TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others.
If Knives Are Outlawed, Only 1950s Teen Delinquents Will Have Knives British lawmakers are considering heeding a call from a nationwide physicians' lobby to ban kitchen knives, which doctors say are used in half the stabbings in the country. To think, this wussiest of countries once conquered half the known world.
Movie Execs Fear Shrinking Attendance Could Be Permanent God, please let it be so.
Pentagon Confirms Koran 'Mishandling' Okay, so is Newsweek going to retract their retraction? Also, I'm still waiting for the FBI or the Pentagon to deny a single torture allegation. Anyone? Gentlemen?
Ohio GOP Fundraiser 'Lost' $12 Million in Public Investment Funds Invested in rare coins, no less. The people of Ohio are frankly lucky that the state pension plan wasn't sunk into magic beans.
Schwarzenegger Blasted For 'Product Placement' in Political Ads Some of the California governor's education ads have prominently featured Pepsi products; Pepsi is a major contributor to Schwarzenegger, and also one of the companies that would be affected if the governor ever made good on his threat to get junk food out of schools. Surprised, California? Well, you shouldn't be, because YOU ELECTED A MAN WHOSE PREVIOUS JOB WAS PRETENDING TO BE A MURDEROUS ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE.
France Set to Vote 'Non' This Weekend If French voters reject the new EU constitution, it could spell the end of Jacques Chirac's unpopular government and weaken the country's position in Europe.
Satirical Bush Posters Torn Down in California High School Posters promoting a school play that featured a caricature of the president with a Groucho Marx-style mustache and cigar were taken down after a single student complained. Officially, the school says the posters were removed because they "promoted smoking."
Americans Are Either Cynical or Retarded: Poll A USA Today/Gallup/CNN poll this week showed that George Bush's approval ratings, at around 46 percent, are the lowest since his "election" in 2000. Moreover, huge majorities disapprove of his positions on Iraq, the economy, Social Security, and foreign affairs. And yet fully 52 percent of the public thinks Bush "has the personality and leadership qualities a president should have." Either Americans are retards, or they are cynical to a extent no one has previously imagined.
-Consider Arms, Who Is Soon to Be Decamping from the Blue States to the Red States for a Much-Needed Vacation
Thursday, May 26, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Please Stop Flushing Books Down The Toilet.
Washington Post: Koran-Flushing May Have Happened After All The best part about this whole story is that no one denies that FBI agents tortured prisoners; the big question is whether they got a book wet.
Baghdad to be 'Locked Down' as Conflicting Reports Emerge on Fate of Zarqawi 40,000 troops will soon participate in a massive sweep through Iraq's capital, looking for weapons and insurgents. Light at the end of the tunnel? Turning the corner? A dwindling band of Baathist dead-enders? Etc.?
France Looks Set to Reject New EU Constitution Not enough gypsy-bashing.
Saudi Poet Jailed After Calling For Elections But in Iraq, he'd be a heroic advocate of freedom! Too bad he's a native of our ally, Saudi Arabia, where he's just a criminal.
Dems Ponder 'Compromise' On Social Security Dismantling We'll snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if it's the last thing we do.
From Red to Even Redder The Wall Street Journal has an interesting graphic showing what current census projections could mean for electoral politics. Based on census data, states which voted Bush in 2004 (Red states) are going to keep growing, while population in Blue states will decline. In 2004, the Red states accounted for 286 electoral votes. By 2032, those same states will have a total of 303 electoral votes. In the meantime, the Blue states were 252 electoral votes in 2004, and by 2032 that number will shrink to 235. This is obviously not to say that every state will continue to vote the way it did in 2004; but by 2032, the Republicans could lose Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa and still win the White House. Start breeding, Democrats.
Avert Your Eyes: Non-Catholics in Child-Abuse Scandal According to New Orleans police and the FBI, the Hosanna Church was a front for a Satanic cult that included a pastor and a police officer, which abused dozens of children. The FBI has recovered photos and videotapes of Satanic rituals being performed that also involve child abuse. Phew - I'm glad all that "Satanic cult" stuff in the 1980s was only make-believe!
-Consider Arms
Washington Post: Koran-Flushing May Have Happened After All The best part about this whole story is that no one denies that FBI agents tortured prisoners; the big question is whether they got a book wet.
Baghdad to be 'Locked Down' as Conflicting Reports Emerge on Fate of Zarqawi 40,000 troops will soon participate in a massive sweep through Iraq's capital, looking for weapons and insurgents. Light at the end of the tunnel? Turning the corner? A dwindling band of Baathist dead-enders? Etc.?
France Looks Set to Reject New EU Constitution Not enough gypsy-bashing.
Saudi Poet Jailed After Calling For Elections But in Iraq, he'd be a heroic advocate of freedom! Too bad he's a native of our ally, Saudi Arabia, where he's just a criminal.
Dems Ponder 'Compromise' On Social Security Dismantling We'll snatch defeat from the jaws of victory if it's the last thing we do.
From Red to Even Redder The Wall Street Journal has an interesting graphic showing what current census projections could mean for electoral politics. Based on census data, states which voted Bush in 2004 (Red states) are going to keep growing, while population in Blue states will decline. In 2004, the Red states accounted for 286 electoral votes. By 2032, those same states will have a total of 303 electoral votes. In the meantime, the Blue states were 252 electoral votes in 2004, and by 2032 that number will shrink to 235. This is obviously not to say that every state will continue to vote the way it did in 2004; but by 2032, the Republicans could lose Ohio, New Mexico, and Iowa and still win the White House. Start breeding, Democrats.
Avert Your Eyes: Non-Catholics in Child-Abuse Scandal According to New Orleans police and the FBI, the Hosanna Church was a front for a Satanic cult that included a pastor and a police officer, which abused dozens of children. The FBI has recovered photos and videotapes of Satanic rituals being performed that also involve child abuse. Phew - I'm glad all that "Satanic cult" stuff in the 1980s was only make-believe!
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Saint Barbara, Don't Let Me Explode.
Filibuster 'Saved' in Bipartisan Deal But in order for the Republicans not to eliminate the filibuster, Democrats have to promise not to use it. Let's all just admit we were wrong and go back to a hereditary monarchy.
Anti-Syrian Lebanese Opposition Splits Along Religious Lines That didn't take long.
Socialist/Green Coalition Collapsing As Germany Faces Early Elections On the bright side, those elections might result in us getting to use the phrase "Chancellor Merkel."
Good Taste Continues to Threaten American Industry Despite the new Star Wars movie's record-setting weekend, overall box office receipts were still down from this time last year, for the 13th straight week.
13 American Soldiers, 49 Iraqis Killed in Bomb Blasts Light at the end of the tunnel, turning the corner, insurgents on the ropes, last gasp of Baathist dead-enders, progress, democracy, etc. etc.
Penn. Man Accused of Trying to Sell Bomb to Al Qaeda Um, don't they have their own?
Texas School Apologizes to Honors Student Identified Only as "Black Girl" in Yearbook Identification was not "meant to be malicious," says White Lawyer.
Medicaid Paying for Sex Offenders' Viagra: Audit I sense an endorsement deal...
Stop Drinking Coke You should stop anyway, but definitely don't drink any Coke products while the company's workers in California and Connecticut are on strike. Yes, Sikh Geek, this includes Sprite: Remix.
- Consider Arms
Filibuster 'Saved' in Bipartisan Deal But in order for the Republicans not to eliminate the filibuster, Democrats have to promise not to use it. Let's all just admit we were wrong and go back to a hereditary monarchy.
Anti-Syrian Lebanese Opposition Splits Along Religious Lines That didn't take long.
Socialist/Green Coalition Collapsing As Germany Faces Early Elections On the bright side, those elections might result in us getting to use the phrase "Chancellor Merkel."
Good Taste Continues to Threaten American Industry Despite the new Star Wars movie's record-setting weekend, overall box office receipts were still down from this time last year, for the 13th straight week.
13 American Soldiers, 49 Iraqis Killed in Bomb Blasts Light at the end of the tunnel, turning the corner, insurgents on the ropes, last gasp of Baathist dead-enders, progress, democracy, etc. etc.
Penn. Man Accused of Trying to Sell Bomb to Al Qaeda Um, don't they have their own?
Texas School Apologizes to Honors Student Identified Only as "Black Girl" in Yearbook Identification was not "meant to be malicious," says White Lawyer.
Medicaid Paying for Sex Offenders' Viagra: Audit I sense an endorsement deal...
Stop Drinking Coke You should stop anyway, but definitely don't drink any Coke products while the company's workers in California and Connecticut are on strike. Yes, Sikh Geek, this includes Sprite: Remix.
- Consider Arms
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Warning - May Blow Your Mind, Dude.
William Saletan on the Kansas Evolution Controversy "It's too bad liberals and scientists don't welcome this test. It's too bad they go around sneering, as censors of science often have, that the new theory is too radical, offensive, or embarrassing to be taken seriously. It's too bad they think good science consists of believing the right things."
Suicide Bombs Kill More Than 60 in Iraq; Bloodiest Day Since February Corner: turned. Light: at end of tunnel. Momentum: forward.
Judge Allows United to Default on Workers' Pension Guess who's going to have to pay for that pension fund? The taxpayers - and the workers are only going to get half of what they're owed. Another success for the magic of the free market!
NY Times Tries to Shed 'Liberal' Image Okay: done. What's step two?
4 Dead in Anti-American Protest in Afghanistan The protest was sparked by a Newsweek story about how American interrogators in Afghanistan have been desecrating the Koran. Hearts and minds, baby, hearts and minds.
Right-wing Airplane-bombing Terrorist Was Also CIA Agent Shocker.
'No Motive' in California Mass Murder/Suicide Whatever happened to "crazy"?
Bush-loving Baptist Pastor Resigns Amid Purge Scandal The Rev. Chan Chandler of the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has resigned in the wake of allegations that he booted nine members of his church for voting for John Kerry. Apparently, most of the young members of the church, who had been brought in by Chandler, left with him.
$82 Billion Spending War-related Spending Bill Heads to Bush That's $300 billion on war and terrorism since 2001. Meanwhile, how's your health plan?
-Consider Arms
William Saletan on the Kansas Evolution Controversy "It's too bad liberals and scientists don't welcome this test. It's too bad they go around sneering, as censors of science often have, that the new theory is too radical, offensive, or embarrassing to be taken seriously. It's too bad they think good science consists of believing the right things."
Suicide Bombs Kill More Than 60 in Iraq; Bloodiest Day Since February Corner: turned. Light: at end of tunnel. Momentum: forward.
Judge Allows United to Default on Workers' Pension Guess who's going to have to pay for that pension fund? The taxpayers - and the workers are only going to get half of what they're owed. Another success for the magic of the free market!
NY Times Tries to Shed 'Liberal' Image Okay: done. What's step two?
4 Dead in Anti-American Protest in Afghanistan The protest was sparked by a Newsweek story about how American interrogators in Afghanistan have been desecrating the Koran. Hearts and minds, baby, hearts and minds.
Right-wing Airplane-bombing Terrorist Was Also CIA Agent Shocker.
'No Motive' in California Mass Murder/Suicide Whatever happened to "crazy"?
Bush-loving Baptist Pastor Resigns Amid Purge Scandal The Rev. Chan Chandler of the East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Carolina has resigned in the wake of allegations that he booted nine members of his church for voting for John Kerry. Apparently, most of the young members of the church, who had been brought in by Chandler, left with him.
$82 Billion Spending War-related Spending Bill Heads to Bush That's $300 billion on war and terrorism since 2001. Meanwhile, how's your health plan?
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: Nucular War.
World Exclusive: Elaine from Seinfeld Has Opinion Hey, everybody, it's Arianna Huffington's new "group blog" - featuring brilliant sentiments from noted thinkers like Danielle Crittenden, Larry Gelbart, Bill Maher, and Rob Reiner (an unintentionally hilarious piece called "Where Have You Gone Woodward & Bernstein?" that plumbs new depts in celebrity pseudo-solemnity). Wow, what a great addition to the marketplace of ideas. Was there really anyone in the world who thought, "What we need is another self-absorbed, semi-amusing 'riff' from Larry David"?
Hollywood Panics as Good Taste Runs Amok With two dud "blockbusters" in a row ("The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sci-Fi Shit I Didn't Care About Even When I Was 12" and "Swords!" or whatever with the elf from the hobbit movies), Hollywood is looking at its biggest slump in at least five years. Keep it up America; stop going to movies!
A Tale of Two Headlines: Bush Says Georgia Is an Example of Freedom to the World from today's Voice of America, and Georgia: Torture Still Goes Unpunished from an April 13 report by Human Rights Watch. Hey, they could still be an example of freedom to the world; a bad example, but an example nonetheless.
North Korea: U.S. Should Stop "Fussing" Over Possible Nuclear Weapons Test Reports that Kim Jong Il also urged America to stop "a-cussin' and a-feudin'," and to instead begin "a-huggin' and a-lovin'," could not be confirmed at press time.
U.S. 'Playing With Fire' On Drive to Revalue Yuan Maybe we shouldn't piss off the people who own $196.5 billion worth of Treasury securities, keeping interest rates artificially low. Because low interest rates and exuberant consumer spending aren't keeping the economy afloat or anything.
- Consider Arms
World Exclusive: Elaine from Seinfeld Has Opinion Hey, everybody, it's Arianna Huffington's new "group blog" - featuring brilliant sentiments from noted thinkers like Danielle Crittenden, Larry Gelbart, Bill Maher, and Rob Reiner (an unintentionally hilarious piece called "Where Have You Gone Woodward & Bernstein?" that plumbs new depts in celebrity pseudo-solemnity). Wow, what a great addition to the marketplace of ideas. Was there really anyone in the world who thought, "What we need is another self-absorbed, semi-amusing 'riff' from Larry David"?
Hollywood Panics as Good Taste Runs Amok With two dud "blockbusters" in a row ("The Hitchhiker's Guide to Sci-Fi Shit I Didn't Care About Even When I Was 12" and "Swords!" or whatever with the elf from the hobbit movies), Hollywood is looking at its biggest slump in at least five years. Keep it up America; stop going to movies!
A Tale of Two Headlines: Bush Says Georgia Is an Example of Freedom to the World from today's Voice of America, and Georgia: Torture Still Goes Unpunished from an April 13 report by Human Rights Watch. Hey, they could still be an example of freedom to the world; a bad example, but an example nonetheless.
North Korea: U.S. Should Stop "Fussing" Over Possible Nuclear Weapons Test Reports that Kim Jong Il also urged America to stop "a-cussin' and a-feudin'," and to instead begin "a-huggin' and a-lovin'," could not be confirmed at press time.
U.S. 'Playing With Fire' On Drive to Revalue Yuan Maybe we shouldn't piss off the people who own $196.5 billion worth of Treasury securities, keeping interest rates artificially low. Because low interest rates and exuberant consumer spending aren't keeping the economy afloat or anything.
- Consider Arms
Friday, May 06, 2005
TODAY'S TOP NEWS: In Which The British People Reward Failure and Deception.
Jolly Good Show, Captain Fuck Up! Tony Blair has pulled off the unprecedented feat of steering the Labour Party to three successive electoral victories (in British history, only the dread Margaret Thatcher's Conservatives managed the same). This means, old boy, that the British people have given the thumbs-up to lying in order to embark on an illegal imperialist war. Old habits die hard, old chap! But this was no coronation: Labour's majority is down from 161 seats to about 60; they won 36 percent of the vote to the Tories' 33 percent, and the Liberal Democrats' 22 percent. In other words, 64 percent of the British people voted against Labour. But in the kooky, spooky, mysterious and ooky British electoral system, that still translates into an absolute majority in Parliament. And you thought the American electoral system was fucked up!
GOP Congressman Admits: We Went to War for Oil Then why the fuck am I paying $2.29 a gallon for regular gas? This administration is so incompetent that it can't even exploit other countries correctly!
Secret Blair Memo Admits: We Went to War Because We Fucking Felt Like It Oh, the UK is all in a tizzy because a secret memo from Blair's cabinet was leaked showing the war in Iraq was decided on in July 2002. Big deal. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy from Centcom tell an audience at UConn, proudly, that they started planning the invasion in January 2002. You limeys were late to the ballgame!
Insurgent Attacks Kill 33 in Iraq Corner turned, light at end of tunnel, tremendous improvement, etc. etc.
Al Qaeda's Number Three Man Caught! Bin Laden Sure to Follow! Unless you talk to the CIA, the Pakistani secret service, and indepedent scholars, who say this guy wasn't #3, that Bin Laden is no closer to being captured, and that there is no - repeat, THERE IS NOT - a tooth fairy. Spoilsports.
Kerry: Supporting Gay Marriage a Mistake for Dems And if any Democrat knows about making political mistakes...
Venezuela Demands Extradition of Terrorist Suspect from U.S. I believe you mean "freedom fighter," not "terrorist," you Communist wetback.
-Consider Arms
Jolly Good Show, Captain Fuck Up! Tony Blair has pulled off the unprecedented feat of steering the Labour Party to three successive electoral victories (in British history, only the dread Margaret Thatcher's Conservatives managed the same). This means, old boy, that the British people have given the thumbs-up to lying in order to embark on an illegal imperialist war. Old habits die hard, old chap! But this was no coronation: Labour's majority is down from 161 seats to about 60; they won 36 percent of the vote to the Tories' 33 percent, and the Liberal Democrats' 22 percent. In other words, 64 percent of the British people voted against Labour. But in the kooky, spooky, mysterious and ooky British electoral system, that still translates into an absolute majority in Parliament. And you thought the American electoral system was fucked up!
GOP Congressman Admits: We Went to War for Oil Then why the fuck am I paying $2.29 a gallon for regular gas? This administration is so incompetent that it can't even exploit other countries correctly!
Secret Blair Memo Admits: We Went to War Because We Fucking Felt Like It Oh, the UK is all in a tizzy because a secret memo from Blair's cabinet was leaked showing the war in Iraq was decided on in July 2002. Big deal. Two weeks ago, I saw a guy from Centcom tell an audience at UConn, proudly, that they started planning the invasion in January 2002. You limeys were late to the ballgame!
Insurgent Attacks Kill 33 in Iraq Corner turned, light at end of tunnel, tremendous improvement, etc. etc.
Al Qaeda's Number Three Man Caught! Bin Laden Sure to Follow! Unless you talk to the CIA, the Pakistani secret service, and indepedent scholars, who say this guy wasn't #3, that Bin Laden is no closer to being captured, and that there is no - repeat, THERE IS NOT - a tooth fairy. Spoilsports.
Kerry: Supporting Gay Marriage a Mistake for Dems And if any Democrat knows about making political mistakes...
Venezuela Demands Extradition of Terrorist Suspect from U.S. I believe you mean "freedom fighter," not "terrorist," you Communist wetback.
-Consider Arms
Monday, May 02, 2005
Today's Top News: Even Laura Bush Mocks Her Husband's Pronunciation of "Nuclear."
Blair Wants Billions to Build New Nuke Weapons There's an arms race with Wales, you see.
Speaking of Nukes: US Military Wants to Give Regional Commanders Authority to Carry Out 'Preemptive' Nuclear Strikes Doesn't the Cold War, with its lower risk of nuclear weapons use, actually seem kind of quaint nowadays?
At Least 30 Killed in Bombing at Kurd Pol's Funeral About 130 people have been killed in insurgent attacks in the last four days.
Ohio GOP Treasurer Investigated for Investing $50 Million in Public Funds in Rare Coins; Now Hundreds of the Coins Are Missing Insert your own "penny ante" joke here.
US Grants $500 Million Annually to Torture-prone Uzbekistan But the key here is that they're torturing the right people.
-Consider Arms
Blair Wants Billions to Build New Nuke Weapons There's an arms race with Wales, you see.
Speaking of Nukes: US Military Wants to Give Regional Commanders Authority to Carry Out 'Preemptive' Nuclear Strikes Doesn't the Cold War, with its lower risk of nuclear weapons use, actually seem kind of quaint nowadays?
At Least 30 Killed in Bombing at Kurd Pol's Funeral About 130 people have been killed in insurgent attacks in the last four days.
Ohio GOP Treasurer Investigated for Investing $50 Million in Public Funds in Rare Coins; Now Hundreds of the Coins Are Missing Insert your own "penny ante" joke here.
US Grants $500 Million Annually to Torture-prone Uzbekistan But the key here is that they're torturing the right people.
-Consider Arms
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