TODAY'S TOP FIVE: We're Losing the Hispanophones.
It Never Happened, See? Continuing the federal government's gradual adoption of the Ministry of Truth's methods, the Pentagon has excised from its official records a comment that Donald Rumsfeld made to Bob Woodward about how the administration would give Saudi Arabia a "two months heads up" that the US was going to invade Iraq (note: Under the Constitution, such a "heads up" is illegal). It is as if the comment were never made, but take heart: If this were like Italo Calvino's story "The World Memory," Rumsfeld would now pull out a gun and shoot Woodward. So at least that hasn't happened. Yet.
Bush 3:16 Says "I Just Whupped Your Ass" Apparently, I'm not the only one who's creeped out by Bush's version of religion: this is an excellent Village Voice essay that makes the point that, while basically every other US president has brought God into politics at one time or another, no one has ever claimed to be God's messenger. Yet that's what Bush says: He told Woodward he's the "messenger of God's will" with an obligation to bring "the Almighty's gift of freedom" to "every man, woman, and child" in the world. This isn't run-of-the-mill US Christian rhetoric, people: These are the kind of words you hear spoken by a co-worker as you cower in the breakroom while he reloads.
Chaos in Basra Suicide bombers struck the Southern Iraqi Shiite stronghold today, killing at least 68 people. Officials in the city are blaming Al Qaeda, but have not yet offered any proof. Meanwhile in Iraq, the Dominican Republic and Taiwan have joined Spain and Honduras in departing from the "coalition of the willing."
Battle of the Wealthy, Aristocratic Yale Boys John Kerry raised $60 million in the first three months of 2004, shattering the previous record, which was held by George Bush. Meanwhile, in more good news for the good guys, the Bush campaign has spent over $50 million in March alone (including $40 million in TV ads) and has yet to significantly pull ahead of Kerry (most polls have Bush leading by numbers within the margin of error). $50 million and no effect: That's because people are starting to realize you're a dick, George.
We Must Conclude That Even Our Troops Hate Freedom Eventually, there will be no one left who loves freedom other than George, Condi, Rummy, and the New York Post: A leaked memo from a commander in Iraq details that even true believers in the war sense that it's going to get a lot worse in the country. "The Governance Group had assured Iraqis that their exclusion from the Governing Council did not mean an exclusion from the process. As it turns out, we lied. People from Kut, for example, see that they have no representation on the Governing Council, and many predict civil war since they doubt that the Governing Council will really allow elections." Oh, pish! Those Iraqis love us!
-Consider Arms
