Thursday, April 01, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Mars Needs Women.

Jon Lovitz, Prophet Remember Jon Lovitz' habitual liar character on Saturday Night Live? Apparently, the Bush White House does, because they lie about anything , including shit that doesn't make sense to lie about. Like this: the David Letterman show gets a tape of Bush giving a speech in Florida at which a kid, standing on the stage behind the prez, is clearly bored out of his mind. CNN plays the clip, then later reports that the White House has called them to say that the kid wasn't at the rally, and that the Letterman show edited him in. Bullshit, says Letterman. So a little later, CNN reports that the White House has called them again , and said that, while the kid was at the rally, he was not standing behind Bush. Bullshit, Letterman says again. So now, the White House denies that they ever called CNN! Again, Letterman calls them on it, and today they admitted that, yes, they called CNN. While this is hardly the worst lie the scumbags have told, it shows perfectly how totally pathological this administration is: They are literally incapable of telling the truth about even the simplest detail imaginable. If these motherfuckers say it's sunny outside, get your umbrella.

Death Wish 12: Killer Jesus The 12th and presumably final novel in the mega-selling "Left Behind" series presents the reader with an interesting spectacle: Jesus the General, laying waste to the armies of the unsaved. Hey, there's a Muslim tradition that has Jesus returning at the end of the world to rid the world of Jews, Christians, and pigs, so I guess there's precedent for this kind of crazy bullshit.

It's All Right, Ma, I'm Only Being Evacuated According to the Pentagon, in the 12 months since our great imperial misadventure began in Iraq, there have been over 18,000 medical evacuations from the theater. This includes everything from serious illness not necessarily acquired because of the war (like cancer) to people with limbs blown off by improvised explosive devices. As Brit Hume might say, though, all those thousands of US military personnel who were evacuated are a bunch of pussies (see yesterday's Top Five for an explanation of the Fox News dirtbag's interesting view on the grief of military families).

Those Don't Sound Like Basque Names to Me Arrest warrants have been issued for the six men believed responsible for the Madrid train bombing: One is a Tunisian, five are Moroccan, all are suspected members of the Moroccan Islamic Combat Group. That's funny, as recently as two weeks ago our vaunted intelligence services were still saying that it was possible the Basque ETA was behind the bombings. Hey, aren't you intelligence folks the geniuses that prevented 9/11? Oh, right.

Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy to Testify Before 9/11 Panel I can't believe this news hasn't gotten more notice (including notice from the MLWL: I've been so excited about Prince's tour that it just slipped my mind), but in addition to Condi Rice finally agreeing to go before the 9/11 panel, America's favorite comedy team, George W. Bush and Destro Cheney, will do the same. However, there's a catch: Bush and Destro will get to (a) meet with the commission in private, (b) not have to testify under oath, and (c) testify together. That's right: The buddy system is in full effect in Washington, because the White House is so terrified of leaving the semi-literate Bush alone with the 9/11 panel for any length of time.

-Consider Arms