TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Our Friends Say It's Darkest Before the Sun Rises...We're Pretty Sure They're All Wrong.

The Worst Isn't Over Just as I frickin' predicted in my Nightmare Scenario, Bush has already announced his ambitious plans: privatize Social Security, "tort reform" that essentially fucks over everyone except insurance companies, and a national sales tax. Bush to America: You People Are Fucked.

George W. Bush, Jacobin Here's the invaluable Paul Krugman on what the election means: A "radical" who "deeply dislikes America" has been given a second term in office by the very people he will work hardest to screw over. Krugman's taking a hiatus from his column until January. We're going to miss him, but at least he'll be back in time for the Inauguration (I hope Dennis Miller will be there with some of his trademark "humor"!).

Insert Your Own "Feel A Draft?" Pun Here This confusing looking jumble of words and numbers is a legal notice published today in the Federal Register. This notice shows that Selective Service has filed a request to check the computer records of the Department of Education to make sure that everyone receiving financial aid from the federal government is registered with the draft board, as required by federal law. Is this significant? No, I'm sure it's just one of those unprecedented moves that's really benign and harmless. Nothing to see here: Move along.

You Can Find Him In Da Club Ah, the denoument of Bulge-gate: Despite the constant White House denials that Bush's bulging coat during the debate was the normal folds of the fabric, the Secret Service now claims it was, in fact, a bulletproof vest, just like the kind 50 Cent wears. I realize this is a trivial point, but doesn't it drive you nuts that the White House lies about EVERYTHING and gets away with it?

We'll Miss You, Crisco John The word has gone forth: the first Cabinet official to leave the Bush Administration in '05 will likely be serial cat-fearer John Ashcroft, the all-singing, no-dancing AG whose Chong-jailing antics amused us all. Like I said: the first term belongs to the moderates, the second to the ideologues. Ashcroft's replacement is said to be former Indiana senator John Danforth, an ordained Protestant minister. Also, this article contains what is perhaps the meanest sentence ever written about Ashcroft: "Ashcroft, 62, is described as exhausted from leading the Justice Department in fighting the domestic war on terrorism." Get it? Because he fought that war so poorly!

-Consider Arms