TODAY'S TOP FIVE: If You Smell What Barack is Cooking.

Ugly The Iraqi insurgents continue to be more proficient at killing their fellow Iraqis than at "resisting" the "foreign enemy": over the weekend, they attacked the quiet, apolitical Christian community with bombs at church services that killed 12 people.

Republicans for Kerry "Welcome back to the fight. This time, I know our side will win."

Trent Lott: I'm Not Too Loathsome to Notice Trent Lott is out on the stump in Mississippi, hilariously calling John Kerry "a French-speaking Socialist from Boston, Massachusetts." Is that better or worse than being a race-baiting failure from Jackson, Mississippi?

Another Outstanding Exemplar of Republican Values JonBenet Ramsey's creepy dad, John, is running for the Republican nomination for a state representative election in rural northern Michigan. Next: Scott Peterson for Modesto City Council.

Only a Truly Honest Man Would Rip Off the Homeless Another snapshot from the parade of integrity that is Ralph Nader's Republican-backed campaign: In the city of Philadelphia, the Naderites promised to pay homeless people if they went out and got signatures needed to get Darth Nader on the Pennsylvania state ballot. The homeless duly complied, but when it came time to collect their pay, the people who are working to restore justice and honor in national politics refused to make good on their promise. Initially, Nader's campaign chairman in the city would only meet with the homeless when accompanied by armed guards; after an ugly scene at headquarters, the Naderites abandoned the building altogether and hightailed it out of town like Lyle Lanley fleeing another shoddy monorail. Predictably, the Naderites blame the Democrats for their own mess.

-Consider Arms