Tuesday, January 13, 2009
People are Weird About Taphophobia
Have you ever heard of taphophobia (or taphephobia)? Neither had I until I recently saw a news story about more and more people being buried with their cell phones. Can you believe that? For those of you like me, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Taphophobia is the fear of being buried alive. Apparently this used to happen a lot in the yesteryears because doctors were pretty bad at correctly diagnosing death. Yeah. Think about that for a minute. My previous biggest fear was being burned alive by lava. Now it's being buried alive. If I'm buried alive with my cell phone, I guess I could call someone. Or I could check the Drudge Report every half hour for breaking news. On the other hand, if I really am dead, there is a good chance that not everyone will find out. I'll just have to record an out-of-office message that says, "Hey. You've reached me, but I am dead. I'll return your call on my next trip to life. Have a great day." But seriously, it seems that some people are burying their loved ones with cell phones so they can call the phone and still hear that person's voice. How comforting.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The LAPD Shoots Babies, Don't They...?
The Worst State Ever. A man is on trial for beating his three-year old child to death, after an extended period of time in which he would force the toddler to box with him. Said the child's aunt, "(The father) was trying to teach him how to fight. He was concerned that the child might be gay." Of course this happened in Florida.
Performance Art Gets Great If by great you mean "now included a douchebage who inflates his forehead and calls it art." Dude, sometimes when you're the "only person in the world" who does something, it's because the 6 billion other people on the planet are too smart to do what you're doing.
A 'We're Bigger Than Jesus' For Our Times Coldplay's Chris Martin first became a major douchebag when he started writing shit on his hands for magazine shoots like little "equality" signs (take note Eddie Vedder!) and blurbs about fair trade. Then he started wearing colored tape on his fingers for various causes and at this point I expect him to make a "statement" by wearing a monochromiatic clown suit and a diaper for his next Rolling Stone cover. Anyhoo, Martin described Live8 as "the greatest thing that's ever been organized, probably, in the history of the world" so I thought it might be nice to look back at the original Live Aid concerts and see what they created: a Stalinist-style resettlement project.
Time For A New Nickname Marcus Marcus Your current one has just been taken over by a soda brand...
The Logic of Suicide Terrorism put out by The American Conservative, Why The War In Iraq Has Made Us Less Safe put out by Time, and another article I am too lazy to write a clever link to.
Davis Rees, I Love You...
-The Sikh Geek
The Worst State Ever. A man is on trial for beating his three-year old child to death, after an extended period of time in which he would force the toddler to box with him. Said the child's aunt, "(The father) was trying to teach him how to fight. He was concerned that the child might be gay." Of course this happened in Florida.
Performance Art Gets Great If by great you mean "now included a douchebage who inflates his forehead and calls it art." Dude, sometimes when you're the "only person in the world" who does something, it's because the 6 billion other people on the planet are too smart to do what you're doing.
A 'We're Bigger Than Jesus' For Our Times Coldplay's Chris Martin first became a major douchebag when he started writing shit on his hands for magazine shoots like little "equality" signs (take note Eddie Vedder!) and blurbs about fair trade. Then he started wearing colored tape on his fingers for various causes and at this point I expect him to make a "statement" by wearing a monochromiatic clown suit and a diaper for his next Rolling Stone cover. Anyhoo, Martin described Live8 as "the greatest thing that's ever been organized, probably, in the history of the world" so I thought it might be nice to look back at the original Live Aid concerts and see what they created: a Stalinist-style resettlement project.
Time For A New Nickname Marcus Marcus Your current one has just been taken over by a soda brand...
The Logic of Suicide Terrorism put out by The American Conservative, Why The War In Iraq Has Made Us Less Safe put out by Time, and another article I am too lazy to write a clever link to.
Davis Rees, I Love You...
-The Sikh Geek
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Rove Overboard?
"You're In A Bad Spot, Here, Scott..." Yes, the administration may or may not be in trouble over revelations that Karl Rove was the source for Bob "Furry Slug" Novak's column leaking Valerie Plame's name. But whether or not Rove's leaking was illegal, let's focus on the point we as Americans can all agree on: the transcript of the press corps suddenly grilling Scot McClellan like they're actual reporters is really, really awesome.
British Police Raid 5 Homes in Leeds in Wake of London Bombings Investigators say the action is "directly connected" to the investigation of the bombings, but there are no reported arrests yet.
ETA Bombs Spanish Power Plant; No Injuries It's unclear what this means for the Basque separatist group's stance on possible talks with the Spanish government, which Prime Minister Zapatero recently approved. Either ETA is rejecting the talks outright, or is planning to enter into talks from a position of strength.
New Monaco Monarch Assures Continued Survival Of 'Prince Albert In A Can' Jokes But, in a classless move, he didn't invite his illegitimate son to his coronation. If this were 13th century Scotland, that would be cause for a regicide.
Bush Meets With Top Senators on SCOTUS Nominees But the bipartisan group of senators came away from the meeting without a list of candidates to ponder; provoking speculation that Hamlet Bush has been politically paralyzed by Plamegate.
Hillary Compares Bush to MAD Magazine Mascot I really only included this link because of the headline on the Telegraph Story: "Bush is like comic book idiot, says Mrs. Clinton."
BTK Killer's Home Sold At Auction To Strip Club Owner More of those red state values we keep hearing so much about.
Phone Headsets In Cars Not Any Safer: Study Oh, the next thing you're going to tell me is that it's not safe to drive while drunk.
Weekly Reader Editor Arrested For Soliciting Sex With Minor Over Internet I knew all those Weekly Readers I read in elementary school were somehow...unwholesome.
Major U.S. Pullout From Iraq Expected To Begin In '06 Just in time for midterm elections, as it happens.
Poll: Bush Approval Ratings Up One Percent So much for the gain in support Fox News was predicting following the London attacks.
Reserve and National Guard Troop Levels Continue To Fall From a peak of 220,000 active duty reserves in 2003, there are now 138,000, as more and more reserves meet the 24-month maximum commitment created by the Bush administration.
- Consider Arms
"You're In A Bad Spot, Here, Scott..." Yes, the administration may or may not be in trouble over revelations that Karl Rove was the source for Bob "Furry Slug" Novak's column leaking Valerie Plame's name. But whether or not Rove's leaking was illegal, let's focus on the point we as Americans can all agree on: the transcript of the press corps suddenly grilling Scot McClellan like they're actual reporters is really, really awesome.
British Police Raid 5 Homes in Leeds in Wake of London Bombings Investigators say the action is "directly connected" to the investigation of the bombings, but there are no reported arrests yet.
ETA Bombs Spanish Power Plant; No Injuries It's unclear what this means for the Basque separatist group's stance on possible talks with the Spanish government, which Prime Minister Zapatero recently approved. Either ETA is rejecting the talks outright, or is planning to enter into talks from a position of strength.
New Monaco Monarch Assures Continued Survival Of 'Prince Albert In A Can' Jokes But, in a classless move, he didn't invite his illegitimate son to his coronation. If this were 13th century Scotland, that would be cause for a regicide.
Bush Meets With Top Senators on SCOTUS Nominees But the bipartisan group of senators came away from the meeting without a list of candidates to ponder; provoking speculation that Hamlet Bush has been politically paralyzed by Plamegate.
Hillary Compares Bush to MAD Magazine Mascot I really only included this link because of the headline on the Telegraph Story: "Bush is like comic book idiot, says Mrs. Clinton."
BTK Killer's Home Sold At Auction To Strip Club Owner More of those red state values we keep hearing so much about.
Phone Headsets In Cars Not Any Safer: Study Oh, the next thing you're going to tell me is that it's not safe to drive while drunk.
Weekly Reader Editor Arrested For Soliciting Sex With Minor Over Internet I knew all those Weekly Readers I read in elementary school were somehow...unwholesome.
Major U.S. Pullout From Iraq Expected To Begin In '06 Just in time for midterm elections, as it happens.
Poll: Bush Approval Ratings Up One Percent So much for the gain in support Fox News was predicting following the London attacks.
Reserve and National Guard Troop Levels Continue To Fall From a peak of 220,000 active duty reserves in 2003, there are now 138,000, as more and more reserves meet the 24-month maximum commitment created by the Bush administration.
- Consider Arms
Thursday, July 07, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: War is Declared, And Battle Come Down.
7 Blasts Hit London It's not in the story, but the latest AP update confirms 33 dead. A previously unheard-of Islamic organization has claimed credit, and has threatened similar attacks in Italy and Denmark.
Egyptian Ambassador to Iraq Executed The Al Qaeda group led by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi has announced that it executed Egypt's top envoy to Iraq, who was kidnapped in Baghdad on Saturday.
Arroyo Faces Increased Pressure to Resign The president of the Philippines, enmeshed in a vote fraud scandal, is now losing key allies. Meanwhile, a national poll shows that 60 percent of Filipinos want her to resign.
NY Times Reporter Jailed by Federal Prosecutor Judith Miller, one of the MLWL's least favorite reporters, has nonetheless done the decent thing and gone to jail to protect her source, unlike the weasely Matt Cooper, who agreed to testify before a grand jury.
Conan the Budgetarian Arnold Schwarzenegger, otherwise known as Governor Embarassment, has struck a deal with Democratic leaders in the California state legislature on a $90 billion budget, representing a growth of 10 percent over last year's budget. The man who promised to "trim the fat" from government and put "Collyforneeya's" fiscal house in order has presided over his first double digit budget growth, although last year's budget increased by more than 7 percent. Additionally, the budget is unbalanced, with a $6 billion deficit between revenues and expenditures. About $4.7 billion of that will be made up with one-time gimmicks, meaning that next year there will be a $5 billion hole in the budget before the first workshop is prepared. Collyforneeya should change its state motto to "Caveat Emptor."
Iraq and Iran Sign Military Pact; U.S. Mum The former enemies, who fought for nearly a decade in the bloodiest Mideast conflict of the 20th century, have signed an agreement in which Iran will provide military training and other, unspecified services. The pact is the first sign of a closer alliance between the Shi'ite theocracy and Iraq, with its Shi'ite-dominated government. A government minister replied to questions about how the U.S. might view such a deal with a member of "the axis of evil" by saying, "Nobody can dictate to Iraq its relations with other countries."
Feds Probe California National Guard Spy Unit The federal government has launched an investigation into whether the state of Collyforneeya broke the law when it created a special unit within the National Guard to spy on U.S. citizens considered "subversive." Gov. Jingles ordered the unit to spy on a Mother's Day anti-war demonstration organized by a group of senior citizens called the Raging Grannies. Despite this, the National Guard claims it did nothing wrong in setting up the unit.
Prescription Drug Abusers in U.S. Top 15 Million The number has more than doubled since 1992, with the rate of prescription drug abuse among teenagers tripling. My God, does this mean Tom Cruise was right?
-Consider Arms
7 Blasts Hit London It's not in the story, but the latest AP update confirms 33 dead. A previously unheard-of Islamic organization has claimed credit, and has threatened similar attacks in Italy and Denmark.
Egyptian Ambassador to Iraq Executed The Al Qaeda group led by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi has announced that it executed Egypt's top envoy to Iraq, who was kidnapped in Baghdad on Saturday.
Arroyo Faces Increased Pressure to Resign The president of the Philippines, enmeshed in a vote fraud scandal, is now losing key allies. Meanwhile, a national poll shows that 60 percent of Filipinos want her to resign.
NY Times Reporter Jailed by Federal Prosecutor Judith Miller, one of the MLWL's least favorite reporters, has nonetheless done the decent thing and gone to jail to protect her source, unlike the weasely Matt Cooper, who agreed to testify before a grand jury.
Conan the Budgetarian Arnold Schwarzenegger, otherwise known as Governor Embarassment, has struck a deal with Democratic leaders in the California state legislature on a $90 billion budget, representing a growth of 10 percent over last year's budget. The man who promised to "trim the fat" from government and put "Collyforneeya's" fiscal house in order has presided over his first double digit budget growth, although last year's budget increased by more than 7 percent. Additionally, the budget is unbalanced, with a $6 billion deficit between revenues and expenditures. About $4.7 billion of that will be made up with one-time gimmicks, meaning that next year there will be a $5 billion hole in the budget before the first workshop is prepared. Collyforneeya should change its state motto to "Caveat Emptor."
Iraq and Iran Sign Military Pact; U.S. Mum The former enemies, who fought for nearly a decade in the bloodiest Mideast conflict of the 20th century, have signed an agreement in which Iran will provide military training and other, unspecified services. The pact is the first sign of a closer alliance between the Shi'ite theocracy and Iraq, with its Shi'ite-dominated government. A government minister replied to questions about how the U.S. might view such a deal with a member of "the axis of evil" by saying, "Nobody can dictate to Iraq its relations with other countries."
Feds Probe California National Guard Spy Unit The federal government has launched an investigation into whether the state of Collyforneeya broke the law when it created a special unit within the National Guard to spy on U.S. citizens considered "subversive." Gov. Jingles ordered the unit to spy on a Mother's Day anti-war demonstration organized by a group of senior citizens called the Raging Grannies. Despite this, the National Guard claims it did nothing wrong in setting up the unit.
Prescription Drug Abusers in U.S. Top 15 Million The number has more than doubled since 1992, with the rate of prescription drug abuse among teenagers tripling. My God, does this mean Tom Cruise was right?
-Consider Arms
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Judge Jeff Jones For Supreme Court.
Thousands March in Protest of G8 Summit Notably absent: Bono.
Bush Urges Civility in Supreme Court Vacancy Debate Because who knows more about civility than the guy who beat John McCain in South Carolina by suggesting he fathered an illegitimate non-white child, right? But seriously, Bush is more worried about the debate over the next Supreme Court nominee that will take place in his own party than he is about any petty Democratic roadblocking. If the Democrats are smart, they'll support a "moderate" candidate, like Alberto "Mr. Torture" Gonzalez. The prospect of that empty suit on the highest court in the land is unappealing, but let's face it; Bush is not going to nominate anyone who's appealing. By attacking the moderate, the Democrats essentially give the Republicans a reason to unite in his defense; by attacking the moderate, the Democrats help widen the gap between social and fiscal conservatives, weakening the party for the next round of elections. We're going to get a lousy judge out of this no matter what; we might as well try to at least sap the Republican's strength in the bargain. For more SCOTUS strategizing, click heeyah and heeyah.
Prosecutor: Plamegate Reporters Should Go To Jail Even though they didn't write stories about the leak, and even though the reporter who did write a story about it hasn't been called before the grand jury. Ahem.
Meth #1 Drug Problem For Small-town Law Enforcement A survey of sheriffs' departments around the country has found that police officers consider the skyrocketing use of methamphetamines the number one drug-related problem. In addition to the costs of incarceration and court, counties are also struggling with environmental costs of cleaning up toxic meth labs and caring for the children of meth-addicted parents. In some rural counties, as many as 8 out of 10 people in jail are there for meth-related crimes. Meanwhile, the White House reiterated this week that marijuana is still the most serious drug problem in America.
Military Extends Homeland Operations "The document acknowledges, for instance, plans to team military intelligence analysts with civilian law enforcement to identify and track suspected terrorists."
Chilean Court Strips Pinochet of Immunity You're never too old to stand trial for murder, generalissimo.
Sentencing Set For Lil Kim Careful observers of the criminal justice scene will note that Ken Lay remains at liberty.
British Foreign Minister Says Coalition Troops Will Leave Iraq If Asked Did you know that Jack Straw used to be a Trotskyite? Life is fucked up.
Vladimir Putin Denounces Robert Mugabe As a 'Dictator' In related news: Manny Ramirez characterizes Derek Jeter as a 'baseball player.'
-Consider Arms
Thousands March in Protest of G8 Summit Notably absent: Bono.
Bush Urges Civility in Supreme Court Vacancy Debate Because who knows more about civility than the guy who beat John McCain in South Carolina by suggesting he fathered an illegitimate non-white child, right? But seriously, Bush is more worried about the debate over the next Supreme Court nominee that will take place in his own party than he is about any petty Democratic roadblocking. If the Democrats are smart, they'll support a "moderate" candidate, like Alberto "Mr. Torture" Gonzalez. The prospect of that empty suit on the highest court in the land is unappealing, but let's face it; Bush is not going to nominate anyone who's appealing. By attacking the moderate, the Democrats essentially give the Republicans a reason to unite in his defense; by attacking the moderate, the Democrats help widen the gap between social and fiscal conservatives, weakening the party for the next round of elections. We're going to get a lousy judge out of this no matter what; we might as well try to at least sap the Republican's strength in the bargain. For more SCOTUS strategizing, click heeyah and heeyah.
Prosecutor: Plamegate Reporters Should Go To Jail Even though they didn't write stories about the leak, and even though the reporter who did write a story about it hasn't been called before the grand jury. Ahem.
Meth #1 Drug Problem For Small-town Law Enforcement A survey of sheriffs' departments around the country has found that police officers consider the skyrocketing use of methamphetamines the number one drug-related problem. In addition to the costs of incarceration and court, counties are also struggling with environmental costs of cleaning up toxic meth labs and caring for the children of meth-addicted parents. In some rural counties, as many as 8 out of 10 people in jail are there for meth-related crimes. Meanwhile, the White House reiterated this week that marijuana is still the most serious drug problem in America.
Military Extends Homeland Operations "The document acknowledges, for instance, plans to team military intelligence analysts with civilian law enforcement to identify and track suspected terrorists."
Chilean Court Strips Pinochet of Immunity You're never too old to stand trial for murder, generalissimo.
Sentencing Set For Lil Kim Careful observers of the criminal justice scene will note that Ken Lay remains at liberty.
British Foreign Minister Says Coalition Troops Will Leave Iraq If Asked Did you know that Jack Straw used to be a Trotskyite? Life is fucked up.
Vladimir Putin Denounces Robert Mugabe As a 'Dictator' In related news: Manny Ramirez characterizes Derek Jeter as a 'baseball player.'
-Consider Arms
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Waiting For Lil Antonin's Take On The SCOTUS Decisions...
Modern Art: Still A Steaming Pile Of Shit. "San Francisco-based American artist Jill Miller is participating in Norwich Gallery's EAST 05 international exhibition, July 2 - August 20, 2005. Although she will exhibit a performance work, she will not appear in the gallery. At least not in the flesh. Miller's durational performance-installation, "Waiting for Bigfoot," will be located in a remote Northern California forest ("Bigfoot Country"). A live video feed will be delivered to the Norwich Gallery as real-time video via satellite uplink, 24 hours a day. The artist will live at the campsite, situated in the epicenter of Bigfoot sightings, for the duration of EAST 05."
Crash Course on the Downing Street Memos
At Least The Title Wasn't "Ghost Writer Haunts President..." Bush lied about serving during Vietnam. Bush had predesignated the war against Iraq. Bush was lousy at business. Bush didn't actually fly a plane to the "Mission Accomplished" pep rally. Stop. I'm dying from the shock.
But Still I Get Shit For My Beard At EVERY Airport Security Scan "On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States." Maybe they thought he was in the Misfits...
The Worst State Ever. "EAST PALATKA, Florida (AP) -- Federal agents raided a migrant farm labor camp where homeless men and women were kept in what labor officials called a version of modern-day slavery. Four people, including the camp's owner, Ronald Evans, face federal charges in a case that officials said is likely to grow. Investigators are looking into alleged environmental violations and drugs found at the camp in Friday's raid."
Marcus Marcus Update!
Keep Your Head Up, Or Just Keep It On A six-year-old girl was drowned and then two days later decapitated by her mother in northern California. While the events are horrifying and bizarre, the article barely mentions an even more bizarre fact. The mother "was a member of a cult that worships the late rap star Tupac Shukar."
-The Sikh Geek: Tanned, Rested and Ready
Modern Art: Still A Steaming Pile Of Shit. "San Francisco-based American artist Jill Miller is participating in Norwich Gallery's EAST 05 international exhibition, July 2 - August 20, 2005. Although she will exhibit a performance work, she will not appear in the gallery. At least not in the flesh. Miller's durational performance-installation, "Waiting for Bigfoot," will be located in a remote Northern California forest ("Bigfoot Country"). A live video feed will be delivered to the Norwich Gallery as real-time video via satellite uplink, 24 hours a day. The artist will live at the campsite, situated in the epicenter of Bigfoot sightings, for the duration of EAST 05."
Crash Course on the Downing Street Memos
At Least The Title Wasn't "Ghost Writer Haunts President..." Bush lied about serving during Vietnam. Bush had predesignated the war against Iraq. Bush was lousy at business. Bush didn't actually fly a plane to the "Mission Accomplished" pep rally. Stop. I'm dying from the shock.
But Still I Get Shit For My Beard At EVERY Airport Security Scan "On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres. Then they let him into the United States." Maybe they thought he was in the Misfits...
The Worst State Ever. "EAST PALATKA, Florida (AP) -- Federal agents raided a migrant farm labor camp where homeless men and women were kept in what labor officials called a version of modern-day slavery. Four people, including the camp's owner, Ronald Evans, face federal charges in a case that officials said is likely to grow. Investigators are looking into alleged environmental violations and drugs found at the camp in Friday's raid."
Marcus Marcus Update!
Keep Your Head Up, Or Just Keep It On A six-year-old girl was drowned and then two days later decapitated by her mother in northern California. While the events are horrifying and bizarre, the article barely mentions an even more bizarre fact. The mother "was a member of a cult that worships the late rap star Tupac Shukar."
-The Sikh Geek: Tanned, Rested and Ready
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Have You Forgotten?
Bush Speech Draws Mixed Response We can already see the public relations strategy for the coming months: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, oh, and by the way, 9/11. Bush mentioned the terrorist attacks of September 2001 five times in his 28-minute speech, which was ostensibly about the need to "stay the course" in Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.
Israeli Army Clashes With Settlers Over Gaza Pullout It's going to be a long, hot summer, folks.
Scandal-related Damage Control, Philippines-Style President Gloria Arroyo, mired in scandal since admitting to rigging an election last year, has hit upon the kind of leadership tactic that Hillary Clinton can only dream of: She is sending her husband, reeling from his own racketeering scandal, into exile.
Shi'ite Cleric Orders End to Celebratory Shootings After 3 Deaths You know all that news footage of people in the Middle East celebrating some election victory or suicide bombing by shooting their guns in the air? Did you ever wonder what happens when the bullets come down? Apparently, they kill people, as they did in Lebanon after the recent elections, hence the fatwa. In a truly awesome move, the top Shi'ite cleric in Lebanon called such displays both "annoying" and "retarded."
Redesigned Freedom Tower Unveiled, Now With 20 Percent More Freedom The new design is slightly less ridiculous than the previous one, but take heart, fans of childish gestures: the new building will still be 1,776 feet tall. About 400 feet of that will be in the form of a spire, like in the old design, but get this: In the new Freedom Tower, "The spire will emit light, to serve as a 'beacon of freedom,' according to the plans."
Poll: Majority of Californians Starting to Come to Their Senses The poll numbers continue to be grim for Gov. Embarrassment (R-Austria): Only 39 percent of Californian voters say they're inclined to accept a second term for the star of "Jingle All The Way," while 57 percent say they are not so inclined. The election is 17 months away, so let's not uncork the champagne yet, but this is fine evidence that the business of governing is turning out to be harder than the business of pretending to be a murderous robot from the future.
Connecticut Democrats Kill GOP Plan to Limit Eminent Domain First the conservatives on the Surpeme Court make the right call on the eminent domain case, and now the Republicans are blocked in their effort to limit the damage done by the majority ruling. Up is down. Night is day.
"The Indians Are Bastards Anyway" Every year around this time, the federal government releases more declassified Nixon tapes and documents. One of my favorite summer activities is reading about the bizarre inner life of Dick Nixon. Starting last year, the tapes increasingly depict Nixon as Lear and Kissinger as his fool, and this year's batch is no exception. The highlight seems to be Nixon's characterization of Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi. "We really slobbered over the old witch," he told Kissinger, who replied, statesmanly, "The Indians are bastards anyway."
-Consider Arms
Bush Speech Draws Mixed Response We can already see the public relations strategy for the coming months: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, oh, and by the way, 9/11. Bush mentioned the terrorist attacks of September 2001 five times in his 28-minute speech, which was ostensibly about the need to "stay the course" in Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with 9/11.
Israeli Army Clashes With Settlers Over Gaza Pullout It's going to be a long, hot summer, folks.
Scandal-related Damage Control, Philippines-Style President Gloria Arroyo, mired in scandal since admitting to rigging an election last year, has hit upon the kind of leadership tactic that Hillary Clinton can only dream of: She is sending her husband, reeling from his own racketeering scandal, into exile.
Shi'ite Cleric Orders End to Celebratory Shootings After 3 Deaths You know all that news footage of people in the Middle East celebrating some election victory or suicide bombing by shooting their guns in the air? Did you ever wonder what happens when the bullets come down? Apparently, they kill people, as they did in Lebanon after the recent elections, hence the fatwa. In a truly awesome move, the top Shi'ite cleric in Lebanon called such displays both "annoying" and "retarded."
Redesigned Freedom Tower Unveiled, Now With 20 Percent More Freedom The new design is slightly less ridiculous than the previous one, but take heart, fans of childish gestures: the new building will still be 1,776 feet tall. About 400 feet of that will be in the form of a spire, like in the old design, but get this: In the new Freedom Tower, "The spire will emit light, to serve as a 'beacon of freedom,' according to the plans."
Poll: Majority of Californians Starting to Come to Their Senses The poll numbers continue to be grim for Gov. Embarrassment (R-Austria): Only 39 percent of Californian voters say they're inclined to accept a second term for the star of "Jingle All The Way," while 57 percent say they are not so inclined. The election is 17 months away, so let's not uncork the champagne yet, but this is fine evidence that the business of governing is turning out to be harder than the business of pretending to be a murderous robot from the future.
Connecticut Democrats Kill GOP Plan to Limit Eminent Domain First the conservatives on the Surpeme Court make the right call on the eminent domain case, and now the Republicans are blocked in their effort to limit the damage done by the majority ruling. Up is down. Night is day.
"The Indians Are Bastards Anyway" Every year around this time, the federal government releases more declassified Nixon tapes and documents. One of my favorite summer activities is reading about the bizarre inner life of Dick Nixon. Starting last year, the tapes increasingly depict Nixon as Lear and Kissinger as his fool, and this year's batch is no exception. The highlight seems to be Nixon's characterization of Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi. "We really slobbered over the old witch," he told Kissinger, who replied, statesmanly, "The Indians are bastards anyway."
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Stop All the Downloading!
Set Your TiVos To "Stunned": Bush to Address Nation While Surrounded by Soldiers Continuing the martial theme of his tenure, the only U.S. president to dress in military uniform while in office tonight will address the nation with a "stay the course" message about the war in Iraq from Fort Bragg, NC, surrounded by members of the 82nd Airborne. Meanwhile, Bush's approval ratings have fallen to their lowest level ever, with only 41 percent of the country saying he's doing a good job.
Iraqi Deputy, 4 Others Assassinated Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the bomb attack that took the life of Dhari Ali al-Fayadh, the first member of the Iraqi parliament to be assassinated since the body took office.
Italy Seeks Extradition of CIA Agents in Kidnapping Trial Lots of luck.
Mugabe Says Tony Blair 'Not Man Enough' to Come to Zimbabwe Also challenges Blair to meet him at the flag pole after recess for a slap fight.
Study: Losing Weight Increases Chance of Early Death Don't lose weight. Don't gain weight. Just. Don't. Do. Anything.
Psychiatrists Blast Cruise for Anti-Psychiatry Remarks "And you haven't been in a good movie since 'Magnolia,'" they add.
Bush I and Clinton Take Boating Trip Together It's like that movie where James Garner and Gene Hackman are both ex-presidents. If I recall correctly, this is a recipe for hilarious consequences!
Majority of Americans Believe Bush 'Intentionally Misled' Public About Iraq War And yet, I remember being called a traitor for suggesting precisely this in the long-gone spring of 2003. Does this mean it's okay for the Dixie Chicks to emerge from the witness protection program?
AFL-CIO On Verge of Split Over Strategic Disagreements Related: Grange Riven by Dispute Over Wisdom of Paper Money.
-Consider Arms
Set Your TiVos To "Stunned": Bush to Address Nation While Surrounded by Soldiers Continuing the martial theme of his tenure, the only U.S. president to dress in military uniform while in office tonight will address the nation with a "stay the course" message about the war in Iraq from Fort Bragg, NC, surrounded by members of the 82nd Airborne. Meanwhile, Bush's approval ratings have fallen to their lowest level ever, with only 41 percent of the country saying he's doing a good job.
Iraqi Deputy, 4 Others Assassinated Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the bomb attack that took the life of Dhari Ali al-Fayadh, the first member of the Iraqi parliament to be assassinated since the body took office.
Italy Seeks Extradition of CIA Agents in Kidnapping Trial Lots of luck.
Mugabe Says Tony Blair 'Not Man Enough' to Come to Zimbabwe Also challenges Blair to meet him at the flag pole after recess for a slap fight.
Study: Losing Weight Increases Chance of Early Death Don't lose weight. Don't gain weight. Just. Don't. Do. Anything.
Psychiatrists Blast Cruise for Anti-Psychiatry Remarks "And you haven't been in a good movie since 'Magnolia,'" they add.
Bush I and Clinton Take Boating Trip Together It's like that movie where James Garner and Gene Hackman are both ex-presidents. If I recall correctly, this is a recipe for hilarious consequences!
Majority of Americans Believe Bush 'Intentionally Misled' Public About Iraq War And yet, I remember being called a traitor for suggesting precisely this in the long-gone spring of 2003. Does this mean it's okay for the Dixie Chicks to emerge from the witness protection program?
AFL-CIO On Verge of Split Over Strategic Disagreements Related: Grange Riven by Dispute Over Wisdom of Paper Money.
-Consider Arms
Monday, June 27, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Special "Stinging Dissent" Edition
Supreme Court, in 9-0 Decision, Rules that It's Not Ridiculous to Wear Robes to Work The Supreme Court decisions this term have been underwhelming. Or, if it's possible, merely whelming. The New London decision was a disaster; today's don't seem as earth-shaking. The court ruled that courthouses can't have displays of the 10 Commandments (but they can have friezes of Moses, if they're the Supreme Court), but that state capitols can. This is a decision that will please precisely no one. The court also ruled that file-sharing companies are liable for copyright infringement lawsuits, which is a decision that might have pleased King Canute. The court also ruled that Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller do not have the constitutional right not to name their sources before a grand jury, which sets up the delicious (but, in civil liberties terms, unhappy) prospect of Judith Miller going to prison.
Defeating Insurgency Could Take 12 Years, Rumsfeld Says Amidst New Iraqi Carnage Meanwhile, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East expressed frustration that his employers, the American public, are growing weary of this quagmire. "We don't need to fight this war looking over our shoulder worrying about the support back home," Gen. John Abizaid said, in response to polls showing that more than half the country now views the war as a mistake. Meanwhile, the violence has claimed the lives of more than 1,300 people since April 28, with the insurgents seemingly striking at will.
U.S. To Resume Production of Plutonium, First Time Since Cold War But when Iran does it, it's a matter of international concern.
California National Guard Identifies Your Mother As Terrorist Threat A special intelligence unit set up within the California National Guard to spy on citizens it believes could constitute a "terrorist threat" recently was exposed for spying on an anti-war Mother's Day celebration (Mother's Day, incidentally, was originally an anti-war holiday) sponsored by veterans' families and a group called the "Raging Grannies." Although this doesn't exactly strike fear into the depths of my soul, Lt. Stan Zezotarski told the San Jose Mercury News not to be fooled by the outward appearance of these deadly grandmothers: "Who knows who could infiltrate that type of group and try to stir something up? After all, we live in the age of terrorism, so who knows?" Indeed, leaked government reports indicate that there might already be grandmothers afoot in the Muslim world.
U.S. Military Confirms Talks With Iraqi Insurgents Whatever happened to the bankrupt, Ba'athist dead-enders who were on their last legs and feared democracy? Hmm, we must have killed all of them, because these insurgents are merely "representatives of the Sunni community" who seek "an active voice in the national dialogue." And instead of letters to the editor or petitions, they tend to use car bombs.
Life Can Be Tough For the Hitlers of Circleville, Ohio I say, good for them. Seriously: Why let one evil dictator screw up a perfectly good name for everybody else?
Veterans' Healthcare Budget Comes Up $1 Billion Short But the good news is, there's plenty of money for Hummer-related tax breaks!
GOP Senator Hagel: We're Losing the War in Iraq Nonsense. We won the war; it's the police action we're losing.
Cheney Says He Knows Where Bin Laden Is, But 'Weak Links' Forestall Capture "In the chain that you need to successfully wrap up the war on terror, we have some weak links," Vice President Destro said, ominously. "And I find that until we strengthen all the links, we're probably not going to be able to bring Mr. bin Laden to justice." Wait. Since when is he "Mr." Bin Laden? At any rate, if Destro knows where the Evil One is, maybe he can fill in Pervez Musharraf, who says he has "no idea" where Bin Laden is. After all, it's been, like, two weeks since the two of them last played squash together.
Billy Graham: Let Hillary Run the Country Hey, the Republicans got five Supreme Court justices to decide who runs the country; why not Billy Graham?
Schwarzenegger Seeks Truce With Democrats You certainly terminated them, all right, Governor National Shame.
- Consider Arms
Supreme Court, in 9-0 Decision, Rules that It's Not Ridiculous to Wear Robes to Work The Supreme Court decisions this term have been underwhelming. Or, if it's possible, merely whelming. The New London decision was a disaster; today's don't seem as earth-shaking. The court ruled that courthouses can't have displays of the 10 Commandments (but they can have friezes of Moses, if they're the Supreme Court), but that state capitols can. This is a decision that will please precisely no one. The court also ruled that file-sharing companies are liable for copyright infringement lawsuits, which is a decision that might have pleased King Canute. The court also ruled that Matthew Cooper and Judith Miller do not have the constitutional right not to name their sources before a grand jury, which sets up the delicious (but, in civil liberties terms, unhappy) prospect of Judith Miller going to prison.
Defeating Insurgency Could Take 12 Years, Rumsfeld Says Amidst New Iraqi Carnage Meanwhile, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East expressed frustration that his employers, the American public, are growing weary of this quagmire. "We don't need to fight this war looking over our shoulder worrying about the support back home," Gen. John Abizaid said, in response to polls showing that more than half the country now views the war as a mistake. Meanwhile, the violence has claimed the lives of more than 1,300 people since April 28, with the insurgents seemingly striking at will.
U.S. To Resume Production of Plutonium, First Time Since Cold War But when Iran does it, it's a matter of international concern.
California National Guard Identifies Your Mother As Terrorist Threat A special intelligence unit set up within the California National Guard to spy on citizens it believes could constitute a "terrorist threat" recently was exposed for spying on an anti-war Mother's Day celebration (Mother's Day, incidentally, was originally an anti-war holiday) sponsored by veterans' families and a group called the "Raging Grannies." Although this doesn't exactly strike fear into the depths of my soul, Lt. Stan Zezotarski told the San Jose Mercury News not to be fooled by the outward appearance of these deadly grandmothers: "Who knows who could infiltrate that type of group and try to stir something up? After all, we live in the age of terrorism, so who knows?" Indeed, leaked government reports indicate that there might already be grandmothers afoot in the Muslim world.
U.S. Military Confirms Talks With Iraqi Insurgents Whatever happened to the bankrupt, Ba'athist dead-enders who were on their last legs and feared democracy? Hmm, we must have killed all of them, because these insurgents are merely "representatives of the Sunni community" who seek "an active voice in the national dialogue." And instead of letters to the editor or petitions, they tend to use car bombs.
Life Can Be Tough For the Hitlers of Circleville, Ohio I say, good for them. Seriously: Why let one evil dictator screw up a perfectly good name for everybody else?
Veterans' Healthcare Budget Comes Up $1 Billion Short But the good news is, there's plenty of money for Hummer-related tax breaks!
GOP Senator Hagel: We're Losing the War in Iraq Nonsense. We won the war; it's the police action we're losing.
Cheney Says He Knows Where Bin Laden Is, But 'Weak Links' Forestall Capture "In the chain that you need to successfully wrap up the war on terror, we have some weak links," Vice President Destro said, ominously. "And I find that until we strengthen all the links, we're probably not going to be able to bring Mr. bin Laden to justice." Wait. Since when is he "Mr." Bin Laden? At any rate, if Destro knows where the Evil One is, maybe he can fill in Pervez Musharraf, who says he has "no idea" where Bin Laden is. After all, it's been, like, two weeks since the two of them last played squash together.
Billy Graham: Let Hillary Run the Country Hey, the Republicans got five Supreme Court justices to decide who runs the country; why not Billy Graham?
Schwarzenegger Seeks Truce With Democrats You certainly terminated them, all right, Governor National Shame.
- Consider Arms
Thursday, June 16, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror.
EU Ponders Putting Constitution on Hold Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.
Bush Criticizes Iranian Presidential Election Not enough disenfranchised black voters.
Five Marines Killed In Iraq Blast Since the elections, you see, everything there has been much calmer and more stable.
U.S. Ambassador: Osama Not in Afghanistan U.S. Public: Who's Osama again?
House of Representatives in 'Good Decision' Shocker The House voted to repeal the section of the ludicrously named USA PATRIOT Act that allows the FBI to examine library and bookstore records. However, President Bush is vowing to use his veto (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) if it passes the Senate. That's right; the guy has been president since January 2001, and he hasn't vetoed a single piece of legislation. What are we paying him for, again?
Democrats Use Downing Street Memo to Question Pre-War Actions of Administration And on the subject of the Downing Street Memo: it's sad when even the Monster Limo Weblog gets to a story before the Associated Press.
Jingle All the Way Back to Austria, You Steroidal Cretin Despite the fact that a tax hike is not on the ballot for this year's special election in California, Schwarzenegger continues to ignore the actual ballot initiatives, instead insisting that Democrats are trying to raise taxes. Recall, people: you did it once, you can do it again.
PBS Takes Steps to Shed Liberal Image Because in the United States in 2005, the way to achieve balance is to become conservative. Think about that, folks.
GM Warns Unions of Health Cuts GM plans to unilaterally reduce the healthcare benefits of United Auto Workers retirees, in addition to laying off 25,000 workers, unless the union agrees to concessions. Strike.
-Consider Arms
EU Ponders Putting Constitution on Hold Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory.
Bush Criticizes Iranian Presidential Election Not enough disenfranchised black voters.
Five Marines Killed In Iraq Blast Since the elections, you see, everything there has been much calmer and more stable.
U.S. Ambassador: Osama Not in Afghanistan U.S. Public: Who's Osama again?
House of Representatives in 'Good Decision' Shocker The House voted to repeal the section of the ludicrously named USA PATRIOT Act that allows the FBI to examine library and bookstore records. However, President Bush is vowing to use his veto (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER) if it passes the Senate. That's right; the guy has been president since January 2001, and he hasn't vetoed a single piece of legislation. What are we paying him for, again?
Democrats Use Downing Street Memo to Question Pre-War Actions of Administration And on the subject of the Downing Street Memo: it's sad when even the Monster Limo Weblog gets to a story before the Associated Press.
Jingle All the Way Back to Austria, You Steroidal Cretin Despite the fact that a tax hike is not on the ballot for this year's special election in California, Schwarzenegger continues to ignore the actual ballot initiatives, instead insisting that Democrats are trying to raise taxes. Recall, people: you did it once, you can do it again.
PBS Takes Steps to Shed Liberal Image Because in the United States in 2005, the way to achieve balance is to become conservative. Think about that, folks.
GM Warns Unions of Health Cuts GM plans to unilaterally reduce the healthcare benefits of United Auto Workers retirees, in addition to laying off 25,000 workers, unless the union agrees to concessions. Strike.
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Another Case of Preferential Treatment for a White Celebrity.
Now I can confidently purchase "Invincible" without feeling like a pervert.
Best Deep Throat Revelation Ever "According to originally confidential FBI documents — some written by Felt — that were obtained by The Nation from the FBI’s archives, Felt played another heretofore unknown part in the Watergate tale: He was, at heated moments during the scandal, in charge of finding the source of Woodward and Bernstein’s Watergate scoops. In a twist worthy of le Carré, Deep Throat was assigned the mission of unearthing — and stopping — Deep Throat."
20 Dead in Suicide Bombing in Northern Iraqi City of Kirkuk Meanwhile, a suicide bomber in Baghdad killed five police officers, and the police station in Kenaan was destroyed after a mortar attack.
Better Late Than Never The state of Mississippi is putting an 80-year-old Klansman on trial for the murders of civil rights activists James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner during the "Freedom Summer" of 1964. Bonus: the story is written by Emily Wagster Pettus, which is maybe the best reporter name ever.
Lawyer for CIA Terror Suspect Wants Trial Moved to Miami Say, do you think the guy accused of blowing up a Cuban airliner might get a sympathetic hearing in Miami?
U.S. Soldier Who Defected to North Korea in 1965 Prepares for First U.S. Visit in 40 Years "I'm a fucking retard," he confesses.
Flaws Discovered in Terror Watch List Among the major problems: 32,000 suspects classified as "armed and dangerous" are also given the lowest-level security rating, requiring no action by law enforcement. Oops!
-Consider Arms
Now I can confidently purchase "Invincible" without feeling like a pervert.
Best Deep Throat Revelation Ever "According to originally confidential FBI documents — some written by Felt — that were obtained by The Nation from the FBI’s archives, Felt played another heretofore unknown part in the Watergate tale: He was, at heated moments during the scandal, in charge of finding the source of Woodward and Bernstein’s Watergate scoops. In a twist worthy of le Carré, Deep Throat was assigned the mission of unearthing — and stopping — Deep Throat."
20 Dead in Suicide Bombing in Northern Iraqi City of Kirkuk Meanwhile, a suicide bomber in Baghdad killed five police officers, and the police station in Kenaan was destroyed after a mortar attack.
Better Late Than Never The state of Mississippi is putting an 80-year-old Klansman on trial for the murders of civil rights activists James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner during the "Freedom Summer" of 1964. Bonus: the story is written by Emily Wagster Pettus, which is maybe the best reporter name ever.
Lawyer for CIA Terror Suspect Wants Trial Moved to Miami Say, do you think the guy accused of blowing up a Cuban airliner might get a sympathetic hearing in Miami?
U.S. Soldier Who Defected to North Korea in 1965 Prepares for First U.S. Visit in 40 Years "I'm a fucking retard," he confesses.
Flaws Discovered in Terror Watch List Among the major problems: 32,000 suspects classified as "armed and dangerous" are also given the lowest-level security rating, requiring no action by law enforcement. Oops!
-Consider Arms
Sunday, June 05, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: It'll take more than an ozone douche to keep the Sikh Geek out of the game.
Sadly, No One Is Able To Change His Name Back From "The Asshole Who Treid To Rename Fucking French Fries" The most ball-shattering act of jingoism in the lead-up to the Iraqi War was the attempt to rename "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries." (Long time MLWL viewers should recall our early article and MC No Shame's stunning graphic.) France didn't attack us and we weren't at war with the Gauls; we were just THAT pissed off at their refusal to support or unilateral, unprovoked, illegal war based on obviously false information. Now it seems that the public servant who led the charge (with, in his own words, "God's hand") against freedom-hating potato products has changed his mind and is now a vocal opponent against the war. Says Republican Walter Jones, "I wish it had never happened." Neither do we, douchebag.
STILL Pissed Off That He Didn't Get That Shiny Red Bike... An artist in Glasgow is getting heat for a 200 square foot billboard he designed that carries such slogans as "Stop Lying to Your Children About Santa Claus." The "artist" laments, "If you try and tell kids the truth about how they're being manipulated, you're the bad guy crushing their dreams." Well, yeah... Best line of the article? "Cullen's portfolio also includes a drawing of Santa saying 'I killed Jesus.'"
Because It's Either Al-Qaeda or The A.L.F. That Will Deliver The Next Terror Attack Remember when the Patriot Act was first being pitched and Americans were told that it would only be used to fight terrorists and not abused by fighting more minor, domestic crimes? Me neither.
None Dare Call It Monopoly, Or Really Sucky FM Radio A Clear Channel sponsored anti-Clear Channel station goes up against a real Clear Channel station to ultimately get more listeners to any of the Clear Channel stations. I think.
Why it's a surveillance camera in the George Orwell Plaza!
-The Sikh Geek
Sadly, No One Is Able To Change His Name Back From "The Asshole Who Treid To Rename Fucking French Fries" The most ball-shattering act of jingoism in the lead-up to the Iraqi War was the attempt to rename "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries." (Long time MLWL viewers should recall our early article and MC No Shame's stunning graphic.) France didn't attack us and we weren't at war with the Gauls; we were just THAT pissed off at their refusal to support or unilateral, unprovoked, illegal war based on obviously false information. Now it seems that the public servant who led the charge (with, in his own words, "God's hand") against freedom-hating potato products has changed his mind and is now a vocal opponent against the war. Says Republican Walter Jones, "I wish it had never happened." Neither do we, douchebag.
STILL Pissed Off That He Didn't Get That Shiny Red Bike... An artist in Glasgow is getting heat for a 200 square foot billboard he designed that carries such slogans as "Stop Lying to Your Children About Santa Claus." The "artist" laments, "If you try and tell kids the truth about how they're being manipulated, you're the bad guy crushing their dreams." Well, yeah... Best line of the article? "Cullen's portfolio also includes a drawing of Santa saying 'I killed Jesus.'"
Because It's Either Al-Qaeda or The A.L.F. That Will Deliver The Next Terror Attack Remember when the Patriot Act was first being pitched and Americans were told that it would only be used to fight terrorists and not abused by fighting more minor, domestic crimes? Me neither.
None Dare Call It Monopoly, Or Really Sucky FM Radio A Clear Channel sponsored anti-Clear Channel station goes up against a real Clear Channel station to ultimately get more listeners to any of the Clear Channel stations. I think.
Why it's a surveillance camera in the George Orwell Plaza!
-The Sikh Geek
Friday, May 27, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others.
If Knives Are Outlawed, Only 1950s Teen Delinquents Will Have Knives British lawmakers are considering heeding a call from a nationwide physicians' lobby to ban kitchen knives, which doctors say are used in half the stabbings in the country. To think, this wussiest of countries once conquered half the known world.
Movie Execs Fear Shrinking Attendance Could Be Permanent God, please let it be so.
Pentagon Confirms Koran 'Mishandling' Okay, so is Newsweek going to retract their retraction? Also, I'm still waiting for the FBI or the Pentagon to deny a single torture allegation. Anyone? Gentlemen?
Ohio GOP Fundraiser 'Lost' $12 Million in Public Investment Funds Invested in rare coins, no less. The people of Ohio are frankly lucky that the state pension plan wasn't sunk into magic beans.
Schwarzenegger Blasted For 'Product Placement' in Political Ads Some of the California governor's education ads have prominently featured Pepsi products; Pepsi is a major contributor to Schwarzenegger, and also one of the companies that would be affected if the governor ever made good on his threat to get junk food out of schools. Surprised, California? Well, you shouldn't be, because YOU ELECTED A MAN WHOSE PREVIOUS JOB WAS PRETENDING TO BE A MURDEROUS ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE.
France Set to Vote 'Non' This Weekend If French voters reject the new EU constitution, it could spell the end of Jacques Chirac's unpopular government and weaken the country's position in Europe.
Satirical Bush Posters Torn Down in California High School Posters promoting a school play that featured a caricature of the president with a Groucho Marx-style mustache and cigar were taken down after a single student complained. Officially, the school says the posters were removed because they "promoted smoking."
Americans Are Either Cynical or Retarded: Poll A USA Today/Gallup/CNN poll this week showed that George Bush's approval ratings, at around 46 percent, are the lowest since his "election" in 2000. Moreover, huge majorities disapprove of his positions on Iraq, the economy, Social Security, and foreign affairs. And yet fully 52 percent of the public thinks Bush "has the personality and leadership qualities a president should have." Either Americans are retards, or they are cynical to a extent no one has previously imagined.
-Consider Arms, Who Is Soon to Be Decamping from the Blue States to the Red States for a Much-Needed Vacation
If Knives Are Outlawed, Only 1950s Teen Delinquents Will Have Knives British lawmakers are considering heeding a call from a nationwide physicians' lobby to ban kitchen knives, which doctors say are used in half the stabbings in the country. To think, this wussiest of countries once conquered half the known world.
Movie Execs Fear Shrinking Attendance Could Be Permanent God, please let it be so.
Pentagon Confirms Koran 'Mishandling' Okay, so is Newsweek going to retract their retraction? Also, I'm still waiting for the FBI or the Pentagon to deny a single torture allegation. Anyone? Gentlemen?
Ohio GOP Fundraiser 'Lost' $12 Million in Public Investment Funds Invested in rare coins, no less. The people of Ohio are frankly lucky that the state pension plan wasn't sunk into magic beans.
Schwarzenegger Blasted For 'Product Placement' in Political Ads Some of the California governor's education ads have prominently featured Pepsi products; Pepsi is a major contributor to Schwarzenegger, and also one of the companies that would be affected if the governor ever made good on his threat to get junk food out of schools. Surprised, California? Well, you shouldn't be, because YOU ELECTED A MAN WHOSE PREVIOUS JOB WAS PRETENDING TO BE A MURDEROUS ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE.
France Set to Vote 'Non' This Weekend If French voters reject the new EU constitution, it could spell the end of Jacques Chirac's unpopular government and weaken the country's position in Europe.
Satirical Bush Posters Torn Down in California High School Posters promoting a school play that featured a caricature of the president with a Groucho Marx-style mustache and cigar were taken down after a single student complained. Officially, the school says the posters were removed because they "promoted smoking."
Americans Are Either Cynical or Retarded: Poll A USA Today/Gallup/CNN poll this week showed that George Bush's approval ratings, at around 46 percent, are the lowest since his "election" in 2000. Moreover, huge majorities disapprove of his positions on Iraq, the economy, Social Security, and foreign affairs. And yet fully 52 percent of the public thinks Bush "has the personality and leadership qualities a president should have." Either Americans are retards, or they are cynical to a extent no one has previously imagined.
-Consider Arms, Who Is Soon to Be Decamping from the Blue States to the Red States for a Much-Needed Vacation
Thursday, May 26, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Please Stop Flushing Books Down The Toilet.
Washington Post: Koran-Flushing May Have Happened After All The best part about this whole story is that no one denies that FBI agents tortured prisoners; the big question is whether they got a book wet.
Baghdad to be 'Locked Down' as Conflicting Reports Emerge on Fate of Zarqawi 40,000 troops will soon participate in a massive sweep through Iraq's capital, looking for weapons and insurgents. Light at the end of the tunnel? Turning the corner? A dwindling band of Baathist dead-enders? Etc.?
France Looks Set to Reject New EU Constitution Not enough gypsy-bashing.
Saudi Poet Jailed After Calling For Elections But in Iraq, he'd be a heroic advocate of freedom! Too bad he's a native of our ally, Saudi Arabia, where he's just a criminal.
Dems Ponder 'Compromise' On Social Security Dismantling We'll snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if it's the last thing we do.
From Red to Even Redder The Wall Street Journal has an interesting graphic showing what current census projections could mean for electoral politics. Based on census data, states which voted Bush in 2004 (Red states) are going to keep growing, while population in Blue states will decline. In 2004, the Red states accounted for 286 electoral votes. By 2032, those same states will have a total of 303 electoral votes. In the meantime, the Blue states were 252 electoral votes in 2004, and by 2032 that number will shrink to 235. This is obviously not to say that every state will continue to vote the way it did in 2004; but by 2032, the Republicans could lose Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa and still win the White House. Start breeding, Democrats.
Avert Your Eyes: Non-Catholics in Child-Abuse Scandal According to New Orleans police and the FBI, the Hosanna Church was a front for a Satanic cult that included a pastor and a police officer, which abused dozens of children. The FBI has recovered photos and videotapes of Satanic rituals being performed that also involve child abuse. Phew - I'm glad all that "Satanic cult" stuff in the 1980s was only make-believe!
-Consider Arms
Washington Post: Koran-Flushing May Have Happened After All The best part about this whole story is that no one denies that FBI agents tortured prisoners; the big question is whether they got a book wet.
Baghdad to be 'Locked Down' as Conflicting Reports Emerge on Fate of Zarqawi 40,000 troops will soon participate in a massive sweep through Iraq's capital, looking for weapons and insurgents. Light at the end of the tunnel? Turning the corner? A dwindling band of Baathist dead-enders? Etc.?
France Looks Set to Reject New EU Constitution Not enough gypsy-bashing.
Saudi Poet Jailed After Calling For Elections But in Iraq, he'd be a heroic advocate of freedom! Too bad he's a native of our ally, Saudi Arabia, where he's just a criminal.
Dems Ponder 'Compromise' On Social Security Dismantling We'll snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if it's the last thing we do.
From Red to Even Redder The Wall Street Journal has an interesting graphic showing what current census projections could mean for electoral politics. Based on census data, states which voted Bush in 2004 (Red states) are going to keep growing, while population in Blue states will decline. In 2004, the Red states accounted for 286 electoral votes. By 2032, those same states will have a total of 303 electoral votes. In the meantime, the Blue states were 252 electoral votes in 2004, and by 2032 that number will shrink to 235. This is obviously not to say that every state will continue to vote the way it did in 2004; but by 2032, the Republicans could lose Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa and still win the White House. Start breeding, Democrats.
Avert Your Eyes: Non-Catholics in Child-Abuse Scandal According to New Orleans police and the FBI, the Hosanna Church was a front for a Satanic cult that included a pastor and a police officer, which abused dozens of children. The FBI has recovered photos and videotapes of Satanic rituals being performed that also involve child abuse. Phew - I'm glad all that "Satanic cult" stuff in the 1980s was only make-believe!
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Saint Barbara, Don't Let Me Explode.
Filibuster 'Saved' in Bipartisan Deal But in order for the Republicans not to eliminate the filibuster, Democrats have to promise not to use it. Let's all just admit we were wrong and go back to a hereditary monarchy.
Anti-Syrian Lebanese Opposition Splits Along Religious Lines That didn't take long.
Socialist/Green Coalition Collapsing As Germany Faces Early Elections On the bright side, those elections might result in us getting to use the phrase "Chancellor Merkel."
Good Taste Continues to Threaten American Industry Despite the new Star Wars movie's record-setting weekend, overall box office receipts were still down from this time last year, for the 13th straight week.
13 American Soldiers, 49 Iraqis Killed in Bomb Blasts Light at the end of the tunnel, turning the corner, insurgents on the ropes, last gasp of Baathist dead-enders, progress, democracy, etc. etc.
Penn. Man Accused of Trying to Sell Bomb to Al Qaeda Um, don't they have their own?
Texas School Apologizes to Honors Student Identified Only as "Black Girl" in Yearbook Identification was not "meant to be malicious," says White Lawyer.
Medicaid Paying for Sex Offenders' Viagra: Audit I sense an endorsement deal...
Stop Drinking Coke You should stop anyway, but definitely don't drink any Coke products while the company's workers in California and Connecticut are on strike. Yes, Sikh Geek, this includes Sprite: Remix.
- Consider Arms
Filibuster 'Saved' in Bipartisan Deal But in order for the Republicans not to eliminate the filibuster, Democrats have to promise not to use it. Let's all just admit we were wrong and go back to a hereditary monarchy.
Anti-Syrian Lebanese Opposition Splits Along Religious Lines That didn't take long.
Socialist/Green Coalition Collapsing As Germany Faces Early Elections On the bright side, those elections might result in us getting to use the phrase "Chancellor Merkel."
Good Taste Continues to Threaten American Industry Despite the new Star Wars movie's record-setting weekend, overall box office receipts were still down from this time last year, for the 13th straight week.
13 American Soldiers, 49 Iraqis Killed in Bomb Blasts Light at the end of the tunnel, turning the corner, insurgents on the ropes, last gasp of Baathist dead-enders, progress, democracy, etc. etc.
Penn. Man Accused of Trying to Sell Bomb to Al Qaeda Um, don't they have their own?
Texas School Apologizes to Honors Student Identified Only as "Black Girl" in Yearbook Identification was not "meant to be malicious," says White Lawyer.
Medicaid Paying for Sex Offenders' Viagra: Audit I sense an endorsement deal...
Stop Drinking Coke You should stop anyway, but definitely don't drink any Coke products while the company's workers in California and Connecticut are on strike. Yes, Sikh Geek, this includes Sprite: Remix.
- Consider Arms
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Warning - May Blow Your Mind, Dude.
William Saletan on the Kansas Evolution Controversy "It's too bad liberals and scientists don't welcome this test. It's too bad they go around sneering, as censors of science often have, that the new theory is too radical, offensive, or embarrassing to be taken seriously. It's too bad they think good science consists of believing the right things."
Suicide Bombs Kill More Than 60 in Iraq; Bloodiest Day Since February Corner: turned. Light: at end of tunnel. Momentum: forward.
Judge Allows United to Default on Workers' Pension Guess who's going to have to pay for that pension fund? The taxpayers - and the workers are only going to get half of what they're owed. Another success for the magic of the free market!
NY Times Tries to Shed 'Liberal' Image Okay: done. What's step two?
4 Dead in Anti-American Protest in Afghanistan The protest was sparked by a Newsweek story about how American interrogators in Afghanistan have been desecrating the Koran. Hearts and minds, baby, hearts and minds.
Right-wing Airplane-bombing Terrorist Was Also CIA Agent Shocker.
'No Motive' in California Mass Murder/Suicide Whatever happened to "crazy"?
Bush-loving Baptist Pastor Resigns Amid Purge Scandal The Rev. Chan Chandler of the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has resigned in the wake of allegations that he booted nine members of his church for voting for John Kerry. Apparently, most of the young members of the church, who had been brought in by Chandler, left with him.
$82 Billion Spending War-related Spending Bill Heads to Bush That's $300 billion on war and terrorism since 2001. Meanwhile, how's your health plan?
-Consider Arms
William Saletan on the Kansas Evolution Controversy "It's too bad liberals and scientists don't welcome this test. It's too bad they go around sneering, as censors of science often have, that the new theory is too radical, offensive, or embarrassing to be taken seriously. It's too bad they think good science consists of believing the right things."
Suicide Bombs Kill More Than 60 in Iraq; Bloodiest Day Since February Corner: turned. Light: at end of tunnel. Momentum: forward.
Judge Allows United to Default on Workers' Pension Guess who's going to have to pay for that pension fund? The taxpayers - and the workers are only going to get half of what they're owed. Another success for the magic of the free market!
NY Times Tries to Shed 'Liberal' Image Okay: done. What's step two?
4 Dead in Anti-American Protest in Afghanistan The protest was sparked by a Newsweek story about how American interrogators in Afghanistan have been desecrating the Koran. Hearts and minds, baby, hearts and minds.
Right-wing Airplane-bombing Terrorist Was Also CIA Agent Shocker.
'No Motive' in California Mass Murder/Suicide Whatever happened to "crazy"?
Bush-loving Baptist Pastor Resigns Amid Purge Scandal The Rev. Chan Chandler of the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has resigned in the wake of allegations that he booted nine members of his church for voting for John Kerry. Apparently, most of the young members of the church, who had been brought in by Chandler, left with him.
$82 Billion Spending War-related Spending Bill Heads to Bush That's $300 billion on war and terrorism since 2001. Meanwhile, how's your health plan?
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Nucular War.
World Exclusive: Elaine from Seinfeld Has Opinion Hey, everybody, it's Arianna Huffington's new "group blog" - featuring brilliant sentiments from noted thinkers like Danielle Crittenden, Larry Gelbart, Bill Maher, and Rob Reiner (an unintentionally hilarious piece called "Where Have You Gone Woodward & Bernstein?" that plumbs new depts in celebrity pseudo-solemnity). Wow, what a great addition to the marketplace of ideas. Was there really anyone in the world who thought, "What we need is another self-absorbed, semi-amusing 'riff' from Larry David"?
Hollywood Panics as Good Taste Runs Amok With two dud "blockbusters" in a row ("The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sci-Fi Shit I Didn't Care About Even When I Was 12" and "Swords!" or whatever with the elf from the hobbit movies), Hollywood is looking at its biggest slump in at least five years. Keep it up America; stop going to movies!
A Tale of Two Headlines: Bush Says Georgia Is an Example of Freedom to the World from today's Voice of America, and Georgia: Torture Still Goes Unpunished from an April 13 report by Human Rights Watch. Hey, they could still be an example of freedom to the world; a bad example, but an example nonetheless.
North Korea: U.S. Should Stop "Fussing" Over Possible Nuclear Weapons Test Reports that Kim Jong Il also urged America to stop "a-cussin' and a-feudin'," and to instead begin "a-huggin' and a-lovin'," could not be confirmed at press time.
U.S. 'Playing With Fire' On Drive to Revalue Yuan Maybe we shouldn't piss off the people who own $196.5 billion worth of Treasury securities, keeping interest rates artificially low. Because low interest rates and exuberant consumer spending aren't keeping the economy afloat or anything.
- Consider Arms
World Exclusive: Elaine from Seinfeld Has Opinion Hey, everybody, it's Arianna Huffington's new "group blog" - featuring brilliant sentiments from noted thinkers like Danielle Crittenden, Larry Gelbart, Bill Maher, and Rob Reiner (an unintentionally hilarious piece called "Where Have You Gone Woodward & Bernstein?" that plumbs new depts in celebrity pseudo-solemnity). Wow, what a great addition to the marketplace of ideas. Was there really anyone in the world who thought, "What we need is another self-absorbed, semi-amusing 'riff' from Larry David"?
Hollywood Panics as Good Taste Runs Amok With two dud "blockbusters" in a row ("The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sci-Fi Shit I Didn't Care About Even When I Was 12" and "Swords!" or whatever with the elf from the hobbit movies), Hollywood is looking at its biggest slump in at least five years. Keep it up America; stop going to movies!
A Tale of Two Headlines: Bush Says Georgia Is an Example of Freedom to the World from today's Voice of America, and Georgia: Torture Still Goes Unpunished from an April 13 report by Human Rights Watch. Hey, they could still be an example of freedom to the world; a bad example, but an example nonetheless.
North Korea: U.S. Should Stop "Fussing" Over Possible Nuclear Weapons Test Reports that Kim Jong Il also urged America to stop "a-cussin' and a-feudin'," and to instead begin "a-huggin' and a-lovin'," could not be confirmed at press time.
U.S. 'Playing With Fire' On Drive to Revalue Yuan Maybe we shouldn't piss off the people who own $196.5 billion worth of Treasury securities, keeping interest rates artificially low. Because low interest rates and exuberant consumer spending aren't keeping the economy afloat or anything.
- Consider Arms
Friday, May 06, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: In Which The British People Reward Failure and Deception.
Jolly Good Show, Captain Fuck Up! Tony Blair has pulled off the unprecedented feat of steering the Labour Party to three successive electoral victories (in British history, only the dread Margaret Thatcher's Conservatives managed the same). This means, old boy, that the British people have given the thumbs-up to lying in order to embark on an illegal imperialist war. Old habits die hard, old chap! But this was no coronation: Labour's majority is down from 161 seats to about 60; they won 36 percent of the vote to the Tories' 33 percent, and the Liberal Democrats' 22 percent. In other words, 64 percent of the British people voted against Labour. But in the kooky, spooky, mysterious and ooky British electoral system, that still translates into an absolute majority in Parliament. And you thought the American electoral system was fucked up!
GOP Congressman Admits: We Went to War for Oil Then why the fuck am I paying $2.29 a gallon for regular gas? This administration is so incompetent that it can't even exploit other countries correctly!
Secret Blair Memo Admits: We Went to War Because We Fucking Felt Like It Oh, the UK is all in a tizzy because a secret memo from Blair's cabinet was leaked showing the war in Iraq was decided on in July 2002. Big deal. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy from Centcom tell an audience at UConn, proudly, that they started planning the invasion in January 2002. You limeys were late to the ballgame!
Insurgent Attacks Kill 33 in Iraq Corner turned, light at end of tunnel, tremendous improvement, etc. etc.
Al Qaeda's Number Three Man Caught! Bin Laden Sure to Follow! Unless you talk to the CIA, the Pakistani secret service, and indepedent scholars, who say this guy wasn't #3, that Bin Laden is no closer to being captured, and that there is no - repeat, THERE IS NOT - a tooth fairy. Spoilsports.
Kerry: Supporting Gay Marriage a Mistake for Dems And if any Democrat knows about making political mistakes...
Venezuela Demands Extradition of Terrorist Suspect from U.S. I believe you mean "freedom fighter," not "terrorist," you Communist wetback.
-Consider Arms
Jolly Good Show, Captain Fuck Up! Tony Blair has pulled off the unprecedented feat of steering the Labour Party to three successive electoral victories (in British history, only the dread Margaret Thatcher's Conservatives managed the same). This means, old boy, that the British people have given the thumbs-up to lying in order to embark on an illegal imperialist war. Old habits die hard, old chap! But this was no coronation: Labour's majority is down from 161 seats to about 60; they won 36 percent of the vote to the Tories' 33 percent, and the Liberal Democrats' 22 percent. In other words, 64 percent of the British people voted against Labour. But in the kooky, spooky, mysterious and ooky British electoral system, that still translates into an absolute majority in Parliament. And you thought the American electoral system was fucked up!
GOP Congressman Admits: We Went to War for Oil Then why the fuck am I paying $2.29 a gallon for regular gas? This administration is so incompetent that it can't even exploit other countries correctly!
Secret Blair Memo Admits: We Went to War Because We Fucking Felt Like It Oh, the UK is all in a tizzy because a secret memo from Blair's cabinet was leaked showing the war in Iraq was decided on in July 2002. Big deal. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy from Centcom tell an audience at UConn, proudly, that they started planning the invasion in January 2002. You limeys were late to the ballgame!
Insurgent Attacks Kill 33 in Iraq Corner turned, light at end of tunnel, tremendous improvement, etc. etc.
Al Qaeda's Number Three Man Caught! Bin Laden Sure to Follow! Unless you talk to the CIA, the Pakistani secret service, and indepedent scholars, who say this guy wasn't #3, that Bin Laden is no closer to being captured, and that there is no - repeat, THERE IS NOT - a tooth fairy. Spoilsports.
Kerry: Supporting Gay Marriage a Mistake for Dems And if any Democrat knows about making political mistakes...
Venezuela Demands Extradition of Terrorist Suspect from U.S. I believe you mean "freedom fighter," not "terrorist," you Communist wetback.
-Consider Arms
Monday, May 02, 2005
Today's Top News: Even Laura Bush Mocks Her Husband's Pronunciation of "Nuclear."
Blair Wants Billions to Build New Nuke Weapons There's an arms race with Wales, you see.
Speaking of Nukes: US Military Wants to Give Regional Commanders Authority to Carry Out 'Preemptive' Nuclear Strikes Doesn't the Cold War, with its lower risk of nuclear weapons use, actually seem kind of quaint nowadays?
At Least 30 Killed in Bombing at Kurd Pol's Funeral About 130 people have been killed in insurgent attacks in the last four days.
Ohio GOP Treasurer Investigated for Investing $50 Million in Public Funds in Rare Coins; Now Hundreds of the Coins Are Missing Insert your own "penny ante" joke here.
US Grants $500 Million Annually to Torture-prone Uzbekistan But the key here is that they're torturing the right people.
-Consider Arms
Blair Wants Billions to Build New Nuke Weapons There's an arms race with Wales, you see.
Speaking of Nukes: US Military Wants to Give Regional Commanders Authority to Carry Out 'Preemptive' Nuclear Strikes Doesn't the Cold War, with its lower risk of nuclear weapons use, actually seem kind of quaint nowadays?
At Least 30 Killed in Bombing at Kurd Pol's Funeral About 130 people have been killed in insurgent attacks in the last four days.
Ohio GOP Treasurer Investigated for Investing $50 Million in Public Funds in Rare Coins; Now Hundreds of the Coins Are Missing Insert your own "penny ante" joke here.
US Grants $500 Million Annually to Torture-prone Uzbekistan But the key here is that they're torturing the right people.
-Consider Arms
Friday, April 29, 2005
Today's Top News: Now Safe for Nerds.
Thatcher, frustrated at failure of Conservative Party, leaves Britain as election nears Back to Mordor, it seems.
Speaking of permanent minority parties... "Give 'em Heck" Harry Reid says it will take "a miracle" for the Democrats to recapture the Senate. That's the spirit!
Schwarzenegger praises vigilante "Minuteman" border patrols; says group has been effective in halting illegal border crossings Irony is apparently not a strong point for the man from Austria. Nor, after this, will be his popularity among Mexican voters in California.
Iraq car bombs kill at least 23, wound at least 80 At least four others killed in Baghdad mayhem today.
Munch masterpieces likely incinerated by thieves Wait, what was the point of this robbery, again?
Iraqi Vice President says Sunnis may withdraw from government First, though, they'll have to actually join the government.
Islamist Web site reports Bin Laden dead, then alive Let's compromise: He's undead, like Dracula.
Interesting read: How evangelical Christians are creating an alternative universe of faith-based news Or, as Jose Ortega y Gasset said, revolution is not the overthrow of the existing order, but the establishment of a contrary order.
-Consider Arms
Thatcher, frustrated at failure of Conservative Party, leaves Britain as election nears Back to Mordor, it seems.
Speaking of permanent minority parties... "Give 'em Heck" Harry Reid says it will take "a miracle" for the Democrats to recapture the Senate. That's the spirit!
Schwarzenegger praises vigilante "Minuteman" border patrols; says group has been effective in halting illegal border crossings Irony is apparently not a strong point for the man from Austria. Nor, after this, will be his popularity among Mexican voters in California.
Iraq car bombs kill at least 23, wound at least 80 At least four others killed in Baghdad mayhem today.
Munch masterpieces likely incinerated by thieves Wait, what was the point of this robbery, again?
Iraqi Vice President says Sunnis may withdraw from government First, though, they'll have to actually join the government.
Islamist Web site reports Bin Laden dead, then alive Let's compromise: He's undead, like Dracula.
Interesting read: How evangelical Christians are creating an alternative universe of faith-based news Or, as Jose Ortega y Gasset said, revolution is not the overthrow of the existing order, but the establishment of a contrary order.
-Consider Arms
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