Monday, November 15, 2004

TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Go On Vacation For a Week, and Everything Goes Bonkers.

The Monday Morning Massacre Around 9 a.m. today, a friend of mine who works in Congress sent me an e-mail saying that the big rumor was that Colin Powell would resign; earlier in the morning, I got an e-mail from the Chronicle of Higher Education saying that Rod Paige (remember: the guy who called the NEA a "terrorist organization") was going to leave the Cabinet this week. Lo and behold, not only Powell and Paige, but Agriculture Sec'y Anne Veneman and Energy Sec'y Spencer Abraham also resigned today, bringing the total number of cabinet resignations to six. The current speculation on Powell's replacement is either John Danforth, former senator and ordained minister, and Condi Rice, whom we all know from Act One. My speculation: they're going to go with someone who will roll over and get fucked even more enthusiastically than Powell.

Morning of the Long Knives Hey, but it wasn't just the cabinet that saw resignations today: the CIA's two top officers in charge of clandestine operations resigned this morning following clashes with Porter Goss, the inept buffoon chosen by Bush to head the troubled agency. According to the Washington Post, Bush has ordered a "purge" of "disloyal" officers at the agency that militarist Sen. John McCain calls "a rogue agency." This makes three top CIA officers in a week to resign under pressure from Goss. Boy, did you ever think you'd see the day when the Repiglicans were calling the CIA "a rogue agency" and purging its ranks?

Our Gay-Loving Republicans Welcome More Gays Aboard Note to my countrymen in the Red States, who cited "moral values" as their most pressing concern on Nov. 2 and voted overwhelmingly to ban civil unions in 11 states: guess who's running your party, you stupid jackasses? Ken Mehlman, outed by gay web sites but still officially in the closet, is all but certain to become the National Chairman of the Republican Party; he will join openly gay Chief Financial Officer Jay Banning and openly gay National Field Director Daniel Gurley at the top of the party's national organization. Interesting question: If conservatives are so inflamed by stomping out gays, why are they voting for a party that's run by gays? Also, what are two (three?) gay dudes doing running a party that advocates making discrimination against them part of the Constitution? That's like black dudes running the Klan.

Hail Caesar!'s so messy, don't you think? All those safeguards. Especially when you consider the avalanche of new Bush appointees that are going to be coming down the line (six new cabinet members at least; how many federal judges?), and the fact that those damn Democrats in the Senate can block the appointment of those selfsame appointees by filibuster. Well, thank God Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is on the job: Frist and former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott have a plan to essentially eliminate filibusters if a simple majority of the Senate votes to do so. Keep in mind that these are the same two dudes who lavishly praised Strom Thurmond's famous weekend-long filibusters at his 100th birthday - those filibusters, incidentally, were against the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Yes, that means it's time to Vomit in Terror once again.

Your Tax Dollars at Work

Prior to the invasion of Fallujah, U.S. Marines relaxed by dressing up as gladiators and staging a chariot race straight out of Ben-Hur, complete with confiscated ("stolen") Iraqi horses. I can't believe this country voted to ban gay marriage in 11 states!

-Consider Arms