TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Insert Catchphrase Here.

Just 13 Days Until a New Era of Enlightened Democracy Dawns in Iraq
Of course, before we get to that, there's the small matter of the car bombs: there were two today, killing at least 41 people.

Cheney: Saddam Had Nuclear Weapons and Used Them Against Us, Remember? Despite the fact that the 9/11 panel has ruled that there was no link between Saddam and Al Qaeda (and you know they have to be right, because they dropped that bombshell about Al Qaeda still hating us), Dick Cheney says he will still continue to claim otherwise. In fact, when asked if he would stop, you know, lying about this, a Cheney aid barked: "Hell, no!" What's it going to take? A telegram from God? "Attn: Dick. Stop. No connection between Qaeda and Saddam. Stop. Quit making shit up. Stop. Love, God."

This is Like Hugh Hefner Getting Worried About the Dangers of Pornography Ron Oxburgh, the British head of Shell Petroleum, one of the four largest oil companies in the world, shocked many in his industry this week by announcing that he's worried that global warming could lead to sudden climate change, with devastating results for the planet that not even Dennis Quaid could withstand. Umm, that's great and all, Ron, but I wonder if maybe there's something you could do about it besides worry. Think, Ron: Is there something, oh I don't know, maybe at your job that could have some bearing on global warming? This is a tough question, I know, so take a few minutes before you answer.

California Uber Alles The good news is that the state of California has become the first in the nation to insist that all electronic voting machines produce a voter-verified paper trail to help prevent voting fraud. The bad news is that California's county election authorities have until July, 2005 - or a full eight months after the presidential election - to do so. Frankly, if Bush wins, we're not going to have to do a lot of worrying about accurate vote counts. In fact, we won't have to worry about voting at all.

Congratulations, That $17 You Saved Is Enough to Keep You Eating Cat Food for a Week Okay, so there are some problems with the prescription drug discount cards that the government lamely substituted as a price-cutter for elderly people who purchase medication. The president admits as much. Part of the problem is that old people are too smart to fall for this sleazy gimmick: While the administration predicted that 7 million people would sign up for the card, so far only about 1 million have, and many of those were enrolled against their will by their HMO. But look: Some lady in Missouri saved seventeen bucks on her prescription, as Bush demonstrated in a photo op! So you see: the system works.

-Consider Arms