TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Lord, I Apologize.

Remember the Titans For you sports fans out there, here's an interesting list of the most overpaid players in the NFL, courtesy of Fox Sports. Points for including Peerless Price among the worst investments.

I'll Never Buy a Gracie Rosenburger Record Again! Everyone knows that one of the best things about the Democratic National Convention is the famous people: you couldn't swing a dead cat in July without hitting Ben Affleck, Andre 3000, Janeane Garofalo, Michael Moore, Moby, or, sadly, the Black-Eyed Peas. It's fair to say that the Republican National Convention is going to be a little less star-studded. The "top celebrities" confirmed so far: Country duo Brooks and Dunn (who I've seen live, oddly, and who have the gentle, loving chemistry of a long-term gay couple), country singer Lee Ann Womack, country singer Daryl Worley (have you forgotten?), old softcore porn star Bo Derek, and Alec Baldwin's cracked-out brother Stephen, who became a born-again Christian after nearly dying from "hard living." Even their celebrity sycophants suck; can this administration do nothing right?

Although He Doesn't Know Latin, He Knows the Meaning of "Post Facto" A week after those sleazy ads by the "Swift Boat Veterans" stopped airing, "President" George W. Bush finally got around to condemning them. Meanwhile, Bob Dole apologized (sort of) for casting doubt on Kerry's three Purple Hearts. Anyone who can tell me why what happened in the Mekong Delta 36 years ago is playing such an important part in this presidential election gets a prize.

Republican Senators in "Good Idea" Shocker Wow. Eight GOP Senators have come out with a plan to reorganize the nation's intelligence that would essentially eliminate the CIA, place the NSA more firmly under civilian control, and remove the Pentagon entirely from the business of gathering intelligence. I'm certainly no expert, but anything the White House (including Donald Rumsfeld) says is a bad idea has to have some merit.

I Will Never Get Tired of Gloating Over This Arnold Schwarzenegger, the "governator" elected in the undemocratic recall vote by all those Californians eager to thumb their noses at us snobs "back East" (with all our highfalutin concern over "qualifications" and "basic competence"), has once again rewarded those voters who believed his campaign promise not to cut any funding for education or children. The Children's System of Care, a 20-year-old state program that provides therapy, case management, and emergency intervention for thousands of children with mental illness and emotional disorders, has been obliterated by Schwarzenegger's line-item veto. Such a bold and courageous decision, the muscle-bound molester announced, was "necessary to help build a prudent reserve and bring ongoing expenditures in line with existing resources over the long term." In other words, "I have sold my soul to Satan."

-Consider Arms