Tuesday, June 22, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Only Eight More Days 'Til Freedom!

Teddybear Terror! Boy, I bet the terror threat level will go up now for sure: The FBI is investigating online sales of a teddy bear that wears a t-shirt saying "Bush Kills Arabs Dead." The bear was sent as a gag gift to an Arab-American judge in Michigan by a friend, and now the majestic machinery of federal law enforcement is firing on all cylinders, boldly seeking to uncover whether Al Qaeda is using teddygrams as part of an insidious new terror tactic. Watch this space, etc.

Damn You to Hell, Guy From Jane's Addiction! Perry Farrell has announced that this year's Lollapalooza tour has been canceled due to poor ticket sales. This means that I probably won't get to see Morrissey this year. Farrell: This makes you and me enemies for life.

A Mere Counting Error Fresh on the heels of the humiliation of having to admit that their previous report on worldwide terrorism last year ommitted two months of 2003, the State Department now has to make another painful admission. Hey, as it turns out, the actual number of people killed in terrorist violence last year is more than double what the Bush Administration originally said. That's right: Take the number of people the Bush gang said were killed in "global terrorist" attacks last year, double it, and you're still off the mark.

Ah, What Do They Know? Oh, Right It's not like George Bush is counting on the egghead vote, but anyone who enjoys both science and Republicanism will surely be pained by the news that 48 Nobel Prize winners in medicine, chemistry, and physics have signed a letter endorsing John Kerry for president. The pressure is now on George Bush to find 48 famous dumbasses to say they're going to vote for him.

At Long Last: A Star Trek-Related Sex Scandal This is why Connecticut will always come second to other states in the corruption sweepstakes: Our big scandal reached its climax yesterday when Republican Gov. John G. Rowland resigned for taking free shirts and stuff from state contractors. Meanwhile, in Illinois they've got a political scandal involving sex clubs and people from Star Trek. Jack Ryan, a Republican running for the U.S. Senate there, is accused in divorce filings from 2001 of forcing his wife (Jeri Ryan, formerly of Star Trek and currently of Boston Public) to go to "bizarre sex clubs" in various cities and pressuring her to have sex with him in public. Now bigshot Illinois Republicans are pissed off because Ryan lied to them about the records, and one U.S. Rep. has even called on Ryan to drop out of the race. Ah, it's great to see the party of family values at work.

-Consider Arms