Thursday, January 06, 2005

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Hope I Haven't Overdone It.

California: Will You Ever Get Tired of Being Wrong? Hey, remember how much fun that Gray Davis recall was back in '03. Good times, man, good times. Hey, whatever happened to the Governator, anyway? Well, here's one totally awesome thing he's doing: He's proposing a law that will privatize Calpers, the state's public employee pension, which happens to be the largest pension fund in the country. This move will accomplish two things: First, it will screw people out of their life's savings by throwing them on the ineptitude of the free market; second, it will neuter one of the most politically progressive investment funds in America. In other words, it's a lose-lose situation for everyone who's not a powerful millionaire. But hey, that Gray Davis sure was boring!

The End of a Crappy Era Tucker Carlson, bow tie-wearing hostess of CNN's "Crossfire," is leaving the network, and it looks like the show won't survive his departure. CNN declined to renew Carlson's contract, and in what must be a real nut-puncher, a network executive said, "I guess I come down more in the Jon Stewart camp," referring to an incident last year where the "Daily Show" host called Carlson a "dick" to his face on the air. Well, but it's not all bleak for Carlson, who's hoping to land a primetime show on MSNBC, home of...oh shit. That's like the graveyard.

The Loneliest Whacko Rep. Mike Pence, R-Ind., is making waves by saying that he wants to roll back a number of disastrous Bush initiatives from the first term, such as the Medicare debacle and the No Child Left Behind Act. Pence says he wants to focus, rather, on balancing the budget and restoring control of education to states and cities. He says he realizes this makes him "the skunk at the garden party," but it also makes him, you know, genuinely conservative, instead of whatever mutant ideology is being birthed from the skull of Karl Rove right now. Too bad Pence doesn't realize there's no room for conservatives in the GOP anymore.

Our Christian President Says: "Tear Down the Cross"! In response to a planned demonstration by a Christian group at Bush's inauguration, the Secret Service has banned the display of crosses at the celebration. That's right; our "Christian President" has prohibited the display of the central symbol of his putative religion during his inaugural parade. Well, I expect all those "Save Merry Christmas" people to be up in arms over this, but then again, I'm a huge fucking moron.

Terrorism is So 2002 Porter Goss, like an angry monkey with a hammer in a glass shop, has made another big change at the CIA on the heels of his purge of the agency's top officers: he's canceled the daily meetings on terrorism held by the director since Sept. 11 (you remember Sept. 11: it was the day of all that terrorism). Unbelievably, this is because Goss believes the agency has been spending too much time fighting terrorism, and not enough time on "other issues"; like what, one wonders? MP3 piracy? Road rage? Tsunami detection?

-Consider Arms