Friday, October 29, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Only Four More Days 'Til Huge Democracy Going Out Of Business Sale! Everything Must Go - Civil Liberties, Voting Rights, Checks and Balances, Representative Democracy! All At Unbelievably Low Prices! Don't Miss This Once-In-A-Lifetime Liquidation Spectacular!

I Bet They Can Get Permission to Use "Flight of the Valkyries" John Hall, the guy who wrote peppy 70s pop tune "Still the One" (you know..."We're still havin' fun, and you're still the one"), is pissed that Bush is using the song as his re-election theme. The indignities inflicted on Bush now know no limit: He is getting chump-slapped by the hack who wrote "Still the One." Awesome.

Go, Yankees! Less than 48 hours after the Red Sox lifted the spirits of all New England, Curt Schilling has magnificently tarnished the victory by publicly coming out for Bush, and agreeing to to on campaign stops with him. Although Schilling has since cancelled his stump appearances, this does not sit well in a region that will go overwhelmingly for Kerry (particularly since Schilling draws his pay from a team located in Kerry's hometown). Thanks for the pitching, Bible boy (well, not the pitching in game one of the ALCS, that pretty much sucked), but maybe it's time to go.

Are You Better Off Than You Were 3 Years Ago? For the people of Iraq, it's an "every rose has its thorn" situation. On the one hand, Saddam Hussein's brutal dictatorship, which was based on the oppression of the majority Shi'ites and the Kurds, is over. On the other, for the first time ever, the leading cause of death in Iraq is now violence, with 100,000 civilians killed since the invasion. But, you know, Saddam was a real rotten dude, because, see, he would have killed all those people. 10 years ago, Mi6 had a song about Panama that went, "Thousands killed to catch a killer, blank papers hide the irony..." I'm glad so much has changed.

Dare We Dream of a World Without Arafat? Yasser Arafat, who first came to prominence fighting against Israel in the 1948 war (!), is ailing in a Paris hospital. No one knows how serious it is, but he's 75 years old and sick. We're going to have to start thinking about life in a post-Arafat world, which is a really nice thought because (a) Arafat will be dead. On the other hand, Arafat's death holds out the prospect of even more chaos in Israel, as there will likely be a power struggle in his organization. Wait. Did I just type "even more chaos in Israel"? Is that even technically possible?

Take the Money and Run Sadly, it seems that Loofahgate is at an end. Andrea Mackris and Bill O'Reilly have settled her sexual harassment suit out of court for an undisclosed sum, although we can speculate that it was massive. As a result, the records are sealed and we won't get to hear the tapes of Bill O'Reilly waxing erotic about falafel, but we can thank the both of them for giving our nation some much needed joy at an otherwise grim time.

-Consider Arms