Monday, May 31, 2004

Fuck the French Dauphin. America Is Led By A Child King.

In Memorial To Our Heroes, Shot To Death In The Back By More Of Our Heroes According to an Army investigation, Pat Tillman, former football star/Army Ranger/real-life GI Joe, was killed by "friendly fire" (by a memeber of his own army) in Afghanistan. Republican Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona was quick to point out that "This does not take away one iota from the heroic nature and courage of the man. The source of that fire is of little consequence in terms of heroism." Idiot Stephen Walt of Harvard was quick to point out that "...warfare is a inherently unpredictable activity. Friendly-fire accidents are a part of modern warfare and probably existed as far back as the Stone Age." When were soldiers in an organized army firing guns at members of their own army during the Stone Age dude?

This November, A Vote For LaRoche Is A Vote For Miller Beer This link is dedicated to the asshole Green Party dude in Vermont this weekend who stoicly held up a "A Vote For Kerry Is A Vote For Bush" sign. According to John Ashcroft, a vote for John Kerry is a vote for Osama bin Laden. Readng through the thin veil of this part of the Chicken Little speech ("The Madrid railway bombings were perceived by Osama bin Laden and Al Qaida to have advanced their cause. Al Qaida may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United States this summer or fall would lead to similar consequences.") and it's clear that the government is laying the groundwork to smear any future terrorist action as a plan by "evil doers" to get Bush out of office and therefore legitimize the ultimate campaign strategy/dirty math equation "Your Vote + John Kerry = Happy Osama High-Fiving Saddam In A Cave."

Finally, A Third Party Candidate We Can Get Behind! Michael A. Peroutka is running for president on the Constitution Party's ticket on primarily an "end all abortion on the first day I enter office" platform. We at the MLWL can only hope that he joins forces with the Christian Exodus movement to speed up the Rapture Ready Nation's plan to walk off the reservation.

You Wouldn't Be So Fat If You Got Wasted or Fucked Somebody So says Richard Goldstein of the Village Voice, which is rapidly turning into a NewsMax of New York. According to the CDC, youth rates of obesity are up, while rates for "risky social and sexual behaviors" (i.e. alcohol, smoking, drugs and sex) are up. Despite any correlations between the two, the brave Goldstein declares that, "This suggests that the best cure for obesity is a combination of diet, exercise, and nookie. But just imagine the stew in the pews if the CDC found lower obesity rates among young fuck bunnies." I guess our uptight and Puritanical Christian-controlled government is just too tight-assed to recommend the dangerous truth that 15 year-olds should party down and sleep around so at the very least they won't be pudgy. Consider Arms, the gauntlet of "find the dumbest work of writing from the Left" has now been thrown down at your feet.

And By "Your Art" We Mean "Utter Bullshit" Last week a fire in an East London warehouse destroyed the artwork of several contemporary modern artists. One of those artists whose work was lost, Tracey Emin, is upset at the public who has "sniggered" at the loss of contemporary art. "The majority of the British public have no regard or no respect to what me and my peers do, to the point that they laugh at a disaster like a fire. We really don't need to laugh at the culture in our own country." What exactly is the "irreplacable" art of Tracey Emin? A tent embroidered with numerous names entitled "Everyone I have ever slept with 1963-95."

-The Sikh Geek