwest calling for his beheading.) During tests at 15 airports in 2003, undercover agents were able to successfully smuggle guns knives and boxcutters past airport security.

The Unintentional Political Metaphor of the Week Thanks to a lack of national health care, a disparity of wealth and a steady diet of Atkins and shitty junk food, Americans are shrinking. Literally. We're getting shorter (and simultaneously fatter) while our counterparts in Europe are chomping on Meuslix and getting taller.

We Call You Crazy Because You Are Crazy Sinead O'Conner who: spent the eighties and early ninteis with a shaved head, caused an uproar by rufusing to play a US concert date if the national anthem was played at it, ripped up a photograph of the Pope on national TV while calling him "the real enemy," publically gabbed about her claims of an abusive childhood, delared herself a priest named "Mother Bernadette Mary" through a break-away Catholic sect and came out to all of Ireland loudly carrying the banner for the national problem of head lice (while calling for a "national delousing day"). has now taken out a full-page ad in an Irish newspaper asking the people of Ireland to stop calling her crazy and weird.

Like The October Surprise, But Wih Lactose A senior economic advisor at the USDA is under fire for suggesting that milk prices be kept high through the election to gain votes for W in key dairy-producing midwestern swing states.

-The Sikh Geek