Monday, October 11, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Special "Naive and Dangerous" Edition.

No Political Agenda Here The Sinclair Broadcasting Group, which controls TV stations that reach roughly 25 percent of the country's viewing audience, is REQUIRIING all of its stations to pre-empt primetime programming in order to show an anti-Kerry documentary called "Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal." Sinclair, remember, ordered its seven ABC stations not to air the episode of Nightline dedicated to U.S. casualties in Iraq because the company's executives said it "appeared to be motivated by a political agenda."

Is the President Communicating Through the Wire Like Kanye West? The "Was Bush Wired?" debate continues to rage, picked up now by the mainstream press and fueled by the White House's lame denials. Initially, the White House claimed that the pictures of Bush with a bulge in his coat were doctored, they now concede that they're real, but say he's simply wearing a "wrinkled suit." Also, they shot down a popular theory among right-wing bloggers that Bush was wearing a bulletproof vest like 50 Cent; no vest, says the White House. Already, photos from Friday's debate showing a similar hump on Bush's back are making the rounds.

We Will Smash Terrorists Wherever They Are...In One Month The U.S. military is going to refrain from major assaults on rebel-held strongholds in Iraq until after the presidential election, mindful that such full-scale assaults could produce significant casualty lists that would not be conducive to President Bush's re-election. Note to U.S. service personnel: The president is allowing your enemies to gain strength, because fighting them now could endanger his job. Instead, he is willing to have you face a more dangerous situation in a month. Please remember this when filling out your absentee ballots.

Dispatches from the Headscarf Wars Not content to let longtime rival France do all the discriminating, the German state of Baden-Wurttemburg has now banned the hijab for Muslim women in public buildings, a ban that now extends to nuns wearing their habits. Reports that the Vatican plans to retaliate by forbidding German tourists from wearing those ridiculous little shorts they favor could not be confirmed at press time.

Mahdi Army Disarms! Peace Breaks Out in Iraq! Bush Swept to Historic Third Term on Wave of Adulation! Such will be the headlines accompanying the Mahdi Army's "disarmament" in Sadr City. Don't be fooled: Iraqi military officials are getting only a handful of weapons; at some collection points, there are no weapons being handed in at all. The Mahdi Army is about as likely to disarm as Bush is to start quoting Ovid in Latin.

-Consider Arms, "nec quicquam nisi pondus iners congestaque eodem"