Monday, May 24, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Go, South Carolina, Go!

Like a Hot Air Balloon Good news, Americans! The inflation rate is expected to jump 2.5 percent this month, the largest increase since the recession began in 2000. This means that gas and food prices are likely to increase. Now, normally an incumbent president would worry about rising inflation, because inflation is an economic phenomenon that can be positive at the "macro" level but always seems like an ass-fucking at the "micro" level (that's the level where the voters are). Still, the White House tells us that "inflation is not a threat," reasoning that, in their words, "Um, it's like...the farmers, and um, there's the trade (garbled), and so, like, there's not really a...(trails off)."

I Would Be Cool With This If They Were Booing Because "Ragtime" Sucked So Much Well, if it's spring, it must be time for another round of stories about knuckle-dragging yahoos shouting down commencement speakers critical of the "president," George Bush. Last year it was NY Times reporter Chris Hedges, and this year it's author E.L. Doctorow, who was "nearly booed off the stage" at Hofstra University for criticizing Bush. Interesting note: While the yokels in the stands booed, the students and professors gave Doctorow a standing ovation. It seems like they learned something after all.

Yes Nukes James Lovelock, the scientist and author of the celebrated "Gaia hypothesis," has shocked his comrades in the Green movement by saying that nuclear power is the only realistic solution to replacing the fossil fuel industries that are largely responsible for global warming. warming or nuclear power. Boy, isn't there a new reality TV show or something to get my mind off this horrifying dilemma?

Another Triumph of American Journalism Okay, it's pretty obvious even for first-time viewers of the site that I don't care for former Texas Governor George W. Bush. In fact, I wouldn't protest too much if you said that I obviously loathe him with every fiber of my being. However, I think that when this moron decides to make a speech about the ongoing quagmire he got us into, the major networks should at least broadcast it. But what are they showing tonight instead? "NBC, Fox and ABC will proceed with their scheduled programing for the 8-9 p.m. hour -- an episode of 'Fear Factor,' the finale of 'The Swan' and the broadcast premiere of Oscar-winning 'A Beautiful Mind,' respectively." Hey, we wouldn't want all that gross torture and death and stuff to interfere with an evening of "The Swan," would we?

The Chalabi Lobby Doubles In Size! Yes, that's right: there are now two defenders of Ahmad Chalabi. Neocon freak Michael Ledeen, in one of the strangest columns I have ever read in my life, has joined disgraced former Pentagon official Richard Perle in an enthusiastic defense of the Man of Cats. In response to stories this weekend that indicate the US government now believes that the Iraqi National Congress was basically an Iranian front organization, Ledeen "channels" the soul of late CIA head James Jesus Angleton (note: James Jesus Angleton believed that John Kennedy was a KGB agent) to critcize the contemporary CIA. I don't know where to begin with what's wrong with this approach. Basically, you have a an avowed "American patriot" invoking the ghost of a paranoid murderer to vindicate the reputation of a foreign spy which has been besmirched by the US government. Truly, we are through the looking glass.

-Consider Arms