TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others.

If Knives Are Outlawed, Only 1950s Teen Delinquents Will Have Knives British lawmakers are considering heeding a call from a nationwide physicians' lobby to ban kitchen knives, which doctors say are used in half the stabbings in the country. To think, this wussiest of countries once conquered half the known world.

Movie Execs Fear Shrinking Attendance Could Be Permanent God, please let it be so.

Pentagon Confirms Koran 'Mishandling' Okay, so is Newsweek going to retract their retraction? Also, I'm still waiting for the FBI or the Pentagon to deny a single torture allegation. Anyone? Gentlemen?

Ohio GOP Fundraiser 'Lost' $12 Million in Public Investment Funds Invested in rare coins, no less. The people of Ohio are frankly lucky that the state pension plan wasn't sunk into magic beans.

Schwarzenegger Blasted For 'Product Placement' in Political Ads Some of the California governor's education ads have prominently featured Pepsi products; Pepsi is a major contributor to Schwarzenegger, and also one of the companies that would be affected if the governor ever made good on his threat to get junk food out of schools. Surprised, California? Well, you shouldn't be, because YOU ELECTED A MAN WHOSE PREVIOUS JOB WAS PRETENDING TO BE A MURDEROUS ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE.

France Set to Vote 'Non' This Weekend If French voters reject the new EU constitution, it could spell the end of Jacques Chirac's unpopular government and weaken the country's position in Europe.

Satirical Bush Posters Torn Down in California High School Posters promoting a school play that featured a caricature of the president with a Groucho Marx-style mustache and cigar were taken down after a single student complained. Officially, the school says the posters were removed because they "promoted smoking."

Americans Are Either Cynical or Retarded: Poll A USA Today/Gallup/CNN poll this week showed that George Bush's approval ratings, at around 46 percent, are the lowest since his "election" in 2000. Moreover, huge majorities disapprove of his positions on Iraq, the economy, Social Security, and foreign affairs. And yet fully 52 percent of the public thinks Bush "has the personality and leadership qualities a president should have." Either Americans are retards, or they are cynical to a extent no one has previously imagined.

-Consider Arms, Who Is Soon to Be Decamping from the Blue States to the Red States for a Much-Needed Vacation