TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Kerry in '08! Come on! Who's With Me?

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss While you were busy filling glass bottles with gasoline for your Terri Schiavo-related riot, there was a revolution in Kyrgyzstan. U.S. press coverage seems to link this revolution to the similarly bloodless affairs in Ukraine and Georgia, but there's a key difference: the Kyrgyz rebels are former Communist insiders, and the regime they toppled is that of a liberal, Western-style reformer.

Wrong Man, Right Mustache A letter signed by 59 former diplomats has been delivered to Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Indiana, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The signatories, including diplomats from every administration from Nixon to Clinton, urge Lugar to oppose the nomination of ivory-'stached neocon John Bolton to the post of ambassador to the UN. Personally, I think the idea of appointing a man who has vowed to destroy the UN to serve on its Security Council is one of President Bush's rare Dadaist touches.

Property: No Longer Theft We've all had a good chortle about the crass consumerism of Christian stores like Not Of This World, but what about the runaway shopaholism of those consummate state-smashers, the anarchists? At this year's annual Anarchist Book Fair in San Francisco, the intellectual descendants of Emma Goldman and Buenaventura Durutti came together to express their opposition to all forms of hierarchy by purchasing books, CDs, and t-shirts that say "Fuck Your Fascist Beauty Standards." As Joey Cain, the organizer of the book fair, puts it anarchistically: "A Bush election is very good for anarchist consumerism." You see? The president is getting the economy back on its feet.

The Triumphant Return of "Jeff Gannon," Ace Reporter! "Jeff Gannon," known to his parents and gay softball teammates as J.D. Guckert, has been invited to appear as a member of a National Press Club panel on issues involving blogging and journalism. "Jeff" is remarkably well-qualified to discuss this issue, since he posted GOP press releases on a blog called Talon News and was given a White House press pass in exchange. The fact that "Jeff" is not technically a journalist (and has, technically, been a male escort) does not seem to deter the National Press Club. The panel will also include phony reporter Ana Marie Cox of "Wonkette" fame, making this the first time in history that Cox will be in a room full of reporters and not be the least qualified person there.

Standing On the Shoulders of Giants The problem with the Left - liberals, progressives, populists, anarchists, what have you - is that it's no fun. The Left contains many well-meaning people (and many not-so-well-meaning people), but when it comes to cutting loose, you might as well be at a Young Americans For Freedom mixer in Indiana, circa 1963. The Left has far too many sacred cows to be effective at undermining the rapacious Bush administration and its allies, whose only sacred cow is Capital. Follow the above link for proof of this: A selection of Lefty writers desecrating the great work of Ambrose Bierce, one of America's most vile, embittered, and magnificent journalists. The well-meaning Lefties attempt a rewrite of Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," in which he spelled out the nihilist worldview in a way so witty and charming that even the people he attacks (that is, everybody) can't help but laugh along with him. Bierce had no friends or allies, and spares no one from his disdain: He not only goes after religion and politics, he goes after basic human relationships, as when, for example, he defines the word "Befriend" as "To make an ingrate." Bierce vanished in Mexico before World War I, and his masterpiece has long been in the public domain; indulge your wicked sense of cynicism here. But his successors have done a poor job matching the man's bile, because they only direct it at one source: Bierce recognized that all politicians and parties are equally contemptible, an insight the Left can't stomach (Bierce's definition of "Radicalism": "The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today"). Here's Arlie Hochschild, by contrast, breaking out the satire: "Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc." Nurse - please! My sides are splitting! Or, how about Tom Engelhardt defining "Patriotism": "How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better." A cutting insight, there, Tom. But contrast that with Bierce's definition of the same word: "Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyone ambitious enough to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first." The lesson: real satire has no friends, not even Naomi Klein.

-Consider Arms

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Kerry in '08! Come on! Who's With Me?

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss While you were busy filling glass bottles with gasoline for your Terri Schiavo-related riot, there was a revolution in Kyrgyzstan. U.S. press coverage seems to link this revolution to the similarly bloodless affairs in Ukraine and Georgia, but there's a key difference: the Kyrgyz rebels are former Communist insiders, and the regime they toppled is that of a liberal, Western-style reformer.

Wrong Man, Right Mustache A letter signed by 59 former diplomats has been delivered to Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Indiana, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The signatories, including diplomats from every administration from Nixon to Clinton, urge Lugar to oppose the nomination of ivory-'stached neocon John Bolton to the post of ambassador to the UN. Personally, I think the idea of appointing a man who has vowed to destroy the UN to serve on its Security Council is one of President Bush's rare Dadaist touches.

Property: No Longer Theft We've all had a good chortle about the crass consumerism of Christian stores like Not Of This World, but what about the runaway shopaholism of those consummate state-smashers, the anarchists? At this year's annual Anarchist Book Fair in San Francisco, the intellectual descendants of Emma Goldman and Buenaventura Durutti came together to express their opposition to all forms of hierarchy by purchasing books, CDs, and t-shirts that say "Fuck Your Fascist Beauty Standards." As Joey Cain, the organizer of the book fair, puts it anarchistically: "A Bush election is very good for anarchist consumerism." You see? The president is getting the economy back on its feet.

The Triumphant Return of "Jeff Gannon," Ace Reporter! "Jeff Gannon," known to his parents and gay softball teammates as J.D. Guckert, has been invited to appear as a member of a National Press Club panel on issues involving blogging and journalism. "Jeff" is remarkably well-qualified to discuss this issue, since he posted GOP press releases on a blog called Talon News and was given a White House press pass in exchange. The fact that "Jeff" is not technically a journalist (and has, technically, been a male escort) does not seem to deter the National Press Club. The panel will also include phony reporter Ana Marie Cox of "Wonkette" fame, making this the first time in history that Cox will be in a room full of reporters and not be the least qualified person there.

Standing On the Shoulders of Giants The problem with the Left - liberals, progressives, populists, anarchists, what have you - is that it's no fun. The Left contains many well-meaning people (and many not-so-well-meaning people), but when it comes to cutting loose, you might as well be at a Young Americans For Freedom mixer in Indiana, circa 1963. The Left has far too many sacred cows to be effective at undermining the rapacious Bush administration and its allies, whose only sacred cow is Capital. Follow the above link for proof of this: A selection of Lefty writers desecrating the great work of Ambrose Bierce, one of America's most vile, embittered, and magnificent journalists. The well-meaning Lefties attempt a rewrite of Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," in which he spelled out the nihilist worldview in a way so witty and charming that even the people he attacks (that is, everybody) can't help but laugh along with him. Bierce had no friends or allies, and spares no one from his disdain: He not only goes after religion and politics, he goes after basic human relationships, as when, for example, he defines the word "Befriend" as "To make an ingrate." Bierce vanished in Mexico before World War I, and his masterpiece has long been in the public domain; indulge your wicked sense of cynicism here. But his successors have done a poor job matching the man's bile, because they only direct it at one source: Bierce recognized that all politicians and parties are equally contemptible, an insight the Left can't stomach (Bierce's definition of "Radicalism": "The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today"). Here's Arlie Hochschild, by contrast, breaking out the satire: "Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc." Nurse - please! My sides are splitting! Or, how about Tom Engelhardt defining "Patriotism": "How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better." A cutting insight, there, Tom. But contrast that with Bierce's definition of the same word: "Combustible rubbish read to the torch of anyone ambitious enough to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first." The lesson: real satire has no friends, not even Naomi Klein.

-Consider Arms

TODAY'S TOP ONE: Captain EO Is Innocent

In Slate today, there's a little notice about BJ, the "pudgy superfan" at the Michael Jackson trial who stands outside on a ladder and yells that Sony is behind the accusations against Jackson. I realize there are more important things to think about, but for the love of God I can't tear myself away from the Jackson trial coverage. It is simply the best courtroom circus of all time. From the article:

7:35 a.m.: BJ the pudgy superfan is here in front of the courthouse again, standing on his ladder and yelling. He waves around a DVD copy of Captain EO as he chants, "We love Captain EO! Captain EO is innocent!"

BJ's become a real fixture here. Everybody knows his name. And his story: He moved here from Tennessee during jury selection just so he could hang around the trial and offer his undying support to Michael. Sadly, yesterday—during one of the breaks—BJ got kicked out of the courthouse.

Easily the most astonishing thing about this passage is that Captain EO is out on DVD. How did that happen?

Are You Sure You Want To Side With The Likes Of Randell Terry?

[note: I assume this was posted by the SG, even though it is unsigned]

"The Left's gleeful, pro-death stance"? "Willful pursuit of a woman's death by starvation"? If Jeb Bush takes the crown in '08 it's because of statements like these. That's because the Right has mastered the technique of marshalling outrage over cultural and "moral" issues, to generate votes, while advancing policies that undermine every aspect of our lives, including how we end them. When you take away the ex post facto maneuvering of Congress, the subversion of the judicial system, and the political opportunism (this may be planet earth, but it still doesn't make it right), you know what you're left with? You're left with the legal guardian of an incurable woman attempting to carry out her wishes, which have been affirmed by 19 judges and whose ethical basis is agreed upon by the majority of Americans. So let's take this point-by-point:

1. She's not terminal, but she stated that she would not want to be kept alive by artificial means, and courts from the state to federal level consistently reaffirm this.

2. The state of Florida expanded their definition of life support in 1999 to include feeding tubes. Note that this link came from the Schiavo's own web site, so even they define a feeding tube as "life support."

3. "If we assume that those who advocate her death are correct, Schiavo is completely unaware of her situation and is thus incapable of suffering physically or emotionally." So does that mean we should force her to live via life support means?

4. Conservative talking points will get you no where. No court has found any evidence that due process was denied, that's why no court will overturn the earlier ruling.

5. Actually, that's the problem. Schiavo is being treated differently by conservatives in Congress who are coming dangerously close to creating bills of attainder, this is, legislation directed at a single individual. Again, 19 judges have upheld Terri's wish not to be kept on life support as advocated by her legal guardian, her husband.

6. Saying that the call for states rights in this case makes it analogous with segregation is absurd. Why do you think SCOTUS refused to hear this case? Again, because no constitutional rights were violated. What Congress is attempting to do is circumvent the state judicial system. Are you advocating that?

7. It's a tactic to obstruct the outcome of this case in an effort to pander to the Right, nothing more.

As this excellent opinion piece in Salon points out, this is bigger than the "haters", the "God-bashers". It's about whether we allow the emotional intensity of a single case to override, and ultimately erode, our objectivity as codified in our legal system. And when Schiavo finally does expire, the Right will most certainly be there to sanctimoniously proclaim their righteous indignation and chide the Left for it's ghoulishness. Despite the will of our laws and despite will of most Americans.

--MC No Shame

TODAY'S TOP ONE: Why Not? Another Terri Schiavo Post.

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend of mine in Nicaragua, who's working for a left wing newspaper and hanging out with old Sandinistas. A real Bush-supporter, in other words. He was asking if the American media was giving any play to a story about the U.S. stationing missiles in Nicaragua. Not really, I said. It's all Terri Schiavo and Michael Jackson up here. "Terri Schiavo?" my friend asked. "Isn't that the woman the liberals up there want to kill?"

Word to that. As much as it pains me to be on the same side of any issue as Tom DeLay and the Bush brothers, I've been completely alienated by the Left's gleeful pro-death stance on Terri Schiavo. I'm not arguing about which neurologist says she's in a permanent vegetative state and which doesn't; I'm talking about the willful pursuit of a woman's death by starvation. When you clear away all the talk about culture of life, judicial oversight, Republican cynicism, and congressional intervention, that's what we're talking about: whether a woman starves to death or not.

Serious subject, but the seventh graders who make up the American Left can't bring themselves to address it with any kind of solemnity. Here's popular Lefty blogger The Rude Pundit, whose screed was approvingly linked by Buzzflash:

As the Rude Pundit said last week, she must die, for her sake, for the sake of her family, and to demonstrate that God, Jesus, Allah, whoever, doesn't want her to live. (There you go, stupid fuckers praying outside the hospice, traveling from all over the country to screech and murmur to a negligent deity: if "God" wants her to live so fuckin' badly, why doesn't "He" heal her?)...Now we know why the enemy so absurdly "protects" the "rights" of those "who have no voice": the brain-damaged, the fetuses: because those can't tell the enemy that they're just fucking wrong....Correction: Last week, the Rude Pundit referred to Terri Schiavo's brain as a "rock." More properly, it should be called a "puddle" or a "soup."

http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2005/03/quorum-of-savages-notes-from-debate-of.html

For the first time ever, I'm glad that George W. Bush is president, because it means assholes like this will be impotently frustrated for at least another three and a half years. The inability to show compassion is an ugly deficiency; since it's so common to the Left these days (the Rude Pundit is by no means an unrepresentative sample), it's almost guaranteed that nauseating little haters like this will never, ever be able to convince a significant slice of the American public to vote for their candidates.

To all the people who are complaining that the Republicans are using this case to score political points: Welcome to planet fucking Earth. Are you aware that playing politics - to the extent of turning absolutely everything into a political cause - is what all politicians do all the time? The Republicans are smart; they're positioning themselves as compassionate on a key issue in a key state. Democrats can only natter pointlessly about court proceedings while their "progressive" allies shout: "When is that bitch gonna die?" (I comment I have heard) This is why Republicans run the country and will continue to run the country for the forseeable future: because Democrats and progressives are dumb as shit.

A few points to consider before painting up those "Let the bitch die" banners:

1. Schiavo is not terminally ill. She has lived in this state for 15 years. This is not a case about "end of life" decision-making or "the right to die." The question is whether her legal guardian has the right to force her to die by starvation and dehydration.

2. Schiavo is not dependent on life support. Her lungs, kidneys, heart, and digestive systems work fine. A feeding tube is a piece of adaptive technology, not some superhuman feet of preservation.

3. If we assume that those who advocate her death are correct, Schiavo is completely unaware of her situation and is thus incapable of suffering physically or emotionally. "Relieving her suffering" is therefore not a justification for bringing about her death.

4. Schiavo, like all people, has a federal, constitutional right not to be deprived of her life without due process of law.

5. Under the Americans With Disabilities Act, Schiavo has a statutory right not to be treated differently because of her disability. Florida law obviously does not allow a husband to starve his non-disabled wife to death; in this case, Schiavo's disability makes her exceptional in the eyes of the state courts. Under the ADA, the state has the burden of justifying the line it's drawing.

6. In other contexts, federal courts are available to make sure state courts uphold constitutionally protected rights. Hearing liberals cry about states' rights - the rallying call of segregation - is ugly.

7. The law passed in Congress did not require a feeding tube to be reinserted. It simply created a procedure under which the federal courts can decided whether Schiavo's federally-protected rights are being upheld.

As Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa), a friend of labor unions and liberal causes, said, "There are a lot of people in the shadows, all over this country, who are incapacitated because of a disability, and many times there is no one to speak for them, and it is hard to determine what their wishes really are or were. So I think there ought to be a broader type of a proceeding that would apply to people in similar circumstances who are incapacitated."

http://www.slate.com/id/2115208/

Keep up the hating, though, gang, and the God-bashing and the snide juvenile jokes. Not only will Republicans hold onto Congress, but on Inauguration Day 2009, you're going to be gritting your teeth and bitching on the Internet about President Jeb Bush.

Don't Get Used To This

The Right To Die Before You're Used As A Political Pawn
As if non-stop Martha coverage wasn't enough to send me to Costco for a 2 gallon bottle of Pepto-bismol, now I have to endure the ad hominem legislative antics of our "culture of life" supporters in Washington. Yes, I'm talking about the media and political frenzy around Terri Schiavo, a woman who's condition makes Stephen Hawking look like an Olympic athlete. Won't someone please let this poor woman die with at least a shred of dignity? While I empathize with her parents and their obstinate reluctance to let go of their child, no amount of "therapy" is going to bring back a brain damaged woman 15 years after the fact. And to allow Congressional Republicans (and Democrats), along with the president, to use the family tragedy as a cheap tool to placate Christian fundamentalists and pad their voting record is just repulsive. Constitutional scholars back me up here; isn't it illegal for Congress to pass a law directed at a single individual? I won't even get in to all the obvious contradictions of being against stem cell research, being for the death penalty, but claiming you're out to protect life. So I'm saying it loud and saying it proud; for the sake of the husband, the family, and our legislative process, but most of all for the woman herself, I want Terri Schiavo to die.

--MC No Shame

Robert Blake Lives, Terry Schiavo Dies

Enough To Make Steroids In Baseball Seem Important Hats off to Rep. Al Edwards for fighting the good fight. The Texas legislator is attempting to put an end to sexually suggestive" cheerleaders. "It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down." And speaking of "breaking it down," isn't the Lone Star State always scraping the bottom in national standards of literacy and school performance? Way to pick your battles. P.S. The steroid is not entirely unimportant; seeing Mark McGuire cry like a child in front of members of Congress was priceless.

What Happened to Marcus-Marcus Anyways? Old-time fans of the MLWL have been wondering for awhile what has become the blog's co-creator and delightful poster of over a year. I wish I had good news to report, but currently he is looking for a new job...

The Hunter Becomes The Hunted The voice of The Fish on the air becomes the Fresh Fish in the jail. "Agents with the FBI's Violent Crimes Task Force arrested a Christian radio station personality as part of a child pornography investigation. Bureau agents began investigating Chris Ruleman, 40, a midday host for WFFI, 94FM The Fish, earlier this week after receiving information that he possessed child pornography."

A Thousand Flowers Of Parody Bloom Wow. Whiskey Bar does an amazing comparison between David Horowitz's anti-liberal academic crusade and the Maoist Cultural Revolution.


I Mean, What's REALLY Important About An Unqualified Gay Prostitute Gaining Questionable Access To The White House Press Room Under The Cover Of A GOP-Funded Pseudo-News Outlet For Two Years To Lob Softball Questions To The President And His Press Secretary? "The House Judiciary Committee voted against adopting a resolution demanding Bush agencies turn over all credentialing information related to James D. Guckert 21-10, the discredited conservative reporter and prostitute who wrote under the nom de guerre 'Jeff Gannon.'" Shocker.

That's What You Get For Referring To Consider Arms As "The Lowest of the Low" Bitch. Connecticut's biggest embarrassment (well, after Lieberman and that mayor who molested kids)is headed to prison for corruption. While the shitty Courant is quick to point out that Federal Prison Camp Devens isn't quite "Club Fed" we're dissapointingly sure that John Rowland won't have to beg for his life at the hands of scumbags like this.


A Cross-Country Tour Fit For The Band Jackyl

The Decalogue is hitting the Southern states with awesome opening act and quixotic political aspirant Judge Roy Moore!

Until Chris Burke Becomes A Preacher, Religion In Hollywood Can't Get More Retarded "In its apparent never-ending thirst for increased cash flow the so-called “Kabbalah Centre,” run by the Philip Berg family of California and favored by Madonna, has launched a new energy drink. The “Kabbalah Energy Drink” is sold in a red; white and blue can and produced through the same company that puts out 7 Up. A Kabbalah spokesperson says, “It’s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water” reported MSNBC. “We’re going after the Red Bull market,” he also said."

-The Sikh Geek, Weekend Warrior

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Happy St. Paddy's Day.

I've Saved Social Security! And I did it with fried Oreos: According to University of Illinois researchers, over the next 50 years, the average U.S. life expectancy (currently at 77 years) will drop by as much as five years, the first time in two centuries that life expectancy will decline in America. The reason? We're all too fat. On the bad side, this means an overall quality of life decline. On the bright side, it could have such significant impacts that the Social Security "crisis" currently being pimped by the Bush gang will solve itself, demographically speaking. So you see, every cloud does have a silver line. Eat up, fellow porkers - we're being fiscally responsible!

No Blood for Oil. Seriously Well, I guess the neocons were right: The Iraq War wasn't about getting that country's most lucrative natural resource. Yesterday, the price of a barrel of oil hit $57.24, nearly two dollars higher than the previous record, which was hit in October. Remember in 2003 when people went batshit because oil went over the $50 mark for the first time ever? Boy, I never thought I'd consider 2003 "the good old days."

Hey, Is That the Heroic Defender of Freedom Making Out With Stalin? No, it's just Australian billionaire Rupert Murdoch making nice with Communist Party officials; not American Communist Party officials, mind you, but the kind of Communist Party officials who actually kill people. This fawning report in the People's Daily, an organ of the Chinese Communist Party, details a recent visit Rupert had with party officials, who praised him for his "active efforts and strenuous work in advancing cooperation with China's news media." Rupert, for his part, vowed that he would "further strengthen cooperative ties with the Chinese media, and explore new areas with an even more positive attitude." I don't know about you, but I can't wait for Fox News' "even more positive attitude" regarding the persecution of religious groups and the murder of political dissidents.

Affirmative Action for the Stupid Bush can't stop promoting people who fail, can he? Airheaded Condoleeza Rice botches the national security intelligence leading up to the Iraq War; she's promoted to be Secretary of State. George "Slam Dunk" Tenet fucks up the pre-war intelligence; he's given a presidential medal of freedom. Johns Bolton and Negroponte both bungle their war assignments; Bolton is now the UN ambassador, and Negroponte is national intelligence director. The latest success in this parade of failure is Paul Wolfowitz, a man who uses his own spit to comb his hair. Wolfowitz is Bush's choice to head the World Bank; although Wolfowitz has no training as an economist, he did say that the occupation of Iraq would "pay for itself," which has turned out to be...insanely false. The only way the Europeans can save face on this is by making Michael Moore head of the IMF.

This Would Be a Great Way to Make 20 Grand In our 10-day hiatus from blogging, there's been a lot of important news: demonstrations in Lebanon, mounting evidence of corruption in Tom DeLay's office, the continuing unpopularity of Bush's Social Security program, the appointment of John Bolton to the UN. Instead of playing catch-up with any of that, though, we proudly present an offer for $20,000 in exchange for proof that ace reporter Jeff Gannon had sex with prominent Washington figures during his days as a male escort. Enjoy!

-Consider Arms

None Dare Call It Nihilism

"Jesus Christ was put on trial again last week in the United States Supreme Court."

Yeah, it's true. Supreme Court Justice Pontius Pilate once again tried our Lord and Savior for claiming to be the Messiah. Oh wait, it was just a ruling about fringe dipshits trying to put stone idols in front of secular courthouses. (If they were REALLY Christ-centered wouldn't they want to put up copies of the Beattitudes instead? You know, perfecting the Law and all that?)

You Could Cut The Irony With A Tiananmen Square Tank "China issued a tit-for-tat report card Thursday on human rights in the United States that lambasted the Pentagon for "wanton slaughters" abroad, belittled American elections as awash in special-interest cash and accused U.S. courts of deep-seated racial bias. The Chinese government report, which portrayed the United States as gun-crazed and unfair to minorities, came three days after the State Department released its annual report on human rights abuses in countries around the world, including China. It marked the sixth straight year that China has countered the American report with one of its own, but this year's was particularly noteworthy because it condemned the United States for abuses by American soldiers at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq."

Finally, MC No Shame Will Get Laid...

Enemy Of "Fancy Big City Book-Learnin'" Nominated As Secretary of Education Or close enough to it. As you slwoly tread through this press-release filled CNN article, you may note between the paragraph long quotes from the White House that Bush has just nominated John Bolton as the ambassador to the UN, the same man who told a Federalist Society forum, "...there is no such thing as the United Nations" and "If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

-The Sikh Geek

Every Other Weekend I Have Trouble Breathing

That's What You Fucking Get For Giving A Cake To A Finger-Biting Monkey No really, that is what you do get. You know a news article is going to be GREAT when it begins, "A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic..." What a shitty way to lose your balls.

That's What You Fucking Get For Bringing A Curse Stone Into Town Who's brilliant idea was this in the first place? "A stone commissioned to mark the millennium may be destroyed after being blamed for bringing misfortunes of "biblical proportions" to a city. Since the Cursing Stone was placed in Carlisle, the city has suffered floods, foot-and-mouth disease, job losses and a goal famine for the football team. The 14-tonne granite artwork is carved with a 1,069-word 16th Century curse. Now city councillor Jim Tootle wants the stone destroyed and has tabled a motion to discuss it on 8 March."

That's What You Fucking Get For Being An Old Woman With A Heart Attack And Not A Deranged Child-Molesting Washed-Up Pop Star Who's Pretending To Be Sick To Get Out Of His Court Dates For His Child-Molesting Charges "A woman who had suffered a massive heart attack died after hospital personnel moved her out of a trauma room to accommodate a flu-stricken Michael Jackson, the patient's family said."

This One Goes Out To Consider Arms and HakujinJoe High school zinemakers and zombie fans the two of them. A high school junior in Kentucky was arrested for writing a short story about a high school overrun by zombies. The charges? "Making terrorist threats." (Hey, remember when a scared and traumatized United States passed through the Patriot Act on the open understanding that while we'd give up liberties, they would only be used to fight "terrorists"? Do you think short stories written by teenagers about fucking zombies was part of the understanding?) Extra points to the shit-for-brains judge for raising the kid's bond to $5,000 from $1,000 "citing the seriousness of the charge." And extra extra points to the kid's own grandparents who fucking sold their grandson down the river. If only that fucking school COULD get overrun by zombies... it just might get a little smarter.

-The Sikh Geek

Hatred For The Past and Present

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ..." "House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said today there is no constitutional guarantee of separation of church and state as the Supreme Court prepared to take up a case challenging the display of the Ten Commandments on the Texas Capitol grounds." "I hope the Supreme Court will finally read the Constitution and see there's no such thing, or no mention, of separation of church and state in the Constitution." As the former governor of Connecticut John Rowland can attest to, bold grasps at religion are the desperate last moves of corrupt bastards.

A Word From Our Sponsor: Bad Idea Jeans Looking good Arizona! "The House of Representatives voted Tuesday to let people carry weapons - including guns, grenades, rockets, mines and sawed-off shotguns - into schools, polling places and nuclear plants if they claim they're only trying to protect themselves. The vote on the legislation came after Rep. Ben Miranda, D-Phoenix, pointed out it would bar prosecution of those who want to bring a weapon into the House or Senate. Despite that, lawmakers gave it preliminary approval on a 30-16 margin."

Pretty Vacant Indeed "The bass player and father of two, who co-wrote The Sex Pistols' biggest hits, Anarchy In The UK, God Save The Queen and Pretty Vacant, hates it when his children, now 11 and seven, hear obscenities on the radio or TV. "It's pathetic when people just swear for the sake of it," he said in a carefully pre-recorded interview to be broadcast this Sunday."



Well, I Guess It COULD Get Worse Buck up millions of American without health care! If you get sick, at least there will still be hospitals that will still exist to overcharge. No such luck for the residents of the most batshit country on the face of the earth, Turkmenistan. Their glorious leader has just shut down all of the hospitals save for one. Said President Niyazov, "Why do we need such hospitals?" He has also in the past ordered the construction of ice palaces in the middle of the desert, a giant revolving gold statue of himself and a national holiday to celebrate the muskmelon.

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: A Phony Reporter/Male Prostitute of Truth in a White House Press Corps of Lies.

If This Means No More Late Night Cinemax Porn, Then I Will Be Truly Radicalized Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) now says he wants laws applying decency standards for broadcast TV and radio to cable TV and satellite radio. "Cable is a much greater violator in the indecency area," Ted says. Now, I know what you're thinking: Congress doesn't have the power to regulate cable or satellite media, right? Apparently, that's in doubt. The "get government off our backs" Republicans are mulling a court challenge that would enable them to extend the same standards to cable and satellite that broadcasters have to abide by. But don't worry, because Ted assures us that "No one wants censorship." Well, I guess that takes care of my concerns.

You've Been Struck By a Smooth Criminal Here at the MLWL, we've held off from posting about the trial of Michael Jackson, but the "strong hints" coming from his lawyer that he's going to take the stand and testify on his own behalf have forced our hand. As annoying as celebrity show trials are, come on: that would be the most entertaining court testimony in years!

Journalism Ethics, Boston Globe-Style By the shores of Gitchee Gumee, by the shining big sea waters, strode the mighty Hiawatha and...his ethically-challenged blogging habits? That's Hiawatha Bray, thanks very much, technology reporter for the Boston Globe who apparently spent much of his free time in 2004 posting comments on web logs proclaiming his support for George Bush and trashing the "moronic" John Kerry. Ah, but who cares, right? I mean, he covered technology - indeed, he covered the ways in which technology affected the campaign, writing at least three major articles about Kerry and Bush while simultaneously proclaiming his love for Bush and hatred for Kerry. Newspaper reporters have been fired for less since the advent of blogging; such concerns are why people on this very blog use pseudonyms. Let's see if the Globe has the balls to fire Bray.

The Daily Mayhem: Iraq Edition Barwiz Mahmoud Marwani, one of 20 judges on the tribunal trying Saddam Hussein's case in Iraq, was assassinated outside his home in Baghdad on Tuesday. The judge and his son, a lawyer, were shot dead by gunmen as they left their home. Also on Tuesday, two separate car bomb attacks in the Iraqi capital killed 13 people. On Monday, a car bomb killed 125, the worst such attack since the fall of the regime two years ago.

Choking on the Rottenness of It All A federal panel of three judges has overturned a multi-million dollar verdict won by victims of torture in El Salvador. A previous federal jury had awarded more than $54 million to the three victims - a church worker, a doctor, and a professor - after they proved their case against former generals in the Salvadoran government who now live in the United States. The appellate court that overturned the ruling did not contest the claims of the victims - but said there were no "undue circumstances" preventing the victims from filing suit before the statute of limitations passed. Nice.

-Consider Arms

Extraordinary Rendition

Like The Cub Scouts, Only More Fascist I wonder what color their shirts will be... Spooked by the recent thumbs-up the Ukraine gave to a non-KGB controlled government, Vladamir Putin has set up a youth group called Nashi or "One of Us" to "get 300,000 people on to the streets to defend Russia" from the threats of "external governance", "orange revolution" and "American intrusion" before the next Russian elections in 2008.

She Can't Be Human In a recent defense of Jeff Gannon (yes, it IS possible considering she's the same woman who defended Joe McCarthy) bottle-blonde/demonic bhenchod Ann Coulter referred to journalist Helen Thomas as "that old Arab." Her syndicaters cleaned up the Coultergeist by changing "that old Arab" to "that dyspeptic, old Helen Thomas." I'm sure they were just grateful that she didn't make another reference to "oily Jews."

RE: BTK, WTF KS?! "WICHITA, Kan., Feb. 28 - As members of his congregation took their seats in the sanctuary on Sunday, Pastor Michael Clark stood in the back and leaned against a wall. He put his clasped hands to his face, closed his eyes and took a quiet moment. Within minutes, he was before the congregation of Christ Lutheran Church, beginning to guide them through what he says will be a long journey of healing. The 8:15 a.m. service was the first time he had spoken to his congregation since the church's board president, Dennis Rader, was arrested Friday by Wichita authorities who allege he is the BTK killer, the worst serial murderer in Kansas history."

I Think Of All The Education That I Missed You can see it now, 9 months from now the litany of year-end wrap-up specials will highlight "Female Teachers Sleeping With Underage Students" as one of the hottest trends of 2005. Nope, this California teacher didn't bear the child of her underage lover, but she did have sex with him in her car a few feet away from her own two year-old child. Nice touch. I mean, bad touch. Bad touch.

Look Back Without Regret, Look Forward To Profit The Governator has recently come out to express lack of regret in using steroids during his career as a bodybuilder. "Because it is the wrong message, like you say, to the children," he said. "But people should take food supplements. People should be able to take the vitamins and all of the nutritious stuff that is available. But stay away from drugs." It helps that Arnold has a small fortune tied up in quasi-legal PEDS (performance-enhancing dietary supplements) through a bodbuilding tournament and two magazines that are propped up by PEDS advertising revenue. That might explain why he recently vetoed a bill that would have banned PEDS for high-school athletes; stopping the use of certain anabolic substances would hurt Arnold pocketbook. But big-ups California, how many other states can say that they're being run by a murderous robot fro mthe future?

Pastor Describes School Lunch Program As Tool of the Antichrist A few sarcastic sentences won't really add anything to this...

-The Sikh Geek

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Snow Delay.

The Bush Administration: A Lottery That Rewards Stupidity Let's say that you help convince your boss to embark on a bold new project that is sharply criticized both within the company and within the business community as a whole. But you insist that you have sound reasons for doing so, and that ultimate success will vindicate you. Maybe you even cut some corners and play around with the details to make the project seem better to your boss. Then, when the project is completed, it turns out the only vindication is of the critics, since the project is a disaster from start to finish. How do you think this display of dishonesty and incompetence will be rewarded? Well, if you're Paul Wolfowitz, and the project is the invasion of Iraq, you get rewarded by becoming the top choice to succeed James Wolfensohn as head of the World Bank! So there is a happy ending to this, after all.

And a Child Shall Lead Them...Into Eating Cat Food At last, the kid from The Omen movies has a real-life counterpart: Nine-year-old Texan (of course) Noah McCullough, who is being paid by the anti-Social Security gang Progress for America to shill around the country for the president's plan to scrap guaranteed retirement incomes. The idea that the American people will take advice on a topic as complicated as Social Security from a fucking nine-year-old is...actually, brilliant. This is the smartest thing the bastards have done so far.

Is It Time to Invade Iraq Again? Now that everyone has forgotten about the supposed original reason for invading Iraq (WMD, anyone?) and has instead agreed to pretend that the reason we invaded was to end Saddam's human rights atrocities, the question must be asked: Is it time to invade Iraq again? Because, according to the State Department, the U.S.-installed interim Iraqi government is guilty of "serious human rights abuses," including "torture, illegal detention by police, and forced confessions" as well as summary executions and the use of forced child labor. It is time that America sent a message to America-occupied Iraq: America will no longer tolerate these atrocities, and is willing to invade if it must.

Bloggers in "Not Entirely Worthless" Shocker Here's an interesting commentary on how bloggers have driven the "Jeff Gannon" story (easily the best news story of the year so far). It's nice to see bloggers not being worthless for a change. Yeah, yeah, I realize this is a blog, but the operative words here are still Bart Simpson's, when he replied to Milhouse's suggestion to put shocking information on the Internet: "No, we actually have to reach people whose opinions matter!" But here's a question, even for a blog-basher like yours truly: How come much of the mainstream media has ignored Guckertgate? Is the news judgement of the Daily Kos really that much better than everybody's at CBS and ABC, which still have not aired reports on the scandal?

Words of Wisdom From the Aptly-Named Dick Armey Some people object to irresponsible cads like myself characterizing the president's position (and the position of young Noah McCullough) on Social Security as being in opposition to it; the president doesn't want to scrap Social Security, I am told, he wants to fix it so it's there forever, like fossil fuels and the ozone layer. Fortunately, there are still Republicans dumb enough, or heedless enough of public opinion, to ignore the script: take former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, who told a gathering in Texas over the weekend that the real goal is to "phase out" Social Security in favor of private accounts. Thanks, Dick.

-Consider Arms