Wednesday, April 28, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Negroponte "Sailing Through Confirmation Hearings." How's Your Week Going?

The Buddy System At Work Tomorrow, one of American political history's more shameful recent episodes will unfold in secret before the 9/11 investigation panel. George Bush, who is not allowed to cross the street unless he is holding someone's hand, will appear before the panel to answer questions along with his vice-president, Destro. As per the request of the White House, no recording of this session will be made, either electronically or by hand. Gee, you don't think they're afraid of something, do you?

Sharon: "The Pope is Catholic" Murderous glandular monstrosity and Israeli PM Ariel Sharon has announced that the "road map to peace" designed in part by the US, a plan that would have led to a Palestinian state by 2005, is dead. In addition to this announcement, the death of the plan was heralded by targeted assassinations, a unilateral plan to annex West Bank land, and the fact that no one in the Middle East ever paid any attention to it whatsoever.

Putin Urges Return to Old-Fashioned Values, Purges Vladimir Putin is backing a bill in the Russian parliament that would essentially prohibit all public assemblies that do not have the written permission of the government. In addition to this, he has shut down newspapers and TV stations that critcize the government, jailed his enemies and nationalized their assets, and waged a remorselessly brutal war in Chechnya. Shouldn't they just throw in the towel and switch back to the old hammer and sickle flag? The Olympics are certainly in dire need of some Cold War-style drama.

Soon to be Renamed "The Monster Reagan WebReagan" Supporters of infirm tyrant Ronald Reagan are carrying on their mad plan to rename everything in the country after the doddering union-buster (who, you'll recall, once sold weapons to the Islamist regime in Iran in order to fund a Central American terrorist group... by today's post-9/11 foreign policy standards, we would have to go to war with Reagan if he were still president). Next up, following the Washington national airport, and, they hope, the ten cent piece: a Colorado college scheduled to open in 2010. Ironically, the college named for a man who famously bragged about never getting higher grades than C's will have strict admissions guidelines, only considering students with an SAT score over 1400. My SAT score was 1310, meaning I am too dumb to get into Reagan University: I will spend the remainder of the day puzzling over this unexpected insult.

Oh God, Is This Truly the Only Universe I Can Exist In? Leibniz was sooo wrong when he said this was the best of all possible worlds. To wit: The Bush administration has been totally reckless with both the truth and admitting it's obvious mistakes. . . except when it comes to Pottery Barn, god dammit! In Bob Woodward's book, Colin Powell is quoted as referring to "the Pottery Barn rule" for our invasion of Iraq: "If you break it, you own it." However, angry Pottery Barn execs point out that this is not their rule, and Powell actually went on Nightline to clarify! Read this and try to imagine that you're living in a world run by adults. Another note: the root of this whole stupid thing is more inaccurate New York Times reporting!! Powell took the quote from neocon columnist Thomas Friedman, who now admits that he "read the Pottery Barn sign wrong." GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Can you people do anything right??

-Consider Arms