TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Welcome Back to the Same Old Place That You Laughed About.

So The Reality TV Show Didn't Help at All? The US Army is now facing its lowest recruitment class in three years - or, since September 11 made a lot of young Americans want to join the military. It seems logical to suppose that this has something to do with the steady stream of dead and mangled soldiers returning from Iraq, but the army insists it actually reflects the way they keep their records. Sure it does.

9/11 Commission Report: It Was "Not Me" from the Family Circus Well, they might as well. The report of the bi-partisan commission concludes that it was "a failure of imagination" rather than governmental neglect that allowed the September 11 attacks to happen, which basically means that nobody who was in a position of responsibility on that date is going to be accountable in any way. To give you some idea of what a whitewash this is, the Republican chairman of the commission today thanked Bush "for unprecedented access to documents and cooperation from your administration." This becomes almost grimly comic in light of the administration's frantic attempts to stonewall, co-opt, and otherwise thwart the investigation. Appalling.

Notorious D.U.M.P.E.D. Margaret Cho has been kicked from her headlining slot at a Human Rights Campaign rally for John Kerry, apparently at the request of Kerry. While "activists" are apparently anguished by this, comparing it to the recent Linda Ronstadt/Whoopi Goldberg affairs, I have to say that Kerry (if it was indeed he) made the right call. Cho is a foul-mouthed bigot, and our side can do fine without her. Linda Ronstadt, though, is a GD national treasure.

Bitchcraft I don't want to make a big deal out of Jenna Bush's tongue-job, except to say that if this had been 1996, and it was Chelsea Clinton, the right wingers would still be talking about it today. The funniest thing is that conservatives are claiming she isn't "really" sticking her tongue out at the press. This is taking the Jedi Mind Trick Defense to insane new levels: folks, we have fucking eyes. It's not like you need to be a semiotician to properly interpret this photo.

Bush, Reality at Odds On Iran Ever since Marcus-Marcus forwarded me a version of this story earlier this week, I have not ceased wanting to vomit in terror. George Bush is now vowing to investigate links between 9/11 and Iran (as a matter of pure coincidence, I'm sure, Halliburton just disclosed this week that their dealings with Iran are currently the subject of a federal criminal investigation). Obvious question: Why haven't we heard a single fucking word about this until now? Do they really expect to get away with this? Will they?

-Consider Arms