Friday, June 18, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The Unpaid Overtime Edition.

Thanks for Nothing Vladimir Putin, former KGB officer and current Russian President/General Secretary/Czar, admits that after September 11, Russia gave information to the US on how Saddam Hussein was planning attacks in the US. Now he admits that information was sort of, you know, flawed. Question: Is there any intelligence agency on Earth that hasn't been playing us for suckers since 9/11?

New England's Rising Star, Indeed David Passaro, formerly a Tolland resident and an ex-Hartford police officer, has become the first civilian charged in the prison torture scandals in Iraq and Afghanistan. Passaro, a contractor hired by the CIA to conduct interrogations of prisoners in Afghanistan, is charged with beating a man to death. For people who have experience with the Hartford PD, this comes as an absolute shock, since no one who was trained by that august institution of peace officers could even concievably be involved in the mistreatment of a prisoner. Ahem.

"1-2-3-4? That's the Kind of Code an Idiot Would Have on His Luggage!" Fans of "Spaceballs" will be delighted to know that the US nuclear missile code, which during the Cold War was the only impediment that stood between the world and nuclear war, was more simple-minded than the secret code known only to King Roland. The code, according to a former US missile command official, was 00000000. Yes, that's right: eight zeroes. "The safeguard was non-functional," the official says, charitably. The codes, which were kept in the famous "nuclear football" that accompanied the president everywhere he went, were rendered at all zeroes because the military basically hated the idea that a secret code could prevent them from vaporizing Norway if the mood struck them. Rest assured, though, that such idiotic thinking has been discarded: I have it on good authority that the new missile code is "OU812," like the Van Halen album.

The South Will Rise Again, Just as Soon as They Unlock the Secret to Wearing Shoes I kid the south, but seriously, Southerners really do have a valuable and important purpose, such as serving as exotic pets for wealthy Asian families. No! I'm sorry, that's me kidding y'all again. But it's hard to resist poking fun at our shirtless, shoeless, Civil War-losing brethren when you read stories like this, about a big conference of "Confederate revivalists" happening in the South this weekend. The "heritage enthusiasts" that all they want to do is correct negative impressions of the Confederacy (like what? The impression that the Confederacy was based on slavery?), but most of the groups affiliated with the conference happen to be racist hate groups. So let me take this opportunity to say, categorically and for all time: We won, you lost, case closed, go to Hell.

Today's "Thank God It's Friday" Special Lots of people have commented that Dick Cheney seems to be a drag on the Bush ticket, since he's old and evil and no one likes him. Obviously, he's not going to run for president in 2008 (although that would be hilarious), so there's a succession problem as well. So: What Republican out there doesn't have Cheney's age problem and is popular enough to help the ticket? Easy: The undead, flesh-munching figure of Zombie Reagan! At last, this web site presents a Republican ticket I can support: The brainless George W. Bush and the brain-craving Zombie Reagan. Based on the recent adulation shown to Reagan's corpse, I think this is going to be one presidential combo that helps America boldly shamble into the future.

-Consider Arms