Thursday, October 28, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Babe Ruth Now Back to Being Just a Fat, Whoremongering Drunk.

How the Good Guys Finally Won Are we really the same people we were only 10 days ago, when the Red Sox were down 3-0, facing a humiliating sweep in the ALCS by the hated Yankees? It seems like so much has happened since then, and it has: now we have to completely change our concept of the possible. Israel and Palestine can reconcile. Elections can work in Afghanistan. The lion can lay down with the lamb, and I can get a date with Beyonce. I am no longer elated; I have passed beyond the realm of sports emotion and into an existence of serenity and bliss. The Red Sox are the World Series champs.

Time for Couples Counseling Steven Scott Soper, an 18-year-old Marine recruit in Florida, is in jail for trying to stab his girlfriend to death for announcing that she'll vote for John Kerry. Soak up the boundless significance of this sentence: "Soper, who will enter the Marines as soon as he passes the GED test, solidly supports Bush." Throw in a screwdriver, and you've got what the White House thinks of as "the base."

Politics Makes Strange Bedfellows, Except When It Doesn't Here's an interesting story about how what sociologists indelicately call "assortative mating" is taking on political characteristics in this most heated of recent election years: Democrats are eschewing the wiles of Republicans, and vice versa. Personally, this makes plenty of sense, as I cannot even stand to be on the same sidewalk as Bush supporters this year, let alone in bed with them.

"You Are Some Smooooth!" The official re-election site of the "president" is A parody site mercilessly mocking the same leader is Now, it's not that hard to keep your Dot Org distinct from your Dot Com, but Republicans, being Republicans, manage to fuck it up. Result: tons of campaign e-mails that are supposed to go to addresses at get sent to this parody web site, which gleefully posts them for our delectation.

Terrorism Pie Following the news even casually for the last three years or so, you might be tempted to think that "terrorism" consists of things like: crashing airplanes into the World Trade Center; planting bombs on commuter trains in Madrid; blowing up resort discos in Bali; beheading journalists and posting the footage on the Internet; strapping explosives to yourself and blowing up a Sbarro; etc. Well, you would be very, very wrong, as Ann Coulter tells us: She herself is now the victim of "an act of terrorism" consisting of dudes throwing custard at her. The War on Terrorist Custard starts here.

-Consider Arms