TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Assistance from a Distance.

Ward Churchill, Honky Ward Churchill makes things hard for people on the left. Because of idiot comments like the ones that have landed him in hot water this week, it's harder than ever to have a rational discussion about the World Trade Center attacks. Now I've found something else to hold against this tenured radical: Mr. American Indian Movement is as Euro as me! Churchill is not actually Native American; his "membership" in the Keetowah Cherokee tribe was granted to him under a program designed to recognize "friends of the tribe" - Bill Clinton is another recipient. In essence, he was made an honorary Indian, but keeps acting as if he's been made to suffer his whole life because of his "indigenous" status. Dick.

You're Off the Team Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., is simultaneously dragging the Democratic Party and the great state of Connecticut through the mud. Yesterday, on the floor of the Senate, Lieberman not only voted for Torturemaster General Alberto Gonzales, he actually praised Gonzales' advice to deny Gitmo detainees their Geneva Convention rights, calling the decision "progressive" and "remarkably just." "You've got to appreciate the context," he said. Oh, we do, Joe. We do.

Eagles "A Lock" For Superbowl, Rice Says Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice (I can't believe I just wrote that) says that a U.S. attack on Iran is "not on the agenda." I'd like to propose a new way of looking at such pronouncements from this administration. In the glamorous world of professional wrestling, when a wrestler or manager or valet (or Vince McMahon) makes a pronouncement about what won't happen, that's a near-guarantee that it will, in fact, take place. "Austin, you'll never get a title match against Triple H!" means "There will be a wrestling match between Steven Austin and Triple H tonight." In other words, the Iran Invasion Watch is still on, for reasons like...

This Despite Condi's promo, the leading Iranian opposition group in exile is hysterically squealing that Teheran is almost in possession of a detonator that it would need to start the chain reaction to explode a nuclear bomb. The group says that this intelligence comes from "the Iranian people." The only way to avert Iran getting a functioning nuclear weapon, the group implies, is for a U.S. invasion that will, coincidentally, install this opposition group as Iran's new rulers. This would be worth ignoring, if only there hadn't been a similar shady opposition group with similar worthless intelligence from a similar Middle Eastern country beginning with the letters "Ira."

The Worst Are Full of Passionate Intensity Marquette University has shut down a College Republicans fund-raiser for a group called "Adopt a Sniper" that raised money "for U.S. troops" by selling bracelets that read, "1 Shot 1 Kill No Remorse I Decide." The obvious nauseating aspect of this aside, why would someone hold a fund-raiser for American troops? Isn't that what taxes are for?

-Consider Arms