Friday, January 14, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Remembering When "Royal Nazi" Was Only Something We Called Our Landlord.

Too Bad the Duke of Windsor Didn't Live to See This The British royals are battening down the hatches in the face of massive public criticism of Prince Harry's Nazi costume fuck-up. I guess we shouldn't really expect them to be upset - they are a bunch of Huns, after all.

The Only Growth Industry in Iraq When it became apparent, in the wake of the Anglo-American invasion of Iraq, that the Iraqis were not a docile people eager to welcome our troops as liberators, neoconservatives in this country proposed a new justification for the war: the Flypaper Theory. Under this dubious theory, the war would draw terrorists from around the country to Iraq, where they would then be killed until there were no more terrorists. This week, the CIA's think tank reported on how this has actually panned out: Iraq has now become the leading haven and training ground for terrorists in the world.

Bush: Man, Did I Say All That Shit? What a Douchebag In a forthcoming interview with Babwa Wawa, George W. Bush says he regrets using "undiplomatic language" in his first term, like his famous challenge to Iraqi insurgents to "bring it on" (regrettably, they did) and his vow to bring in Osama Bin Laden "dead or alive" (that worked wonders, didn't it?). "So I do have to be cautious about, you know, conveying thoughts in a way maybe that doesn't send wrong impressions about our country," he said. Hey, I have a better idea: Spout all the cowboy talk you want, just don't illegally invade countries for fraudulent reasons. That would be much better.

The Damn Liberal Media Is At It Again! Among the swells giving big-money donations to the president's inaugural committee (such upstanding citizens as oil companies, Wall Street firms licking their chops over Social Security, and the lobby that wants to build nuke plants have kicked in hundreds of thousands of dollars) is an interesting one: The Washington Post, that alleged outpost of the liberal media, which donated $100,000 to the inauguration. The Post says the donation is just to secure tickets to the balls for their advertisers, but they ran a story earlier in the week suggesting that the big lobbies giving donations to the inauguration were expecting a quid pro quo. Oh, and by the way: the Post also scored an exclusive interview with the president slated to run this weekend. Just a strange coincidence, I'm sure.

Avert Thine Eyes, Peasants! Here's a story about the elaborate security procedures in place for dickbag's inaugural parade (cop fetishists are droolingly calling it a "ring of steel"), but the real gem is in the 4th paragraph: "Parade performers will have security escorts to the bathroom, and they've been ordered not to look directly at President Bush..." THEY'VE BEEN ORDERED NOT TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT PRESIDENT BUSH??? I swear, it's not going to be long before we have to refer to him as the Unconquered Sun and genuflect before his picture.

-Consider Arms