TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Much Preferred it the Other Way.

What Are You Grinning At? In an effort to make their drizzly, cold island seem even more grim, the British have now banned smiles. That's right: People getting passport photos will no longer be allowed to smile, apparently because of something to do with the war on terrorism. Who's in charge over there? Gargamel?

He Came from the Future to Wreck John Connor's Public Education Although economists keep talking about a recovery, that phantom phenom hasn't trickled down to state and local government yet. States in particular are facing massive revenue shortfalls (cuts in federal aid account for a significant portion of that) and are making due by raising taxes, which is the only solution available to them. Most states, that is, except for California. Even liberal Californians are so proud of their "transgressive" installation of pretend robot Arnold Schwarzenegger as "governator," just as a defiant five-year-old might be proud of shitting himself. But how's the governator handling his state's budget crisis? Essentially, by borrowing $16 billion this year alone - and putting the burden on future Californians to pay it back. Where do you think the money for that's going to come from - taxes? No. It's going to come from public schools, healthcare, social programs, roads, etc. Are you fools still proud of your moron decision to support the recall now?

Katherine Harris: We Stopped a Terrorist Plot to Blow Up Narnia Florida congresshag Katherine Harris - who democracy fans will remember as the hatched-face pointperson of the 2000 Bush coup in Florida - has disconcerted officials in Florida and Indiana by claiming that the mayor of Carmel, Ind. recently told her that a "Middle Eastern man" had been arrested with tons of explosives in that Indianapolis suburb. The mayor of Carmel says he has never spoken with Harris in his life, and both local and federal officials say they never made such an arrest. Since this broke, Harris has apologized, but not for lying: for revealing "sensitive information." Um, does it still count as sensitive information if you just make it up?

I Believe That's Called a "Freudian Slip" George W. Bush is known for his inability to properly speak his native language. Sometimes this results in malapropisms ("they misunderestimtated me"), sometimes in frankly bizarre imagery ("we have to make the pie higher"). Sometimes, though, you get the feeling that the truth of what he meant somehow just slipped out. Case in point: At the signing ceremony for the massive new defense spending bill ($417 billion - Bush said he would veto anything more than $290 billion), Bush proudly told the assembly, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." So you see, we CAN find common ground with the Islamists.

I Don't Mean "Raghead" in a Pejorative Sense Charlie Daniels, long an irrelevant boil on the ass of country music, is getting some flak about performing a song that calls Arabs "ragheads" at a municipal fair in Dearborn, Michigan, heart of the largest Arab-American community in the United States. Daniels, though, insists he isn't making fun of ALL people who wear turbans, just terrorists. Thanks for clearing that up, Charlie.

-Consider Arms