Tuesday, November 16, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Learning to Adjust to PVA (Post-Veneman America).

Affirmative Action, Republican-Style So Colin "My Lai/Iran Contra/Iraq Fuckup" Powell is out, and Condoleeza "Iraq Fuckup" Rice is in. "Dr." Rice, lest we forget, is a foreign policy specialist in the crucial area of U.S.-Soviet relations: She got her doctorate for a book she wrote about relations between the Soviet Red Army and the government of Czechoslovakia, the only book she has ever written (keen-eyed observers will note that neither the Soviet Red Army nor the state of Czechoslovakia, as of press time, exist any longer). Additionally, she has proven herself singularly inept and inadequate for the task of being National Security Adivsor, as she has been little more than a cheerleader for the administration's failed policies. So...with the Republicans desperate to woo women and black voters to their party, we'll have to dig deeper for the reasons behind this appointment. Gosh, what could it be? Maybe Chief Justice Clarence Thomas can tell us.

Whoah, Mama! Where'd That Come From? Last month, wholesale prices soared by 1.7 percent, the largest increase since 1990, when we were mired in the depths of, ahem, a recession. Don't worry, though; Alan Greenspan says a little inflation will be good for the economy. I'll keep telling myself that when I'm paying my heating bill this winter.

Surely Not Better Than Erasmus? Ah, how much more enlightened and civilized those Europeans are than us crude Americans: A survey this week conducted by the Dutch equivalent of the BBC finds that the people of Holland have chosen immigrant-hating politician Pim Fortuyn, who was assassinated by an animal-rights activist two years ago, as the greatest Dutchman of all time, beating out such notables as Anne Frank and Vincent Van Gogh. You know: Because they hate immigrants.

The Few, The Proud, The War Criminals The military is investigating an incident in a Fallujah mosque where a Marine allegedly shot a wounded Iraqi prisoner in the head. The investigation comes because an NBC reporter actually did the right thing and reported the crime to the authorities. Watch as the patriotic American press demonizes this guy now.

Good Question Four years ago, I never thought I would be praising the wisdom of Conservative politician Jacques Chirac (I never thought I'd see a militarist Republican administration purge the CIA, either, but here we are), but last night he had a really good question: What has Britain gotten in return for its dogged, damaging loyalty to King George's wacko war? What dividend - either in terms of jump-starting the peace process in the Middle East, enhancing its role in the world, or even economic benefits - has Tony Blair earned for Britain?

-Consider Arms