TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Eighties Revivalism Has Gone Too Far: Joel Steinberg Has Been Paroled.
Reaping the Stupid Guy Whirlwind Note to Californians: When you vote for someone, you have to put up with them for the WHOLE TERM, not just the exciting afterglow period that follows the election of a ditzy celebrity to high office. This is a painful lesson being learned as the man who once starred in "Jingle All the Way" attempts to grapple with the challenges of leading the nation's largest state and the world's fifth-largest economy. Here's one way: Gov. Arnold "Tighten Your Belts" Schwarzenegger has increased the salaries of his staff by an average of 22 percent. "Everyone has to make sacrifices," Schwarzenegger said during budget negotations that led to slashing education funding and record, fiscally reckless borrowing. Everyone, that is, except this idiot's inner circle.
Ignominy, Thy Name is Makeover Show After his treacherous presidential campaign derailed when the Village Voice revealed it was being run and paid for by Republicans, the Rev. Al Sharpton is committing the closest thing possible to credibility hara-kiri: He's hosting a "career makeover" show on the Spike TV network. Shudder.
Destro Vows to Destroy New York Well, it could happen. The only good thing that came out of last night's painful Yankees drubbing of the Red Sox was the fact, buried at the bottom of the story, that VP Destro Cheney, who was there as a guest of George Steinbrenner, was booed by the fans at Yankee Stadium when they showed his picture on the videoboard during the 7th inning stretch.
Are You Better Off Now Than Before We Blew Your House Up? One of the conservative spin points on the war has been that, despite the disruptions and violence in the new Iraq (now 100% sovereign! Really!), the country at least is better off now than it was when Saddam ran things. Except that it isn't, according to a report by the non-partisan Congresssional General Accounting Office. In fact, in several key areas like utilities, security, and the judicial system, Iraq now is much worse off than it was before the war. Additionally, of the $58 billion in international loans pledged for the reconstruction of the country, only $10 billion has been spent, and the occupation government can't even account for some of the rest. So, um...why did we invade, again?
Damn the Liberal Media to Hell! If there's one thing I hate about the liberal media, it's how unbalanced they are: Always attacking our heroic president while simultaneously heaping fawning praise on the heads of America-haters like Michael Moore. Except when they don't. As this article shows, even Fox News was relatively restrained in its attacks on the most successful documentary filmmaker of all time while the "liberal media" like ABC and NBC were frothing at the mouth with inaccurate, sleazy attack pieces. Now a cynical man would point out that NBC is owned by General Electric, a major defense contractor and that ABC is owned by Disney, which originally refused to distribute Moore's film, but thank God I'm not a cynical man.
-Consider Arms
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Did He Actually Just Call Them "The Turkey-People"?
Call It Evolution At Work An American study on mice has linked high-protein diets with an inability of women to bear children, claiming that that ideal protein intake for women hoping to conceive in only 20% of their total diet. If the Wall Street Journal can write an article claiming that life-hating Democrats have effectively aborted away their voting blocs, I feel no problem being smug that the future drinkers of C2 soda will never exist.
Bush Re-Election Financed By Lucrative Online Investors From Nigeria Either drunk with hubris or mind-numbingly stupid, the White House told government agencies this month that if re-elected (or illegally put back in power through massive voter fraud. again.) huge budget cuts will be given to the same domestic services that Bush is claiming to support and bolster during the election campaign.
I'm Sure Jack Ryan Is Getting Ready Too...
-The Sikh Geek is still in possession of his "No Fat Chicks" mug, you bhand-chots
Call It Evolution At Work An American study on mice has linked high-protein diets with an inability of women to bear children, claiming that that ideal protein intake for women hoping to conceive in only 20% of their total diet. If the Wall Street Journal can write an article claiming that life-hating Democrats have effectively aborted away their voting blocs, I feel no problem being smug that the future drinkers of C2 soda will never exist.
Bush Re-Election Financed By Lucrative Online Investors From Nigeria Either drunk with hubris or mind-numbingly stupid, the White House told government agencies this month that if re-elected (or illegally put back in power through massive voter fraud. again.) huge budget cuts will be given to the same domestic services that Bush is claiming to support and bolster during the election campaign.
I'm Sure Jack Ryan Is Getting Ready Too...
-The Sikh Geek is still in possession of his "No Fat Chicks" mug, you bhand-chots
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: I Feel More Sovereign Than Ever Today.
The End of an Error 50 years after founding National Review to run traditional conservatives out of the public debate, William F. Buckley Jr. is relinquishing control of his magazine to a board of directors that he handpicked. National Review has been one of the most important organs of conservative thought over the last 5 decades, but consider the ironies: Posing as a traditional conservative publication, the magazine actually spent much of its first five years defending Joe McCarthy and heresy-hunting actual conservatives of the Robert Taft school. Although it has been an annoying, one-note cheerleader for the free market, the magazine has never made a profit: It's sustained by a network of wealthy conservative donors. Finally, take Buckley Jr. himself. Although his plummy New England accent and stuffy grammar have made him the living embodiment of old-line conservatism, he's actually the son of an arriviste Ohio oilman. Here's to 50 more years of phoniness!
Do You Have Something You'd Like to Share With the Rest of the Class, Miss Rice? This is almost too embarassing to even think about: George Bush was notified of the ceremony handing "sovereignty" over to the Iraqis in a hand-written note passed to him by Condoleeza Rice during a meeting of NATO leaders in riot-wracked Turkey. She handed the note to Rumsfeld, who then passed it on to the president. Unclear at this time is whether Rice also wrote "Do you like me? Check yes or no" or offered to sit next to the president during study hall. Bush did, however, scribble the phrase "let freedom reign!" on the note, apparently intending to write "let freedom ring."
Canada: Not as Smart as We Originally Believed Although I take pride in the fact that, like most Americans, I am totally ignorant of a federal election happening in the country that shares our northern border that happens to be our closest trading partner, I will reprint the entirety of this excellent article for the edification of all Americans who felt bad because people in Florida were too stupid to fill out their ballots correctly in 2000: "Canadians have gone to the polls in a federal election with a firm warning from election officials: Please do not eat your ballots.
'Eating a ballot, not returning it or otherwise destroying or defacing it constitutes a serious breach of the Canada Elections Act,'Elections Canada warns on its Internet site. The issue was of sufficient concern to warrant inclusion in the site's 'Frequency asked Questions' section, above answers to such inquiries as 'Why should I vote?' and 'Am I registered?' Three Alberta men were charged with eating their paper ballots during Canada's last federal election, in 2000. The members of the Edible Ballot Society were protesting against what they said was a lack of real choice among candidates."
The Party of Family Values Gets Ready to Pay for Sex This summer, when the Republicans are in New York City solemnly honoring the fallen of Sept. 11 and nominating George W. Bush for president, they'll also be giving a shot in the arm to the local economy. The local illegal sex economy, that is: Apparently hookers are being brought in from all over the world to meet the expected demand for paid sexual encounters coming from all those sweaty, patriotic delegates from the heartland. Sorry, ladies, but I think you're going to be disappointed. This is the party of Jack Ryan, after all. GOP delegates are likely to prefer sex the old-fashioned way: With their wives. In public. In an underground sex club. Surrounded by bondage gear.
God May Be a DJ, But He's No Damn Liberal The fifth century Syrian monk known as pseudo-Dionysus the Areopagite (to distinguish him from the Biblical figure whose conversion is recorded in Acts 17:34) argued that we can never attribute qualities to God if those qualities imply that the opposite cannot also be true. In other words, he argued that we cannot say that God is great if that means we have to say He isn't small; or that God is gentle if that excludes Him being wrathful. The reason, argued the philosopher, is that God's true nature is so far beyond human reason that any categories we apply to God will never amount to anything more than human-made attempts to explain our own perception of the deity. Well, it's too bad that Dionysus died in the sixth century, because if he were alive today he'd have egg all over his face! That's because Sean Hannity and Dennis Miller, those capering clowns of conservatism, have declared that, Dionysus and Nicholas of Cusa aside, God is most definitely a Republican, and not a damn Democrat! In fact, Miller even argues that Jesus "far prefers Bush to Kerry," a remarkable theological insight for a man who once said in an interview that he likes to have women put their fingers up his asshole.
-Consider Arms
The End of an Error 50 years after founding National Review to run traditional conservatives out of the public debate, William F. Buckley Jr. is relinquishing control of his magazine to a board of directors that he handpicked. National Review has been one of the most important organs of conservative thought over the last 5 decades, but consider the ironies: Posing as a traditional conservative publication, the magazine actually spent much of its first five years defending Joe McCarthy and heresy-hunting actual conservatives of the Robert Taft school. Although it has been an annoying, one-note cheerleader for the free market, the magazine has never made a profit: It's sustained by a network of wealthy conservative donors. Finally, take Buckley Jr. himself. Although his plummy New England accent and stuffy grammar have made him the living embodiment of old-line conservatism, he's actually the son of an arriviste Ohio oilman. Here's to 50 more years of phoniness!
Do You Have Something You'd Like to Share With the Rest of the Class, Miss Rice? This is almost too embarassing to even think about: George Bush was notified of the ceremony handing "sovereignty" over to the Iraqis in a hand-written note passed to him by Condoleeza Rice during a meeting of NATO leaders in riot-wracked Turkey. She handed the note to Rumsfeld, who then passed it on to the president. Unclear at this time is whether Rice also wrote "Do you like me? Check yes or no" or offered to sit next to the president during study hall. Bush did, however, scribble the phrase "let freedom reign!" on the note, apparently intending to write "let freedom ring."
Canada: Not as Smart as We Originally Believed Although I take pride in the fact that, like most Americans, I am totally ignorant of a federal election happening in the country that shares our northern border that happens to be our closest trading partner, I will reprint the entirety of this excellent article for the edification of all Americans who felt bad because people in Florida were too stupid to fill out their ballots correctly in 2000: "Canadians have gone to the polls in a federal election with a firm warning from election officials: Please do not eat your ballots.
'Eating a ballot, not returning it or otherwise destroying or defacing it constitutes a serious breach of the Canada Elections Act,'Elections Canada warns on its Internet site. The issue was of sufficient concern to warrant inclusion in the site's 'Frequency asked Questions' section, above answers to such inquiries as 'Why should I vote?' and 'Am I registered?' Three Alberta men were charged with eating their paper ballots during Canada's last federal election, in 2000. The members of the Edible Ballot Society were protesting against what they said was a lack of real choice among candidates."
The Party of Family Values Gets Ready to Pay for Sex This summer, when the Republicans are in New York City solemnly honoring the fallen of Sept. 11 and nominating George W. Bush for president, they'll also be giving a shot in the arm to the local economy. The local illegal sex economy, that is: Apparently hookers are being brought in from all over the world to meet the expected demand for paid sexual encounters coming from all those sweaty, patriotic delegates from the heartland. Sorry, ladies, but I think you're going to be disappointed. This is the party of Jack Ryan, after all. GOP delegates are likely to prefer sex the old-fashioned way: With their wives. In public. In an underground sex club. Surrounded by bondage gear.
God May Be a DJ, But He's No Damn Liberal The fifth century Syrian monk known as pseudo-Dionysus the Areopagite (to distinguish him from the Biblical figure whose conversion is recorded in Acts 17:34) argued that we can never attribute qualities to God if those qualities imply that the opposite cannot also be true. In other words, he argued that we cannot say that God is great if that means we have to say He isn't small; or that God is gentle if that excludes Him being wrathful. The reason, argued the philosopher, is that God's true nature is so far beyond human reason that any categories we apply to God will never amount to anything more than human-made attempts to explain our own perception of the deity. Well, it's too bad that Dionysus died in the sixth century, because if he were alive today he'd have egg all over his face! That's because Sean Hannity and Dennis Miller, those capering clowns of conservatism, have declared that, Dionysus and Nicholas of Cusa aside, God is most definitely a Republican, and not a damn Democrat! In fact, Miller even argues that Jesus "far prefers Bush to Kerry," a remarkable theological insight for a man who once said in an interview that he likes to have women put their fingers up his asshole.
-Consider Arms
Monday, June 28, 2004
TODAY'S TOP FIVE: Fully Sovereign Since 2003.
It's Like Christmas Came Two Days Early! You know how when there's a hot new CD coming out, and the record company releases it a couple of days before the street date to foil the bootleggers? Well, that's the kind of managerial skill we have at the White House these days. Take that insurgents: You were probably planning on blowing all kinds of shit up on Thursday, but we handed over "sovereignty" on Monday! Boo yeah! I bet this means the war is over.
Sovereign Like the Proud Native Americans Okay, so now that the war is over and peace and democracy are flowering throughout Iraq, and Paul Bremer has gone home (his greatest accomplishment, according to him, is cutting the tax rate and privatizing Iraqi industry), what's the first thing the new, sovereign Iraqi government is going to do? How about, "anything the U.S. tells them to fucking do"? Yes, that's because, despite getting their names on the letterhead, the Iraqis still "govern" a country occupied by 160,000 foreign troops, where the exact same administrators who worked for Paul Bremer will still work in the exact same office (one of Saddam's palaces), where the Green Zone controlled by US troops will still be there (only, now it's the "International Zone"! Like Epcot Center!), where John Negroponte instead of Paul Bremer will call the shots. Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?
A Little Yes and a Big No In what observers are calling a "mixed verdict," the Supreme Court has ruled that the US government has the right to indefinitely detain American citizens without charges or trial, but that detainees have the right to challenge this treatment in U.S. courts. In other words, we now have, enshrined in law, the basis for Franz Kafka's novel "The Trial." All together now: "Someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning..."
It's Not Easy Being Green Ooh! Denied! Darth Nader failed in his bid over the weekend to get the Green Party to endorse him for president; doing so would mean that Nader would already be on the ballot in many states, including "key battleground states" like Pennsylvania and Ohio. Instead, the Greens endorsed a guy who says he won't even compete with Kerry in the key battleground states. Hey Ralph: That's what's known as a "loyal opposition." Look into it, ya crumb.
It's Like "The Passion of the Christ" for Liberals Apparently all the right-wing efforts to stop people from seeing "Fahrenheit 911" worked.
-Consider Arms
It's Like Christmas Came Two Days Early! You know how when there's a hot new CD coming out, and the record company releases it a couple of days before the street date to foil the bootleggers? Well, that's the kind of managerial skill we have at the White House these days. Take that insurgents: You were probably planning on blowing all kinds of shit up on Thursday, but we handed over "sovereignty" on Monday! Boo yeah! I bet this means the war is over.
Sovereign Like the Proud Native Americans Okay, so now that the war is over and peace and democracy are flowering throughout Iraq, and Paul Bremer has gone home (his greatest accomplishment, according to him, is cutting the tax rate and privatizing Iraqi industry), what's the first thing the new, sovereign Iraqi government is going to do? How about, "anything the U.S. tells them to fucking do"? Yes, that's because, despite getting their names on the letterhead, the Iraqis still "govern" a country occupied by 160,000 foreign troops, where the exact same administrators who worked for Paul Bremer will still work in the exact same office (one of Saddam's palaces), where the Green Zone controlled by US troops will still be there (only, now it's the "International Zone"! Like Epcot Center!), where John Negroponte instead of Paul Bremer will call the shots. Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?
A Little Yes and a Big No In what observers are calling a "mixed verdict," the Supreme Court has ruled that the US government has the right to indefinitely detain American citizens without charges or trial, but that detainees have the right to challenge this treatment in U.S. courts. In other words, we now have, enshrined in law, the basis for Franz Kafka's novel "The Trial." All together now: "Someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning..."
It's Not Easy Being Green Ooh! Denied! Darth Nader failed in his bid over the weekend to get the Green Party to endorse him for president; doing so would mean that Nader would already be on the ballot in many states, including "key battleground states" like Pennsylvania and Ohio. Instead, the Greens endorsed a guy who says he won't even compete with Kerry in the key battleground states. Hey Ralph: That's what's known as a "loyal opposition." Look into it, ya crumb.
It's Like "The Passion of the Christ" for Liberals Apparently all the right-wing efforts to stop people from seeing "Fahrenheit 911" worked.
-Consider Arms
Friday, June 25, 2004
If The Sikh Geek Doesn't Show Up Soon I'm Totally Taking His "No Fat Chicks" Coffee Mug
As Long As He Doesn't Put Out Anymore Records I Don't Care What He Does
Police arrested rapper DMX at New York's Kennedy airport for allegedly impersonating an FBI agent and attempting to carjack a man. While this article doesn't mention it, I've read that the car was a NISSAN SENTRA!!! Straight thuggin'.
--MC No Shame, fuck off
As Long As He Doesn't Put Out Anymore Records I Don't Care What He Does
Police arrested rapper DMX at New York's Kennedy airport for allegedly impersonating an FBI agent and attempting to carjack a man. While this article doesn't mention it, I've read that the car was a NISSAN SENTRA!!! Straight thuggin'.
--MC No Shame, fuck off
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