Monday, June 21, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The World is Full of Crashing Bores.

Moon the Loon! Here's a First Amendment query for the ACLU: Does it tend to violate the separation of church and state for a US congressman to crown a man the new Messiah in a federal building? Because in March, U.S. Rep. Danny Davis (D-Illinois) did just that, literally putting a bejeweled crown on the head of sleazy lunatic Sun Myung Moon, who proclaimed himself "humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord, and True Parent" (technically, Moon said that the spirits of Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin called him that). This bizarre ceremony, which was attended by at least 10 congressmen from both parties, has gone largely unnoticed until recently. Now, all the congressmen involved (except Davis) are backpedaling, not eager to be associated with a convicted felon who has called for murderous purges of homosexuals (who he calls "dirty, dung-eating dogs").

Kenny-Boy: The Denoument Federal prosecutors expect to have indictments ready for former Enron boss and George Bush pal Ken Lay ready within two weeks, according to sources close to the case. Granted, it's been nearly three years before the ponzi scheme that was Enron collapsed, but the slow grinding of the wheels will all be worth it if Lay does time.

Yeah, Because Who Wants a Judge That Gets All Hung Up on Boring Details? Thomas B. Griffith, George Bush's nominee for the federal appeals court in Washington, has been practicing law without a license in Utah for the last four years. In addition, he was practicing law in the District of Columbia without a license early in 2001. Despite this, a law professor at Georgetown says a "pattern of carelessness" shouldn't disqualify him from a life appointment to one of the highest judicial posts in the country. I don't know about you, but I'd be tickled pink to bring my case before an appeals judge with a "pattern of carelessness."

The Moron Chronicles Ray Bradbury, who wrote one good and half good books in his entire life, is threatening to sue Michael Moore over the title of his new documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11." See, back in 1953, Bradbury wrote a book called "Fahrenheit 451," and he claims that Moore's movie amounts to stealing his novel. Bradbury says he won't sue if Moore will "give me back my book and my title." Boy, that '90s punk band Farenheit 454 sure got away with murder, huh? Ray, it's been more than 50 years since you wrote "The October Country" and no one cares about your cranky bullshit, especially since you seem unable to distinguish between "stealing a novel" and rephrasing its title. Go away.

Johnny, We Knew Ye All Too Well This is how we break motherfucking news at the MLWL: Four minutes ago, the AP's state wire reported that Republican Gov. John G. Rowland will resign tonight at 6 p.m. due to the massive corruption scandals that have plagued his administration over the last couple of years. The guy who was always the exception to the rule that Waterbury pols are corrupt has been brought down by scandals that we all thought he was above. You read it here first (unless, you know, you work for the AP).

-Consider Arms