Thursday, October 21, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Too Excited About the Red Sox To Write a Jokey Headline.

Don't Call It a Comeback...Wait, No, Go Ahead and Call It a Comeback Down 3 games to nothing, five days ago the Red Sox were in a hopeless situation. No team had ever come back from an 0-3 deficit, and the Yankees had outscored the sox 32-14 in three games. And then, following three of the greatest games in the history of baseball, the Sox slammed the door shut last night in the hated citadel of evil itself, the nexus of poisons and terror, Yankee Stadium. 10-3. The first pennant since 1986. The good guys finally winning. Landsdowne Street in flames: Hey, we're talking about Boston, after all.

Is Nothing Going Right for the Forces of Evil? What a bad day to be evil: the Yankees carry out the greatest post-season choke in the history of professional sports, and a federal judge slaps down the Bush administration, ruling that Guantanamo detainees have to be given access to lawyers, and furthermore that the government can't monitor conversations between lawyers and their clients. What's next, black people voting?

This is Going to Make One Hell of a Very Special Episode of "ER" The Selective Service is mulling a "skills draft" for medical personnel only, seen as a precursor to what a reinstated draft would look like: not a general dragnet of the male population, but targeted drafts of professions that have valuable military applications, like computer specialists, nurses, and doctors. That liberal arts degree doesn't seem like such a waste of time now, does it?

The Global Test It's funny: When anyone suggests that we should perhaps consult other nations before launching major invasions, they are accused of submitting U.S. national security decisions to veto by foreign country. We don't want foreigners telling us where our troops can and can't go, after all. However, we really, really like telling foreigners where to put their troops. Case in point: We are demanding that Britain actually move some of its troops, you know, where there's some fighting in Iraq. The British naturally are not keen on this, but Tony Blair, who gives lapdogs a bad name, is going ahead and obeying Bush's orders. Thumbs up Tony!

From Our "Election Headlines We Never Thought We'd See" Dept. The New York Times reports "Vatican Says Kerry Stance on Abortion Not Heresy." When's the last time you saw the word "heresy" used in a headline about a U.S. presidential election? Anyway, here's the story, which should be a final rebuke to "conservative Catholics" (although we know that there is no rebuking these shameless tools): the Vatican says Kerry can be pro-abortion and still receive Communion. Can we please talk about something else? I've got one: How about that Derek Lowe? And Johnny Damon: two home runs in Game 7!

-Consider Arms