TODAY'S TOP FIVE: More Agents on Castro than Bin Laden = Good Call.

If By "Mission" You Mean "Dreadful Quagmire With No End In Sight," Then Yes, It Truly Has Been Accomplished Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of George W. Bush appearing on the deck of an aircraft carrier wearing a flight suit to announce the end of the Iraq war. Statistics buffs will note that, in fact, May 1 2003 actually marked the end of the phase of the war where relatively few people got killed and ushered in the current phase, where quite a bit more people get killed.

Paul Wolfowitz, Mathlete Oh, like you never forgot something minor, like your aunt's birthday, or where you left your keys, or roughly how many Americans have needlessly died because of an insane foreign policy you helped create. Paul Wolfowitz, the number two man in the Pentagon, was asked this week by a Democratic congresswoman how many Americans have died in the Iraq war. "It's approximately 500, of which — I can get the exact numbers — approximately 350 are combat deaths," he responded. Ooh, sorry, Paul! Now you lose your chance at the lightning round! No, the correct answer is 727 deaths, exactly 521 of which came in combat (that's as of this afternoon). Hey, look, before you get all bent out of shape, Paul Wolfowitz is a busy man. He's got things to do, like plan the invasion of Iran. He can't get all bogged down in insignificant details how many people die as a result of his ideological wet dreams, so just back off, okay?

An Answer for the Sikh Geek Already! In his excellent post about our army's weird nude tortures, the Sikh Geek wondered what would happen when Arab stations pick up these disturbing images. Well, apparently we're going to find out: Al-Jazeera and Al-Arabiya both led their newscasts today with the footage. My guess: Muslims the world over see the footage, shrug, and switch over to "Everybody Loves Raymond." I'm George Bush and I approved the last sentence of this post.

I Went to Grad School With This Guy! Yes, during a dark and strange period of Consider Arms' life, he spent a semester of grad school at the University of Massachusetts. One of his fellow students was a fiery, intelligent left wing student from Puerto Rico named Rene Gonzalez, who has now made the national news by penning a column in the Daily Collegian calling Pat Tillman an idiot, or "pendejo." Rene has apparently gone "into hiding" as a result of the furor, which perhaps illustrates a valuable lesson for my old comrades in the grad department: The country is not Amherst.

Today's "Thank God It's Friday" Special
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Good news, troops! Now you can get patriotically-transmitted VD! This, in case you're keeping score, is the latest sign that Western civilization is in an irreversible decline.

-Consider Arms, Grad-School Dropout (Although Not Currently In Hiding)

Iraq Now Free To Have Occupying US Troops Beat Prisoners To Death and Produce Child Porn, A My Lai For My Times

Replacing Saddam's Rule of Humiliation and Torture With Our Own Rule of Humiliation and Torture The fallout from the evidence of the abuse Iraqi prisoners faced at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison at the hands of US troops is only beginning. Images from the torture are spreading across the internet and they are absolutely horrifying. Some of the exact acts that occured under Saddam's rule that we used to justify our invasion, were done by our own troops in the same prison. As reported by CBS News... "Part of the Army's own investigation is a statement from an Iraqi detainee who charges a translator - hired to work at the prison - with raping a male juvenile prisoner: 'They covered all the doors with sheets. I heard the screaming. ...and the female soldier was taking pictures.' There is also a picture of an Iraqi man who appears to be dead -- and badly beaten." While desperately-in-need-of-a-collective-cockpunchingFox News takes pains to describe the abuse as "alleged" (as if the above photo could have just been part of a NIN video shoot and nothing more), it's clear that the reaction from the foreign press will be howlingly scandalized, and I'm scared by what will happen when the Islamic Press gets a hold of these photos.

Now let's really wade in up to our elbows now, shall we? Why is the homoerotic torture and humiliation of captured troops such a regular occurance? Remember when John Walker Lindh ("The American Taliban") was captured in Afghanistan and later stripped naked by US soldiers, blindfolded, restrained and had the word "shithead" written on his body? Remember when US forces forced Iraqis accused of looting to strip naked and march through public, with one of them having an insult in Arabic written on his body? Maybe this bullshit is more than the barely contained homosexuality of the US Army and just has something to do with America and what makes us great. Witness today's article from a Virginia newspaper that descibes a mother who forced her son to rake leaves naked.

Pro-Choice Marches and The Teachers' Union Can Get Smeared With It, But Nobody Can Freak Out And Call The RIAA a Terrorist Organization? The RIAA is now in junior high schools having students do roleplaying exercises to understand in their souls the great evil that is file-swapping. I see pure evil in a lesson plan called "What's the Diff?: A Guide to Digital Citizenship" that makes a seventh-grade girl pretend to be a movie producer and say "I'm, like, losing my job, and maybe I, like, need that money for my family or something." Maybe this impoverished movie "producer" can wait in line for government cheese with Dr. Dre's starving kids...

G.I. Joe Was Also A Real American Hero Football star, dumb jock and recently adopted patron saint of the Fox News room, Pat Tillman, has just been posthumously promoted to corporal from specialist. "The Army always notes that rank and promotion are not a reward of what was done well, but a recognition that you have the potential to do more," said Army spokeswoman Martha Rudd. "This promotion is essentially saying he would have been a fine leader." The only problem is that a dead person can't really "do more" because they're, um, dead. But maybe I shouldn't laugh at the powers a dead man can wield. Remember, our current Attorney General lost to one in a Senate race.
P.S. The AZ Cardinals plan on retiring Tillman's jersey and rename the plaza surrounding the team's new stadium the "Pat Tillman Freedom Plaza." My balls hurt.

-The Sikh Geek

Special "We're All Wearing The Blue Dress Now Motherfuckers" Edition

Courtesy of FreewayBlogger.

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Don't Even Want to Know What the Santa Suits Were For.

Will We Never Tire of Being China's Trade Bitch? The Bush administration has decided not to complain about China's treatment of its workers and about its illegal (under international trade rules) practice of pegging the value of its currency, the yuan, at 8.28 to the dollar, which makes the cost of Chinese goods artificially low. Now, it's no surprise that the Bush gang doesn't give a fuck about Chinese workers - they don't care about American workers, either. But the total failure of nerve on the yuan is interesting, because the groups who wanted the White House to do something about it include major manufacturers' associations with a lot of pull in the Republican Party. My suspicion is that the White House realizes it is even more beholden to the Chinese government, which is the last major purchaser of US government bonds on earth (and therefore the entity that is doing more to keep our awash-in-debt government afloat than any other), than it is to the National Association of Manufacturers. The short version: We're so fucked.

Our Proud Heroes of Abu Ghraib Sixty Minutes should be interesting tonight, as the show will feature an investigative report on the court martial of US military personnel who ran the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad last year. The soldiers, and civilian employees of the US military not subject to military law, are charged with severe mistreatment of prisoners including torture and rape. The geniuses apparently took pictures of themselves beating prisoners, torturing them with dogs, and forcing naked Iraqis to have sex with each other (note: Why are there so many photos of American troops doing weird homoerotic things to prisoners in Afghanistan and Iraq? Apparently they made naked prisoners stack themselves in a pyramid, the way cheerleaders do, and then took pictures of it: If that's not suppressed homosexual urges expressing themselves in totally psychotic ways, I don't know what is). Apparently, the reservists who were in charge of the prison did not know that the Geneva Convention has rules for the treatment of POWs, and, in fact, had never seen a copy of the Geneva Convention until after they were arrested. The General in charge of the investigation asserts: “The Army is a values-based organization. We live by our values." I am not comforted.

Rampage of the Canyonero Another reason not to like sport utility vehicles: The number of US traffic deaths increased for the fifth straight year in 2003, with the number of SUV-related deaths increasing by an astonishing 10 percent over 2002 (nb: SUV sales also increased by 10 percent in 2003). More than half the fatalities occurred when the top-heavy behemoths rolled over, as they are prone to do, and more than two-thirds of SUV fatalities involved people who weren't wearing their safety belts. Hey, why would you need to? Those things are the safest automobiles on the road, right?

More Bad News A car bomb south of Baghdad killed eight American soldiers today, bringing today's death toll for US forces to 10. All told, 125 American soldiers have been killed this month, and God knows how many Iraqis.

The Imelda Marcos Memorial Government Credit Card Senate hearings this week have revealed that purchases using government credit cards have gone from $1 billion 10 years ago to $16 billion last year. What's that money being spent on? How about: a stuffed dear head, Santa suits, plastic surgery, cars, private businesses operated by government employees, ski clothes, and jewelry? Apparently, the vast majority of credit card purchases are never even investigated - in the case of the stuffed dear head, the Air Force employee who bought it wrote on the purchase voucher that it was to "educate airmen about local deer population," and no questions were asked. Me to government: Give me back my fucking money, you Santa suit-buying weirdos.

-Consider Arms

Population of Crawford, Texas: 705
Number of US Dead In Iraq As Of Last Friday: 707

Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss Of course, the Tehran TImes deserves a big grain of salt, but its coverage is interesting. I think the deposing of the Baathists only to quickly put them back in power would be better described as a "re-coup" or "a double reverse coup-kickflip."

But All The MLWL Hustlers Are Glad Just To See One Of Us Make It Fuck yeah! The Memory Hole, a damn fine website that tries to discover and preserve hidden and supressed information, scored a major media coup last week by getting photos of military coffins via a simple Freedom of Information request. Every major news outlet has covered the release of the photos and Russ Kick has gotten a huge surge in viewers with 4 to 5 million hits a day. Check out the Memory Hole's Blog here.

After Getting Drunk, Attending Basketball Riots and Studying For Their Business Exams, College Sophomores Go To Their "Downtrodden and Oppressed Workers of the Universe Unite!" Chapter Meetings I never thought a book's premise would be so ridiculous as to make me doubt the claim "the author, himself a college student," but here I am reading a summary of Ben Shapiro's "Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America's Youth" and I just can't believe he goes to an actual college. What colleges in America that you know of "are really dungeons of the mind that indoctrinate students to become socialists, atheists, race-baiters, and narcissists" and "allow only one view: a rabid brand of liberalism that must be swallowed hook, line, and sinker"? Only the colleges that exist in Ann Coulter's peroxide-tainted imagination.

Crunch The Number And The Numbers Crunch Back
71% "say the Administration’s policies have worsened the U.S.’s image in the Arab world. "
70% "don’t believe the Administration claims that the decision to go to war was made in March 2003."
61% "believe the Administration did not try hard enough to reach a diplomatic solution before going to war in Iraq ."
32% "say Iraq was a threat that required immediate military action a year ago. "

Finally, Somebody Probes The Doucheitude Of Kerry

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Negroponte "Sailing Through Confirmation Hearings." How's Your Week Going?

The Buddy System At Work Tomorrow, one of American political history's more shameful recent episodes will unfold in secret before the 9/11 investigation panel. George Bush, who is not allowed to cross the street unless he is holding someone's hand, will appear before the panel to answer questions along with his vice-president, Destro. As per the request of the White House, no recording of this session will be made, either electronically or by hand. Gee, you don't think they're afraid of something, do you?

Sharon: "The Pope is Catholic" Murderous glandular monstrosity and Israeli PM Ariel Sharon has announced that the "road map to peace" designed in part by the US, a plan that would have led to a Palestinian state by 2005, is dead. In addition to this announcement, the death of the plan was heralded by targeted assassinations, a unilateral plan to annex West Bank land, and the fact that no one in the Middle East ever paid any attention to it whatsoever.

Putin Urges Return to Old-Fashioned Values, Purges Vladimir Putin is backing a bill in the Russian parliament that would essentially prohibit all public assemblies that do not have the written permission of the government. In addition to this, he has shut down newspapers and TV stations that critcize the government, jailed his enemies and nationalized their assets, and waged a remorselessly brutal war in Chechnya. Shouldn't they just throw in the towel and switch back to the old hammer and sickle flag? The Olympics are certainly in dire need of some Cold War-style drama.

Soon to be Renamed "The Monster Reagan WebReagan" Supporters of infirm tyrant Ronald Reagan are carrying on their mad plan to rename everything in the country after the doddering union-buster (who, you'll recall, once sold weapons to the Islamist regime in Iran in order to fund a Central American terrorist group... by today's post-9/11 foreign policy standards, we would have to go to war with Reagan if he were still president). Next up, following the Washington national airport, and, they hope, the ten cent piece: a Colorado college scheduled to open in 2010. Ironically, the college named for a man who famously bragged about never getting higher grades than C's will have strict admissions guidelines, only considering students with an SAT score over 1400. My SAT score was 1310, meaning I am too dumb to get into Reagan University: I will spend the remainder of the day puzzling over this unexpected insult.

Oh God, Is This Truly the Only Universe I Can Exist In? Leibniz was sooo wrong when he said this was the best of all possible worlds. To wit: The Bush administration has been totally reckless with both the truth and admitting it's obvious mistakes. . . except when it comes to Pottery Barn, god dammit! In Bob Woodward's book, Colin Powell is quoted as referring to "the Pottery Barn rule" for our invasion of Iraq: "If you break it, you own it." However, angry Pottery Barn execs point out that this is not their rule, and Powell actually went on Nightline to clarify! Read this and try to imagine that you're living in a world run by adults. Another note: the root of this whole stupid thing is more inaccurate New York Times reporting!! Powell took the quote from neocon columnist Thomas Friedman, who now admits that he "read the Pottery Barn sign wrong." GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Can you people do anything right??

-Consider Arms

It's Been A Bad Week Kevin Spacey. Really.

And By "Sovereignty" We Mean You Can't Even Choose Your Own Flag We can't even get a piece of cloth right. The Coalition Authority has redesigned the Iraqi flag, apparently without asking anyone who would be under the flag. The new flag looks vaguely similar to the Israeli flag (and you can imagine THAT didn't go over well) and has caused insurgents to rally behind the old Iraqi flag and turn it into a powerful symbol against US forces.

I Would Expect No More From The Rag That Pimped "Dizee Rascal" Short, hysterical rant from the Village Voice about how the Dems should dump Kerry and look for someone else. Dude, it's APRIL. Why isn't this man working for a Washington thinktank already?

From The State That Brought You Rodney King "San Joaquin County prosecutors acted reasonably by not criminally charging six California Youth Authority employees for the videotaped beating of two young wards, Attorney General Bill Lockyer said Friday." So you can kick in the head, punch, and pepper-spray two unresisting youths on the floor, file false reports about it, get it all caught on tape and STILL walk away without charges?

At Least The Australian Has The Guts To Call Them "Assassins" While the American press would undoubtedly call them "contractors" this article from the Australian details how many of those fighting in Iraq are hired guns guilty of the worst human rights violations of the apartheid era. At least 1500 of the estimated 10,000 private contractors operating in Iraq are South African, including recent casualty Gray Banfield who at one time "kidnapped a senior Zimbabwean policeman, strapped explosives to his body and took his family hostage." At least Negroponte will be comfortable with them...

I Feel Sick Libyian dictator Moammar Gadhafi parades around Europe like a rock star and can pass off bombing a passenger airliner under the tag of "liberation struggles." This is why Dante wrote The Inferno. It's comforting to imaging the Colonel "making a splash" in hell.

For Those Training To Get Cozy With Scalia...

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Antonin Scalia Tries to Work in Homoeroticism to a Public Complaint Over School Prayer at VMI.

Holy War, Batman! My father thinks Bush's goal is ultimately to launch a worldwide Christians vs. Muslims holy war. Crazy, you say? Well, yesterday we destroyed a mosque in Fallujah and announced our new policy of destroying Muslim places of worship if they're harboring "enemy combatants." That should certainly sit well with the world's 1 billion Muslims. Also in the holy war category: The asssault on Najaf, the holiest city in Shi'a Islam, which began today.

Welcome Back, Talibuddies! Hamid Karzai, the quasi-president of Afghanistan, is reaching out to for help in running the country to some familiar chaps: the Taliban. Yes, that's right: Less than 2 years after being swept to power by American military might, Karzai is in such dire straits that he is inviting the Taliban to participate in elections and join the government. But, even assuming the Taliban would ever accept this offer, isn't it dangerous to bring your sworn enemies on board? Don't worry! Karzai says there are only about 150 Taliban leaders intent on destroying his government; the thousands of other members are "moderates." So it turns out that Karzai, not content with being the new Ngo Den Diem, is also trying to be the new Franz von Papen.

48 Percent of Americans Believe "Birds Is Magic" A new Pew Research Poll finds that Bush's approval rating has risen 5 points since the beginning of April to a still-low 48 percent, prompting me to wonder what it is that happened in the last 27 days that people approved of. More dead American soldiers? The continued slumping economy? The revelation that Bush cut a deal with Saudi Arabian monarchs to cut oil prices before November? Another interesting poll finding: 52 percent of Americans believe that Iraq will turn out well, although 56 percent say they don't think Bush has a plan. Question: How is it going to "turn out well" if there isn't a plan? Note to con men: There is money to be made in Middle America still.

Three Cheers for the Establishment In an unprecedented move, 52 former senior members of the British foreign service have signed a letter calling on Tony Blair to end his slavish devotion to the "doomed" US policy in the Middle East. Blair, obviously concerned more with Washington than Britain, will clearly not take the advice, but it does offer a wonderful opportunity to read about people named Sir Crispin Tickell saying things like "It is the worst mess diplomatically in my lifetime with the possible exception of Suez." The sun never sets.

Osama Bin Laden, NARAL Diehard If you missed White House attack dog Karen Hughes' appearance on the Wolf Blitzer show Sunday, you missed a great chance to see the president's re-election strategy in action: Tie every issue, no matter how unrelated, into the "war on terrorism." Hughes teed off on the big pro-choice march in D.C. Sunday by comparing its marchers to terrorists and insinuating that somehow if pro-choice laws are upheld, the terrorists will win. Let's go to the tape: "Well, Wolf, [abortion is] always an issue," she said. "And I frankly think it's changing somewhat. I think after September 11th the American people are valuing life more and realizing that we need policies to value the dignity and worth of every life. . . And I think those are the kind of policies that the American people can support, particularly at a time when we're facing an enemy, and really the fundamental difference between us and the terror network we fight is that we value every life." Osama Bin Laden could not be reached for comment, as he was attending an Emily's List fund-raiser along with Gloria Steinem and "Judging Amy" star Amy Brenneman.

-Consider Arms

An Insane Pop Star of Truth Firing A Mothership & Mad Scientist-Believing Cult Of Falsehood

When I Move You Move (Just Like That) Hot on the red clown shoe-heels of the death of McDonald's CEO from a heart attack, the Japanese billionaire who brought McD's to Japan has just died of a heart attack himself. Now if only the tobacco industry CEOs started dropping from lung cancer...

The Saintly Are Up To Their Necks In Smut As the GOP gears up to attack the porn "industry" it might be biting the hand that feeds it. Seems that plenty of companies that are not from LA valley and not run by dudes named Larry make lots of money off of porn, including Direct TV (owned by Fox News head Rupert Murdoch) and Comcast (whose CEO helped to organize the 2000 Republican convention) who both offer the "Hot Network." The Marriot hotel chain, owned by prominent members of the Mormon church, also offers porn on its in-room pay-per-view TV service.

To Protect And Serve Against Blind Elderly Women The city of Portland is shelling out $145,000 after pepper-spraying an elderly blind woman, striking her and knocking out a prosthetic eye and shocking her with a stun gun. And the Secret Service was called in to investigate two drawings by a 15-year old boy in Washington who drew Bush as a devil launching a missle.

Quack! Quack! This Is Why Recusals Exist. As Dick Cheney's case heads to the SCOTUS, it won't be the fist time the grand bench stands between Scalia and a hunting buddy. In 2002 Scalia rejected a Democratic appeal on a rediscticting case in favor of his Republican hunting buddy Rep. Charles Pickering. It's turkey season indeed.

Some Good News! White supremecist and pockmarked fuck-face Matthew Hale is going to jail! Hale, the head of one of the "World Church of the Creator"s (the one that wants to kill black people, not the religious one) was found guilty in Chicago of trying to have a federal judge killed and three counts of obstruction of justice. I'm sure prison will be a breeze Matt.

-The Sikh Geek is delighted that Rumsfled could be called in Saddam's defense during a trial

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Note to Marchers: Stop Rhyming.

Reading With the Enemy The US government currently forbids American companies from doing business in "rogue nations" like Iran, North Korea, and Cuba (although plenty of US companies, like Halliburton, do business there anyway). Now, apparently spurred on by a desire to seem more and more Orwellian, the government is announcing that publishers and journals that edit the work of authors in these countries is "trading with the enemy." This distinction is being made irrespective of the content of the work: In other words, if this policy were in place 20 years ago, it would be illegal to publish "The Gulag Archipelago" in America because that would constitute conducting business with the Soviets.

Enough Since when does the Republican National Committee get to call the tune on press coverage of a presidential election. Read this bullshit ABC News story about "controversy" regarding John Kerry's GD combat medals and note the Republican spin points: There's even a sub-head called "Flip Flop." Here's a fun party game: Read press coverage of John Kerry. Every time the word "flip flop" appears, that indicates the author is a whore with no integrity! And why are we wondering about John Kerry's medals when the Republicans howled that we shouldn't consider Bush's National Guard desertion because Vietnam was so long ago? God, I hate the American press! I take back all my anti-censorship comments ever! What we need is not only censorship - we need brutal massacres in most American newsrooms! Fuck!!

On Second Thought, Censorship is Still Bad Surprise, surprise: George Bush is backing the Pentagon policy banning photographs of flag-draped coffins, in the interest of "protecting the privacy and sensitivity" of the dead soldiers' family. Hey, you know what those families would appreciate even more than "privacy"? Not having their loved ones killed in a senseless ideological boondoggle.

It's Getting Hot in Here! So Shut Up With the Misogynist Lyrics! St. Louis pop rapper Nelly has canceled an appearance at Spelman College, the most prestigious college for black women in America, because the educated ladies there were planning a protest over the pornographic, misogynist treatment of women in Nelly's songs and videos. "Black entertainers have become the new myth makers, showing gangsters and bikini-clad women with hyperactive libidos," said Zenobia Hikes, vice president for student affairs. "For non-black children it creates a gross misrepresentation of the black experience." Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, the women have gotten the response familiar to females throughout history who have spoken up about mistreatment: "Shut up, bitch," basically. Nelly's record company and Black Entertainment Television, which airs the porno videos, have accused the women of trying to suppress "free expression," while a student at Morehouse, the black men's college linked with Spelman, is more up front in his reaction: "I blame the women," he said.

Thank God Murray Kempton Didn't Live to See This While America's mass media is busy reporting Republican spin points on John Kerry as if they were fact and ignoring the many transgressions of the Bush administration, they're also doing something else: Making shit up. As this story suggests, the fabrication scandals at the New Republic, the New York Times, and USA Today are the tip of the iceberg: newsrooms nationwide are "palpably defective." So: censorship is still bad, but brutal massacres are okay.

-Consider Arms

A Rod Stewart Impersonator of Truth Calling His Brother of Falsehood "A Lying Weirdo"

Shocking Revelation! DC Waiter Says That John Kerry Is A Cheap Tipper! Stop The Presses! This constitutes a cover story for NewsMax? Holy shit. Our favorite neo-con website drags out a scrap from a book released seven years ago called "The Shocking Scandals, Corruption, and Abuse of Power Behind the Scenes on Capitol Hill" and pimps it out as a news item. I shudder at the thought of our country being run by a man who tips ten percent or less.

Countries Just Hatin' On An Empire Tryin' To Floss According to beggar for a cockpunching/Fox News anchor John Gibson, those evil bastards in the chocolate-making Eupropean countries (France, German and Belgium for those of you arriving late in the game) have foreign policy differences with us mostly to cover up their jealousy. That's right, Europe and the rest of the world aren't pissed off because we cockblocked the UN, launched a unprovoked unilateral war and destabilized Iraq; according to Gibson they're really saying, “We hate you because you’re successful, and we’re not. And we can’t stand it.” I know people in Belgium look at their universal health care and get pissed off that they aren't able to pay $300 a month for basic COBRA care, just as Germans wish they could swap their 5 weeks of vacation a year for our 2. Maybe we can fill John Negroponte's spot as UN Ambassador with Kelly LeBroc and Nas in a joint "Don't Hate US Because We're Beautiful/ Keep Hatin' It Cause I'm Lovin' It" diplomatic stance.

The Terrifying Futuristic Distopia Is Now The British home secretary hopes to introduce a new catagory of imprisonable offence- "thought crime," or guilt by association. "David Blunkett is considering jailing those who merely 'sympathise' with so-called extremist Islamic groups or who continue to 'associate' with alleged terrorist suspects." Somebody should tell Blunkett that if he wants to enact the hell-on-earth scenario from 1984, he should at least change some of the language.

Woah, One Disasterous Fucking Quagmire At A Time Dude! One Wednesday Bush told newspaper reporters that "Iran 'will be dealt with, starting through the United Nations' if it does not stop developing nuclear weapons and begin total cooperation with international inspectors."

Maybe This Is Why We're A Little Unpopular... Video clip of US soldiers coming across 3 Iraqis who had been looting scraps of wood. The troops scream at them in English (if they don't understand you dude, just start yelling louder...) and then shoot out the Iraqis' car with handguns before getting a tank to crush it. It's like watching my bully from junior high backed by the largest military in the world.

-The Sikh Geek still can't believe that Kevin Spacey's Brother is a Rod Stewart Impersonator in London.

A Hotel Guest Of Truth Surviving An 18-Story Plunge From A Ritz Of Falsehood

Soon On VH1, "I Love Bullshit Nuclear Arms Stockpiling From The 80s" "Measured in 'real dollars' (that is, adjusting for inflation), this year's spending on nuclear activities is equal to what Ronald Reagan spent at the height of the U.S.-Soviet standoff."

How Anyone Can Use The Word "Diet" In Reference To This Couple Is Beyond Me... In Salt Lake City an Xtreme Atkins-following couple was kicked out of the local Chuck-A-Rama after the husband went up to the buffet for his 12th helping of roast beef. Said the man's wife, "We went in to have dinner, we were under the impression Chuck-A-Rama was an all-you-can-eat establishment." Said the owner of Chuck-A-Rama (sadly, not named Chuck), ""We've never claimed to be an all-you-can-eat establishment. Our understanding is a buffet is just a style of eating." For the Sikh Geek, buffet is more than just a style of eating; it's a way of life.

And By "Indepence" We Mean You Guys Are Totally Free To Listen To Your American Overlords And Occupiers

-The Sikh Geek

Heroic Football Star Bravely Reminds Americans That We're Still In A War With Afghanistan

California, Pledged To Delivering The Subpoena To Diebold A California voting systems panel recently voted to recommend to the secretary of state that the state decertify Diebold electronic voting machines; it also voted to send their findings to the state attorney general for possible criminal and civil charges against the company. Diebold's machines performed miserably in the March primaries (turning some voters away from the polls) and Diebold marketed and sold their TSx to California counties before it was certified by the state and misleading the state about federal certification about the machines. Diebold is also in hot water for changing their software around without notifying anyone. Whoops. Realted Diebold story.

E-Cliff Notes For The New Bob Woodward Book Slate takes out all the juicy parts of the new Plan of Attack book. We here at the MLWL would read it, but we're totally caught up in the new Danielle Steele.

McNews Joins The Grey Lady In The Gutter Of Journalistic Shame A second top editor bailed out on USA Today on Thursday with a third following in the wake of a scandal in which a star reporter, Jack Kelley, was found to have fabricated parts of over 20 stories and stealing at least 100 passages from other news organizations. Fourth-rate journalism at a fourth-grade reading level.

End Of The World Watch.co.uk The British Office of Science and Technology has given an insane forecast of how global climate change will effect the UK over the next half-century (read: our lifetimes). They predict that over 4 million Britons will lose their homes due to flooding before 2050 and the entire East end of London would be underwater.

THIS Is What The Environmental Movement Is All About Declaring war on the flush toilet and having babies shit all over everything. NewsMax is a marksman of fact.

-The Sikh Geek will cry tears of joy if he can see MC No Shame ride Gravedigger at the Hartford Civic Center

If Anyone Needs Me I'll Be At My Undisclosed Location
Suge's free! Everybody ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!

"Douche Bag" Is The Greatest Phrase Ever. EVER.

--MC No Shame, working for the weekend

I'll Take A Concussion For the Team
Bet your ass I just applied for this.

--MC No Shame, doing what it takes for the MLWL

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: A Grand Jury of Truth reportedly indicting a Michael Jackson of Lies.

You Look Awfully Familiar Since the April uprisings started in Iraq, the all-Iraqi "security force" has lost 50 percent of its members, according to the US army. So, who would best know how to reverse this alarming trend? Why, Saddam Hussein's former generals, of course! Yes, the men who we fought a war against just a year ago have now been recruited to run the Iraqi army. In a similar development, the ban on Baath Party members holding government posts has been quietly lifted. Can our reinstallation of Saddam as supreme dictator be far behind?

Your Tax Dollars At Work

The Pentagon has tried to block the release of photos like this one from Andrews Air Force Base (and a contractor who took a photo of flag-draped caskets has been fired for doing so), apparently in the hope that if people don't see the result of US foreign policy, they will continue to support that policy. Even if you're not looking, these people are still dead.

It's Like the Poker Standoff of Doom Muqtada Al-Sadr, the well-fed renegade Shiite cleric currently holed up in Greater Metropolitan Najaf, has upped the ante in his Mexican standoff with the US: If the US invades Najaf, the holiest Shiite city, Sadr will direct the members of his Al Mahdi Army to carry out suicide attacks. Do Republicans read stuff like this and think, "I'm so glad I voted for Bush"?

Vote Fraud Stalled in California State elections officials in California have banned the use of 15,000 electronic "black box" voting machines in four counties, and may ban their use throughout the state, because the machines (made by Republican-led company Diebold of Ohio) are so full of error that they actually turned voters away from the polls in a March election.

Your "Thank God It's Friday" Special of the Day:
A Seattle company making luggage has appended a message to the care instructions printed in English and French on their product labels:

Our Frenchy readers will note that the last lines on the tag read "We are sorry our president is an idiot. We didn't vote for him." That's an apology, France.

-Consider Arms

"God, you`re so fucking hot when you brutally supress millions of people."
"Shut up Kim Jong-Il; YOU are."
"Kiss me."


What The Fuck Is Wrong With PETA?! PETA is so consistent with horribly tasteless ads, I could plan my oil changes around it. After comparing Jesus Christ to a pig, comparing Holocaust victims to farm animals, and mocking Rudy Guiliani's prostate cancer in an anti-milk ad, PETA is now in trouble for exploiting the grisly serial killings of several women in British Columbia. The ad in question shows a woman on one side, a pig on the other and a slogan "Neither one of us is meat." It makes reference to the case of Robert Pinkton, a serial killer who is charged with killing 15 women on his farm and may have put human remains in his meat products. Said PETA director Bruce Friedrich, "I really don't get what all the fuss is about."

For Those About To Torture Iraqis With Our Tunes, We Salute You! US Marines in Iraq are reportedly blasting AC/DC alongside insults in Arabic to drive Iraqi insurgents from their homes in Fallujah. Last year, Metallica was furious that the US interrogators were using their song Enter Sandman to "break down" Iraqi captives in Baghdad. I guess it is a little insulting to have your music used as an instrument of torture.

Did You Guys Get That Anthrax Killer Yet? The FBI, not having to worry about violent crime, drug trafficking or domestic terrorism, recently raided a high school near Phoenix to crack down on illegal downloading. I wonder if we formed a PAC called "Citizens Against Being Bombed By Freaky-Ass Domestic Terrorists", pooled our money and gaved hundreds of thousands of dollars to Senator Orin Hatch, would the FBI be just as hyperactive in going after white power and militia groups with caches of firearms and chemical weapons? Stop All The Downloading!

As If Junior High Didn't Suck Enough...

Say No To Crack! Speaking of complete wastes of government power, Louisiana is now trying to pass House Bill 1626 which would make wearing low-riding jeans illegal and punishable by a fine of up to $500, six months in jail, or both. Said first-term legislator Derrick Shepherd, "The community's outraged. And if parents can't do their job, if parents can't regulate what their children wear, then there should be a law." I'm sure Joe Leiberman is taking a break from attacking video games and donuts, and is just kicking himself that he wasn't the first to launch a crusade against the exposed thong string.

Check Out The MLWL Fotolog!
Email us at: monsterlimo@hotmail.com

-The Sikh Geek

The Free Press At Work

Shortly after Bush's last prime-time press conference (which, I believe was right before the war in Iraq), it leaked out that the reporters who asked questions were selected in advance by the White House, lending an air of grotesque absurdity to the scene of all the other reporters raising their hands, as if they would be called on. In journalism, this is a big no-no. It's an even bigger sin to give your questions to a source in advance for approval before asking them at a press conference. This is not journalism, it's stage-management. It's similar to what goes on at press conferences in undemocratic regimes.

So, is this going on in America? Read this Washington Monthly tidbit, which includes some emails from the assistant to the "public editor" (that's the new way of saying "ombudsman") at the New York Times.

Two conundrums here. One: Why doesn't the public editor himself respond to reader queries? Isn't that his whole job? If it's not, what exactly is his job?

Two: What the fuck? Arthur Bovino seems to be unaware that there is anything wrong with submitting questions before "spontaneously" asking them at a press conference. "Perhaps you might write to the president if you are unhappy with this system," he writes. Wow! What a fucking dick! No, asshole, instead of writing to the president, how about your car wreck of a newspaper gets its fucking act in gear for a change? There's a reason you got snubbed at the Pulitzers this year, Bovino.

-Consider Arms

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Who Else Hates That New Beyonce Song?

Let's Play the Double Standard Game One of the key Republican spin points has been the "irrational hatred" that people on the left have for George Bush. Why, conservative commentators can't BELIEVE how much people hate the president! It's totally unprecedented! So: A Florida state legislator tells a "joke" that urges the assassination of Hillary Clinton. Outrage? Calls for her resignation? Investigation by the Secret Service? No. In fact, the legislator defends her remark, and is mad that some Florida newspapers are asking about it. "Everybody knows it's a joke," her aide says. "It's kind of an inconvenience for her now."

Hey, 50 Percent Are the Same Odds You Get in Roullette In the wake of the recent violence in Iraq, 40 percent of the recruits in the new Iraqi security force walked off the job, while 10 percent actuall switched over to the anti-American side. At this rate, American troops will be leaving Iraq approximately never.

The Enemy of My Enemy is My Enemy Taiwan is getting ready to draft a new constitution but is not planning to declare independence (which, let's face it, would be purely a formality), or so says President Chen Shui-bian. So, who's pissed about this? Well, Communist China, of course, which still maintains that Taiwan is a "renegade province," and also the US. An American diplomat says that the US opposes Taiwan's attempt to change the status quo "as we define it." That's pretty much why we're so beloved in every corner of the globe.

A Spanner in the Works Ariel Sharon, the fat and evil leader of Israel, is trying out a bait-and-switch plan wherein he swaps the worthless Gaza strip for a whole bunch of land in the West Bank that is currently Palestinian. Inexplicably, George Bush becomes the first US president to support the takeover of West Bank land. So, clear sailing for the Corpulent Menace, right? No, actually. Support for the plan continues to plunge in Israel, to the point where it's split about 50-50. This puts Sharon's plan to submit the proposal to a vote by the Likud Party, which seems likely to reject it. Don't worry, though, fans of autocracy: Sharon has announced in advance that if the results go his way, he will simply ignore the vote altogether. This is pretty much why Ariel Sharon is so beloved in every corner of the globe.

From Our "Vaguely Sinister" Department This web site is the work of a man (or woman; the creator goes by the nom de guerre "Winter") whose goal is to visit every Starbucks in the world. So far he has visited more than 3,800 in the U.S., more than 100 in Britain, and about 40 in Japan. I don't know what's more unsettling: The fact that, as the URL implies, Starbucks really is everywhere, or the fact that this guy has digital photos of every single one, including the three in my hometown and the one right down the street from my job that was only completed a couple of months ago (or, even more unsettling: learning that my hometown has three Starbucks stores. When did that happen?).

-Consider Arms

An Aboriginal Woman Of Sarcasm Cursing A PM Of Falsehood

God Needs To Take Away The First World's Hospitals and Doctors While children in India lose their eyesight due to a simple lack of a basic vitamin and while millions are dying of AIDS in Africa, plastic surgery is becoming mundane over in the West. Want a plastic surgeon to give you breast implants, ass implants, liposuction, a nose job, chin implants AND a face lift because you're an insane pre-op transsexual who wants to look like J-Lo? Sure! We'll broadcast the whole thing on MTV! The latest craze for the lazy and envious? Plastic surgery for the voice. Uggg.

Somebody Should Have Shot Him During His "Metal" Phase Pat Boone has taken a strong stance as of late and declared that censorship is "healthy" for the arts. "I don't think censorship is a bad word, but it has become a bad word because everybody associates it with some kind of restriction on liberty," said Mr. Boone. You know what else has been healthy for Pat Boone's artistic career? Racism. Pat made his name with shitty, fluffy versions of early rock songs that wouldn't get airplay because their artists were Black. Download his version of "Tutti Frutti" and be amazed that Little Richard makes Pat's version sound gay.

As The Chimp Rides A Segway To WWIV... King Abdullah of Jordan has postponed a meeting at the White House over Bush's recent insane support of Sharon (and his creepy "you owe Ariel a big 'thank you'" comments). We had one cool Arab friend who would let us sit as his lunchtable in the junior-high cafeteria of diplomacy, and now he's telling us to fuck off. And remember the threat of a nuclear Iraq that was waved in front of us to get us to fight Iraq? Those claims have been discredited... EIGHT YEARS AGO! At least Bush isn't suffering from doubt and still has God on his side.

Best Screen Capture Ever. EVER.


-The Sikh Geek

Whether You're In NWA Or Have An MBA, Bitches Ain't Shit But Ho's And Tricks
At least that seems to be the attitude of Thomas Lopez-Pierre, creator of the elitist, exclusionary, and dare I say sexist Harlem Club. Mr. Lopez-Pierre is the public face of a very private social club for highly educated, professional blacks and latinos. More meat market than meeting place, the club's members pay five grand for the opportunity to sample from a rotation of women 35 or younger, unmarried, childless, college educated and willing to submit a head-to-toe photograph. Oh yeah, and women can't be members, only "associate members". While Mr. Lopez-Pierre disagrees that the club is nothing more than a "brothel for the business class", he does have this to say to all the strong, Nubian sista's out there, "I didn't marry my wife because she was a kind, sensitive woman. I married her because she is a complete package. I married her because she takes her butt to the gym, and she keeps it tight for me. I want it all, and I got it all. There are men who want the same." If Mrs. Lopez-Pierre has one ounce of self respect she'll use her tight butt to whoop Mr. Lopez-Pierre's disrespecting ass.

Rap Industry: Still Shady As Hell
That icon of rap music publishing, The Source, seems to have a little problem with the cheddar flow. Our boys at the Smokinggun.com have discovered that The Source has been sued four times in the past six weeks in the NY Supreme Court due to unpaid bills. Most notably, the magazine's paper supplier, Gould Paper Corp., is owed $1,137,466.21. Other unpaid expenses include $142,000 in plane tickets for the likes of the Neptunes and $36,000 for a pair of earrings that were never returned after a photo shoot. Maybe if Benzino didn't blow all that money pressing up CD's of Eminem's freestyle tapes from when he was 13 they'd be able to pay the gas bill.

Apocalypse Watch Update: We're Really Fucked
Apologies to the SG for biting his steez on this one.

--MC No Shame

Yes, I am Excited

Hey Bono, How Do You Justify Your Political Activism While being an Employee of a Fucked Up Corporation?
So I am graduating from law school next month, and I just discovered that, in addition to our own private law school ceremony, we are going to be a part of the university wide ceremony as well. And who is the keynote speaker, you ask? That is right, Mr. Bono himself. I can only hope that I am close enough to heckle. And, hey, it is free, so all you readers come on down and show your "support" for Bono. "Hey Bono, have you found what you are looking for?" "Hey Bono, will I get to be with you on New Year's Day?" I can't wait.

-Lil' Antonin

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: We're Losing the Hispanophones.

It Never Happened, See? Continuing the federal government's gradual adoption of the Ministry of Truth's methods, the Pentagon has excised from its official records a comment that Donald Rumsfeld made to Bob Woodward about how the administration would give Saudi Arabia a "two months heads up" that the US was going to invade Iraq (note: Under the Constitution, such a "heads up" is illegal). It is as if the comment were never made, but take heart: If this were like Italo Calvino's story "The World Memory," Rumsfeld would now pull out a gun and shoot Woodward. So at least that hasn't happened. Yet.

Bush 3:16 Says "I Just Whupped Your Ass" Apparently, I'm not the only one who's creeped out by Bush's version of religion: this is an excellent Village Voice essay that makes the point that, while basically every other US president has brought God into politics at one time or another, no one has ever claimed to be God's messenger. Yet that's what Bush says: He told Woodward he's the "messenger of God's will" with an obligation to bring "the Almighty's gift of freedom" to "every man, woman, and child" in the world. This isn't run-of-the-mill US Christian rhetoric, people: These are the kind of words you hear spoken by a co-worker as you cower in the breakroom while he reloads.

Chaos in Basra Suicide bombers struck the Southern Iraqi Shiite stronghold today, killing at least 68 people. Officials in the city are blaming Al Qaeda, but have not yet offered any proof. Meanwhile in Iraq, the Dominican Republic and Taiwan have joined Spain and Honduras in departing from the "coalition of the willing."

Battle of the Wealthy, Aristocratic Yale Boys John Kerry raised $60 million in the first three months of 2004, shattering the previous record, which was held by George Bush. Meanwhile, in more good news for the good guys, the Bush campaign has spent over $50 million in March alone (including $40 million in TV ads) and has yet to significantly pull ahead of Kerry (most polls have Bush leading by numbers within the margin of error). $50 million and no effect: That's because people are starting to realize you're a dick, George.

We Must Conclude That Even Our Troops Hate Freedom Eventually, there will be no one left who loves freedom other than George, Condi, Rummy, and the New York Post: A leaked memo from a commander in Iraq details that even true believers in the war sense that it's going to get a lot worse in the country. "The Governance Group had assured Iraqis that their exclusion from the Governing Council did not mean an exclusion from the process. As it turns out, we lied. People from Kut, for example, see that they have no representation on the Governing Council, and many predict civil war since they doubt that the Governing Council will really allow elections." Oh, pish! Those Iraqis love us!

-Consider Arms

SPECIAL "WE COULD BE SENT TO DIE ON THE DUSTY STREETS OF FALLUJAH, BITCHES!" EDITION

Start Shooting Your Feet And Scoping Out Canada Republican Senator Chuck Hagel told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that the US may be forced to reinstitute the military draft to provide soldiers for the gargantuan mess we've got going on in Iraq. "Why shouldn't we ask all of our citizens to bear some responsibility and pay some price?" Hagel said, arguing that restoring compulsory military service would force "our citizens to understand the intensity and depth of challenges we face." While confusing those straddling the poverty line with schoolteachers and those in middle-management, Chuck added, "Those who are serving today and dying today are the middle class and lower middle class." Um, actually it's THE POOR who are overwhelmingly dying in Iraq: the people who couldn't find work, couldn't afford college and didn't have many options besides becoming an army of one. And a draft certainly wouldn't "spread the responsibility to all Americans." An Iraqi War draft, like Vietnam, and like all other wars before it would doubtlessly see the sons of the rich avoiding the military. Ask Cheney. Or Bush. If the US will need to keep troops in Iraq for TEN MORE YEARS like the British estimate, maybe Chuck will be willing to give his son Ziller over to the draft when he reaches 18.

The Horse of Plague Catching Up To The Horse Of Warfare Calling the epidemic "an earthquake in slow motion" (Ironically the same thing I called MC No Shame's 500 lb. ex-girlfriend. Man, MCNS LOVES those BBW...) the chief of the UN said that AIDS is as great a threat to world peace as terrorism. He cited the military forces in Africa in which half the soldiers are infected, the fifty-fold increase of HIV in Russia and the schools and companies left empty in Africa due to AIDS-related deaths.

-The Sikh Geek

I am Trying to Up My Swear Word Count

Goddamn Fucking Shit Motherfucker
I think I may have calmed down enough to say a few things about the President’s speech a week ago. I have extracted everything from the TV that I hurled at it during the speech. I think the thing that pissed me off the most is when he was asked about why he needed to testify with a buddy he responded, “I look forward to meeting with them and answering their questions.” Of course this did not at all answer the question that was asked. When the reporter repeated the question and tried to clarify, the response from the President was to angrily repeat the same thing, “Because it's a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9/11 Commission is looking forward to asking us, and I'm looking forward to answering them.” Um, THAT DOESN’T EVEN COME CLOSE TO ANSWERING THE FUCKING QUESTION, ASSHOLE. You know what, I’m not even going to get into the whole “I'm sure something will pop into my head here” response to the question about whether he thought he ever made a mistake or else I’ll start throwing shit around the house again. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Bush - Cracking Down on Corporate Corruption
This story has seemed to mostly have flown under the radar. Notice that the rate of audits of businesses by the IRS has gone down while the audits of individual taxpayers has gone up. I’m glad to know that the IRS is more concerned that I pay the proper amount on the $7,000 I made last year than it is about whether Enron or Worldcom is being honest.

Republican Congressman and Terrorist
Well, OK, maybe not. But he did try to take a gun on an airplane. I say - off to the pokey for him.

Fuck the NFL
Let adults pursue their there chosen profession already.

-Lil' Antonin

You Gotta Lotta Nerve Showing Your Face Around Here, Mr. President

SCOTUS: Still Backing Republican Power Grabs After All These Years
Remember last year when Democrats in the Texas Legislature made a midnight run to Oklahoma in an effort to cockblock a Republican redistricting scheme that would have given them six more seats? Well despite the Dems' run for the border Senate Republicans were still able to vote on the plan, in direct contravention of 100-year-old Senate voting procedures. Angry Dems, who charge the redistricting plan violates the federal Voting Rights Act, filed a lawsuit that the Supreme Court has just refused to hear (after it failed in a lower court). According to this article, "The court had also refused earlier this year to block congressional elections under the new map, which Democrats and minority groups argue tramples the rights of Hispanic and black voters." Anyone who still remembers the 2000 election and the allegations of minority voters being turned away at the polls in Miami-Dade County knows that SCOTUS doesn't do civil rights any more. That's soooooo 1960's.

Conspiracy Nuts Continue To Cream Their Shorts
Like all Bush cabinet officials, "Crisco-is-for-bakin'" John Ashcroft flew on commercial airlines... until July 24, 2001. Citing a "threat assessment" by the FBI, "calico-cat-hatin'" Ashcroft began only flying chartered government jets. Was it the result of secret, pre-9/11 terrorism information about jets being used as weapons? Or was it because the freak-a-zoid probably thinks that complimentary packets of pretzels are the work of the devil?

My New Favorite Website

--MC No Shame

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Should Have Saved My Breath to Cool My Porridge.

George Bush: Friend of the Worker Ah, can you say "election year"? Last year, the Bush administration was fighting to rewrite the country's overtime laws that would have made millions of workers who put in more than 40 hours a week (including yours truly) ineligible for overtime. Now, in a dead heat with John Kerry and facing a stagnant, no-jobs economy just six months before election time, the administration is reversing that proposal. Now, far more workers will be eligible for overtime payment than before. Anyone who is fooled by this transparent ploy deserves to be caught up in the military draft that will follow a Bush election.

Enron, Europe-Style Shell Oil is embroiled in the largest corporate scandal in their history after admitting it deliberately overstated its oil and gas reserves in a three-year bid to deceive shareholders. In addition to investigations in Europe, the Justice Department and SEC have also launched criminal investigations. My question: This is the biggest scandal in Shell's history? What about Nigeria?

Backwards, Desert-Dwelling Bandits Give Us Their Word The Saudi Arabian government has responded to allegations in Bob Woodward's new book by saying it will not dramatically increase oil production (thus lowering gas prices) right before the election this year in a bid to keep George W. Bush in office. Hey, I think we can trust these Saudi cats. After all, it's not like this is precisely the same milieu that gave us Osama Bin Laden. . . oh, wait.

I Paid More in Taxes Than 60 Percent of US Companies Steve Martin used to have a routine where he explained "how to be a millionaire and never pay taxes." It was funny at the time, but how's this for a laugh: Between 1996 and 2000, U.S. companies that saw $3.5 trillion in revenue never paid a single dime in taxes. Worth remembering the next time some Republican starts talking about how the "unfair tax burden" is "driving jobs overseas." No, asshole, it's your rich prick friends who run the companies that are driving jobs overseas.

Happy Hitler's Birthday, General Krstic! A Portland, Oregon defense lawyer has successfully argued for a reduction in the sentence of his client, Bosnian Serb General Radislav Krstic, who led the detachment of Serbian troops that massacred 7,500 Muslims in Srebrenica 10 years ago. The lawyer somehow managed to convince the war crimes tribunal that Krstic was not a "principal participant" in the slaughter; he merely "aided and abetted" it. "He feels very strongly about his reputation and the stigma it has imposed on his family," says the lawyer. You know what else he "feels very strongly about"? Slaughtering Muslims. Churchill was right: Sometimes people don't deserve defense attorneys.

-Consider Arms

An Actor Of Truth Getting Mugged By A Mugger Of Falsehood In A London Of Lies. Then Not. Or Something. Bitches.

The Coalition Of Those Getting The Fuck Out Of Dodge Following the lead of Spanish troops in Iraq, Honduras is pulling out like a teenage couple without birth control, "in the shortest time possible," according to Honduran President Ricardo Maduro. But fret not, Albania said it will be boosting its 71 symbolic troops and San Salvador is holding strong with its 380 soldiers. I wonder if Honduras' decision had anything to do with the announcement of Honduran death-squad motherfucker John D. Negroponte's ascent to the title of top US official in Iraq. I can't believe I could watch a 5 minute piece on Negroponte and hear the words "suave" and "charming" repeatedly and not once hear the phrase "death squads" or "pissing away over half a million in taxpayer dollars." Do these people have access to the same internet I do?

Good News! Iraq Is Uniting! Bad news! They're uniting against us! Maybe the thousand Iraqis (mostly civilians) that were killed this month (that I never hear or read about in US media) have something to do with the Sunni and Shi'a chumminess. Or maybe the parade of sweets and flowers is being delayed by the fact that life for Iraq's poor is worse under the US occupation than it was under Saddam. Or maybe nobody really gets cozy with foreign armies holding machine guns on their street corners.

Who Could Have Known About Hijacked Planes Being Used As Weapons? Not the Bush administration. But apparantly Tom Clancy, the CIA, the Italian government, that dude who wrote the X-Files and now NORAD.

Brilliant Propoaganda From CentCom Maybe they won't drop the nuke if we just tell them not to...

Tuesday's Homework is a gigantic NY Times piece about the private contractors (read: mercenaries) in Iraq that now number around 20,000 (isn't that more than the British contingent?) and are expected to soak up close to "25 percent of the $18 billion budgeted for reconstruction, a huge and mostly unanticipated expense that could delay or force the cancellation of billions of dollars worth of projects to rebuild schools, water treatment plants, electric lines and oil refineries." I wonder if ManPower Inc. will start shipping people over to Iraq for $10/hour?

-The Sikh Geek now believes that Soledad O'Brien is the Devil.

Special "I Want To Go Outside" Edition

Not All Terrorists Have Beards And Funny Names
In the first few days after the Oklahoma City bombing law enforcement officials focused on a connection to Islamic extremists (and there still exists theories of an Iraqi connection) only to discover, to their shock, that the terrorism was of the homegrown variety. What followed was a fleeting national fixation on right-wing, paramilitary, militia groups like the Michigan Militia. But that was the mid-90's. These days it's all "Al"-this and "Laden"-that with calls for beefed up border security and a rationalized policy of racial profiling. But before you stress the Sikh Geek at the airport again you might want to get a load of this: When the FBI searched 63-year-old William Krar's storage locker in Texas (of course) last year they found half a million rounds of ammunition, more than 60 pipe bombs, and ingredients to construct a cyanide bomb capable of killing everyone within a 30,000-square-foot building. Even more frightening than that is the fact that the FBI had no knowledge of Krar before a fluke screw up on his part led a Staten Island resident to tip them off. Now there's growing concern that the patriot movement is gaining steam once again, fueled in part by post-9/11, anti-Muslim sentiment within the heartland. Daniel Levitas, author of "The Terrorist Next Door", made the observation, "There are thousands of William Krars out there who aren't being pursued." Nice.

Perverting Technology
Recently I came across an interesting theory that goes something like this: the rapid spread and acceptance of new technologies, ie. cell phones, SMS, the internet, email, digital cameras, etc., has been facilitated mainly by their unforeseen use as 21st century delivery systems for porn. If that's true, then this story could herald the rise of eHogging. Using Bluetooth technology which allows users to send phone contacts, pictures and messages to anyone and everyone within a 10 yard radius commuters in London are soliciting strangers for sex via their high tech gadgets, dubbed "Toothing." The technique is to send out a message that says "Toothing?" and see if anyone around you takes the bait. Then it's just a matter of picking which public bathroom you want to meet in. Just remember you swinging Londoners, Norton doesn't make a patch for herpes.

And Speaking Of STD's
Guess what's the latest, hottest trend sweeping NYC? Syphilis.

--MC No Shame, my pathos are validated once again

This Just In, Bitches.

James Carville, Bald-Headed FuckFace "Mr. Carville is currently working with Venezuelan businessmen who are seeking to oust the leftist president, Hugo Chávez." But don't call it an illegal foreign coup, call it a "recount" you gigantic money-hungry, morally-bankrupt "Democratic" bastard.

And from the News of the Weird... In a December profile, The Washington Post examined the breezy American history curriculum being sold to schools by presidential brother Neil Bush (more in the news lately for his messy divorce). The course's premise is that future "hunter-gatherers" (i.e., rambunctious boys) don't have the patience to read and should be taught by music, graphics and other techniques. For instance, the Constitutional Convention of 1787 is taught in a rap song, "It was 55 delegates from 12 states/Took one hot Philadelphia summer to create/A perfect document for their imperfect times/Franklin, Madison, Washington, a lot of the cats/Who used to be in the Continental Congress way back." [Washington Post, 12-27-03]

-The Sikh Geek, so mad I can't eat breakfast

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Am God's Messenger. His Message: Cut Your Hair, Hippie.

Our Vengeful God Has Instructed Our Sacred Leader to Mangle His Grammar I don't know if any of you saw "60 Minutes" last night, but it was a hoot! That new Bob Wooward book about the run-up to war in Iraq is going to be spectacular. Among the jaw-droppers: Woodward got Bush to say on the record that he believes himself to be "a messenger of God's will" and that he has been "chosen by God" to "bring freedom to the world." Note: This is the craziest, wackiest shit any U.S. President has said, ever.

Vote For Bush Or We'll Shoot This Puppy That's essentially what inept bungler Condoleezza Rice is saying today: Terrorists are going to try to "influence the course of the election" this year like they supposedly did in Spain. However, Bob Woodward's book suggests another interesting possibility: Supposedly, Bush's pals the Saudis have promised to dramatically increase oil production before the election, causing the price of gas to plunge, which would help Bush get elected. This, coupled with Bush's "I'm on a mission from God" delusions, makes me want to vomit in terror.

Beware the Typhoon of Grudge-bearing and the Nor'Easter of Reprisal After Israel assassinated yet another Hamas leader this weekend, the fanatical terrorist group is now vowing to unleash "a volcano of revenge." Abdel Aziz Rantisi, who barely had time to order new Hamas stationery with his name on it following the assassination of Sheik Yassin three weeks ago, was considered a moderate because he believed "the destruction of the Jewish state could be left to future generations." I don't mean to be flippant, but exactly how devastating is this "volcano of revenge" supposed to be? I remember after Yassin's assassination they vowed to "open the gates of hell," and that pretty much turned out to be two guys in wet suits getting shot as soon as they showed up at an Israeli beach.

Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush! I've Found Evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the Middle East! Too bad they're in Israel. The Israeli nuclear scientist who blew the whistle on his country's illegal nuclear bomb program (he says the country has around 200 bombs; Israel cops to having zero) is about to begin an 18-year jail term for "treason." Hey, didn't we go to war to rid the world of a Middle Eastern regime that illegally possessed weapons of mass destruction? Hello?

It's Not Easy Being Cassandra Mark Shields, commandeering the Way Way Back Machine, has a good point: It's time to recognize that Howard Dean was right when he said, way way back in December, that the capture of Saddam Hussein wouldn't make America safer. At the time, remember, the country was outraged. Joe Lieberman said Dean had "climbed into his own spider hole"; one of the goons at the Wall Street Journal wrote that "It's not easy to cram so much idiocy, mendacity and arrogance into nine words. ... Dean's assertion is impossible to support rationally." This month, so far 99 Americans have been killed in Iraq. Yep. No rational support for Dean's comment.

-Consider Arms

Morality of Nihilism, Bitches.

Michael Savage, Truly A Weiner And I thought that only Ann Coulter could paint herself into the rhetorical corner by calling the First Amendment anti-American. Neocon radio shock-jock Michael Savage is asking listeners on his website if the publisher of the NY Times should be arrested for sedition by publishing a photo of an Iraqi holding up the boots of a US soldier. In case you think Savage's question was rhetorical, he also calls for the closing of American border and the forced deportation of all illegal immigrants on the same page.

You Know Shit Is Bad When You Get Warm And Nostalgic For The IRA...

And A Foreign Policy Of "No Hatin' On Tha Continent" Australian's Labor Party leader, Mark Latham, once famous for breaking the arm of a cabbie he claimed cheated him, told the youth of Australia that the Labor Party's policy "is bling-bling." He also announced his new running mate, Poochie.

Rufus Harley, Your Ship Has Come In Marine Sgt. Dwayne Farr, an African-American from Detroit is in the news for palying the bagpipes on the battlefields of Fallujah, making him the second famous Black bagpiper behind Rufus Harley, the jazz footnote who released an album entitled "Scotch and Soul." Why can I read about a Marine bagpiper on CNN, but still get no details about the 1,000 Iraqi casualties (mainly civilians) in the past few weeks?

Well, It's Not As Ironic Of A Death As Choking On A Cheeseburger Or Getting Mauled By A Cow...

Check Out The MLWL Fotolog! It has most of the images used in the past 15 months and a huge list of links including the Battlestar Republica and Mimes for Christ.

-The Sikh Geek

John D. Negroponte "Total Bastard" Spectacular!

With the news that the White House will replace genial neoconservative fanatic Paul Bremer as the top US official in Iraq with UN Ambassador John D. Negroponte, now is as good a time as ever to educate our readers on just who this total bastard is and how he got that way. For those who remember the shadowy Iranscam scandal of the bygone Reagan Era, Negroponte needs no introduction. For the rest of you, though, here's some helpful links identifying just how much you should throw up at the prospect of this man running anything.

John Dimitri Negroponte


Negroponte was US ambassador to Honduras from 1981 to 1985. In that capacity, he was an apologist for and facilitator of the brutal right wing government's murderous war of aggression against the Honduran people. Negroponte was instrumental in the creation of the El Aguacate air base, at which Nicagaraguan Contra terrorists were trained by American agents. In August 2001, 185 bodies were discovered at the site, including those of two Americans. These were some of the victims of the death squads that used Aguacate as a headquarters.

Negroponte now says that there were no death squads in Honduras, but the CIA begs to differ. According to declassified reports, the CIA acknowledges that "death squads" committed "hundreds of human rights abuses" throughout the 1980s, while more than $1 billion in US aid went to the country's military.

Although Honduras is assuredly the centerpiece of Negroponte's career as a total bastard, it is not the only exhibit. From 1971 to 1973, he was in charge of formulating policy on Vietnam for Henry Kissinger's National Security Council. It was here that he would learn what it takes to force embassy officials to excise information about human rights violations in their reports home.

But don't take our word for it: Listen to Negroponte himself explain why the US had to tolerate "less than savory, from an American perspective" regimes in Latin America: the discredited domino theory (there's that Kissinger Vietnam training). You see, with Nicaragua already gone Socialist, why, El Salvador could have fallen to the FMLN and then there would be nothing keeping Castro out of Belize. Although this must seem like baffling bullshit to Americans born since the mid-1980s, I assure you that people actually took it seriously at the time.

In a famous expose in the Baltimore Sun (which doesn't seem to be online, sadly), Negroponte emerged as the chief architect of US policy in Honduras during the worst human rights abuses in that country's history. Negroponte swears that he tried his best by "promoting democracy," but former ambassador to Honduras Jack Binns, who preceded Negroponte, tells a different story. "Negroponte would have had to be deliberately blind not to know about human rights violations," told In These Times. Deliberately blind, or just dishonest?

Although, when compared to deliberately covering up the deaths of thousands and securing aid for their killers this seems trivial, MLWL fans from way back may remember the last time Negroponte streaked across our radar. It was about a year ago, and it was when Negroponte got State Department permission to spend $600,000 to remodel the kitchen at his private residence at the Waldorf Astoria, a suite that the taxpayers already foot the $168,000-per-month bill for. Nice use of public funds, Negroponte!

-Consider Arms, HNWIC (Head Negroponte-Watcher in Charge)

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: It's Later Than You Think.

Almost Beaten to the Punch Erstwhile Bush administration hagiographer Bob Woodward will have a new book in stores next week that claims George Bush planned the Iraq war two months after September 11, apparently keeping it secret from members of his national security team because he was afraid he would look "anxious" to go to war. Funny, Donald Rumsfeld was already planning on war with Iraq on September 12, according to notes he took that were obtained by CBS. So, once again, Bush was behind the curve.

Does Prussia Still Have an Army? The latest country to contemplate pulling out of the "coalition of the willing" is Portugal, which is alarmed at the rapidly deteriorating situation there. Portugal joins Spain, South Korea, the Philippines, and Poland in talking about leaving the mighty coalition, leaving the grim prospect of military powerhouses like the Solomon Islands and Equitorial Guinea being the only remaining members. As a side note, it's awesome that the Portugese armed forces are referred to by the acronym GNR - do you think they've been feeling "Welcome to the Jungle" since arriving in Iraq? Boy, I bet George Bush is going to urge "Patience"! It's too bad the Iraqis are only willing to "Live and Let Die"! Oh, I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of Being Behind the Curve... In 1995, the CIA warned that Islamic extremists were likely to strike at targets in New York and Washington, D.C. using the airline industry, according to intelligence agency sources. Yeah, but, that so-called "warning" failed to state the exact date and time the hijackers would strike. I mean, how are we supposed to work with a warning so vague, right? Right?

We Will Not Negotiate With Terrorists... These, Guys, Though, Are OK In an effort to find an end to the uprising in Fallujah, the US is negotiating directly with leaders there. I actually have to commend the US for not doing some stupid, Israeli-style raid into the city that would inevitably lead to more deaths than there have been already. Also, kudos to the US for bringing in Iran to try to find a resolution in Najaf, where Muqtada Al-Sadr is hiding out. It's been a week where, despite huge losses, the military has been refreshingly sane about the insurgency, but I'm not holding my breath.

Your "Thank God It's Friday, Even Though I Have to Work the Night Shift" Weekly Special:
Here's the President of the United States of America in drag:


And here he is on the high school cheerleading team:


Feel better? Me, too.

-Consider Arms

Special "I've Been Saving My One's" Edition

Sorority Girls
Where can you find date rapes, drugs, eating disorders, vomit clogged pipes, and humiliating hazing rituals?... If you guessed the offices of the Monster Limo Weblog you're almost right. I'm talking about sororities and the new book "Pledged", an undercover look at the absolute worst way for your daughter to spend her college years.

A Web Of Lies And Warmongering
Good website that details the web of right-wing connections at work in the country today. File under horror.

--MC No Shame, off to get my bachelor party on

Bowing To Our Turkmenistanian Overlord, Saparmurat Niyazov

Fuck Films Are Fucked An HIV scare has sent chills through the porn world. Darren James, a "gonzo film" star who doesn't use condoms in his films, tested positive and already one of the women he had sex with on camera, a nineteen year-old from Canada has tested positive. This should come as no surprise. Porn is risky and unregulated and only 15 months ago the LA Times did a huge article on STDs and the porn world. Despite the recent attempts by much of the media to "mainstream" porn by having Jenna Jameson host award shows, putting Ron Jeremy on a reality show, and producing scores of sensationalized T&A-filled TV reports on the "multibillion dollar (sic) adult entertainment industry", it still seems that people having unsafe sex with strangers on film is a bad idea that probably should stay on the fringe. I wonder if that hip new Fox movie "The Girl Next Door", about a high school student who falls in love with a porn star, includes a scene where Danielle gives the boy a case of herpes she picked up while doing a double-anal in a motel room.

I Never Wore A "Trust No One" T-Shirt, I Swear! The pilot episode to the X-Files spin-off "The Lone Gunmen" featured a plot line in which a rogue faction of the government highjacks a plane and attempts to crash it into the World Trade Center. When did this come out? March, 2001. Besides giving conspiracy theorists seizures for the next week, at the very least this should mock Bush's notion of "who could have imagined highjacked planes used a weapons?" Apparently Chris Carter, Tom Clancy and the CIA for starters.

Securing Iraq, For Dudes Who Want To Make Dirty Bombs With Stolen Uranium "According to ElBaradei's letter, satellite imagery shows 'extensive removal of equipment and in some instances, removal of entire buildings,' in Iraq."

Soon To Be On The VH1 Special "I Love Terrifying State-Sponsored Murderous Shit From The 80s" Meet the new boss, more awful than the old boss. When the June 30th transfer of power occurs in Iraq and the nation flowers into a neo-Athenian beacon of democracy for the entire region, Paul Bremer will not be at the helm. He will be replaced by John Negroponte, who before he got his nomination as UN ambassador approved "faced days of grilling over allegations that at the very least he turned a blind eye to CIA-backed death squads which operated in Honduras when he was ambassador there." Negroponte responded to the charges with the Jedi mind-fuck answer of "To this day, I do not believe that death squads were operating in Honduras," despite, you know, all the news reports, eye witnesses and dead bodies that claim there were.

As If There Was Any Doubt... Florida confirms its role as the scummiest state in the union. Why does this kind of shit (a 5 year-old bringing pot into school, a school bus driver pulling over to allow a live alligator on the bus, a man having sex with a dog) ALWAYS seem to happen in the nation's dangling phallus, FLA?

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Beware The Dreaded Suicider.

Iran So Far Away (Apologies for the Flock of Seagulls Pun) Despite being one of the most evilest nations in the world, according to George Bush, Iran has agreed to try and help settle our standoff with chunky-but-spunky Shiite cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr. Al-Sadr is currently holed up in Najaf, the holiest city for Shiites. It's a symbol of how loathe the US is to attack the city that the administration is willing to let the evildoers from Iran help us out, but you have to admit that it's an uncharacteristically sensible position.

Mmm...Turkey and Mustard Once again, we have the grotesque spectacle of the nation's media covering for our inept leader: Bush said during his press conference this week that Libya copped to having 50 tons of mustard gas hidden on a turkey farm. That figure, which Bush cited twice in his remarks, is actually more than double what was actually in Libya: In other words, a lie. But no one actually calls it a lie: Rather, the president "misspoke." "Bush Errs in Mustard Gas Claim," writes the AP, while Fox News, predictably, has the even-more sycophantic "Bush Mustard Gas Calculation Overstated." The funny thing is, during the conference Bush refused to admit making any mistakes in his administration. You just made one, dick!

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse! In the biggest shift left in 40 years, South Korean voters have handed an overwhelming legislative victory to the Uri Party, which is allied with the impeached president and advocates greater independence from the US. The election is largely a referendum on the impeachment of Roh Moon Hyun, which apparently wasn't so popular with the South Koreans. This also means bad news for the Bush administration, with the Uri Party being much less hot on Iraq than the vanquished Grand National Party. With the Socialist victory in Spain and the victory over the Islamists in Malaysia, things are really looking up worldwide: perhaps the long neoliberal winter is finally over. Watch out, though: The last time South Korean voters went overwhelmingly with a left wing party, there was a brutal military coup.

Close Shave for Koizumi Three Japanese hostages in Iraq were released today, bringing some respite for Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, who had been plunged into the biggest crisis of his term. It could be short-lived however: It looks like two more Japanese civilians have been taken hostage.

Deficits Rule OK The rules of the Bizarro World into which George W. Bush's presidency has plunged us include a strange stipulation: Republicans, who were against deficits for 60 years, are now wildly in favor of deficits, which they claim work to hold down spending (note: deficits are a product of not holding down spending). But are deficits really so totally awesome? The IMF thinks not. "The IMF released a new analysis that predicted if nothing is done to get control of the soaring U.S. deficits, it would shave global economic output by 4.2 percent by 2020 and reduce U.S. economic growth by 3.7 percent during the same period." Ah, but who cares about economic growth, right? I mean, we can handle having the stagnant economy of Soviet-era Czechoslovakia, right?

-Consider Arms