Thursday, April 28, 2005

Today's Top News: The Filibuster Is Over! We're Back!

Security: Seize These Impudent Peasants! Things continue to look bad for Rep. Tom "The Bug Man" DeLay, R-Tex. Last night, the House voted to repeal new ethics rules it had adopted earlier this year specifically to protect the ethics-averse majority leader from facing prosecution for any acts committed while in office. DeLay, while stalking off in anger, told reporters looking for a quote, "You guys better get out of my way! Where's my security?"

Bigfoot Emerges to Defend Social Security Liquidation The press-shy President George W. Bush is planning his first press conference of the year for tonight at 8:30 p.m., specifically to focus on his plan to eliminate Social Security, a plan that has led to record-low approval ratings for the embattled chief exec. Also likely to come up: the top U.S. general in Iraq announcing this week that the insurgency remains undiminished in its capacity to wreak havoc, and has even gained ground.

Read the Secret Service's files on ace reporter/gay prostitute/softball player Jeff Gannon/J.D. Guckert. Nothing sexy, sadly, but a lot of interesting factoids like: Gannon would frequently be checked into the White House on days when no press events were scheduled.

Iraqi PM picks new cabinet; Sunnis slighted, but an old familiar face. Embezzler, Iranian spy, and longtime MLWL favorite, Ahmad "The Man of Cats" Chalabi is the new Iraqi Minister of Oil! Shut out: former interim PM Iyad Allawi's Sunni party, which got none of 37 Cabinet posts.

State Department releases new statisics on world terrorism: every indicator has increased. The number of attacks went from 175 in 2003 to 675 in 2004, and the number of people killed went from 651 to 1,907. Keep in mind that these numbers don't include insurgent activity in Iraq. Don't worry though, because "senior officials said the threefold increase was a result of changes in methodology and urged reporters at a hastily called briefing not to compare this year's terrorism numbers with previous ones."

Schwarzenegger approval ratings fall below Gray Davis' Quick! Recite another inane catchphrase from one of your stupid movies!

Motley Crue offers $10K reward for missing fan. What budget cuts hath wrought: We're now outsourcing police jobs to over-the-hill hair metal bands.

- Consider Arms