Monday, April 19, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Am God's Messenger. His Message: Cut Your Hair, Hippie.

Our Vengeful God Has Instructed Our Sacred Leader to Mangle His Grammar I don't know if any of you saw "60 Minutes" last night, but it was a hoot! That new Bob Wooward book about the run-up to war in Iraq is going to be spectacular. Among the jaw-droppers: Woodward got Bush to say on the record that he believes himself to be "a messenger of God's will" and that he has been "chosen by God" to "bring freedom to the world." Note: This is the craziest, wackiest shit any U.S. President has said, ever.

Vote For Bush Or We'll Shoot This Puppy That's essentially what inept bungler Condoleezza Rice is saying today: Terrorists are going to try to "influence the course of the election" this year like they supposedly did in Spain. However, Bob Woodward's book suggests another interesting possibility: Supposedly, Bush's pals the Saudis have promised to dramatically increase oil production before the election, causing the price of gas to plunge, which would help Bush get elected. This, coupled with Bush's "I'm on a mission from God" delusions, makes me want to vomit in terror.

Beware the Typhoon of Grudge-bearing and the Nor'Easter of Reprisal After Israel assassinated yet another Hamas leader this weekend, the fanatical terrorist group is now vowing to unleash "a volcano of revenge." Abdel Aziz Rantisi, who barely had time to order new Hamas stationery with his name on it following the assassination of Sheik Yassin three weeks ago, was considered a moderate because he believed "the destruction of the Jewish state could be left to future generations." I don't mean to be flippant, but exactly how devastating is this "volcano of revenge" supposed to be? I remember after Yassin's assassination they vowed to "open the gates of hell," and that pretty much turned out to be two guys in wet suits getting shot as soon as they showed up at an Israeli beach.

Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush! I've Found Evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the Middle East! Too bad they're in Israel. The Israeli nuclear scientist who blew the whistle on his country's illegal nuclear bomb program (he says the country has around 200 bombs; Israel cops to having zero) is about to begin an 18-year jail term for "treason." Hey, didn't we go to war to rid the world of a Middle Eastern regime that illegally possessed weapons of mass destruction? Hello?

It's Not Easy Being Cassandra Mark Shields, commandeering the Way Way Back Machine, has a good point: It's time to recognize that Howard Dean was right when he said, way way back in December, that the capture of Saddam Hussein wouldn't make America safer. At the time, remember, the country was outraged. Joe Lieberman said Dean had "climbed into his own spider hole"; one of the goons at the Wall Street Journal wrote that "It's not easy to cram so much idiocy, mendacity and arrogance into nine words. ... Dean's assertion is impossible to support rationally." This month, so far 99 Americans have been killed in Iraq. Yep. No rational support for Dean's comment.

-Consider Arms