Wednesday, February 02, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: The New Iraqi Prime Minister Is...Dennis Miller?

They've Got G.I. Joe. Can Barbie Be Far Behind? In one of the few moments of genuine humor in the Iraq war, insurgents who claim to have taken an American soldier named "John Adam" hostage have, in fact, taken a toy hostage. Based on footage aired by the guerrillas, it appears that the "soldier" in their custody is, in fact, a G.I. Joe-type doll. If these motherfuckers touch Optimus Prime, though, I'm parachuting into Fallujah myself.

What a Resounding Success! Let Us Never Speak Of It Again Conspicuously missing from all the hoopla over what a tremendous success Sunday's elections were was one rather obvious question: Who won? Well, it's Wednesday, and while we're not entirely sure who won yet, the United Iraqi Alliance, the largest single faction, is claiming victory. Who's that, you ask? The UIA is a coalition of religious Shiite partis like the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, the Revolutionary al-Dawa Party, and the Badr Organization, which was trained by Iran's Revolutionary Guard. If you've noticed the repetition of the word "revolution" in those names, you've no doubt wondered how this faction regards the benevolent imperialism of the good ole U.S. of A. Well, fear not. Here's prime minister-apparent Abdul Aziz al-Hakim on the occupation: "No one welcomes the foreign troops in Iraq. We believe in the ability of Iraqis to run their own issues, including the security issue." Hey! That doesn't sound like gratitude to me.

Take Your Latte-drinking, Volvo-driving, Body-piercing, Tax-raising Freak Show Back to Vermont It looks like Howard Dean is all but assured to be the next chairman of the Democratic National Committee, a sign I can only take as hopeful. However, keep in mind that Dean was "all but assured" to be the Democratic presidential nominee just one year or so ago.

A Preview of Life In the USA, Circa 2011 As the lede paragraph to this story begins: "Rocked by scandals and shoddy results, Gov. Jeb Bush's drive to turn over many state services and millions of taxpayer dollars to private companies..." has apparently stalled, thanks to opposition by Republicans. Apparently, privatizing Medicaid in the state is a bridge too far even for the GOP, which is also upset that the public functions farmed out to private companies have been managed shoddily, crookedly, and behind schedule. Welcome to the magic of the marketplace, fellas.

The Man of Cats Returns! Well, so says Judith Miller, the NY Times "reporter" who is Ahmad Chalabi's biggest U.S. cheerleader these days. When last we left Chalabi, the disgraced Iraqi National Congress leader, he was ducking various warrants for his arrest and crying to the Iranians about how unfair the U.S. was being toward him. In a delusional appearance on "Hardball" after the election, Miller claimed that Chalabi, in fact, is negotiating with U.S. officials about assuming a position in the new Iraqi government, perhaps as oil minister. Miller claims this is because Chalabi is responsible for putting together the United Iraqi Alliance, a fact that the Grand Ayatollah Ali Al-Sistani will doubtless be intrigued to learn. For these insane claims (first question: Since when are "U.S. officials" going to put people who didn't run in the election into cabinet positions?), Miller cites anonymous sources. Say, Judy, one of these "sources" wouldn't happen to be a certain Man of Cats, would it?

-Consider Arms