Monday, April 12, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: What's Cooler Than Being Cool?

Command Failure on the Bounty! Well, we've gone from vowing to crush all resistance in the city of Fallujah to negotiating cease-fire terms with the insurgents. Here's part of the reason why: our Iraqi sepoys refuse to fight other Iraqis. Yes, a battalion of the new Iraqi army refused to go to Fallujah, saying they didn't sign up to fight their fellow countrymen. A US officer, though, assures us that this isn't mutiny, merely "command failure." A phrase soon to join "wardrobe malfunction" in our official lexicon of shame, no doubt.

The Easter Bunny Goes to Texas Making his first appearance at a military facility where the subject of dead troops might come up, Bush spent Easter Sunday in Fort Hood, Texas, which has lost 9 soldiers in the last week. He even got in a classic Bush malapropism: "Every day I pray there is less casualty," he said, ungrammatically. That's funny: I every day I pray there is less chance he will win the election in November.

I Think the Pressure May Be Getting to Him Jeff Skilling, the former Enron CEO who is facing a huge federal corruption rap, was taken into custody over the weekend after racing around two New York City bars, accosting patrons by grabbing their clothes and shouting, "You're an FBI agent and you're following me!" Ken Lay, behold your future.

Apparently, There Was Indeed No Blood for Oil You know, if this batty war in Iraq was really about oil, when are gas prices going to come down? Prices are up 2.5 cents a gallon on average over the last two weeks, and are expected to climb an additional 5 cents by July 4th. The bad news is that this means people who use their cars a lot will have to pay more. The good news is that discontent over gas prices could help force Bush out of office in November. Frankly, I'm willing to pay French prices for gas if it means we inaugurate President Kerry in January.

You Want to Party? We Can Party With These Shiites You know, these motherfuckers are OK. This is taken from the Ayatollah Al-Sistani's web site, where the senior cleric provides helpful answers to questions asked by Muslims all over the world. In this question, the sayyid says it's okay to have oral sex ("provided that no liquid gets into the mouth"... I'm having Starr Report flashbacks). If you'll search the site, as I did, you'll also find out that anal sex is okay, but "undesirable."

-Consider Arms