TODAY'S TOP FIVE:

Fo' shaganoff.

We Want the Truth Now, Or We Want it Eventually! In the kind of commitment to getting the facts out that we have all come to know and admire at the White House, Republican evil-doer Dennis Hastert is refusing to extend the time allowed to the 9/11 panel's investigation. This courageous decision to find the truth no matter where the search leads, by the way, is nakedly political: "A spokesman for Hastert said the speaker opposed postponing completion of the report partly out of concern that it would push the release of the commission's findings — and any damaging disclosures — into the heat of the presidential campaign."

Activist Groups in "Sensible Decision" Shocker! Prominent gay rights groups are giving John Kerry "an election year pass" on the issue of gay marriage. Kerry opposes it, but the groups aren't going to make that a big deal, since they realize a Kerry presidency is going to be a hell of a lot friendlier to them than another Bush term. Kudos all around.

Wants to Spend More Time With Those Little Demon Children from "The Passion" Satanic madman Richard Perle, co-author of "An End to Evil: How to Embroil the US in a Series of Unwinnable Wars Forever," is the first rat to desert the rapidly sinking Bush ship. Although he earlier resigned as chairman of the Defense Policy Board after Sy Hersh exposed his massive conflicts of interest, Perle is now leaving the agency altogether. Just as in the case with Denny Hastert, the motivation here seems to be political: "We are now approaching a long presidential election campaign, in the course of which issues on which I have strong views will be widely discussed and debated," Perle wrote in a letter to his master, the Devil. "I would not wish those views to be attributed to you or the president at any time, and especially not during a presidential campaign."

WWARD?: What Would Ayn Rand Do? Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, 170, emerged from his crypt yesterday to croak out a warning of desolation, saying that the country will slide into anarchy unless Social Security checks are reduced and Medicare spending is slashed. Distancing himself from the eldritch figure of doom, "President" Bush says he's not in favor of cutting Social Security but is in favor of a similiarly idiotic idea which would allow workers to flush their Social Security funds down a giant toilet - er, I mean, invest it in the market.

Actually, I Had Some Teachers I Would Happily Be Willing to Describe as Terrorists The fallout over Education Secretary Rod Paige's characterization of the nation's largest teachers' union as "a terrorist organization" continues. Paige, who once said that Christian schools are superior to public schools (keep in mind, this is the federal official in charge of public education) is facing pressure to resign, now from the New York Times. Let's hope we live in a world where such things can happen.

- Consider Arms