Monday, June 28, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Fully Sovereign Since 2003.

It's Like Christmas Came Two Days Early! You know how when there's a hot new CD coming out, and the record company releases it a couple of days before the street date to foil the bootleggers? Well, that's the kind of managerial skill we have at the White House these days. Take that insurgents: You were probably planning on blowing all kinds of shit up on Thursday, but we handed over "sovereignty" on Monday! Boo yeah! I bet this means the war is over.

Sovereign Like the Proud Native Americans Okay, so now that the war is over and peace and democracy are flowering throughout Iraq, and Paul Bremer has gone home (his greatest accomplishment, according to him, is cutting the tax rate and privatizing Iraqi industry), what's the first thing the new, sovereign Iraqi government is going to do? How about, "anything the U.S. tells them to fucking do"? Yes, that's because, despite getting their names on the letterhead, the Iraqis still "govern" a country occupied by 160,000 foreign troops, where the exact same administrators who worked for Paul Bremer will still work in the exact same office (one of Saddam's palaces), where the Green Zone controlled by US troops will still be there (only, now it's the "International Zone"! Like Epcot Center!), where John Negroponte instead of Paul Bremer will call the shots. Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

A Little Yes and a Big No In what observers are calling a "mixed verdict," the Supreme Court has ruled that the US government has the right to indefinitely detain American citizens without charges or trial, but that detainees have the right to challenge this treatment in U.S. courts. In other words, we now have, enshrined in law, the basis for Franz Kafka's novel "The Trial." All together now: "Someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning..."

It's Not Easy Being Green Ooh! Denied! Darth Nader failed in his bid over the weekend to get the Green Party to endorse him for president; doing so would mean that Nader would already be on the ballot in many states, including "key battleground states" like Pennsylvania and Ohio. Instead, the Greens endorsed a guy who says he won't even compete with Kerry in the key battleground states. Hey Ralph: That's what's known as a "loyal opposition." Look into it, ya crumb.

It's Like "The Passion of the Christ" for Liberals Apparently all the right-wing efforts to stop people from seeing "Fahrenheit 911" worked.

-Consider Arms