Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Isaac Luria, Pauly Shore to Preside In what may be the final nail in the coffin of the venerable Jewish mystic tradition known as Kabbalah, pop sensation Britney Spears is planning to marry her betrothed in a "Kabbalah ceremony." Her Baptist parents are reportedly nonplussed, but a friend of hers optimistically opines, "Maybe there's a way to incorporate elements from both faiths, and make everyone happy." Here's how you make everyone happy: stop.

Return of the Mack I wasn't a particularly big fan of Bill Clinton's when he was in office, but damn if the old pulse didn't quicken during his speech last night. Let's hope the rest of the convention can rise to this level.

Did the Crips Donate a Whole Bunch of Money to the Bush Campaign or Something? This is a conclusion that even a moron could have drawn: If you take America's law enforcement resources and recommit huge sections of it to "fighting terrorism" while cutting the overall resource level, you're going to have to do that by paying less attention to other areas. Like, say, street gangs. Those urban menaces of the 1980s and early 1990s are back, and GW Bush is doing what every good Republican has since "law and order" became a wedge issue in the 1960s: he's getting tough on crime. No, wait, actually he's not: He's proposing to slash nearly $400 million in federal aid to local police departments (that's about 80 percent of the entire program) which are already struggling to contain the rising tide of gang violence.

Iran Invasion Deathwatch: Day 5 Iran has broken a deal with several European countries and the United Nations, and is once again building and testing machines that could produce fissile material for nuclear weapons. At last, the Bush administration is on a collision course with a regime it can identify with: Reckless, antidemocratic, and fundamentalist.

Well, That Was Fun While It Lasted In 1988, Michael Dukakis, the centrist governor of Massachusetts who was the Democratic Party's candidate for president, emerged from the July convention with a 15 point lead over his opponent, George Bush. He then immediately took a two-week vacation, allowing Bush to produce a wave of unanswered attack ads (Willie Horton, Boston Harbor, the Pledge of Allegiance) that sunk Dukakis' campaign. 16 years later, thank God we are so much smarter: John Kerry, a centrist senator from Massachusetts, plans to follow up the July convention by NOT RUNNING A SINGLE AD DURING THE MONTH OF AUGUST, essentially inviting his opponent, George Bush, to bury him under a tidal wave of negative ads. Mary Beth Cahill, the Kerry campaign manager, acknowledges the step is "risky." Substitute "risky" with "fucking idiotic" or "bordering on suicidal," and you're closer to the truth. Thanks, Massachusetts Democrats, for continuing your proud legacy of failure. We salute you, Governor Romney salutes you, and President Bush salutes you.

-Consider Arms