Friday, July 23, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: A Linda Ronstadt of Truth offending a Casino of Lies.

We Must Strike Now While Equatorial Guinea Is Weak! Fans of the Monster Limo's brand of curse-laden commentary will remember our "Iran Invasion Deathwatch" from last year. Is it time to start it again? Earlier this week, GW Bush called for an investigation into Iran's ties to 9/11, and now conservative columnists - as shown by this example - are calling for a "pre-emptive strike" on Iran before it develops nukes. Fans of ancient history will recall that this is exactly how they started building toward war with Iraq. As Orwell wrote, the war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be perpetual.

"But, But, But Wait - It Gets Worse!" - Onyx, 1994 Speaking of our great Shi'ite nemesis, the 9/11 panel has provided the third piece of the invasion puzzle: Al Qaeda links. According to the panel's goofy-ass report, Al Qaeda had/has way more connections with the mad mullahs in Teheran than it ever did with boring ol' socialist Saddam. Let's see: We've got (a) Reputed 9/11 links (b) Reputed contacts with Al Qaeda and (c) Reputed programs to develop weapons of mass destruction. Aren't those pretty much the magic ingredients that baked us the Iraq War Cake? That's it: The Iran Invasion Deathwatch is back on!

Dial-a-Catholic In addition to seeking church directories from evangelical Protestant churches, the Republican Party is hoping to attract pro-life Catholics to the ticket, and is asking Catholics to forward parish directories, which contain the names, addresses, and phone numbers of everyone in the parish. Never mind that parish directories are for church use only, and dioceses have issued strict instructions not to turn the directories over to the GOP: just one more example of those "conservatives" respecting "traditional values" by violating them.

Of Course The Government Had Something to Do With This Remember the story on "Task Force Sabre 7," the American group of "vigilantes" that was running a private jail and "fighting terrorists" in Afghanistan? Fans of U.S. intelligence blunders dating back to the Bay of Pigs can probably guess what's coming: Far from being a bunch of mixed nuts, the irregulars in Task Force Sabre 7 were, in fact, operating with the knowledge and support of the US in Afghanistan, as the government now concedes.

Scrooge to Cratchit: It's Your Fault Your Wages are Low Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve since 1923 and president of the Washington D.C. chapter of the Ayn Rand Book Club (true!), has come up with a novel spin on who's to blame for stagnant wages: we workers are to blame. Greenspan says we workers are "ill-prepared to take advantage of opportunities offered by the economy." That's funny; I thought I worked 45 hours a week for an employer that hasn't given a raise in 4 years because I work in a crooked industry full of cheapskates. I see now that it is really because I am unworthy of such opportunities as working at the CostCo that just opened in town. Thanks, Mr. Greenspan!

-Consider Arms, Lazy and Stupid Like All American Workers